Walloped and Wormholed: Survivors' Accounts
In the Nintendo universe characters from all the different worlds interact with each other, visiting other worlds through a system of portals called N-gates. A Gamemaster presides over all of the day-to-day happenings, employing agents to keep a reasonable degree of order and to set things right when they go wrong. Such order was threatened one day when a mysterious attacker planted devices to warp characters into hostile situations in foreign worlds through wormholes in the N-gate system. Here are the accounts of four characters that experienced such trouble as seriously harmed them (in three out of these four cases, near-fatally) and lived to tell their tales.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters involved except the "Gamemaster's agents," to which I have given no names or even any identificationnumbers.
Crashed and Burned: Captain Falcon's Account
This was it. The final lap. It was the Serial Gaps course in Mute City, the final race of the Grand Prix Sapphire Cup. Racing neck-in-neck with my nearest opponent, I gritted my teeth and slammed my boosters. No way was I going to let any of my rivals take the race from me! With my nearest rival less than fifty feet behind me, I came in view of the finish line.
Even at that distance I could feel the thrill of victory charging through me like an immeasurable bolt of energy exploding from within.
Before I could cross, however, a mysterious portal opened from out of nowhere—directly in front of me. It was apparently a wormhole in Nintendo's N-gate system, and why it opened thus I had no time to wonder. I immediately let go my boosters and tried to swerve to one side and avoid the wormhole—but too late. The Blue Falcon, with me trapped inside, was thrust into a warp wherever the wormhole led.
Wherever I landed I had to have crashed, for within a second I was unable to do anything except feel intense burning pain all throughout my body, as if now I was nothing but a fireball hurtling through the unknown. I must have lost consciousness briefly from a blow to the head, only to come to myself again still in agony. I couldn't move a muscle of my own accord for numerous broken bones, and behind the visor of my helmet my eyes were too watery for me to see anything as I lay helplessly on my back almost unable to breathe (for I must have choked on something in the midst of my agonized screaming and had to have fractured several ribs). When the torture would end, or how, I did not know.
Suddenly I felt some kind of unknown cooling liquid sponged onto my burn wounds—whatever it was, it made me shudder uncontrollably even as it eased some of my pain. Amid incoherent background noise I heard the clear voice of a girl who spoke to me, saying, "…I've already called a doctor…and even now Nintendo probably has an Emergency Response Team on its way…you'll be all right…"
I barely registered the girl's words; the tones of her voice (made all the sweeter by the agony I was in) went through me like ringing bells. But I was unable to ask who she was or where I had crashed; I couldn't breathe well enough to speak. All that I could do was lie down in this defenseless position wherever I had been dragged, immobile, struggling to breathe, as the girl sponged more cooling solution—obviously a burn remedy of some kind—on places where I had been burned. She must have had a good deal of difficulty doing so; I had no doubt that parts of my charred racing suit had been fused to my flesh by the intense heat and that the girl was afraid to make any attempt to remove them.
I must have been wormholed into a rather primitive part of the Nintendo universe; the doctor whom the girl had called (when he finally did arrive) was able to do nothing for me. He tried suggesting that he give me a dose of some vitamins, but another voice I heard told him that I wouldn't be able to get them down.
The doctor then apparently started treating those who injured themselves by coming too close to the burning wreck. The girl, however, would not leave my side until the Emergency Response Team arrived to take me to Nintendo's Central Hospital (for which I was grateful); she continued to dab more of her anti-burn solution on my wounds and occasionally attempt to comfort me. But all the while my senses were fading, perhaps never to come back to me; I finally heard the sirens indicating the arrival of the Emergency Response Team for a brief moment before I lost consciousness again.
When I awoke, I lay in a critical care unit at Nintendo's Central Hospital. I was heavily bandaged and hooked up to many beeping machines, and outside my room I heard more anxious voices:
"You should've seen him when we arrived at the scene—limbs spread out at every kind of odd angle, body burned all over, helmet almost split in half, racing suit in tatters with parts of it stuck to him…"
"I know the Princess doesn't usually faint at the sight of blood, but I wouldn't blame her if she did faint when she saw him in that state…"
"How in the universe did the man even survive? All those broken bones and severe burns, surely any F-Zero pilot should have died…"
In spite of my gratitude at being alive, I felt great shame coursing through me. I should be giving a champion's interview on F-Zero Television right now, I thought, not lying in a critical care unit at Nintendo's Central Hospital! Why in the universe did my race at Mute City end in this undignified way?
However, I didn't really have time to brood. The door to my room opened unexpectedly, and I clearly made out the figure that entered as a uniformed Nintendo Gamemaster's agent with many badges. "How're you doing, Captain Falcon?" he asked me in lieu of greeting.
"Not good," I answered in a voice that sounded terribly hoarse to my ears, "they're saying it's a wonder I lived through it…"
"That's what everyone who saw you is saying," stated the agent. "Listen, I know your respiratory passages were pretty badly damaged, but if you can manage to speak much more, I need to know what happened when you were warped into that crash. Nice and easy, now, take your time."
I racked my memory. "It was in Mute City, Serial Gaps, the final lap, I could see the finish line—then a wormhole opened—I tried to swerve and avoid it, but…" I trailed off, gasping in pain—it still hurt a great deal for me to speak.
The agent finished for me: "But you were wormholed out of the race at full speed and into the Mushroom Kingdom, and since (due to travel-speed regulations in place on all the worlds) no vehicles can travel faster than an airplane in the Mushroom Kingdom, with the exception of registered agent transports, you crashed and burned immediately."
"Then someone dabbed an anti-burn solution on my wounds," I recounted, "a girl, judging by her voice—she said she'd called a doctor…" I had to mention this part of my recollection, because surely the agent could identify my rescuer.
The agent nodded and explained, "The girl who tended you after you crashed, until we arrived, was Princess Peach. You crashed less than a hundred feet from her castle. She used Universal Burn Remedy—kills infectious microbes to help speed recovery, and eases pain at the same time."
"Peach," I repeated the name, surprised but grateful. Aside from being the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, Peach sometimes posed as Dr. Mario's nurse. "She was an attentive nurse, then—she wouldn't leave me until the Emergency Response Team arrived…"
"I can tell you're grateful. Doctors believe that's what made the difference between life and death." The agent seemed wary of something else at hand as he said this. "Anyway, you're not the only person who was wormholed and badly hurt—Ness was brought in not long ago," the agent explained. Ness was a small boy from a place called Onett who had out-of-the-ordinary psychic abilities. "He was wormholed to Planet Venom and ambushed by Wolfens; Fox saved him, but not before the boy sustained a good number of burns on his arms and legs." Fox McCloud was a space fighter pilot who commanded the Starfox crew, often flying an Arwing to battle enemies.
What was going on, I wondered. Aside from the fact that Ness and I both fought in a series of battles called Super Smash Bros. Melee (I represented the F-Zero racers; Ness represented a place called Eagleland), the incidents were entirely unrelated. Fellow fighters from other worlds had helped both Ness and myself, but I could not for the life of me make sense of what had happened. I hated not knowing what was going on at any given time—ignorance of goings-on is often dangerous, particularly for bounty hunters like me—but the agent who interrogated me seemed as unable to make sense of what happened as I was. "Well, see you later, I hope you're in top form soon," concluded the agent before leaving the room.
I hoped that I was out of the Central Hospital soon, as well. Had I fewer, less formidable enemies among F-Zero pilots it would be of little concern to me, but I was somewhat apprehensive about Princess Peach's fate, as I now owed my life to her. I knew it was likely that upon hearing of the rescue one of my enemies might threaten her, more than likely doing so out of the way of her lifelong friend and lover, Mario. Wherever the wormholes in the N-gate system were appearing, I hoped that Ness would be the last character to suffer for being sucked into one of them unexpectedly.
Ball Game Gone Bad: Ness's Account
It was a quiet day in Onett, where I come from, and I was playing ball—just a game of throw-and-catch with my good friend Paula.
"Come on, try throwing it underhanded," I challenged. Paula threw the ball across the street to me, which I caught perfectly. I threw it to her, but I guess I threw the ball a little too hard, because Paula had to run after it a short distance.
As she bent down to pick up the ball, Paula looked down the street. "Ness, look out!" she yelled in alarm.
Following Paula's horrified gaze, I saw that there was a car coming up my side of the road. I jumped out of the road and into the grass in panic—and somehow I rolled straight into a wormhole in Nintendo's N-gate system.
With horror I realized that I had been wormholed straight into a battle of some sort on a planet I don't recall seeing before, at least from the ground. Half a dozen spaceships fired blaster bolts, and I tried frantically to dodge out of the way.
I might have been able to dodge a good number of the blaster bolts, but I couldn't get past all of them—suddenly I felt a red-hot burn on my arm. I had been struck. I cried out in pain as I grabbed my arm and stumbled back—only to be hit by more blaster bolts on my legs, back, and chest. By then I was crying so hard from being hurt that I didn't see the attacking spaceships driven off, nor did I see a friendly ship land near me some time after I was hit.
Suddenly I heard someone say, apparently speaking through some kind of radio system, "You just hold the Wolfens off—I'm taking Ness to the Central Hospital!" I then felt myself being picked up and carried a distance before my rescuer came to what must have been an N-gate and said something like, "Requesting emergency clearance—Ness was ambushed and I need to get him to safety…"
Both my rescuer and I were transported to Nintendo's Central Hospital. There I was taken to the emergency room, and doctors and nurses immediately began to clean my burns and other wounds, reassuring me that I would be all right. My rescuer must have left immediately, because I saw no sign of him in the emergency room. I don't know how long it took the doctors to clean and bandage all of my wounds, but when they were finished, a nurse led me into a room, where I was told I would be staying for a week.
After the nurse gave me a small cup of fruit juice to drink and left my room, a uniformed Nintendo Gamemaster's agent entered. "Hey, Ness, how are you? I hope you weren't seriously hurt," said the agent, who seemed worried. "Hear me out, Ness, I need to know what happened to you. Where were you when you were taken to Planet Venom and attacked?"
"Well, I was in Onett, of course…playing ball with Paula…I threw the ball a little harder than I should've…Paula yelled there was a car coming…I tried to get out of the way…then I was warped…there was a battle…I was hit hard…I felt myself being picked up…" I recalled in broken phrases, still choking back painful sobs.
"Those were Wolfens that attacked you, and Fox McCloud was the one who brought you to the emergency room," the agent informed me. I knew that Fox McCloud was the commander of the Starfox crew, which battled such foes as Wolfens, and that Fox was also one of my fellow Super Smash Bros. Melee fighters, as was his trusted sidekick, Falco Lombardi.
"Tell Fox I said thanks. Do you know why I was wormholed, or whatever happened to me?" I ventured to ask the agent.
"No, Ness, I have no idea," he answered. "But whoever planted the wormhole device in Onett seems to be going after Super Smash Bros. Melee fighters; Captain Falcon was also wormholed, and what happened to him was a lot worse than you got. I hope the attacker doesn't go after rescuers next; if so, Fox and Princess Peach are both in trouble." In addition to being another Super Smash Bros. Melee fighter, Captain Falcon was a bounty hunter and an F-Zero pilot. He must have really been seriously hurt, if he also had to come to the Central Hospital after being wormholed, wherever he was sent. "Well, I've got to see Captain Falcon before I leave—ask him a few questions. I'll be seeing you—hope you get well real soon…" the agent said before he left my room.
What the heck was going on? If whoever was planting wormhole thing-a-ma-jigs was going after Super Smash Bros. Melee fighters, why was I attacked? I wasn't particularly strong or anything, not as strong as a lot of the other fighters, at least. None of what happened in this turn of events made any sense. I certainly hoped as much as the agent did that the attacker didn't start going after rescuers next—if so, Fox McCloud would be in a whole lot of trouble, and so would whoever rescued Captain Falcon.
From Bad to Worse: Princess Peach's Account
I knew that perhaps I should be proud of myself for saving the life of a foreigner in the Nintendo universe (a bounty hunter, no less) that fateful day, but once the Emergency Response Team had departed to take fellow Super Smash Bros. Melee fighter Captain Falcon to the Central Hospital, and the cleanup crews were at work on my grounds cleaning up after the F-Zero crash, I felt ready to collapse.
The spell that held me calm and collected in the face of the wounded man's peril was close to dissipation now that the peril was no longer mine to ward off. How I managed to make it back into my castle, I knew not, but after going to a bathroom to wash my hands I immediately sank into a chair in a nearby room, not counting on being able to rise for some time.
"Would you like anything to eat or drink, Your Highness?" offered my loyal butler, Toadsworth, a member of a race of small mushroom people called Toads. I silently shook my head and waved one hand in dismissal; any attempt to eat a crumb or drink a drop would break what little strength I had left after the frightful ordeal. I knew not how long after Toadsworth left the room that my composure held fast, but soon it shattered like glass hitting the hard floor—there was no helping it; I buried my face in my hands and cried.
I had no idea how long I remained in that room in tears (it had to be at least half an hour), but it would not do. I had to visit my dear friend and lover, Mario. Certainly he already knew about what stressed me like this—in addition to being a plumber and the hero of the Mushroom Kingdom, and among other things, he was a doctor, and I often worked with him as a nurse—I had even called on him when I found that there was a wrecked F-Zero racing machine on my grounds. He, his younger brother Luigi, I, and our sworn enemy Bowser (king of the Koopas), as well as a dinosaur named Yoshi, were all fighters in a series of battles called Super Smash Bros. Melee (we all represented the Mushroom Kingdom)—as were many other characters from other parts of the Nintendo universe (including Captain Falcon, who represented the F-Zero racers).
As Dr. Mario's nurse, then, I was not as apt to faint at the sight of blood as most princesses were, but Captain Falcon's injuries, particularly the burns, were the worst I had ever seen on anybody in the entire Nintendo universe—and because he was from a different part of the Nintendo universe, no Mushroom Kingdom remedy was guaranteed to help him, so I had to anoint his burns with Universal Burn Remedy until an Emergency Response Team came from the central hub of the Nintendo universe to bring him to the Central Hospital.
Since all Nintendo characters are encouraged to attend to foreigners wounded on their native grounds—especially Super Smash Bros. Melee fighters—I was really only doing my duty, but I still wondered how I had the composure to face the task at hand when I heard the hideous crashing noise outside my castle.
Though not presently in tears anymore, I was still deeply shaken, so I finally asked for a glass of lemonade, and once I drank it I felt a little better. Some time later, when I had sufficiently pulled myself together to leave my castle, I set out on my Kart to go to Mario's house for a visit.
It seemed like ages since I had been on the road to Mario's house (as he usually took the trouble of coming to my castle), so I drove slowly, savoring the scenery. The roof of Mario's house poked up over the trees soon—but my arrival there was not to be. Where had my Kart gone, I wondered abruptly as I felt myself being warped, as if I was going through an N-gate.
Where the mysterious wormhole took me (for it had to be a wormhole in the system, as I did not go through an N-gate of my own accord), I knew not, except that I was falling down, right into a lake. A second later, I was under chilling water, and I struggled with all my strength to swim to the surface for a breath of fresh air. I was never a strong swimmer, and this fact seemed to be worsened by the fact that I had all this time been wearing a dress that weighed me down with wet fabric. I continued to struggle upward and toward what I hoped was a shoreline…but my dress weighed me down like a curtain of lead…the air in my lungs clamored to be released until I could no longer contain it…I could see wavering gray light filtering through the water…I realized with a terrible spasm of agony that I would never see Mario or any of my friends again…the rippling light would be the last thing I would ever see…
I had no idea how long I was unconscious after all my senses left me, but when I woke (chilled to the bone by my soaked dress and with a horrible feeling in my throat and chest that must have meant I had inhaled a great quantity of water) I mercifully found myself on dry land. An Emergency Response Team, which was accompanied by a Nintendo Gamemaster's agent with many badges, surrounded me, and next to me was an electric Pokémon named Pikachu. This was the Pokémon world, then (Olivine Lake, to be exact), and Pikachu must have attempted to drag me out of the lake and somehow called for help when I was drowning.
"Pika pikachu…" the small yellow Pokémon said in an exhausted voice. I reached out to stroke it behind the ears, and it drew closer to me as I stroked it.
Soon the agent with many badges approached Pikachu and me. "I know you're presently wondering why you were wormholed, Princess Peach," he said to me, "so I need to know where you were when you suddenly found yourself underwater."
"Well, I was riding my Kart," I remembered aloud, "on my way to Mario's house—I took the road from Toad Town, the long way, as I couldn't use the Warp Pipe on a Kart…I could see the entire roof over the trees—then I was wormholed…"
"That will do." With those words, the agent rejoined the Emergency Response Team and conversed with the members, occasionally radioing messages back to agent headquarters, of which I could not hear anything of any importance. I continued to stroke Pikachu behind the ears, with thanks for pulling me out of the lake, until the agent ordered me to board a transport ready to take me back to the Mushroom Kingdom. Pikachu was ordered to make its way to Ochre Woods, and I briefly suspected that the agent had sent an Assault Team there to protect Pikachu against the attacker who wormholed me, in case the attacker went after rescuers, for Pikachu and a few other Pokémon represented their world as Super Smash Bros. Melee fighters.
I was taken back to my castle, where Mario, Luigi, and Daisy (my good friend and Luigi's love interest) were already wondering where I was, afraid that I might have been hurt or captured. "Oh, Peach, it's good to see you all right," Daisy burst out as she rushed to embrace me. "When Luigi went to the Readers' HQ to buy The Nitwit's Guide to Repairs: Racing Karts, he learned that Ness was attacked, saved by Fox McCloud, and that agents were answering a call saying you'd been wormholed, too—and Mario told us about what happened with Captain Falcon and the wreck earlier today…" (Ness was a young boy with psychic powers who represented his home world of Eagleland in Super Smash Bros. Melee, and Fox McCloud—along with his sidekick, Falco Lombardi—represented the Lylat System.)
I told them all what happened to me on my way to Mario's house, and Mario and Luigi both seemed to agree with me on the theory that whoever attacked Ness and Captain Falcon with the wormholes that transported them into hostile situations in other parts of the Nintendo universe was now going after rescuers, as I had been wormholed after coming to Captain Falcon's aid, and Fox was now at risk of the same fate after rescuing Ness. We all now had to be extremely cautious, whatever was going on.
The Battle Not Ended: Fox McCloud's Account
Little did I know, when I rescued fellow Super Smash Bros. Melee fighter Ness—a psychic boy who represented Eagleland in the battles—from a Wolfen attack on Planet Venom, that the rescue was not the last fighting that I would do that day.
I reentered the Lylat System and went directly to my landed Arwing to assess the damage. Sure enough, the hull had sustained extensive damage, and it looked as though the Wolfens had also sabotaged my communications devices in the short time it had taken me to deliver Ness into the hands of doctors at Nintendo's Central Hospital. I could still communicate with the other members of the Starfox crew (Slippy Toad and Peppy Hare—and sidekick Falco Lombardi, who also fought alongside me in Super Smash Bros. Melee battles), but I could no longer reach the communicators at the Intergalactic Travelers' Center, or ITC, in the center of the Nintendo universe. This damage posed a good deal of trouble for me because the Nintendo Gamemaster had agents to keep a reasonable degree of order in the Nintendo universe—often employing Assault Teams to arrest miscreants and protect characters thought to be in particular danger, and Emergency Response Teams to bring those injured in foreign territory to the Central Hospital. Characters like myself, especially space travelers, were sometimes called upon to assist the agents when the trouble reached our worlds, and we were all strongly encouraged to attend to foreigners injured on our lands or along our travels.
With my communications systems, and my Arwing in general, badly damaged, I had to go to Corneria to buy replacement parts and repair my ship. I would've taken my Arwing to the ITC, but nobody except the agents, Assault Teams, and Emergency Response Teams were allowed to use the N-gate system anymore unless use was in emergencies—due to wormholes popping up unexpectedly and warping characters, particularly Super Smash Bros. Melee fighters, into hostile situations. (That's why I had to rescue Ness from the Wolfens. Since I could get Ness to the Central Hospital faster than an Emergency Response Team could, I was given clearance to use the N-gate.)
My journey to Corneria was uneventful, for which I was grateful, and I knew immediately where to go for parts—a large warehouse surrounded by landing bays. I landed my Arwing in a small landing bay and stepped inside the warehouse, proceeding immediately to the communications section, where I tried to find something compatible with my Arwing that could reach the ITC.
No luck at all. There were communicators that could correspond with my flagship, the Great Fox, and with other Arwings, but nothing with enough range or enough power to penetrate the N-gates and reach the ITC communications area.
Frustrated, I turned around to walk back to the landing bay, where I could perhaps discuss repair of the hull damage with a technician, but I suddenly felt myself being warped—had I triggered a wormhole in the N-gate system like the one that brought Ness to Venom?
I emerged from the wormhole in a bright-looking place that would have been idyllic were it not for some small, annoying enemies. I easily defeated most of the enemies by shooting them down with my blaster, and I could not help but chuckle to myself—if whoever planted the wormhole device was trying to hurt me, then he or she picked a poor place for a wormhole destination.
Alas! I had spoken too soon. Suddenly a shower of falling objects, like meteors, came down from out of nowhere. After dodging many, I came to notice that they were actually cubes with stars upon them. This was Dream Land, home to a Warp Star knight-in-training (and another fellow Super Smash Bros. Melee fighter) named Kirby, a pink puffball-like creature that could copy the powers of enemies (including fellow fighters).
Wishing that Kirby was here to try and inhale as many blocks as he could, I started shooting them out of the air before they could hit me. I managed to shoot quite a few dozen of the blocks, but I could not escape them all. One struck me on the shoulder so hard that it threw me against a nearby tree. The tree, a Whispy Woods, apparently did not like my hitting it, so it blew me back into the block shower. Already disoriented from the blow to my shoulder, I apparently stumbled straight underneath a block that struck me atop the head and knocked me out.
As I came to myself hours later, I found myself being bandaged in many places as I lay in the emergency room at Nintendo's Central Hospital—apparently I had sustained a few cuts and scrapes after being knocked senseless.
I didn't really have time to wonder what the heck was going on, because a Nintendo Gamemaster's agent entered my room. "Good, you're awake. How're you doing, Fox?" he asked.
"Well, one moment I was in a parts store on Corneria, the next moment I'm wormholed to Dream Land—I got showered in those funny blocks that're lying all over the place and got knocked out…" I answered with a heavy sigh. "I suppose Kirby found me and tried to help me in whatever way he could?"
"That's right. Can you give me the coordinates of the parts store and tell me where in the store you were a moment before you were wormholed?" questioned the agent. When I gave the asked-for information, the agent replied, "Thank you, Fox. Hope you recover real soon—and be glad you aren't the worst case of injuries in this crisis."
"Why—which SSBM fighter got hurt worst so far?" I had to ask.
The agent seemed to find it hard to answer: "Captain Falcon did—he was wormholed into the Mushroom Kingdom inside his F-Zero and crashed because of the travel-speed regulations. He's now here in critical condition—with the numerous broken bones and massive burns he got, he might've died had Princess Peach not treated his wounds for him until an Emergency Response Team arrived."
"Did the attacker go after Peach, as well?" I asked. It seemed like a logical event to have taken place, when I was wormholed shortly after rescuing Ness, and Peach had extended a much-needed helping hand to a grievously wounded Captain Falcon. Sure enough, the agent nodded. "What happened to Peach, then?" I wondered aloud.
"On her way to Mario's house, she was taken to Olivine Lake and almost drowned—but Pikachu rescued her and we were able to take her safely back to the Mushroom Kingdom," the agent explained. "We now have Assault Teams protecting all of the rescuers in case the attacker goes after any one of them."
With a wish of my speedy recovery, the agent left, and the emergency room doctors continued to patch me up. But all I could do was hope that I was the last SSBM fighter to be hurt as a result of the wormhole device planter's handiwork.