Disclaimer and Note: I don't own Yami no Matsuei. This fic takes place immediately after the incidents on the Queen Camellia. I've always wondered what happened to Tsuzuki and Hisoka after they came home, and this is what my imagination led me to write.
A Simple Thing
By Amberle-chan
Tsuzuki held onto Hisoka tightly until his sobbing quieted, but Hisoka pulled away from the older man's embrace as soon as his tears stopped. Tsuzuki reluctantly let him go. Hisoka remained quiet the rest of the way home.
Hisoka still did not speak as they got off the helicopter, his hands still clenched into fists so he could hide the blood on them. Tsuzuki's eyes followed him as Hisoka walked away into the hanger. Tatsumi stood by and waited silently with him for Hisoka to return. The young shinigami reappeared minutes later, his face scrubbed of any traces of his earlier tears and his hands clean. No words were spoken as they all teleported back to Meifu.
Once they were standing under the eternally blossoming sakura trees, Tsuzuki spoke to Tatsumi. "I'm going to take Hisoka home."
Tatsumi nodded. "Of course," he said. He turned solemn eyes to Hisoka. "If you wish to take a few days off, Kurosaki-kun, I will understand."
Hisoka nodded his head once and walked away. Tsuzuki shared a troubled glance with Tatsumi before he caught up with his partner.
They were both quiet as they walked toward Hisoka's small house. Tsuzuki kept gazing at his partner with a great deal of anxiety as they walked along, but Hisoka failed to notice as he kept his eyes bent down toward the petal-strewn path at their feet.
When they finally reached Hisoka's house, Tsuzuki spoke. "Perhaps I should stay with you tonight, Hisoka," he suggested in a gentle voice.
Hisoka shook his head, his head still bowed as he opened his door.
"Are you sure?" Tsuzuki asked, his voice still quiet. "It's probably not a good idea for you to be alone right now."
Hisoka shook his head again as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him.
Tsuzuki stared at the closed door in anguish for several moments. He placed one hand on it and laid his forehead against it, knowing the boy was standing just on the other side. "Hisoka? Please let me help."
There was no answer.
xxvxx
Tsuzuki was startled when he walked into the office the next morning and found Hisoka sitting at his desk, obviously concentrating on his work.
"What are you doing here, Hisoka?" he asked, his violet eyes puzzled. "I thought Tatsumi said you could take a few days off!"
The boy did not answer him; he just shook his head and continued working. He did not even look up. Tsuzuki walked over to him and placed one hand on his partner's shoulder. Hisoka still did not acknowledge him. "Hisoka, are you okay? You know you can talk to me, right?"
Hisoka wrenched himself away from Tsuzuki's hand as he stood up.
"Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked, completely bewildered by his partner's behavior. "What's the matter? Are you angry at me?"
Hisoka glanced once in his partner's direction and shook his head again. He then strode toward the office doorway and walked out. Tsuzuki followed him into the hallway. Hisoka was already halfway down the corridor. "Hisoka," Tsuzuki called after his young partner's retreating form, "please tell me what's wrong!" Hisoka never even looked back.
Watari peeked out from behind his laboratory door. "Tsuzuki?" he asked. "Something wrong?"
Tsuzuki shook his head. "I don't know, Watari," he replied mournfully as he continued to watch Hisoka walk away.
xxvxx
As his slim index finger pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, Tatsumi nodded briefly at Hisoka as the young shinigami passed him and Tsuzuki in the hallway of the Judgment Bureau. The boy did not acknowledge either of them, but kept on walking, his eyes bent toward the floor.
"Tsuzuki?" Tatsumi asked quietly. The other shinigami did not answer him as he gazed after his young partner over his shoulder, his expression worried. Tatsumi spoke again, his voice becoming louder as his tried to regain his ex-partner's attention. "Tsuzuki?"
"He still hasn't spoken," Tsuzuki answered distractedly before he turned back to Tatsumi. He rubbed his forehead with his fingers, his eyes dull with sadness and anxiety. "It's been three days, Tatsumi. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. He's completely shut himself down."
Tatsumi's blue eyes regarded his friend with some concern. "He probably just needs some time, Tsuzuki," he replied. "What he did will probably weigh heavily for quite some time to come."
"I know, I know," Tsuzuki sighed, as he shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his trench coat, "but how can I help him if he won't even talk to me?" He looked up at Tatsumi. "Maybe you could give it a try? If he won't talk to me, maybe he'll talk to you."
"I'm not sure I would be the best person to…" Tatsumi began to say.
"Let me give it a try," Watari suggested as he suddenly appeared by their sides. He shrugged his shoulders; 003 hooted in protest as she took off, flew once around their heads and landed back on Watari's shoulder again. "Enma knows that I can get a conversation out of anyone. Besides, I don't like seeing the kid like this, either. It's not good to keep everything locked up inside."
"Are you sure, Watari?" Tsuzuki asked. "At this point, I don't really care who Hisoka talks to, just as long as tells someone what's bothering him." His eyes showed his distress. "I'm half afraid he won't ever talk to anyone ever again."
Watari winked at him. "Don't worry, Tsuzuki," he assured the other shinigami. "I'll just turn on the old Watari charm, and the kid will be talking in no time!"
xxvxx
At lunchtime, Watari found Hisoka sitting under one of the many sakura trees. The young shinigami was leaning back against the tree, his knees up and his arms wrapped around his legs; his eyes were closed. The blonde-haired scientist lightly touched his leg as he settled down in the grass opposite the teenager. Hisoka opened his eyes. Watari smiled and handed him a sandwich.
They both ate together quietly for a few minutes before Watari spoke up.
"Tsuzuki is very upset that you won't talk to him," he said, brushing away sandwich crumbs from his hands. "When Tsuzuki gets upset, then Tatsumi gets upset. I don't know about you, but having an upset Tatsumi around the office is not a good idea." He faked a shudder and smiled at Hisoka. "Come on, Hisoka, if you don't want to talk to Tsuzuki, you can at least talk to me."
003 fluttered from Watari's shoulder and landed softly on Hisoka's upturned knees. She hooted at him once, as if encouraging him to give in to Watari's suggestion. Hisoka reached out with his index finger and fluffed the small bird's feathers. She hooted at him again and closed her eyes in owlish contentment.
"Are you still upset about Tsubaki?"
Hisoka remained mute, but shook his head. His finger kept moving slowly over 003 feathers.
"Is it something Tsuzuki's done?" Hisoka shook his head. "Something that Tsuzuki hasn't done?" His head shook again. "Is it something that someone else has done?" Hisoka's head moved from side to side once more.
Watari sighed. "I give up, Hisoka," he said quietly. "I want to help you, but the only way I can is if you tell me what's wrong." He reached out and laid on hand on the young shinigami's knee. "Please, Hisoka, let me help you. If not me or Tsuzuki or Tatsumi, let someone else, then."
Hisoka cupped 003 in his palm, stood up, and handed the owl back to Watari. He then turned and walked away without another word.
xxvxx
Watari wasn't a bit surprised to find Tsuzuki lingering outside the laboratory doorway, anxiously pacing back and forth in front of it. He looked up hopefully at Watari's approach. "Well?" he asked.
Watari shook his head. "I'm sorry, Tsuzuki," he answered, his voice laced with regret. "He just wouldn't talk to me. I asked him some questions, even one about Tsubaki, but he just wouldn't speak."
Tsuzuki's shoulders slumped. "Thanks for trying anyway, Watari," he said. He walked toward his office door and entered the small room, closing the door behind him.
Tatsumi appeared at Watari's shoulder. "I take it that your attempt to get Kurosaki-kun to talk was unsuccessful?" he asked.
"Unfortunately, yes," Watari replied.
Tatsumi adjusted his glasses with his index finger. "I've had enough of this," he stated, his voice cold. "Now we do this my way." He strode down the corridor toward Tsuzuki's office, and without even knocking, walked inside.
Watari shivered.
xxvxx
When Hisoka returned to the office he shared with Tsuzuki later than afternoon, only his eyes showed that he was surprised to find Tsuzuki gone and Tatsumi leaning against his desk.
"I sent Tsuzuki home," he informed Hisoka. "He's been very upset the last few days because of your behavior and hasn't been unable to concentrate." His eyes glinted icily at Hisoka when the young shinigami did not reply. "I am also ordering you to stay home until you work out whatever problems you have with Tsuzuki. I can't have partners who won't communicate with each other, Kurosaki. Either you fix this situation within 48 hours, or I will assign you to another partner."
Without another word, Tatsumi strode past Hisoka and left the office.
xxvxx
Hisoka went for a long walk that night. He eventually found himself in the Hall of Candles. Most of the candles were still burning brightly, but there were also very many for which the flames were sputtering and dying and many of which where the light had gone out. He stared intently at all of the darkened, burnt out wicks, but inexplicably found himself drawn to a single blown out candle that stood on one side of the hall. He stood before it for several minutes, just staring at it. He knew it had been Tsubaki's.
"Do you know what grief is, Kurosaki-kun?" a quiet voice asked from behind him.
Hisoka turned his head to look over his shoulder. The Count was standing a few feet away, his half mask glowing softly with the light of all the shining candles that filled the Hall. Hisoka nodded.
The Count's mask floated closer. "Are you sure?" he asked, his head gesturing toward the dead candle that Hisoka had been staring at. "People often think that we are crying for the one who has died, who has passed from life. But that is not grief. The truth of grieving is that we are not mourning those who have passed on, but we are mourning for ourselves, for our own broken hearts. It is a terrible pain knowing that there is one less person in life for us to love and who will love us in return. Are you grieving for yourself because of this person, Kurosaki-kun?"
Hisoka shook his head and spoke for the first time in three days. "No, not anymore," he replied in a quiet voice. "I killed her, yes, but now I know that she wanted to die. Even if I hadn't pulled the trigger she would have found some other way to do it."
"That is true," the Count answered, "and it is also true that she was one of our lost ones. Her candle should have gone out long before you and Tsuzuki-san ever stepped aboard the Queen Camellia." He moved away to stand by another candle, studying its brightness. "You did what only needed to be done. You are here to say goodbye to Tsubaki, and you say that you are no longer grieving for her loss. That is well and good. That is not what is bothering you, however."
Hisoka did not acknowledge the Count's assertions as he watched the Count's mask float further down the Hall to stand before another very tall candle that was burning brightly. A second later the flame flicked out.
The Count passed one gloved hand over the blackened wick. "Then let us turn our conversation back to grief," he said, and then his masked face turned to contemplate Hisoka. His voice was quiet and gentle when he spoke again. "Tsuzuki Asato cries each time he brings someone across, but he isn't grieving for them," he said. "He knows what awaits them. He weeps for those who have been left behind; he cries for the whole world because it is more empty."
Hisoka did not speak as the Count came back to stand beside him again as they both looked at Tsubaki's candle. "You don't understand him, do you?" the Count asked. Hisoka shook his head, his face bowed to the floor. "You don't understand how one man can feel so much hurt and pain and not want to hide and run away from it all. You don't understand how he still gives so much to others."
Hisoka nodded and then lifted one finger to trail down the cold wax of the candle. "Tsubaki said he loved me."
"That is what is bothering you," the Count stated. "You know that he loves you."
Hisoka wrapped his arms around himself. "He held me when I was crying over what I did to Tsubaki. I could feel it then." He suddenly shivered. "It scares me," he admitted in a small, weak voice.
"Why?"
"I don't know," Hisoka whispered. "It just does."
"Your answer is not surprising," the Count said. Hisoka looked up at him, his expression puzzled. "You are young yet, Kurosaki-kun. You haven't yet learned enough to understand the answers to certain questions."
"And now I'm dead at sixteen, so I'll never learn anything," Hisoka replied bitterly, his face turned into a scowl.
The Count raised one gloved hand, a single finger waving negatively in the air. "No, Kurosaki-kun, you misunderstand me. You are young yet in your experiences," he said. The finger turned down to point at him. "You may be sixteen for the rest of eternity, but you will still learn. Aging doesn't mean that people have learned anything. It is experience that teaches us, not what age we are."
The Count walked away from him toward the entrance way to the Hall. "Perhaps you need to think about what your life experiences have taught you, Kurosaki-kun. Perhaps there you will find the answer to my question." He floated out of the Hall.
xxvxx
Tsuzuki arrived early the next morning at Hisoka's house. Tatsumi's threat to separate him from Hisoka had scared him a great deal, so he was determined to demand that Hisoka start talking immediately. Tsuzuki wasn't sure how he was going to his young partner to finally speak after nearly four days of silence, but he was willing to try anything at this point, even annoying Hisoka to the point of complete exasperation if necessary.
When there was no answer to his persistent knocking, Tsuzuki growled under his breath and teleported inside.
Hisoka's room was completely empty.
"Damn that kid," he muttered to himself. "I'm not going to let him get away from me."
He teleported to Chijou.
He went directly to their assigned district of Nagasaki, where he checked the park where he had first met Hisoka. When he didn't find his partner there, he decided to check other parks and beaches.
It was nearing sunset when Tsuzuki eventually found Hisoka at an isolated beach just outside of Nagasaki. The young shinigami was walking along the sand, close to the water; his jeans were rolled up and his sneakers were dangling from one hand.
Tsuzuki watched his partner from a distance for several long minutes until Hisoka folded himself down into the sand. After waiting a little while longer, Tsuzuki walked over and flopped down beside him, stretching out his long legs before him, as he leaned back on his elbows. Hisoka didn't acknowledge his presence as he continued to gaze over the endless expanse of the sea.
Tsuzuki wasn't sure how long they sat their silently together before he decided to speak up. "You're the best partner I've ever had, Hisoka," the older shinigami told the young shinigami gently. "I don't want Tatsumi to separate us."
Hisoka did not reply. He brought his knees close in to his body, buried his face in them and wrapped his arms around his calves.
Tsuzuki's violet eyes burned with sadness as he reached out one hand toward his partner and then pulled it back. His hand dropped into the sand, his fingers clenched into a fist, the only sign of his frustration at Hisoka's continued silence. "I just want to help you, Hisoka," he murmured. "When you're ready to talk, I'll be here for you. I'll always be here."
He stood up and brushed away the sand that clung to his pants and began to walk away.
"Tsuzuki?"
The older shinigami was quite shocked when he heard that quiet, slightly raspy voice calling him across the sand. Hisoka's voice had nearly been lost in the ocean breeze that ruffled their hair and clothing. He turned back toward his partner. Hisoka was still curled up into a ball, but he had lifted his head from his knees, his eyes once again contemplating the waves. "I'm still here, Hisoka," Tsuzuki replied, his voice gentle.
"Will you…will you hold me again?"
Tsuzuki took the few steps back toward his young partner. He knelt again in the sand beside him and then enfolded Hisoka in his arms. Hisoka turned and buried his face against Tsuzuki's chest, wrapping his arms around Tsuzuki's waist. Tsuzuki's embrace tightened further.
They sat there together quietly for a long time. Tsuzuki fingers eventually reached up and began to brush through Hisoka's hair. Hisoka settled more comfortably into his partner's arms, as he leaned back against Tsuzuki's chest, his emerald eyes once more looking out over the ocean.
"I'm sorry, Tsuzuki."
Tsuzuki's violet eyes were startled as he stared down at his partner.
"Hisoka?"
"I'm sorry," Hisoka repeated. "I'm sorry for being afraid."
"Afraid? Afraid of crying again?" Tsuzuki answered. "You know, that's nothing to be afraid of, Hisoka. It's okay to cry if you want."
Hisoka shook his head and stared up at his partner's face. "No, I'm not afraid of that," he said. His head dropped down. "I've been afraid of something else…"
"What then?" Tsuzuki prodded gently, his arms tightening slightly.
"This…" Hisoka murmured after a moment of silence, his head still bowed.
Tsuzuki slipped one finger under his chin and lifted it up. "Hisoka?" he asked, his amethyst eyes searching Hisoka's emerald irises.
"I was afraid of this," he finally admitted. "I was afraid to ask you to hold me again."
Tsuzuki did not reply; he waited patiently for his partner to continue.
Hisoka buried his face against Tsuzuki's chest. "Tsubaki said…she told me that you loved me, and when you hold me like this, I can feel that you do, and I don't know what to do! It terrifies me…"
Tsuzuki's arms abruptly dropped from around him as he pulled away. "I don't want you to be afraid of me, Hisoka," he said. "I don't want to ever hurt you…"
"No!" Hisoka cried as he felt Tsuzuki's movement. His hands latched onto Tsuzuki's coat, preventing the older shinigami from pulling away further. "Please don't go!" He stared hard up into Tsuzuki's face. "It's not you, Tsuzuki! It's me! No one has ever loved me! No one…," his voice faltered as he looked away. "I don't know what to do…I don't know what it's liked to be loved, and that's what scares me!"
Tsuzuki gently brushed a few strands of hair from Hisoka's face. "This is why you haven't spoken in the last few days? Why you've stayed so far away? You've been scared?" Hisoka nodded. Tsuzuki enveloped his young partner in his arms again. "It's okay to be scared, you know. Love is scary. It's an unknown, and it's taking a risk, the biggest risk of all some would say. You should be scared." He paused momentarily. "I'm a bit scared myself, actually."
"Tsuzuki?" Hisoka asked, puzzled.
Tsuzuki cupped Hisoka's cheek in his palm, lifting his face upward as he stared straight down into his emerald eyes. "Tsubaki was right," he whispered quietly. "I do love you, Hisoka." His hand fell away. "What scares me is that you might not love me back."
Hisoka shook his head. "I don't know what love feels like, Tsuzuki," he answered. "I mean, I can feel that you love me, but…but coming from inside me, I don't know what it feels like…"
"What do you feel about me, Hisoka?"
Hisoka became pensive for several moments, his eyes turned toward the ocean, as he contemplated Tsuzuki's question. His voice was soft and hesitant when he finally answered. "I like the way you make me feel…inside. You make me feel good that I'm me. No one has ever done that…not ever." His voice became even softer; Tsuzuki had to bend his head closer to hear him. "And, and I…I…want to always be with you." He suddenly turned and gazed up into Tsuzuki's face. "I don't want you to ever leave me." He pressed his face against Tsuzuki's shoulder and then chuckled once, very softly, as he wrapped his arms around the older shinigami. "I'm discovering that being held by you isn't so scary after all. I think I like it—a lot."
Tsuzuki smiled and tenderly kissed Hisoka's temple. "I like holding you a lot," he said. Hisoka pulled back to look up at him again. "It sounds like you might just love me back, but it's not right for me to tell you that you do. That's something you have find out for yourself, Hisoka."
Hisoka's expression became thoughtful for a moment, his eyes abruptly turning away. "But…but what if I…find out that I don't love you?" he asked, nearly stammering. His head fell forward. "I…wouldn't want to hurt you, Tsuzuki."
"I know," Tsuzuki whispered huskily. His fingers reached out to caress Hisoka's cheek, bringing his emerald eyes to rest on his own face again. "That's why I'm afraid, too, Hisoka. I'm afraid for both of us, but I'm willing to take the risk." He paused. "Until you find out for yourself, will it be okay…can you…can you just let me love you, Hisoka?"
Hisoka's fingers lifted hesitantly upward to touch Tsuzuki's face as he nodded.
The End
Author's Note: Some readers may be wondering why Hisoka refused to talk to any of his friends at the Shokan Division, but was willing to talk to the Earl. This is just some basic psychology, dear readers—sometimes a person is more willing to talk to a stranger than a friend. At this point in the Yami universe, Hisoka has had little contact with the Earl. Some readers may also consider my portrayal of the Earl as OOC. Please note that's the way I wanted him to be. I sometimes think that Hisoka, being so young, and not ever really having a father to talk to, needs a father figure in his life. Tsuzuki certainly doesn't fit the description. Neither do Tatsumi and Watari, because they are more like older, wiser brothers. Thus, I chose the Earl for this role.
I hope you enjoyed this fic. Please review!