Chapter 13 - Home

Daniel went through a long period of recovery, many days where all he could do was lay in his bed in the infirmary and stare at the wall. Dr. Lam kept him on anti-depressants and she brought in Dr. Jennings, a Psychiatrist with security clearance to draw him out, but nothing seemed to work. Daniel had already talked with Jennings before on occasion so he was familiar with him, but he wasn't ready to open up.

She expected the muscle and bone pain. The nightmares were normal, under the circumstances. Eventually, the physical symptoms of withdrawal would end. But his emotional well-being worried her.

One morning, Jack stepped into her office and asked how Daniel was doing.

"I'm concerned, sir. Physically, he's fine. His serotonin levels are almost normal and all his vital signs are good. But, he rarely sleeps and he's very quiet. He's not snapping out of it." The concerned look on her face told O'Neill everything he needed to know.

"Would you like me to try talking to him?"

"You can try. He won't talk to me... ," Carolyn said with a sad smile.

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Jack stood in the infirmary doorway, looking at the bed that held his best friend. 'How much could this guy take?' he wondered. 'He's the living soul of the SGC and he keeps getting hit with crap! Well, I hate to do this but it's time to shake him up a bit.'

Daniel looked like he was sleeping but Jack knew better. He'd seen him unconscious enough times to know the difference and Daniel was definitely playing possum.

"Hey, Daniel. You don't have to act. I know you're awake."

Daniel opened his eyes and looked at Jack and then turned over and faced the wall. "Go away, Jack."

"Nope. Not gonna happen. Dr. Lam says you aren't cooperating. Come on, Danny, talk to me." Jack took a step closer to the bed that his friend was in and gently placed a hand on his arm.

Daniel flinched. "There's nothing to talk about."

Jack removed his hand but was surprised. Daniel had never flinched when he'd touched him before. It just wasn't like him.

"You got murdered, how many times? And you don't think there's something to talk about? Give me a break!" Jack waited but there was no response.

Daniel just continued to stare at the wall while Jack stood next to the bed watching him. He thought, 'Why won't he go away? I'm not ready to talk about this.'

The silence wore on and finally Jack said, "Okay, Danny. Here's how it's gonna go down. If you don't talk to someone, you'll be off SG-1. I need you on my team and I don't want to replace you. Hell, I don't know if I can find anyone qualified to replace you. But, if you don't get past this, I'll be forced to. The 'powers that be' will demand it. And, here's something else to think about… if you don't conquer this, Kinsey wins. He'll have control of you from the grave. Is that what you want?"

Daniel hadn't thought about the fact that Kinsey would get great satisfaction if he knew he'd finally stopped him, that he'd finally torn apart SG-1, which is what he'd tried to do right from the beginning.

"It's your choice, Daniel. Are you gonna let him get away with that?"

Daniel looked at Jack for a long minute. He blue eyes stared into Jack's with an intensity that almost scared Jack. Finally, he sat up and said, "I want my journal. The one in my office in the desk drawer. I need to write this stuff down before I tell anyone about it"

"Okay. I'll get it. Anything else?" Jack was pleased to see a fire in Danny's eyes that hadn't been there in a long time.

"Can I have my life back?" Daniel looked down at his hands, teary eyed.

Jack walked over to him, placed his hand on Daniel's shoulder and said, "You'll get it back, Daniel. It won't be easy, but you don't have to do it alone. Okay?"

Daniel continued to look down but he wiped his eyes with his arm and nodded.

"Good. I'll be right back." Jack walked to the door, looked back at Daniel for a long moment and then left.

Daniel curled up on his side and watched him go, knowing Jack was right. He had to start dealing with this. But, he would do it on his own terms. The journal would help. He liked Dr. Jennings and was willing to let him help, if that's what it took. He sure as hell wasn't going to give Mackenzie the satisfaction of admitting him. Again! He wouldn't go without a fight! And, he wouldn't let Kinsey win!

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Jack stopped in at Carolyn's office and said, "Doc, I think he's gonna be okay. He just asked me for his journal. He wants to write it all down."

She looked at him and smiled. Finally!

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After Jack gave Daniel his journal and a pen, he headed over to Sam's lab. She was seated at her desk, writing her mission report from the rescue. As she looked up, she grew concerned. Jack had a very serious expression on his face and she wanted to know why?

"Is Daniel any better?"

"Well, I think he's made a turn for the better. I went in and told him to start talking or he was off the team. I finally got a reaction out of him. He's pissed but he asked for his personal journal and said he had to write things down first."

"Oh, good! That's definitely a step in the right direction."

"Something's bothering me though, Carter. When I went in there a while ago, before we talked, I touched his arm and he flinched." Jack looked at Sam with hurt in his eyes. "He's never flinched from being touched before, Carter. At least, not with me. It's like he can't stand to have anyone touch him."

"I think that's probably normal, Sir." Sam stood and walked around the table to stand in front of him. She held up two fingers and said, "For a little over two weeks, the only personal contact he had was torture." She crossed her arms over her chest and said, "They killed him , over and over again. I remember the devices we saw in the torture chamber. But, Kinsey and his goons didn't just kill him. They messed with his head, too. He's hurting pretty bad and it's gonna take time."

"Carter, if you'd seen him in that room at the farmhouse... it wasn't pretty. He was shaking and when he pulled the trigger... well, I can't say I blame him but it surprised me. Daniel's not a killer. He's not military so he hasn't had that kind of conditioning. Oh sure, over the last few years, he's killed enough Jaffa and Snakeheads to fill a phone book, but only when he had to. You know him - if he can talk us into laying down our guns, he'll do it in a heartbeat. What I saw in his face..."

"Sir, consider this... The sarcophagus changed him. Remember how he was after Shyla got him addicted? I do. He was in my lab a few days after we returned and he behaved like an arrogant s.o.b.. I knew at the time that he was under some sort of influence but it still hurt when he said the things he did. That wasn't the Daniel we know. Now, he's even worse than he was before, only different. When he pulled the trigger, he felt he had every right to kill Kinsey and couldn't wait to do it. That's not the Daniel we know, but can you blame him for how he felt? What that sarcophagus and the torture did to him was drop the gentle, caring side and replace it with a pissed off, vengeful killer. And, I'd be willing to bet my 401K that now he's feeling guilty and ashamed."

"Okay, I understand that, but how do we help him?" He sat down in the chair next to her desk. "How do we get the Daniel we knew before, back?"

"We don't give up on him, for one. We continue to touch him, to love him. He knows it in his heart but he needs to literally FEEL it. And we somehow get it through to him that we aren't going to judge him for what he did. The guy who wanted to kill Kinsey wasn't really Daniel."

"Okay, so you go first. It might be easier for him since you're a woman. Get over to the infirmary and start hugging him." Jack smiled. "And that's an order!"

Sam chuckled a bit. "I think I can handle that, Sir. No pun intended."

Jack snorted. Sam could always make him feel better. He hoped she could help Daniel. He stood up and looked down at her desk.

"Is that your mission report on his rescue?"

Sam went over to the desk and picked it up. "Yes. After I wrote it, I read it. It doesn't even get close to how bad it all was."

He reached for it. "Let me." He glanced through it and then handed it back. "I know what you mean. When you only write the facts and leave out the emotion, it seems kinda sterile, doesn't it?"

"My thoughts exactly." She sat it back on the desk and asked, "Are you going to ask Daniel to write one?"

Jack leaned against the desk and looked at her. "He's writing about what happened in his journal so that's good, but I almost hate to ask him to give an official report. I think Hammond is going to ask him for one, though. Even though it wasn't a scheduled mission, we need to have the facts documented. There has to be something officially said about what Kinsey did to him."

"Why don't you ask Hammond to leave it alone for a while. Our reports should be good enough for the time being. Give him a little time and then ask him what he thinks. Maybe he'll be ready later." She handed him back the file and said, "I'm finished with it."

Jack reached over and tapped her on the head with the folder and smiled. "Thanks. You're always so logical."

"Is that a compliment?"

"Yeah, Sure, You Betcha!" he said with a grin and left for his office. She just smiled and went back to her work.

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That afternoon, when Sam walked into the infirmary, she noticed that Daniel was looking up at the ceiling. He seemed to be studying it with great intensity and his journal was laying beside him on the bed.

"Hey, Daniel. What you lookin' at?" She smiled at him as he noticed her standing at the end of his bed. She reached over and gently caressed his foot under the blanket.

"I already counted, Daniel. There's 4,422 holes in the ceiling tiles on this side of the room."

"Hey, Sam." He gave her a slight smile. "I knew it was something like that."

She walked around to the side of the bed. "I'm kidding. I never counted them. Feel like going for a walk? Dr. Lam said I could spring you for a little while, if you want."

Daniel paused, gears turning behind his eyes, and sighed. "Actually, that sounds good."

"Great, it's a beautiful day up top. You won't' even need a coat." She held out his robe for him and helped him put it on, caressing his back as she did so.

On the surface, the sun was out and there was a warm breeze blowing in from the south. They found a large boulder to sit on where they could talk in privacy.

"Mmmm. It's good to get out of there and breathe some fresh air." Daniel took off his glasses and basked in the warmth, closing his eyes and turning his face toward the sunlight.

They sat like that for a few minutes, shoulders touching. She didn't want to break the mood so they were quiet for a while.

He thought,, 'This is nice. It's peaceful here'. It felt good, sitting on the side of the mountain, feeling the warm breeze ruffle his hair.

Sam put her arm around his waist as she looked up at him and said, "Daniel, I'm worried about you. Dr. Lam says you aren't sleeping well and you still don't eat very much." She looked into his face, "Come on, talk to me. She gave him a smile.

Daniel looked into her eyes as his face grew serious. "I don't know what to say, Sam. I've been writing it all down but I'm kinda numb."

"Numb? I would think you'd be furious! Outraged! Kinsey brutalized you, Daniel. He murdered you over and over again. And you're numb?" She sat up straight and looked up at his face.

He didn't say anything. How could he explain it?

"Hey, Daniel, this is me. You've always been able to talk to me before. What's different?" She took his hand and held onto it, slowly caressing the top of his hand with her thumb. The long fingers on his right hand were tapping his knee, and she could feel the tension starting to build.

"It's was easier to try to forget." He looked down and frowned, obviously uncomfortable.

"Okay, but can you forget?" She looked up at his face, noticing the dark circles under his eyes. 'Nightmares, that's why he won't sleep. Who could blame him?'

There was a long pause. And then he whispered, "No." He tried to look at any place besides Sam but she put her right arm around his shoulders and then lifted his chin to look at her. Their eyes met and she just wanted to cry. He looked so lost. He tried to turn away but she held his face and whispered, "Tell me."

His eyes started to water and he nodded. He got up, shoved his hands in the pockets of his robe, and took a few steps and stopped, facing away from her.

But, when he tried to talk, the words wouldn't come out.

"Damn it, Daniel, what did he do to you?!" Sam shouted at him.

When he turned back around to face her, he said, "I keep thinking that if I don't say it, it won't be real. It's all a bad dream. It didn't really happen." He looked her in the eyes and said, "Sam, I don't know what you know about what happened. Did you know that I drowned? I was held underwater in a tank, by his men. I was also electrocuted." His voice was low and husky, as if he was choking, literally trying to get the words out.

He pointed to his neck, hands shaking badly and said, "He personally slit my throat, Sam. He opened me up and pulled my insides out, while I watched." I was hanged, I was shot..." Daniel stopped talking as he sat back on the ground, with his knees drawn up, arms wrapped around his legs, rocking himself back and forth.

"Oh, Daniel." The anguish on his face was tearing Sam apart.

"Overdosed. Disemboweled. Dismembered, Poisoned... Do you want to hear more?" His words were desperate, pleading. He looked at her, expecting her to run away.

Sam didn't want to hear it, but she knew she had to listen. She'd promised she would listen. She told him, "Go on."

"Every time he finished, when I was either dead or near to it, he put me in the box. When I woke up, he started all over. I lost count. I don't know how many times I died. It went on and on. It got to the point where I didn't want to live. I wanted him to kill me for good. But, he wouldn't. He kept bringing me back." Daniel was barely able to get the words out. His sobs punctuated each sentence.

Sam walked over and sat down next to Daniel and put her arms around him, wanting to comfort him and she held him as he quietly wept. She tried to soothe him but she could feel the tension in his shoulders and back. His fists were clenched and white knuckled as he hugged himself and he looked like he was going to explode! She whispered to him, "You'll be okay."

He turned toward her and said, "No. I'm not going to be okay. Don't you understand? I can't go back to who I was before." He stood up and started pacing back and forth, unable to stop moving.

"No, you can't go back. But, if you let this wreck your life, Kinsey will still win. From the grave ... he'll still have control. You can't let him, Daniel. You can't!"

Her desperate plea got through to him. He stopped pacing and said, "That's what Jack said. I wanted to kill him, Sam. The whole time I was there, I thought about ways to get even. When I finally held that gun in my hands and pulled the trigger, it felt so good. So damn right! When Jack told me what happened, I couldn't believe it. I was so sure I killed Kinsey." He looked away.

"Are you upset that you didn't?" She stood, moved next to him and placed her hand on the back on his shoulder.

He stared off into the distance and said, "At first I was. I thought I had the right to do it. But now, not really. Even though I didn't kill him, I feel like I did. I remember pulling the trigger. The result is still the same." He wiped the tears off his face and took a deep, shuddering breath and turned around to hug her and whispered, "And, that scares me, Sam. I'm not like that. What have I become?" He rested his chin on her head and sighed.

Sam held him and then looked up into his eyes. "You're still Dr. Daniel Jackson, and you're still my best friend, no matter what. You were pushed into a corner, Daniel. One you should never have been in." Tears started down her face. "You survived because you had to. And you did it the only way you could, even if it meant shooting that S.O.B.. I'll never look down at you for that and nobody here will either. We all love and respect you, Daniel. You can count on that."

He gazed into her eyes and saw acceptance reflected back. "Thanks, Sam. I wasn't sure what people would think when they heard that I'd actually pulled the trigger. I was afraid they would treat me differently. After all, he was the Vice-President, once."

"Are you kidding? Kinsey's been a pain in the SGC's ass since the beginning. I don't think anyone here is upset about what happened, Daniel. They probably figure that he got what was coming to him."

"Maybe." Daniel sat back down on the boulder, pulling her down next to him. "Here, sit down. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

"Oh, Daniel, friends can cry with each other. Don't feel bad about it."

"Yeah, I guess so. I've sure cried enough in front of you to know."

She reached around and rubbed his back and asked, "So, what do you want to do, Daniel?"

He sighed and leaned forward, elbows on knees. "I'm not sure, Sam. Jack said that as soon as I get the clearance, I can take a break. He wants me to get off the base for a little while. He said that he won't let me bury myself in my work. That it would be too easy to stuff everything and not deal with things if I did that. Personally, I think it would be good to do something normal for a while."

"Yeah, but you know what will happen. You'll dive into your work and it'll get easier and easier as the days go by to not deal with it."

"Probably." He sighed. She was right. That's exactly what would happen.

"How are things with Elise?" Sam noticed the look in Daniel's eyes at the mention of her name. It made her smile as he sat up straight and turned to her. 'There's still life in those beautiful eyes. She must be pretty special to make them light up like that.'

"Good, actually. That's the only bright spot in this whole thing. I'd like to go back to visit when I'm out of here." He found that he missed her.

"Are you sure? I mean, a lot of bad things happened there."

He looked into her eyes and said, "Not at the farm, Sam. Not 'til the end, anyway. That was where we met and we talked for hours while I was laid up. I don't plan on going back to the estate. I never want to see that place again. But, I would like to see her again." He smiled and she smiled back.

"That's good. Ya know, I think you really are going to be okay, Daniel." She gave him a hug and then they went back to the infirmary. She was hopeful for the first time since they found him. Daniel was finally on the road to recovery. He was coming home.

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The next day he started talking to Dr. Jennings.

It wasn't easy. It never was with Daniel. Even talking to Sam had been tough. But, it was a start.