Chapter 10
April Fool's Day
Lily woke on Thursday morning with the usual end-of-week laziness. She regretfully denied her body its will to fall back to sleep, and stretched luxuriously instead. She'd be able to sleep in on Saturday, only forty-eight more hours, she told herself. It didn't help her present tiredness, but at least it gave her something to work toward. She reached to pull back the curtains around her bed, which afforded her what little privacy one could get while living in a room with five other girls. However, the curtains remained stubbornly stuck shut. Still blinking sleep out of her eyes, Lily pulled harder on the old curtains. They still didn't budge. From somewhere beyond her bed, she heard a stifled giggle.
"Anne, what did you do to my bed!"
The giggle turned into laughter. "Happy April Fool's Day, Lily!"
"Oh it will be, when I return the favor. Now tell me how to get out of here."
"You want to fight dark wizards after Hogwarts, and you can't even figure out how to get out of bed! Good luck Lily!"
Lily grabbed her wand, which she had kept under her pillow ever since she had learned that James, Sirius, and Peter could get into her dorm as animals. She wouldn't be caught off guard if they decided to play a moronic game of truth or dare. "Finite Incantatem," she said firmly, pointing the willow wand at the curtain rod. With a small pop, the curtains sprung apart, revealing the dormitory. Anne sat on the bed opposite, grinning madly. Lily threw a pillow at her roughly before heading for the bathroom.
Lily entered the common room the first, of the soon to be many, casualties of the ridiculous day. James met her almost immediately, kissing her more passionately than usual.
"Have you been causing havoc already?" she teased.
"Never, my love," he returned with a sly smile.
"Well, if you haven't been reeking mayhem, then you won't mind me asking what you plan on doing to Severus today?" It was only the millionth time she had asked him in the past week.
The sly smile on James' face only widened. "You will have to wait till Potions to find out, just like everyone else."
"Potions! You aren't going to do it in front of Slughorn, are you? You really do want to spend the rest of the year in detention, don't you?"
"Can I help it if I love the smell of pickled pig bladders simmering slowly in the detention cauldron?" Lily made a face. "Don't worry about me, Lily. I've had seven years of experience in harassing Snivellus, and most of the time I didn't get caught. I have it planned so that Slughorn can't pin it on me, no matter how much he suspects. Though," James drew out the word, before kissing Lily again, "I could use your help with one tiny detail."
"You're not turning me into a conspirator."
"No one would even know. All we need you to do is perform one simple little charm."
"If it is so simple, why don't you do it yourself?" Lily laughed.
"Ok, so perhaps it isn't so simple. Sirius and I haven't been able to get it right, and Remus is still weak, so we don't want to bother him with it. And you're really, really, good at charms Lily. You know you are. You can use this as an instance to show off. Demonstrate your superior skills…"
"You can stop the flattery," Lily interrupted. "Show me what you want me to do, and then I might do it for you."
"You're the best!" James replied, giving her another quick kiss. Lily simply rolled her eyes as he led her over to where Sirius poured over an advanced charms book and an ordinary whoopee cushion.
"Dare I ask what you are trying to do?" she inquired again.
"You don't need to worry about the main hex," Sirius replied mischievously, "we just need you to combine these two charms with it." He pushed the book over to her, pointing at the two charms he and James had been trying to cast.
Lily glanced at the charms and instantly understood how James thought he could get away with the joke without getting caught She also understood why neither James nor Sirius had been able to cast the spells themselves. Proximity and transfer charms were very complex and tricky. The first charm had to be combined with the existing hex on the Muggle whoopee cushion. If done correctly however, the proximity charm would cause the hex to become active only when James moved more than six meters away. The transfer charm would be even trickier, since it had to be entwined with the other two spells, in order to effectively move those spells from the whoopee cushion onto another object.
It took Lily almost twenty minutes to perfect the wand movements and words required in order to perform both spells to her satisfaction. But in the end, she was confident both would work, and James and Sirius looked as though it were Christmas again. However, the charms had taken so long that breakfast was over, and they risked arriving late to Potions. "You two owe me," Lily lectured playfully, "breakfast in bed, at least, since you made me miss my toast and eggs."
When they reached the Potions classroom, Lily found Anne waiting with a peace offering. "I noticed you weren't at breakfast, so I stole some toast. Can I ask what kept you from your usual morning meal?"
Lily, knowing full well what Anne meant to imply, replied equally suggestively, "I was doing a favor for James…and Sirius."
Anne looked scandalized for about half a second before she burst out laughing. "Sorry Lily, but adding Black made that completely unbelievable." Sirius glared at her from his position next to James.
Lily munched on her pilfered breakfast as she and Anne walked toward their usual table near the front of the Potions classroom. She watched James out of the corner of her eye as she set up her cauldron and basic ingredients. He walked nonchalantly past the stool Snape usually sat on, depositing the spell ridden whoopee cushion on top of the wooden stool. Lily held her breath slightly, to see if her charms had really worked. For a few seconds, the rubber bladder sat unchanged, still conspicuously full of air, but soon it slowly deflated soundlessly, indicating that the proximity charm and hex had been transferred to the seat.
Meanwhile, James and Sirius set up their own cauldrons and ingredients two tables away from Snape's, but still easily within the six meter limit. They attempted to look innocent as Severus entered, with his usual greasy hair and scowl. He picked up the rather obvious, deflated whoopee cushion off his chair with a severe look of disdain on his face. Holding the whoopee cushion in two fingers, and away from him, as though it would give him a disease, he flung it at James and Sirius.
"I sincerely hope you didn't expect to embarrass me with this filthy Muggle joke," he spat. "And clearly, even Muggles have more intelligence than you two. One must fill it with air in order to produce the desired effect."
"How foolish of us, eh Padfoot?" James whispered as he glared back at Severus Snape. Then, raising his voice enough for most of the class to hear, he asked "why do you assume we'd try to embarrass you with some Muggle thing, Snivellus? There are far more useful spells to torture Slytherins like you. Though, I am impressed by your knowledge of Muggle joke items, since you try to never associate with Muggles or Muggleborns, blood purity and all that." James then proceeded to banish the whoopee cushion into the far corner of the room with mock disgust.
Snape flushed slightly as James pointed out that, for a pureblood Slytherin who wouldn't go within fifty yards of a Muggle Studies class, he knew an awful lot about Muggle artifacts. However, any retort had to wait, as Slughorn entered the room. Snape took his seat, and nothing happened. Lily was relieved to see that the proximity charm still held.
Professor Slughorn looked directly at Sirius and James as he said, "I know that today, traditionally, is a day for pranks and jokes. All fine and well when you are on your own time, but while you are in my classroom, there will be no funny business and it would be ill-advised to attempt any."
Although fairly short and balding, Slughorn could demand respect from a class. Lily had to admit that James was brave, foolish too, but still brave for attempting his trick under Slughorn's nose. James and Sirius seemed unfazed by the Potions Master's speech, since James continued to glare daggers at Snape, who returned the nasty looks just as strongly. Finally, however, Snape was forced to turn away to start his own potion, since he insisted on working alone. Sirius had already begun his and James' concoction, allowing James to obtain the satisfied look of someone who has just won a tiny, yet satisfying victory.
Throughout the next two hours, James was careful not to move too far away from his and Sirius' table. Professor Slughorn seemed to pace that end of the room far more often than Lily's side, probably owing to the volatile nature of placing Sirius, James, and Severus in the same room for more than five minutes. Finally, Slughorn asked everyone to cork a vial of what should be a strong sleeping potion, bring it up to the front desk, and then clean up their work spaces. Lily tried to keep her eyes on her own cauldron as she cleaned. However, they kept drifting unconsciously toward James, as she wondered when he would finally make his move.
It didn't take long. As Sirius took his and James' vial of sleeping potion to the front of the room, James intentionally stuck a leg out to trip Snape, who was skulking up to the desk with his own potion. Snape stumbled, but failed to drop the potion, undoubtedly as James had hoped. However, the main objective was to gain Slughorn's attention, which it did faster than a rogue bludger.
"Mr. Potter!" Slughorn ambled over to where James was sitting smugly.
"Sorry sir," he replied unconvincingly, "I was stretching."
"Well you can stretch your legs as you carry your unused ingredients back to the store cupboard, and then while wiping down all the tables after class, without magic."
"Yes sir," James replied, scooping up his and Sirius' unused ingredients and making a beeline for the storeroom. Lily knew that as soon as he entered the small side room, he would be far enough away for the proximity charm to activate, as intended.
Slughorn still stood between James and Snape's tables, when Sirius and Snape returned from the front of the room. The entire room was in constant motion, as students corked vials of potion, rinsed out cauldrons, put away unused ingredients, and packed textbooks back into bags. Lily grudgingly gave James credit for his foresight. With so many students up and about, anyone could have the opportunity to hex a stool while James was conveniently otherwise engaged in the ingredient cupboard.
When Snape sat down, the sound of magnified flatulence echoed through the room. Juvenile, but effective, it caused small bouts of giggles and snickers to break out. Snape hopped off the stool as if it had bitten him, pointing his wand aggressively at Sirius. The giggles and snickers changed to groans as Lily discovered just what James and Sirius had added to the whoopee cushion. A foul smelling stench crept throughout the room, making people gag and cover their mouths.
James chose that moment to exit the store cupboard with the elegant inquiry, "Ewww, Merlin, what died in here?"
Snape's head and wand instantly pivoted from Sirius to James. "I know you charmed my chair, Potter."
James put his hands up in what he hoped was an innocent manner. "I've been putting away ingredients. Professor Slughorn, did you see me anywhere near Mr. Snape's chair?"
Slughorn gave James a suspicious look, but finally agreed. "No, Mr. Potter, I don't see how you could have hexed Mr. Snape's chair. Now, if you will please lower your wand, Mr. Snap." Slughorn coughed, no doubt due to the nasty odor still filling the room. "Class dismissed, except for Potter, who gets to clean the tables."
As Lily left, she saw James point his wand at his nose before beginning to scrub the tables.
The school day ended quietly, with no other pranks comparing to the one James had pulled on Severus. Lily reclined on one end of a common room sofa, reading an assignment from her Charms textbook, while James stretched out over the rest of the sofa, napping with his head on Lily's lap. Remus studied nearby. Anne lounged in the chair next to him, and although she should be writing a Care of Magical Creatures essay, she kept throwing Remus odd looks. Lily made a mental note to ask about it later, but instantly forgot when she heard barking from outside the portrait hole.
A few seconds later a group of third year girls trooped in, followed by a large and very familiar black dog. Lily instantly stood up, abruptly ending James' nap. She adopted her usual Head Girl pose: hands on hips, McGonagall like expression on her face.
"We found him outside after Herbology class," one of the third year girls explained softly. "We just want to keep him till after dinner, so we can nick some food for him. Please?"
"He might have rabies," Lily told them sternly, "and what about all the cat owners in Gryffindor?"
"We'll watch him, we promise!"
James, who had quickly assessed the situation, placed a gentle hand on Lily's shoulder. "He's just having a bit of fun," he whispered softly in her ear.
The third years stared at Lily expectantly, waiting for the verdict. "Fine," Lily finally recanted, "but you had better make sure he behaves himself."
The girls shrieked with happiness, as Padfoot barked along happily. He obediently followed the girls to a sofa, where he thrilled them with doggie kisses all over their faces. Lily watched with disgust, no longer able to keep her mind on her studies. All across the common room, girls oohed and ahhed over the antics of the dog. Eventually, one of the girls took Padfoot on a walk across the common room, so the other Gryffindors could pet him. Lily shook her head, as she watched an interesting pattern emerge. Padfoot would gladly sit and let the boys pet him, but he reserved doggie kisses only for the girls.
He bounded over to where Lily, James, Anne and Remus sat, wagging a furry tail happily. Anne immediately caved to the canine cuteness, dropping to her knees on the floor in front of him.
"Ahhh, aren't you the cutest little doggie ever," she cooed in a baby voice. Padfoot responded with several licks on her face. Anne just laughed, giving the dog a return kiss on the top of his head. If she only knew.
"Anne, that is disgusting," remarked Lily from the sofa, as Padfoot continued to lick her best friend's face.
The dog turned toward Lily next. "Don't even think about it, you mongrel" she told him sternly as he put his paws on her lap. "I know a very handy neutering charm." Padfoot gave a low growl in response to the threat before putting all four paws back on the ground.
"Been bothering your brother over in Slytherin?" James muttered very quietly, so that only Lily and the dog could hear him. Padfoot barked once, and Lily assumed that was a 'yes' since James burst out laughing.
"Come on doggie," a third year girl called, clapping her hands to get Padfoot's attention. "Let's go upstairs so my room mates can see you, you handsome thing."
Lily groaned as Padfoot happily obeyed and raced up the girl's dormitory steps, barking the whole way.
"I wonder what a stray dog was doing wandering around at Hogwarts?" Anne mused. "It seems awfully far away from any Muggle civilization. Do you think someone in Hogsmeade owns him? Maybe we should put up missing dog signs."
"I don't think you need to worry about it," Remus replied, looking as though he were having a very hard time stifling a laugh.
"Yes, I'm sure he can find his way home," James added, sharing a look with Remus. Lily glared at both of them disapprovingly. She was sure they had both known Sirius had planned this as part of his April Fool's Day itinerary. What better way to get a kiss from every girl in Gryffindor without them knowing?
More barking erupted upstairs, along with some shouting. Half a second later, Padfoot bounded down the stairs, with something bright orange clamped in his jaws. Two seconds after that, Julian, another seventh year girl, came running after him.
"Get back here, you thief," she shouted after the dog. "Anne will kill you if you chew that to pieces."
"What does he have of mine!" Anne shouted, jumping out of her chair.
Padfoot charged around the common room. It took two circuits before Lily realized what he was carrying, and judging from her reaction, Anne had realized too.
"Give me back my bra!" she yelled, chasing after the dog. Undoubtedly, that was the very reaction Padfoot had hoped for. Anne, inevitably, tired out well before the elusive dog. She slumped back down in her chair, breathing heavy and looking flushed. "I just told the whole common room that I have a bright orange bra," she moaned to Lily.
At that moment, Padfoot decided to return the stolen undergarment by flinging it into the air so that it landed on Remus' head.
Anne tried to dissolve into her chair as Remus carefully picked her bra off his head. While clearly trying to look the other direction, he offered it back to Anne with a shy, "I believe this is yours."
"Thank you," Anne squeaked in a mortified whisper as she hastily grabbed the bra and shoved it behind her back.
Padfoot, apparently believing he had caused enough mayhem for one day, took off out the portrait hole. Lily sighed, hoping that had been Sirius' April Fools day finale. Though he had, unknowingly, helped her out in one way. After displaying Anne's underwear to the whole common room, Lily no longer felt like her friend deserved to be gotten back for the curtain trick that morning.