Chapter 12

The 'L' Word

A mild chill remained in the April air as students navigated the muddy path into Hogsmeade. Most complained about the mud that threatened to suck off sneakers and caked to the hems of slacks and cloaks. However, a few pupils enjoyed the muck, sliding through it and even starting mud ball fights.

Lily barely paid attention to the skirmish playing out ahead of her, as she talked with Anne, Julian and Liza, two other seventh year Gryffindors joining them for dress robe shopping. As Julian and Liza commiserated on the difficulties of finding a nice guy to ask to the ball, Lily saw something fly out of the corner of her eye. One of the third year boys ahead of them hurled a muddy clod of earth toward another student, who had enough sense to duck. However, this left the clod sailing toward Lily, who prompting pulled out her wand, and yelled, "Protego!" The clod hit the shimmering shield a half second later, splattering mud against the magical barrier.

"Well, it's good to know that works on solid objects," Anne commented dryly as Lily glared daggers at the boys ahead of them. They looked sufficiently embarrassed, as well as terrified that the Head Girl would take points from their house.

"You're going to be one hell of a mother someday," laughed Julian. "You could turn someone to stone with that look."

"Hopefully the children won't take after James then," Anne quipped, "or they'll be in for a rough childhood."

Lily turned her death stare on Anne, but cracked a smile only seconds later. She could never stay angry for long amid her friends' banter. "And I'm sure your and Remus' children will be very well behaved bookworms," she shot back, watching Anne's face achieve a cherry red color in less than two seconds. She had made her point and proved her suspicions at the same time.

Anne managed to regain control fast enough to continue the verbal battle. "I've changed my mind. I hope your children do take after James, that way they are spared your cruel sense of humor."

"I hope yours get Remus' sense, period," Lily returned. "The brown hair too. They don't need to live up to the blonde jokes, like their mother."

"I believe I'm far closer to being named a godmother than you are, Lily," returned Anne, while Julian and Liza laughed at the antics. "Seeing as I don't even have a boyfriend."

"You, a godmother! I'd have to be insane to leave a child in your care," Lily teased. The best friends had sworn long ago that they would name each other the godmother of their children.

Still joking and laughing, the ladies arrived outside of Gladrags Wizardwear, which was packed with girls searching for dress robes. Lily cast a cleaning charm to remove the sticky mud from their shoes, jeans, and cloaks before entering. A tiny bell tinkled as they closed the door, and a frazzled looking witch busily pinning a hem line shouted, "have a look around, dears, and let me know if you need help with anything."

Descending upon the racks, the four girls joined in the general melee for ball attire. Every once in a while Anne would pop up next to Lily, offering a robe that "must have been made for you."

Lily's arms ached under a dozen or so possible choices when Anne appeared once more. She held out a shimmering green robe with a toothy grin.

"I've seen more material on lingerie," Lily protested, pushing the dress robe back at Anne.

"Oh, come on Lily," Anne pouted. "Try it on, just for fun. It matches your eyes."

Lily took the hanger, rolled her eyes, and fought her way through the throng of other shoppers in order to get to the fitting rooms. Lily and Anne stepped into adjacent rooms, pulling the curtained entrances shut before hanging their selections inside and starting up a conversation through the wall.

"I really hope this blue one fits," Anne moaned over the rustling sound of clothes being removed.

"Everything you try on fits," Lily returned, unceremoniously mounding her clothes into a heap in the corner. "You're disgusting like that."

"Jealous?"

"Not if it requires me to have a taste in clothes like that green thing."

"Have you tried it on yet?"

"No," Lily responded, making it clear that it was the last thing she wanted to wear.

Lily examined herself in the full length mirror. The chocolate brown dress robe she wore was nice, but it just didn't scream "buy me!" Anne called for Lily to look at her dress robe. Liza and Julian already stood outside Anne's room, complimenting each other on their choices.

"Hey Lily, that's nice," Anne exclaimed before twirling in her turquoise blue robe that she had already proclaimed her favorite. "What do you think?"

"I told you everything you try on always fits," Lily laughed. Anne looked very attractive in the v-cut robe, which had a slight train in the back and slit up the middle of the front.

Once more secluded in the changing room, Lily began trying on her other picks.

"Do you think I really should get this one?" Anne called from the other side of the wall.

"Yes," Lily replied seriously. "You look great in it. Now all you need to do is find a guy who will look great alongside it. I think it would match Remus' hair well, don't you?"

"It doesn't matter if it matches well or not," Anne responded, subdued. "I already asked him, but he said he couldn't go with me. I suppose that means another girl already asked him."

Lily stopped half way through pulling on another robe, shocked that Remus would turn down Anne. She had gotten the feeling he liked Anne as much as Anne liked him. And James hadn't mentioned any other girls asking him.

The truth hit Lily like a charging hippogriff. The full moon rose two days before the ball! She slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand. She had completely forgotten, or else she would have tried to keep Anne from asking Remus. Even if he wanted to go with her, he would likely be far too weak. What would Anne say when she saw that he wasn't even in attendance?

"Ah, Anne, I'm sorry," Lily finally breathed, leaning against the wall so that she didn't have to yell it for the whole store to hear. "I'll help you find another date."

"If you really want to cheer me up, you'll try on that green robe."

"Fine." Feeling guilty for teasing Anne about Remus earlier, Lily decided she could at least try the garment on.

"Well, how does it look?" Anne called a few minutes later.

Lily was unable to respond as she absorbed her reflection in the mirror. The clingy material plunged so low she was sure she had bathing suits that covered more skin, and the slits that ran the length of both sides revealed more thigh than any mini-skirt she had ever tried on. Despite the amount of flesh the robe displayed, Lily couldn't deny that the color pulled out the green in her eyes, and matched well with her fair skin and red hair.

"Lily! I want to see!" Anne's head popped through the curtain, and her jaw promptly fell open. "That's the one. You have to get that one!"

"Are you mad?" inquired Lily, finally tearing her eyes from the mirror.

"We want to see too!" echoed two more voices from outside the curtain.

Before she could dig her heels in and protest, Anne dragged her out into the store. Julian and Liza's reactions mimicked Anne's.

"You have to get that one!" Liza commanded.

Julian nodded. "James will die when he sees you. You have to get that one, just so I can see his face."

"But I feel so exposed," Lily objected, resisting both her friends' advice and the voice in the back of her own head tempting her to give in.

"Imagine it with heels on!" Anne added, apparently ignoring Lily's protest. The other girls nodded their heads vigorously.

"I'm the Head Girl, I'm supposed to set a good example, not advocate dressing like a scarlet woman." It was one last ditch effort to convince herself, more than the others, that she should go more conservative.

"Don't be ridiculous, Lily," Liza responded. "Now go get changed and we'll still have time to stop at the Three Broomsticks before going back."

Sighing, Lily retreated into the dressing room and admitted defeat. She purchased the dress robe, feeling both guilty and victorious at the same time.

During the next week, Lily began her campaign to cheer up Anne by finding her a replacement date. She pointed out good looking guys in the hallways and Great Hall, dragged Anne to Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff Quidditch practices to scope out athletes, and suggested friendly Prefects. Anne, however, seemed to resign herself to attending stag. She ignored Lily's match-making attempts and instead mulled over who Remus had invited. As hard as she tried, Lily couldn't shake Anne out of her depression. Finally, she decided to talk to Remus without Anne knowing.

She found him a little over a week before the ball, studying in a secluded corner of the library. His table sat far from Madam Pince's cranky watch, hidden behind several long isles of dusty tomes. He looked tired, Lily noted, probably due to the combination of studying for N.E.W.T. exams and the approaching full moon.

"Hello Lily, come to study?" He startled her with his question. He hadn't even looked up from his textbooks.

"To talk, actually," Lily replied slowly. She couldn't resist the temptation, "how'd you know it was me?"

Remus cast a anti-eavesdropping charm. "Lycanthropy heightens my senses," he replied. "I could hear you coming, and well, everyone has their own unique scent, so I smelled you too."

Lily looked shocked by this information.

"Don't worry, it's a good smell," he added lightly. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"Anne," Lily replied simply, taking a seat across from him. His brown eyes met hers.

"I assume you know why I turned her down?"

"Because of your furry little problem," replied Lily, borrowing the term James used to describe Remus' monthly transformation. "I assume there is no way you would be well enough to attend, after only two days?"

"I've been trying to think of potions that might help me regain enough strength to make it through a ball, but nothing I've tried in the past has ever worked."

"She thinks you turned her down because you're going with someone else. She's starting to get suspicious though, because she can't figure out who. She's practically interrogated every girl in Gryffindor and Ravenclaw above fifth year. I think she'll be after the Hufflepuffs this week."

Remus understood what Lily was suggesting. "I can't tell her the truth."

"You told me."

"You were different. I told you for James. I didn't want you to suddenly see me as a monster, but I could have handled it if you did. But Anne…" his voice trailed off.

"You really like her!"

"It hasn't been obvious?"

"Not when I'm used to the type of flirting James and Sirius engage in. You're not an easy person to read, Remus. I suspected you liked her, but not that much."

"If I tell her, she'll loathe me. I'm too dangerous to be in romantic relationships, I accepted that fact long ago. Any serious girlfriend would get suspicious every month."

"Not if you tell her. She's my best friend, Remus, I know her. She wouldn't push you away just for that."

"Can you be sure?" Remus responded insecurely. "She's a pureblood, Lily. She's been brought up with the prejudice, the fear. You didn't learn about werewolves until Hogwarts, which is why you pity me instead of fearing me."

"James is a pureblood. Sirius is a pureblood. They broke the law for you! You can't know she'll turn you away just because of her upbringing."

Remus gave an exasperated sigh. "I can't Lily."

"So you'd rather leave her depressed, doubting your feelings for her, than tell her the truth and possibly find solace and understanding?"

"I'll ask her out on a date after the ball, after the moon has waned."

"This isn't a bargain! What if I tested the water a bit, found out how she feels about werewolves?"

"You can, if it would make you feel better."

"Would it make you change your mind?" Lily's voice rose with her growing aggravation.

"Lily, let me think about it, please. I believe I have very good reasons for being so secretive. It is never an easy decision to let someone else into the loop."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push so much," apologized Lily.

"You just want to make Anne happy," Remus replied. "I understand that. I'll think about it, I promise."

Lily left Remus in the library as she went to perform her assigned Head Girl rounds. She walked the empty corridors, only meeting a Prefect, ghost, or strolling professor every once in a great while. These nighttime watches were the only drawback to the responsibility and honor of being Head Girl. Lily never enjoyed reprimanding people, and she would much rather have been studying amid the pleasant buzz of the common room than roaming silent hallways with only her thoughts.

Finally, with her three hour shift over, Lily returned to Gryffindor Tower. There were still several students studying in the common room, mostly fifth and seventh years stressing over their approaching exams. Lily collapsed into an empty arm chair next to the fire, happily relaxing to the sound of crackling logs and pleasant warmth.

Suddenly Lily's eyes flew open to the uncomfortable feeling of being watched. She realized, a bit slowly, that she had fallen asleep. Her neck cramped uncomfortably as she slowly turned her head. James watched her from the nearest chair, the dying firelight reflecting off his glasses.

"You know that's creepy, watching me sleep," she informed him. "You're like a stalker in the making."

"But you look so beautiful and peaceful when you're asleep."

"Am I to take it that means I'm not beautiful or peaceful when I'm awake?" she teased.

He pushed her over in her chair, making room for himself, so that by the time he settled in she was sitting on his lap.

"Comfortable?" Lily asked sarcastically.

"Very," he replied with a grin.

Lily noticed that the rest of the common room was empty. "How long have I been asleep?"

James shrugged. "I've only been stalking you for about five minutes. You were asleep when I came in."

"I don't know what intrigues you so much about me sleeping. You've seen me sleep before."

"Yes, but you weren't sleeping peacefully then," he responded softly.

Suppressed memories of the night after her parents' funeral came flooding back painfully. She still had nightmares sometimes, causing her to wake in tears and a cold sweat. Silently, she leaned her head against James' chest, blinking away tears.

"Sorry," James mumbled into her hair as he leaned his chin against the top of her head.

"Don't be sorry. I need to think about it, or I'll find myself homeless at the end of the term. I really do need to start looking into getting an apartment or a flat somewhere, London maybe."

They were silent for a few minutes, before James very tentatively suggested, "you could stay with me."

Lily turned her head so that she could meet his eyes. "You mean move in with you? Live together?"

Even in the dim light, she could see his face flush slightly. "Well, I mean live together in my house, but I don't expect…not in the same room or anything, unless you wanted...and Sirius will be there, of course, it's not like it would be just you and me, like we were…" He realized he was rambling and quickly concluded. "It was just a thought."

Lily continued to stare at him. She had never lived alone. She'd always had her sister and parents at home, and while at Hogwarts a dormitory full of girls. Living alone would be a huge change. Was that why James' suggestion was so tempting?

"Can I think about it?" she finally muttered.

"Of course."

She gave him a slight smile. "I'm going to go fall asleep in my bed, so you can't watch me."

He laughed lightly. "Good night then." He gently brushed his lips against hers. "I love you."

Lily, who had been about to say good night as well, felt the words catch in her throat. Had he just said he loved her? He called her 'love' all the time, but that was just a pet name. He loved her? They had only been dating for two months, how could he love her?

So she did the only thing her overworked brain could think of. With a squeaky, "good night," she fled up the girls' stairwell.

Lily didn't inhale until she closed the dormitory door behind her, leaning against it and breathing heavy, as if she had just been chased by some demon. She tried not to think as she changed into her nightdress, but the sound of James' voice repeating 'I love you' played on a continuous loop through her head. Asking her to live with him was one thing, telling her he loved her was too much for one night.

She would burst if she didn't do something. She paced in front of her bed a few times, weighing her options, before striding over to Anne's bed and wrenching back the curtains.

"Whadyawan?" Anne mumbled incoherently.

"I need to talk to you," Lily replied, climbing into bed with her best friend and pulling the curtains closed behind her. They hadn't done this- climb into each others beds to gossip- since second year. Lily cast a quick anti-eavesdropping charm.

Slightly more conscious, Anne inquired, "what's wrong?"

Lily snuggled into the warmed blankets, facing her best friend, their faces only inches apart. "James just told me he loves me."

"Is that all?"

"Anne! He said 'I love you.' He said 'I love you' after he asked me to live at his house after graduation."

Anne seemed to find this bit of information slightly more news worth than the first. "Really? He asked you to move in with him?"

"Can we focus on the important thing, please? He said he loved me."

"Well, what's the problem? Don't you love him?"

Lily hadn't expected that question. She stared at Anne's outline in the dark for several minutes, her mouth open but not producing words. Her mind mulled over the question. "How do you know if you love someone that way?" she finally muttered.

Anne shrugged. "I've never been in love, so I'm not sure. But do you enjoy being with him?"

"Of course," Lily replied, "but I enjoy spending time with all my friends."

"Does it feel like you've been together forever?"

"So much longer than just two months," breathed Lily.

"Does he turn you on?"

"Anne!" Lily hissed, blushing.

"I'm asking seriously," said Anne in a no nonsense tone. "Are you sexually attracted to him?"

Lily fought down another blush. "Yes," she finally whispered, "very much yes. But lust does not always equal love."

"Can you imagine your life without him?" Anne continued.

"No," responded Lily, "but I can't imagine my life without you, either."

Anne grinned. "Thanks, Lily. Me too. But be honest, would it feel worse to lose him?"

"Anne, that's not a fair question..."

"Just answer it truthfully. You aren't going to hurt my feelings."

Lily remained silent for a moment, thinking. As much as she hated to admit it, she'd known the answer as soon as Anne had asked. "Yes. I think I would die if I lost him."

"You went to him when you needed comfort and support," stated Anne. "You took him to your parents' funeral."

There was nothing accusatory in Anne's tone, but Lily still felt a twinge of guilt. Why had she asked James to come to the funeral instead of her best friend? He knew the pain of loss, but why had that been so comforting? Could she have subconsciously loved him even then? In her time of need, had her soul reached out for solace from its mate?

"You know what Anne? I do love him. I think I've loved him for awhile."

"I'm glad I could help you sort that out," she replied groggily.

"And I just ran out of the common room, without saying anything back to him! He thinks I hate him! I have to go tell him." Lily hopped out of bed and rushed for the door.

"You go do that," Anne responded, already half asleep.

Lily crossed the empty common room and sprinted up the steps leading to the boys' dormitories. She silently pushed open the door to the seventh year boys' dormitory and tip-toed into the dark room. It was only then, as she squinted at all four curtained beds, she realized she didn't know which one belonged to James. Praying that none of the boys enjoyed sleeping in the nude, she peeked inside the first curtained four poster bed. Sirius' shaggy head stuck out from beneath wrinkled blankets, his low snores indicating she hadn't disturbed him. She crept toward the next bed. Gently, she pulled back the curtains and peered inside.

James lay on his back, staring at the ceiling, with the blankets pulled up to his bare navel. His glasses sat on his bedside stand, but he didn't reach for them. He turned his head toward Lily but remained silent.

Lily sat down on the edge of his bed, pulling the curtains shut, before stretching out beside him. He made no move to touch her in return. "I love you too," she whispered.

His arms suddenly encircled her, pulling her tightly against his chest. One hand ran through her hair, gently coaxing her face closer to his. When their lips met, fireworks seemed to explode inside Lily's body. His kisses felt urgent and needy. With a slight shock, Lily realized that proud, confident James Potter was just as insecure as her when it came to sharing his feelings. She tired to show how much she loved him with her return kisses, and soon both gasped for air. James pulled away, breathlessly whispered the incantation for an imperturbable charm, then pressed his lips against Lily's once more.