As had become the custom, the entire house was stirring hours before Audrey stretched her way out of her slumber into the new day.
Brushing her hair out of her face she can smell the slight residue that the pills had left in her palm, and the mere memory of those agonizing hours spent before dawn make it hard to face her own reflection in the mirror.
Spinning to face the window, Audrey looks out, able to find inspiration each morning in the low sun draping the massive land in its orange veil.
Typically she's treated to the sight of Clark doing his chores at an incredible rate, blurring through the work of the twelve farm hands Jonathan never needs to hire.
However, this morning she finds him propped up on a bale of hay in front of the barn, a small calf nestled in his arms. Clark holds a bottle of milk which the small cow nuzzles from, as Jonathan looms behind him, repositioning the bottle either as the proud teacher or worrisome farmer.
She can tell this is a chore Jonathan likes to take care of himself, but this morning he's allowing his son to take one more step towards the responsibilities he believes will make his son a man.
Seeing Clark tenderly cradle the orphaned calf, his every move so gentle and kind, she can't help but let a tear slip from her eyes. Overriding her regret for the thought that she let take over her mind in that weak instant lays the beaming pride of just being allowed in the presence of one as special as Clark.
However, the smile the sight of someone as caring and dutiful as Clark brings to her face can't erode the knot in her stomach or cure her of the dizziness in her head. Her world still feels as though it is crashing, and her heart seems too sad to continue to beat alone.
Yet, within her resides resolve, an unquenchable spirit that pulls her out of the room, and out to face yet another day without him.
X x X x X
As much as Audrey hoped that relieving herself of the paper she had been burdened with for months would free her from its oppression, she knows in the back of her mind she will never be free from it.
Even now, well into a new day, she sits alone in the loft of the barn trying desperately to escape into a world without worry, a world that only seems to only exist in her canvas.
Still finding it difficult to escape the pangs of regret for the emotions she can't help but feel, she sits bathed in the warm sunlight that streams through the hay door window, wondering just how she can continue to live a life without Lex.
Placing her hand down on her stomach, her mind begins to drift to the only piece of him she has left; the innocent child within her which is all she has left to live for.
Letting her soft lashes rest against her cheeks, she tries to drift back to that day in the past when everything seemed perfect. Oh to just spend one more day, one more hour, one more minute in his warm embrace. What she wouldn't give to hear him whisper in her ear 'I love you,' one more time.
Clinging to the only dream between she and Lex she has not been awakened from, her fingers cradle her fabric covered flesh, longing to feel his hand glide over her own, needing him to know the miracle they created between them.
Yet despite the hopes in her heart, her mind's reasoning tells her she must flee from her dream to return to the past, causing her reality to seem more vivid than she wants to accept.
Instantly, as though summoned by the cries of her broken heart, she hears the soft clicking of heels against the wooden planks to the loft, her heart knowing it's him before her eyes see it's true.
Instinctively she drops her hand from her stomach, turning as though in slow motion to see him coming up behind her.
Within feet of her he stands; impeccably dressed; hands deep in his pockets; his lips revealing a hint of a smile. Feeling as though her skin is the only thing holding her together, she fights against the urge to jump up to embrace him.
"Lex?" she says, having to feel his name pass as a whisper between her quivering lips to believe he's there.
His eyes rush to hers, ready to obtain all the answers he knows she hides, the fiber of his being needing to unriddle the enigma that surrounds her and the long shadow it casts upon him.
Standing in the presence of the one she longs for shivers her; fearful of what may come if she is to follow once again where her emotions lead.
Despite how she so desperately needs to be held in his embrace and never have to feel the bitter chill of loneliness again, she hides behind the wall of safety the fear within her has created; scared of hoping for lighting to strike twice.
Immediately sensing her guard, he moves past her, stepping towards the canvas with only a few lonely stokes gracing it.
"A work in progress?" he asks slyly, passing her a glimmering eye with a side glance.
"Aren't we all?" she responds quietly.
Choosing his moment carefully, he begins again, possessing a much softer, sincere tone. "I'd like to start over with you."
Surprised and confused she gets up, feeling uneasy under his gaze.
"I didn't intend to make you feel uncomfortable," he says, respecting her need to keep distance between them. "The other day at my house I think we got off on the wrong foot, I'm sorry about that."
His eyes plead with her to allow him to stay, longing to explore these feelings within him that have left him searching for answers. All of the questions seem to point to her, and he has to know why.
She feels between them the same electricity she felt that night they first met. She can see the same vulnerability in his eyes. If only he had come in acting like he did in the mansion, devouring her with his eyes, wanting nothing more than to toy with her. She could stand up to that. She could resist him, and be glad she had done it. But now, with that look in his eyes, and that electricity in the air she feels powerless under the intoxicating spell that his love puts her under. It's evident even the shock therapy couldn't erase what they had between them. Even if Lex doesn't know what it was, he feels it deep within him, and no matter of logic will allow him to reason it away.
She shuffles her feet closer to him, his chest looming before her. She lays her hands on it to feel his lungs move, to see if he's as excited to see her as she is him.
To her surprise, Lex doesn't retreat or rebuke her. Instead, he lays one hand upon hers. Instantly she can sense this is familiar to him and therefore welcome. His touch doesn't come as a wanton lover hungry for her flesh, but as an intimate lover, desperate for the warmth of her heart.
It's everything she hoped to feel, and she's startled at how much it terrifies her.
"You want to go for a walk or something?" she pushes back, her eyes instantly showing she's surprised by her own outburst.
She's not sure if she said it because she felt it necessary to keep Clark and Lex apart, or if it was more a personal reason: to test herself around him some more, to see if this dread she's feeling will subside, or rule her heart forever.
X x X x X
Audrey and Lex walk through the pasture of the Kent farm, the gentle breeze blowing her long dress and hair about. It tickles her to see Lex in these surroundings; his fine clothes and demeanor a stark contrast to the rural landscape, and casual girl he's paired with. She can't help but smile at his attempts to let his guard down. Removing his long coat and rolling up his sleeves, but still obviously uncomfortable with the nature walk idea.
"Is this okay?" Audrey asks Lex, seeing him dodging cow pies with expensive italian loafers.
"It's fine," he says, doing the best job he can at acting comfortable despite his predicament.
Behind her smiling eyes resides the pain of standing by his side, unable to say a million times how much she loves him.
Even this, the silly way he walks through a pasture makes it almost impossible for her to continue her ruse. Continually she has to fight against every nerve within her that cries out to hold him and be held by him, every breath proving exceedingly more difficult to draw with every second that passes.
"Have you ever noticed how differently the air smells in the county?" she asks, closing her eyes against the sun, allowing the breeze to embrace her.
She turns towards him, blinking her opened eyes against the bright sun. "There's a thickness to the air in Metropolis. Like it could almost choke you if you were to inhale it for too long," she says pausing. "I never want to be smothered by a world I don't belong in."
Lex hangs on her words, struck by how much this mysterious girl reminds him of someone. For most of his life he had been raised to only see land as something to purchase and develop, never really caring enough to take the time to notice the smell of the air. Something about her observations intrigues and comforts him.
"My mother loved the outdoors," he begins, a far off look in his eyes. "I would sit in her rose garden with her for hours. I remember her white roses climbing up the wrought iron trellis," he says, a sense of longing in his eyes, a familiar sincerity in his voice. "She told me I could climb them up to heaven to be with her when she was gone."
Revealing that beautiful fragile side of him so often seen, his eyes fall to the ground, a painful realization slipping free from his lips. "When she passed away she took with her my ability to see the world outside the window as anything but a painful reminder of her."
"I never knew Lillian liked white roses," Audrey whispers, regretting her words as soon as they escape her lips.
Lex's head whips around, his stunned expression causing Audrey to fear what words he might speak next.
"How did you know my mother's name?" he asks, ready to have this and the many other questions surrounding Audrey answered.
As her heart pounds, her mind races over all the scenarios this conversation could lead to. Paralyzed by her own fear, she can do nothing but stand in front of him.
Despite how obvious her slip seemed to be, Lex seems to quickly understand that his family is not like others, the Luthor family tree practically being a subject taught in school.
"I guess my lineage is common knowledge," he says, almost embarrassed that he momentarily forgot his family's status in society.
She blushes, happy that it appears she dodged a bullet.
Leaning down, she slides off her shoes, allowing herself the pleasure of feeling the soft grass beneath her. If only she could fully surrender to the freedom the beauty all around her is willing to provide. If only her mind would relinquish it's hold over her heart, enabling her to forget all that had happened, and allow her to just be happy to be alone with him for as much time as they could steal.
As her bare feet dig in the soft earth, her tiny toes nestle into the cold soil, seeming to one to plant herself in this moment.
Stricken with the realization that there may never be another tomorrow for them; she lets herself go. She leans her head back, allowing her arms to follow her around as she pirouettes like a delicate flower caught in the breeze. Her tiny sandals dangle from her hand, bouncing against the wind.
Lex is entranced. Not just by her graceful elegance and delicate beauty, but by the sheer familiarity of the scene playing out in front of him. Trained to be chivalric he instinctively takes her shoes from her, lightening her load to enable her to continue. The seemingly simple gesture ignites a flash within his mind leaving him reeling with the effects of yet another case of deja vu.
Audrey sees his expression change, her eyes following him as he takes a step backwards, shaking his head oddly. "Are you okay, Lex?" she asks, alarmed by his behavior.
"Have we done this all before? Is all of this familiar to you?" he asks, bewildered, feeling as though he has slipped back in time.
"You and I, we had something, didn't we? We were involved?" he has to ask, taking the steps down the path he knows he's traveled before.
"I keep having questions arise whenever I'm around you. Questions that stem from being in your presence," he says, pleading with his eyes for her to trust him with the answers.
Before she can even speak the words the answer is evident on her face, her crimson cheeks revealing to him that she is indeed the reason he has been having memories he cannot explain. Even if she was ready to confide in him the events of their past she knows her lungs will not be able to produce the air to speak the words.
"You don't need to answer that. I know why you're scared to tell me anything. My father can be intimidating, and he's gone out of his way to keep us apart. But, as powerful as he is, I will be twice as so. If we did have something, anything, you'll be safe with me. He can't touch you if you're with me," he confidently says.
"We did. . ." she says stopping short, unsure if the truth will ease her pain or deepen it.
"We did -- what?" he says, drawing in close, hanging on her words.
He expects her to draw away, but she doesn't, preferring to bask in the warmth of his presence.
"You can tell me. I can feel we had something and if it was half of what I feel I want that back. I won't let my father take everything from me," he says, taking her hand into his.
Audrey's heart pounds, the rush dizzying her. She wants to believe him, she wants to trust him. But, Lionel stole him away from her once, and he can do it again. The fear of what Lionel might do to Lex should his indiscretions come to the surface is what scares her the most.
At least now Lex is alive. As confident as she knows Lex is that he will become more powerful than his father, she knows he isn't yet. For him to achieve that status would mean he'd be worse than his father, and there would be nothing left of what she loves about him.
Worst of all, if he does defeat his father, if he does become twice the man Lionel is: then what will that mean for Clark? The ink staining the back of his painting mapped out what he would become if he gets his way.
To save Lex, to save Clark, she has to sacrifice her own heart.
"We did, Lex. But, you know yourself. Did you really think that it was anything more than it always is?" she swallows her feelings, pushing the words out from the back of her throat.
He begins to respond, a thousand reasons bounce through his head of why he knows she was different, but she stops him.
"There were others," she lies, "I was one of many girls that have floated through your life, and will float right back out. I don't know why you have these memories, why you feel the way you do, but it was nothing to you. I was nothing to you."
Her own words cut into her, tearing her heart in two. He had told her so many times that she was the one, proved it in so many ways, yet she had no choice but to stand in front of him and deny that every moment they shared was special.
"But my father..."
"Is a paranoid man. You think he hasn't done the same thing to other women in your life? Perhaps he did what he did because of the way you're feeling. He cut off the possibility of you having anything that will keep you from the destiny he wants for you."
"My destiny is what I make of it."
"I hope so," she quivers, clinging to the only thing she has; her faith in him. But for now, to protect everyone, including Lex, she has to betray herself.
"But, I was never part of that destiny," she says.
She can see he's defeated, unable to know what to believe or say.
She takes his hands, allowing him to hold onto the moment, but if she were being truthful she's allowing herself one last touch.
As though two magnets, no longer able to fight the urge to be joined, their lips meet, giving way to the rush of emotions raging within them both.
His hands glide down her form, needing to bring her close to him, and in this instant she is powerless to him, feeling as though she is being kept alive by the air he gives to her.
Indulging in the dizzying kiss, she barely feels his hands venturing further down her until he brushes softly against her stomach. Startled, she pulls away, instinctively protecting that which he cannot know.
Her quick move allows the bright sun to hit the gold of her necklace, the dancing light catching his eyes. He slowly moves his hand towards her neck, delicately gliding his fingers across her skin, hooking the necklace under one of them. Breathless from the intimate gesture, and longing to lose herself once more in his touch, she closes her eyes, not seeing him gently pulling the chain free from her bodice where she had hidden it out of view.
A small charm dangles beneath the necklace that is looped around her thin neck and his forefinger. As it spins in the light it sends tiny prisms bouncing off her pale cheeks. His eyes widen with the realization of what this piece represents.
She opens her eyes, seeing in his a flash of light. Suddenly conscious of that which he holds in his hand, she takes it from him and tucks it back away out of sight.
"You may not have been an important piece of my past, but perhaps you could be part of my future," he says with glimmering eyes.
Knowing she has to be strong, she fights the part of her that longs to hold him, knowing unfortunately any possibility of forever with him is gone.
Sliding her hands loose from his grip, she feels as though she is trying to kill herself again, and it takes all her strength to slip her finger under her sandal straps that are still in his grasp.
In her he sees a willed strength, feeling for some reason she is refusing to let him in. He smiles, handing her sandals to her, holding his gaze before turning and pulling his thin frame off towards the west.
Audrey's chest aches. Her body exploding with nerves, her knees practically giving way under the burden of her body. She sits down, knowing that if she remains standing Lex might turn and see her stumble, and then her ruse would fail. She sits down among the grass and watches Lex shrink into the distance. If he looks back, if he turns to look at her, then she's failed.
Thankfully, as he disappears over the horizon, he never takes his gaze off of the path ahead of him.
She lies back in the grass, the stress of the day consuming her. Despite the bright sun warming her face, the darkness of a future without the man she loves finally sets in.
Like a damn that has broken, her eyes release a flood of tears, raining down into the soil beneath her where she is crumpled like a child.