NETWORK CONNECTION ESTABLISHED… LOADING MAP BLOOD GULCH
Welcome Master Chief
Welcome Cortana
Slowpoke was killed by Panda Bear
Panda Bear was killed by Slowpoke
Master Chief: Where am I?
Slowpoke: How did you get in? It was a locked game
Master Chief: game?
Cortana: Chief, it appears we are in some sort of alternate reality where Spartans are created for the purpose of entertainment. They also appear to somehow re-spawn at certain points on this map much like we do at checkpoints. If we can beat them at this game, then we might get a chance to get out of here.
Master Chief: … I want to say something smart for once.
Master Chief: Soldier! Brief me on the situation!
Master Chief was killed by Panda Bear
Panda Bear: n00b
Master Chief: What! I am not an n00b. DIE!
Several seconds laterMaster Chief was killed by Panda Bear
Panda Bear: yes you are
Master Chief: Damn you!
Cortana: Chief, we don't know the terrain very well. It would be best if we scouted it out first.
Cortana: take the banshee behind you and fly around a bit.
Master Chief: Ban…shee? Turns around
Several seconds laterMaster Chief: Yee Ha! I'm king of the skies!
Master Chief was killed by Panda Bear
Panda Bear: No Shees
Slowpoke: noob
Master Chief: good idea Cortana
Cortana: hehe
After regrouping and coming up with a plan…Cortana: Here's the plan: you take the warthog and run those two over, then take the flag.
Master Chief: good idea, what will you be doing?
Cortana: I will be helping you by sniping
Master Chief: nice. By the way, how come the opponent haven't mobilized yet?
Cortana: It seems like the one named Slowpoke is taking a washroom break and the one named Panda Bear is getting something to eat!
Blue team has the flag
Master Chief: F…, Cortana snipe them down!
Cortana: Okay!
Severalseconds later…
Blue team score
Master Chief: How could you let them get away!
Cortana: they were moving!
Master Chief: One was taking a dump and the other said he was going to get some grub!
Cortana: obviously they were lying
Master Chief: …
Several seconds later…
Blue team score
Cortana: AHHH! Why didn't you stop them! Now they only have one more point to win!
Master Chief: They both had heavy weapons!
Cortana: they both had pistols, and you had both the rocket launcher and the fuel rod!
Master Chief: … It's always my fault isn't it?
Cortana: Yes, but anyways, let's do this thing my way, using my 'special skills'
Master Chief: Huh?
Now we go back to our favorite marines!The marines that the Chief left behind are taking a lovely drive on the sands of Death Island, unknown that something devious awaits them.
"Squad leader Barney! There seems to be a large covenant force up ahead waiting to do nasty thing to us." Said a marine
"You'd be blind not to see it" Said Kyle
"Nonsense, there's nothing ahead of us. I'd bet the covenant force thought that weak group of Jackals was enough to take us out. Am I right marines?" Replied Barney "I hope they don't know that I cheated on my vision test" he hoped.
He shouldn't have cheated, because: 1. There really was a large covenant force ahead of them and 2. Cheating is bad. Two elites and at least a dozen grunts await our lucky group with ravaging bloodlust. If any human were ever to get caught within that group, there would be much forking and spooning involved in the eating of the human while he was alive and could feel everything. So, yes, you wouldn't want to meet them in a dark ally.
However, our group of marines wasn't just any human. They are a group of humans in a pimped up warthog. Barney, the driver, was indeed; half blind, but he could see the tree in front of him. "Holy crap! A tree!" The covenant force dodged out of the warthog's path, but what surprised them was that the warthog suddenly swerved around and crushed them under the big tires of the vehicle.
"Nice driving Barney!"
"Yea, dodging that tree was pretty awesome" Barney replied.
"Watch out! There's a tree ahead of us!"
"No silly, that's the elite we're trying to…"
BOOM
"Whoops"
Just then, Foehammer felt something against her and stirred.
SMACK! "Don't you ever touch me! EVER!" Screamed Foehammer as she woke up from her... um… condition.
Mr. X had just tried to give Foehammer mouth to mouth to try to revive her from her current status. "Um… okay, I was just trying to 'help'." muttered an embarrassed Mr. X. "Help myself I mean."
The waking of Foehammer means Barney's bad driving skills can finally be laid to rest, thus increasing the life expectancy of the group by 80-so years.
"Well, guys, since we didn't die, we can continue on with me being the driver." Said Barney
"NO" Shouted every single marine.
Then one voice cried: "Pick me, I'm the best driver out of all you suckers."
Everyone turned towards Kyle
"Why don't we just kill him and leave his body here for the covenant's forking and spooning party later on?"
"I vote Foehammer," said Kyle as he trembled in fear.
"Yea, me too!"
"And me!"
"Me three"
"Cortana is…"
19 clicking sounds were hear as the same number of pistols were aimed at the speaker's head
"I mean… I vote for Foehammer"
"Yea, count me in!"
"So it is agreed," voiced Barney sadly "Foehammer is the new driver"
"Yes! As my duty as driver, I shall…"
"Just drive!"
"Okay"
A couple of seconds later, all the marines were back in the hog and ready to go.
"I just want to be loved," whimpered Barney on the verge of tears.
"I don't think anyone will love you… unless you put on a purple dinosaur suit.," whispered a cruel marine to Barney
"Whaaaaaaa… EMO MODE!" cried Barney. He then proceeded to slit his wrists with the nearest thing avaliable: the handle of his assult rifle. Two hidden elites that luckily survived because they were taking a lunch break rushed out of the shadows at the warthog. Foehammer put the peddle to the metal as the engine came to life. The tires of the hog spun and threw shredded grass and sand into the face of the pursuing and angry elites, who shouted "RAWRRRR RAWRRR cough RAWRRRRRRRR" which either means: "Come back, I left my cough medicine in your car!" or "Yo mama smells like grunt! AH HAHAHAHA cough. Oh I crack myself up." I think my translator is broken. Either way, the elites screamed angrily but calmed down when they found out they have things to fork and spoon. While they are doing that, our group of good guys sped off into the never-setting sun. (Seriously, the sun never sets on the silent cartographer!)
Till next time…
Author's Note: Next chapter, you will know what Cortana means by doing things her way, and I don't mean flashing the opponent, making them hypnotized with her perfect breasts, giving the chief time to get away with the flag… she might though… I hope she does.
Author's Note (PS): um… let's summarize what we have known so far: 12 out of 50 marines survived the landing (amazing I know), the Chief threw Foehammer out of her pelican and captured it; Foehammer pimped up the hog so it can seat 13 people. Chief ended up in a multiplayer game with two halo geeks codenamed: Slowpoke and Panda Bear. And the marines are about to go into the building where the silent cartographer is held. I wonder what's going to happen next? (Even though I know)
I can't believe I still have to tell you guys to read and review. I have a hit counter, so I know which one of you people is reviewing!