Chapter 4

Throw Me Off The Astronomy Tower, Please

Freshly fallen snow crunched under their feet as Lily and James walked slowly up the path from Hogsmeade to Hogwarts. The castle loomed into view, frosted white from the snow, with little spouts of gray escaping wherever a chimney perched. Lily couldn't help but remember what James had told her, about Hogwarts being a sort of home for her now that her childhood one was gone. He had been right. She loved the castle the same way she loved her Muggle home. And there were people in there who loved her like family. She could only imagine the reaction waiting for her in the common room. Her friends would have learned the truth from McGonagall, and seeing as it was a Saturday, would likely loiter around the common room, waiting for her to return. She almost wished she could sneak in unseen, which reminded her of an incident a few days before.

"So, James, do you want to tell me about that interesting cloak of yours?" Lily laughed.

James had wondered when that would be brought up. He had hoped she had forgotten about it, so he shrugged off the question, "well, you know, family heirloom, passed down through the Potter line. I only use it for emergencies, of course."

"Of course," Lily chortled, knowing all those times James Potter had seemingly popped out of thin air to ask her on a date were now explained.

The entrance hall was warm, and the chattering of voices could be heard from the Great Hall where lunch was still being served. There were a few students on the stairs, either going or coming to lunch. A loud squeal came from the direction of the Great Hall and Lily suddenly found herself being charged by a tall blonde, who looked a mixture of worried sick and furious.

"Lily! Why didn't you tell me what happened! Oh never mind, it doesn't matter. How are you? I'm here for you, you know that, right? Oh, Lily!"

Lily hugged her best friend back tightly, feeling comfort in her friendly embrace. "I'm sorry Anne, I should have told you. I was just such a mess, I don't know what I was thinking."

Before Anne could respond, Lily heard a new voice ring throughout the hall. Professor McGonagall called "Mr. Potter!" in a voice that could only project one emotion: anger.

"Professor, may I say you look absolutely dashing this afternoon. Are those new robes?" James plastered his face with the most charming smile he could muster.

"Save it, Mr. Potter. What do you think you were doing, leaving Hogwarts for two days without a word to anyone about where you were going?"

"You didn't tell Professor McGonagall you were coming with me?" Lily choked, looking incredulously at James.

"It may have slipped my mind," James mumbled.

"May have?" McGonagall repeated. "Mr. Potter, I do not think you understand the seriousness of the situation you put us in. Except for your friends' testimony that you had requested a suit and told them you would be gone for a few days, we had no idea what had happened to you. I assume you know and understand what is going on outside these walls? What is your excuse for such a lack of judgment, Mr. Potter?"

"I don't have one," James muttered to his feet.

"Then you will have time to think of one during a week's worth of detention, and just be grateful I am not taking any points from Gryffindor. We expect a better example from our Head Boy."

James mouthed 'a week!'

"Yes, Mr. Potter, a week, starting Monday at 9pm in my office. I expect you to be on time."

"Yes Ma'am."

Anne disentangled herself from Lily and gazed back and forth between Lily, James, and their suitcases, which were sitting forgotten on the floor. Comprehension slowly dawned on her face.

Lily grabbed her friend's hand and started toward the common room, hoping to avoid any awkward questions. However, she was just a bit too late, because at that moment three young men exited the Great Hall.

"James, you're back," one proclaimed thickly through a half eaten sandwich.

"And look who he's back with," another chuckled, a sadistic grin spreading across his handsome face.

"Who?" piped the one with the sandwich, but the other one ignored him.

"I'll explain it to you later, Peter," sighed the third one tiredly.

Lily gave James a frantic glance that clearing conveyed, 'don't let them insinuate anything, please.'

James seemed to understand, because he quickly scooped up his suitcase and said cheerily, "see you on Monday, Professor," before joining his friends and guiding them back into the Great Hall under the pretense that he was starving.

Lily sighed in relief. If Sirius had made a scene, there would have been mad rumors flying around the castle about her relationship with James Potter before nightfall. Currently, all she had to do was retreat to the safety of her dormitory where she could calmly explain what had happened to her friends, and her reputation would remain untarnished.

Tuesday night arrived especially cold and snowy. The fat flakes kept distracting Lily from her homework as they fell past the 7th year girls' dormitory window, lulling her into a sort of distracted trance whenever she looked at them. She had only just torn her eyes away and put her mind back to her Transfiguration homework when Anne arrived to distract her again.

"Rough day," Lily commented as Anne stormed into the dormitory, slamming the door behind her and practically drop kicking her bag and books across the room.

"You mean you haven't heard?" Anne seethed.

"Heard what?"

"James Potter is trying to steal your pity! He practically told the entire school his parents died at the start of term. Leave it to that prat to barge in on your time of need and try to steal the sympathy away from you. He always has to be the center of attention...Lily why are you laughing?"

Lily couldn't help it. Anne's rant was by far the funniest thing that had happened since she had returned. "I don't care, Anne," Lily chuckled, "really, I don't." She then proceeded to swing her legs over the side of her bed and onto the cold floor. Slipping into her shoes, still laughing lightly, she added, "I've got to go do Head Girl rounds. I'll be back late, so good night."

"Good night," Anne responded, clearly not believing Lily didn't care if James stole her sympathy.

Lily wrapped her cloak around her tightly. The common rooms, Great Hall, and classrooms were all kept toasty warm, but the corridors were freezing. This was helpful to deter any trouble makers, but made for Lily's walks to be chilly and boring. The chiming of the Hogwarts bell told her it was eleven o'clock- only one more hour left, she thought wryly. She was strolling slowly down the Transfiguration wing when a door opened just in front of her. Preparing to either greet a Professor or tell off a student, she was mildly surprised when James emerged from the room, rubbing his temples. She had forgotten about his detentions.

"Have fun in detention?" she asked in what she knew was an irritatingly cheerful manner.

James just scowled at her. "She's making me grade first year Transfiguration essays!"

"That's hardly a punishment. She's going easy on you."

"Easy! Have you read any of that junk? We couldn't have been that bad when we were first years. Some of them can barely string two coherent sentences together."

"So, I heard that you told the school about your parents," Lily blurted, ending his rant about first years.

"Well, I only told Marta Jorkins about it, but you know her, she's worse than her older sister, so I imagine she's told everyone by now. You're not upset about it, are you?" he asked tentatively.

"Anne is," Lily laughed. "But I know why you did it, and I'm glad you finally told everyone James."

James looked at the floor for a few seconds, determined not to let Lily Evans see him blush. She was no longer crying hysterically every five minutes, and he was starting to feel like his old self around her again: lustful. He knew he had to be careful, or he would ruin any progress he had made with her. "I'm going to head over to the kitchens for a late night snack. Do you want to come with me?" he asked casually.

"I can't, I still have an hour left on duty."

"Oh come on, Lily," James prodded. "You can always make sure no one is sneaking out of bed to go get a snack."

"Like you, you mean."

"I'm Head Boy," James responded instantly, throwing out his chest so that his badge glittered in the torch light. Lily just shook her head, but finally conceded.

"Fine, I am a little bored, and I'll just get something quick." But Lily couldn't suppress that fact that she felt a little happier when she was around James and she had no idea why. Maybe it was just his company taking her mind off her troubles. When she had to roam the cold, empty halls alone her mind got to thinking about her parents.

James led the way to the kitchens, ducking into several hidden passages Lily hadn't even known existed. Finally they reached the portrait of the bowl of fruit, and after a few unsuccessful attempts at getting the pear the crack up, they finally climbed into the Hogwarts kitchens. Immediately house elves swarmed around them, offering up every variety of food imaginable. James practically ordered a seven course meal, as he sat down at one of the long tables that matched the ones above, and tucked a white napkin into his shirt front.

"Sit down, Lily," he instructed. "Tell the elves whatever you want to eat, and they will get it for you."

Lily sat down slowly, still in shock. She had known where the kitchens were, a Prefect privilege, but had never been inside. Still more unnerving was the willingness of the elves to serve her, something she was not at all used to. "Maybe I'll just have some fruit," she mumbled and half a minute later there were four elves holding a huge platter heaped with every fruit imaginable. Feeling guilty to only take one thing, Lily selected a shiny red apple to eat then, and pocketed an orange and a peach for later. James heartily tucked in to a bowl of steaming potato soup across the table from her.

They ate in silence, though it was surprisingly not awkward. In the few moments between James' finishing his soup and the elves bringing him a serving of left over pot roast Lily asked a question that had been burning at her ever since she had learned her parents had died.

"James, do you ever feel like you could have, should have, done more, and that if you had you could have saved them?"

He looked up at her, the serious look he had worn during the funeral back on his face. "Lily, there was nothing you could have done."

"But how can I know that?" she insisted, her voice cracking with emotion. "I'm a witch. They were so proud of my magical powers. I should have been there. I could have done something. I could have melted the ice on the road, or transfigured the mountain into a pillow, or something."

"Lily, trust me. I used to think this too. I should have studied harder, searched the Hogwarts library more thoroughly, attempted new potions. Maybe I could have found something that would have helped. Sirius practically had to hammer it into me that there was nothing I could have done. If professional Healers and Medi-Wizards couldn't help, then I shouldn't be beating myself up. You weren't there Lily, and there was no reason you should have been, and even if you had been, it could have happened so fast that even magic couldn't have helped, and you might be dead too."

Lily knew he was right, but she still couldn't shake the guilt.

"Sometimes I think we have been spoiled by magic," James continued. "We are too used to being able to fix things that break, make things pop out of thin air, and heal cuts and broken bones in an instant. But, and this is what Voldemort doesn't understand, when it comes to the important things, like true love and loss, we are just as powerless as the Muggles."

Lily looked at James in silent awe. "You sound like Dumbledore," she finally muttered.

James laughed lightly. "I might have borrowed that last bit from him. It's what he told me after my parents died."

The school year continued on its unalterable way. Lily found herself seeking James out whenever she felt depressed, and she had started to almost look forward to their patrols together at night. The only thing that bothered her, oddly enough, was the fact that as much as she wanted everything to go back to the way it had been before her parents had died, there was one thing preventing it. Never, in the three weeks since they had returned had James asked her on a date. He hadn't even made a single innuendo, and neither had Sirius, which Lily figured was because James had ordered him not to. And to Lily's great mental anguish, instead of this new development pleasing her, it bothered her. She was so used to turning down his advances that when they weren't there she felt like something was missing. Maybe that was the reason she did the most insane thing of her entire life.

"Anne!" Lily practically yelled as she ran into the dormitory. "I'm holding you to your word!"

Anne looked at Lily like she was mad. "What are you on about?"

"Do you remember the pact you made with me in our third year? I made you swear that if I ever said yes to one of James Potter's dates you'd throw me off the Astronomy Tower. Well, I'm holding you to your word."

"Lily, you didn't say yes, did you?" asked Anne, looking scandalized.

"Worse!" Lily shrieked. She didn't care that her other roommates were listening. "I've lost my mind. I asked him to Hogsmeade, completely forgetting that it was Valentine's Day weekend."

"And did he say yes?"

"He's James Potter, of course he said yes!"

"Well tell him you've changed your mind."

"I can't do that."

"Why not? When have you ever cared about hurting his feelings?"

"Because, oh Merlin, please throw me off the tower. Because, Anne, I think I actually want to go with him!"

"He's clearly slipped you a love potion over dinner. Don't worry, we'll go down to Slughorn and get an antidote."

Lily stopped pacing wildly and relaxed. Of course, she must be under the effect of a spell. She'd be sure to get James back for this, but she was also happy to know things were going back to normal.

When she and Anne went down to see the potions master, he performed a charm to find out which potion she had injested. The results: there was no potion. Lily had acted of her own accord.

A/N: Hope you all liked it. Please fill up my mail box with all those reviews!