The tranquil breeze blowing outside gently hushes the day away, welcoming the early stars of twilight to peek through the beautiful full trees on the Kent farm.
The peacefulness of the porch steps allow Audrey a quiet moment to reflect on her emotions regarding the inevitable path it seems she must take.
Finding joy in the simplicity of life in Smallville was not something she had expected. At the bottom of her rapidly fraying rope, she had come to be near Lex, feeling lost in a world without him. Yet the fear of standing alone against Lionel led her to seek refuge in the company of the only one who was strong enough to stand with her and escape unscathed. Yet, that pivotal piece of evidence that proclaimed Clark powerful enough to protect her, also confirmed everything she feared about Lex would undeniably come to fruition.
As the sad reality of her situation rolls through her mind, she plays with the scroll on her lap. Ironically, she who had tried so hard to avoid being used as a pawn in the epic struggle between father and son sits holding the piece that could forever change the game.
"Audrey, honey, do you need a sweater or something? It's getting awfully chilly out here," Martha asks, coming out of the screen door, disguising her genuine fear for Audrey's well-being as gentle mothering.
"I'm fine," Audrey says, wrapping her fingers around the rolled print, tucking it into the folds of her shirt. "Mrs. Kent, do you mind if I talk to you a moment?" Audrey asks, taking the step down the road in which she cannot go back.
The fact that Audrey did not use her first name instantly makes Martha fear would words might come next. In the past few days the two of them had formed a bond, and if Martha learned anything about her friend, is was that she was hiding much more than she would ever share.
However, Martha is grateful for that Audrey would choose to confide in her at all, knowing she too is guilty of hiding secrets.
"I've decided I have to leave Smallville," Audrey begins, the words proving even harder to speak then they are to think.
Martha sits quietly, reading Audrey's need to speak her piece without being interrupted.
"I came to Smallville because of Clark, I thought I would be safe here," she says, able to speak the heavy words matter of factly. She pauses, turning her face away from Martha, feeling the strain of her guilt.
Letting out a sigh, she comes clean. "I'm sorry Martha, that's not true. I came to Smallville because I was foolish enough to believe that somehow I would be able to erase the past. I needed to believe that I would be able to go to Lex and live happily ever after in his beautiful castle hidden away from the world," she says, longing apparent in her distant stare.
"I just never considered that the prince would have more of a moat guarding him than the one guarding the castle."
"Oh sweetie, most men come with walls built around them," Martha offers, trying to comfort her, but fearing that Audrey's dream can never come true.
Audrey looks up at Martha, smiling with appreciation for the sentiment. Sadly though she knows her situation is not one that can be fixed by a session of girl talk discussing men and their issues with commitment. She has to face reality, which means she has to share with Martha the reasons she had come, and the reasons she has no choice but to leave.
"Lionel's never going to leave me alone," Audrey says, her tone flat as she realizes how truly ensnared she is.
"Does he know about the baby?" Martha quietly asks, hoping Audrey can forgive her for being so forward.
Audrey's head whips around, surprised it seems that her secret wasn't as hidden as well as she thought.
"No one does," she lies, disbelieving herself that her secret had been found out.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry. It's just, well, I just sensed it," Martha says.
"If tonight's going to be about secrets, than I feel I must share another one with you," Audrey trepidatiously says.
Martha swallows hard, fearing what's to come. But, instinct forces her to nod her head in agreement, and allows Audrey to proceed.
Audrey slowly pulls out the rolled up painting, presenting it to Martha with as much trepidation one would have in handing over their own child.
Within, it holds the written truth, the words whose presence represent everything she had so long prayed could not be true. Hidden within the man she loves is a force stronger than she can fight against, a blackness darker than her mind could conjure up in the midst of her worst nightmare. The man she loves more than life itself has brewing within him the desire to rid the world of one, the only one, who could save it from pain and destruction.
This insatiable drive to conquer was a seed planted by his father before he was even old enough to comprehend the difference between right and wrong. Despite the claims of her childhood teachings that right would always win out over wrong, Audrey knows with every fiber of her being that the power the Luthors' possessed could crush anyone who they set out to destroy.
She held onto the faith of the power within Clark. The power she was not fully able to comprehend, but trusting that there were reasons why she could not. She clings to the belief that the purity of heart that she witnessed by being in his presence was but a sliver of the light of goodness that flows within him. She has no choice but to believe that the unparalleled source of power within Clark, the light of one who was meant to shine brighter than any, could somehow be able to bring Lex out of the darkness that would one day inevitably consume him.
"I want you to have this," Audrey begins, keeping her eyes on the rolled paper as Martha slides it out of her grasp. "Letting it go is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do."
Martha continues to assume the worst, bracing herself for the contents of the paper Audrey is entrusting her with. Seeing the assurance that she is deserving of this gift in Audrey's heavy eyes, Martha slowly unrolls it, revealing the odd self portrait created in the asylum.
Martha, confused, searches Audrey's face for an answer. Audrey seems to have been hit with a wall of emotions, her eyes immediately filling with water, her trembling hand moving up to cover her mouth.
"Did you paint this?" Martha quietly asks, delicately trying to understand the importance of the piece.
Audrey shakes her head, wiping away the few tears that were shook free with the motion. Inhaling deeply, she squares her shoulders, taking back control of the situation. "No, Lex did in Belle Reve," she says, swallowing against the large lump in her throat.
Martha looks into the painting, her expression illustrating that the image seems to tap into her fears about Lex as well. "I'm not sure I understand," she begins, quickly answered by Audrey's hands flipping the paper over, revealing the handwritten text.
As Martha begins reading, her concern seems to deepen with every word her eyes pass over. It pains her to think that anyone could see Clark's powers as useful for anything but greatness. These written words depicting him as a force to be destroyed feels like a dagger through her heart. Yet, she can't help but continue to hold onto her belief that Lex is not the monster his father had raised him to be.
Just the same as how she had always wondered what might've happened to Clark had he been found by someone devious that day in the field, she often wondered what kind of man Lex would be had his mother never passed away. So many times she had longed to guide Lex as she did Clark. She often found herself feeling sorry for Lex, seeing him as a lonely boy who lived a life that seemed doomed. She understood that despite the riches, fame and power that were his birthright, he was lacking those elements which she knew were most valuable in a person. She wished she had the means to nurture him, teach him, and above all. love him. The sad truth that his mother's untimely death had denied him the wonderful benefits and special love only a mother can provide.
"Honey, he was very sick when he wrote this," Martha says, always able to see a silver lining in any cloud.
Audrey nods, unable to bring her eyes to meet Martha's. She knows down in her heart that Lex's feelings towards Clark's powers were not based on mental illness. He had been drugged, and tricked into believing he was insane, but the truth was that he wasn't so far gone to not understand his thoughts.
No, what he had written was truly how he felt. As an educated and sane man he penned those words, reasoning his own venomous wrath towards the justice Clark stood for as a greater justice towards mankind. She knows had his memories not been taken from him, he would have already begun his attacks against Clark, and anyone who tried to stop him.
The hardest part of this realization for Audrey is how she knew he would be able to justify his motivations. His clouded vision of himself when it came to matters of power is indeed one of the traits he inherited from his father that she despises the most.
"I still want you to take this. I want you to have it, for Clark," Audrey says.
Martha rolls up the painting, giving in to her friend's wish. She's unsure of what Audrey is feeling, but she knows that if what Audrey and Lex had was anything like what Martha and Jonathan share, than Audrey knows best. This thought terrifies Martha, not just for Clark, but for Audrey.
Martha senses that Audrey is exhausted. She summons up her best mommy smile, kisses her on the forehead and leaves.
X x X x X x
Audrey's bare feet strike softly against the cold floor, the large t-shirt she wears almost long enough to cover her knees as she holds her arms close to her chest against the chill blowing through the quiet farmhouse. Her lack of layers fail to hide the small bump in her abdomen, now protruding enough to cast a shadow in her silhouette as she quietly creeps down the stairs.
Reaching the bottom of the steps, the sound of Clark's heavy breaths as he readjusts himself into the couch cushions cause her to freeze, alarmed for a moment that he has heard her descent. Holding her breath, she leans to see if she has been caught, relieved to see he has never left his slumber.
Moving into the kitchen, she glides her fingers across the counter, her sad eyes looking into the picture of the happy family, making her feel lost, alone and forgotten in this life that is no longer her own.
Taking out the little pad of paper near the phone, Audrey swallows hard, disbelieving she is going to write this letter on stationary adorned with apples and geese. Actually, she cannot believe she is going to write this letter at all.
Sliding out a pen from the cup, she sits at the table, scared where exactly to begin, feeling she must say so much, but knowing her heart cannot find the words.
Her small hand begins composing the letter, her pretty script telling so much about the girl putting the words on the page, her care and devotion evident in all things, even the simple three letters that form his name.
Lex, she writes on the paper, hesitating with the thoughts that come to mind when she utters his name, Her tongue savoring the word that rolls so freely off of it, she cannot contain her tears, her mind picturing him holding this letter and never understanding why.
I'm sorry there are so many questions. I'm sorry I can't give you the answers. But most of all, Lex, I am sorry.
As her stroke completes the final y to her apology, Audrey's hand shakes uncontrollably as she clings to the pen, the though of what she is contemplating covering her hands with sweat. As her tears cause the ink to run, she lets the pen fall from her grasp, smacking hard against the table before it rolls to the floor.
She cannot bring herself to sign her name to the piece that offers nothing but the pain and confusion she feels inside.
Twisting the lid off the bottle, she fills her palm with the bright red pills, the dye almost immediately staining her hand crimson.
Looking into the glass of water, her words on the paper that lay just beyond appear blurry, or maybe it's just the tears in her eyes. Everything around her seems to be fading into each other, her mind clouded with thoughts, feelings, images and memories she cannot escape, and the pain of enduring them is too much to bear any longer.
Taking a sip of the water, the well taste wrinkles her nose,making her shiver at the thought of choking down that which she has clasped in her hand.
Closing her fingers over the handful of pills, she closes her eyes, trying once again to swallow against the dryness in her throat, trying to will herself to do, what at this moment feels like her only choice.
Sitting in the pool of moonlight that streams through the window pane, she pauses, a small tear trickling down her cheek as she glides her free hand over her stomach, the tiny little flutter moving within her choosing this moment to gently remind her that she is not completely alone, despite the isolation she feels.
Spilling the contents of her hand into the sink, flushing them quickly down the drain with water, she clings to her stomach, her love for Lex, her love for their child willing her to continue on with her journey, vowing to fight for them as long as there is breath left in her body.