It is still light outside; a little after noon-ish, and having unpacked our bags and stowed everything in it's proper place, we set out for the local market and some food to last us for our trip. We found a small market and purchased our vittles and then returned to our cabin. As she sits on the couch I put the food away and when I had finished I joined her, placing my hand on her knee. I turn to her and asked what she wants to do, as there was still plenty of daylight to burn. Looking out, towards the front door, she suggests a walk in the woods.
(She gets up and goes upstairs for her boots and comes back down with mine)
We lace up our boots and set out. There's what looks like a well traveled path not too far from the front porch and she heads over towards it with me behind her, trying to catch up to her. We've been hiking for about an hour when we come to an outcropping of rocks that look out over and above the lake. We sit down for a little bit and simply gaze out onto the water and the activity on the surface. After a few minutes she lays down and stares up at the trees that are shading us from the heat of the daytime sunlight. There's a nice breeze that blows over us as we both look up and chat about "Us" and our relationship in regards to what we want out of what we've got going on between us.
For me, I want something mutually beneficial. I also want a family. I've got the house with the white picket fence but I also want a wife or partner that wants children. Yeah, I know I may be a bit old for raising children, but this time I think I'm ready. I wasn't ready for Ellie and through my own mistakes...well, let's just say that her faults as a daughter are my failings as a father. I was never really there and even when I was it was almost like I wasn't. Oftentimes I'd come home from work and she'd already be in bed and by the time she'd wake up I'd be on my way out the door, off to another day of work. On the weekends she'd be off with her friends and since my wife didn't seem to want me around all that much, I occupied my time fishing or spending time in the workshop tinkering with the lawn mower or something of that nature.
As for Sara, I'm not exactly sure. We've talked about children but she doesn't seem all that eager. Maybe it has something to do with her childhood, which didn't go so well. I know her mother killed her father and that Sara went into foster care, but apart from that I really don't know much. Maybe she's afraid she'll turn out to be like her parents...short tempered and easily frustrated, prone to voice raising and such. But as I look at her now, her eyes closed and her arm across her forehead, I can only see happy times. I see she and I sitting on our front porch watching our children playing in the front yard. I see family dinners, seated around the dining room table talking about how everyone's day went. I see myself standing in the doorway to a bedroom watching our child or children sleeping soundly. I also see our children graduating High School and going off to college and graduating from their chosen university. I see myself bouncing our grandchildren on my knee and playing hide and seek throughout the house. I see Sara and I in our twilight years, mine coming well before hers, still in love and feisty as ever, sort of like Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men. Whenever I see those films I always envision Sara and myself like those two. I don't know why, but I always have. But sadness kicks in when I think about when I pass away, most assuredly before her, and how it will effect her. After all, I'm in my early fifties and she's in her mid-thirties. I wonder how she'll cope and how our extended family will deal. Will I be missed? Will I be mourned or will I be like Grissom; there one day and gone the next with no parting words or ceremony. I like to think that I'll be missed. I like to think that we'll still be in touch with the gang (Nick, Greg, Warrick, etc). After all, they're like family...slightly dysfunctional, but family all the same. Would any of them be godparent to any of our children? I like to think some of them would. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, here. Its only been a few minutes and in that time I've envisioned our life, our golden years and my passing. All in the blink of an eye, one might say.
I snap out of my wonderings to see that Sara has fallen back asleep and I've got to pee. I slowly and quietly get up and walk back into the woods a bit to relieve myself. I'm leaning against a tree when I hear a rustling somewhere off in the distance. Maybe it's a squirrel or something like that. I zip up and look around to see, in the distance, a dog of some sort. Crouching down, I call to it and it comes bounding through the brush and wags it's tail wildly as I scratch it behind the ears and on it's hindquarters. I check the neck for a collar but find nothing. Looking some more, I discover it's a male. He's awfully tame for a mountain dog and can't be all that old; maybe a year or so. Maybe he's run off from somewhere. Maybe he's gone missing from his owner. Giving him one last pat on the side, I turn to go back to Sara and the dog follows. I'm not bothered by him; he's probably glad for the human interaction. As I sit down beside the still sleeping Sara, my new friend lays down beside me and looks out over the lake, same as me.
Its been about two hours since my new friend and I have returned to the rocks and Sara is beginning to stir. Hearing this, the dog moves over to her and begins to sniff her, then lick her face. Startled, she sits bolt upright and turns to me, a quizzical look on her face. I explain that I found him in the woods and he'd followed me back. I'm a little hungry so we both get up and head back to the cabin, followed by the dog. Sara says she'll handle lunch while I go to the lodge and see about the dog. As I go inside the dog lays down on the porch as I speak with the manager. To my surprise no one has reported a missing dog and that actually management has been caring for and feeding him for several weeks. I ask if take him with us when we leave and the hostess seems amenable to the idea. I promise to put up a sign stating that the dog has been found and list my contact number in case anyone comes looking, but she says she doubts anyone will come looking, as if they were, they would have done so by now.
Back at the cabin, Sara has made some sandwiches and a nice salad to go with them and as we sit on the front porch eating our lunch the dog looks up at me. I realize that we've no food suitable for a dog and when I'm done with my lunch I hop in the car and go to the market for some wet food and kibble. By the time I return the dog is still on the front porch and when I open the door to allow him in he refuses, apparently content to stay on the porch. I go in and mix him up something to eat and set the bowl in front of him along with a bowl of water. I'm a bit surprised when he ignores the food but figure he'll get to it in his own time.
Inside, I join Sara on the couch and explain my decision to take the dog home with us. She doesn't seem opposed to the idea and we bounce names off of each other. She seems to favour Rex, due to his stocky build and resemblance to a Rottweiler, but I'm kind of partial to Bounder, given the way he came bouncing through the woods when I first saw him. I'm kind of surprised that she isn't putting up any sort of fight, but thank God for small favors.
As the day passes from afternoon into nighttime I open the screen door and try to get the dog in for the night but as was the case before, he seems quite comfortable on the porch so I don't fight him. I make sure he's got food and water before closing up for the night and settling in on the couch for some cable programming. We find Reservoir Dogs and decide on watching that.
The movie is over and as I look over at Sara, she's asleep. Looking at my watch I see that its around 23:00hrs, and not wanting to wake her, I pull the throw from the back of the couch and cover her as she slumps over onto her side, mumbling something incoherently. I check the porch one last time and see our new charge asleep at the top of the stairs. Smiling, I climb the stairs to the loft bedroom and strip down to my shorts, but not before brushing my teeth. Climbing under the covers, I get sort of feeling of loneliness. Lonely because Sara is downstairs and I'm up here. I know she'll wake in the night and come up here but I want here, now. I guess I'll just satisfy myself with the fact that she's here in Tahoe with me instead of back in Vegas alone. Its odd, really. Even when we're at work and she's at the lab and I'm at the precinct, minutes away from her, I feel a bit empty...incomplete. I don't know if this is a good thing or bad. I mean, is it possible to love someone so much, with your entire heart and soul, that even when they're minutes away it may as well be hundreds of miles? Is it possible to love someone so much that you want to spend every waking moment with them, never tiring of their company? I think it is. At least that's the way I feel. Like, I know she's only about thirty feet away in her dream state, but like I said, she may as well be miles away. I wonder if I smother her too much or at all. Am I too clingy? Do I NEED her too much? Do I feel like I'm hollow when she's not around? I think I do. All I know is that I've never loved anyone like I love her. When I see her my palm sweat, my heart races and I'm glad that she's just standing there, regardless of what she's doing, whether she's pouring over evidence or just standing over the coffee maker in the break room waiting for it to stop dripping so she can have her jet fuel and charge up for the coming shift.
Do I sound sad? Do I sound pathetic? Do I sound whipped? I don't know. All I know is that I'd rather live one week with her than a lifetime without her. Then its decided...I'll propose tomorrow.
Wish me luck.