We return to the multiplayer game, where the Master Chief and Cortana talk in privacy about her secret weapon, while Slowpoke and his companion Panda Bear constantly try to team-kill each other.
Master Chief: You have a secret weapon?
Cortana: for the fifth time, YES!
Master Chief: I know what it is!
Cortana: what is it then!
Master Chief: Your girl parts! (He said in a childish tone) You are going to flash yourthings at the opposing team, who are going to stare in awe and then be paralysed for 10 minutes, which give me more then enough time to take the flag.
Cortana: … You are a sick bastard.
Master Chief: I try. So what is your 'secret weapon'?
Cortana: Remember my awesome ability to mod games? Well…
Master Chief: I don't get you
Cortana: … just give your pistol a try
Master Chief: but the pistol sucks. It's so weak!
Cortana: no wonder you're an n00b, now shoot it at that warthog!
Master Chief: okay
Slowpoke was killed by a vehicle
Panda Bear was killed by a vehicle
Master Chief: whoa! The pistol acted like 100 rockets being shot at once and flipped the warthog onto the two opposing players.
Cortana: Okay! stop talking now, JUST GET THE FLAG!
Master Chief: Okay. If I don't come back here with the flag, um… well… send a highly caffeinated beverage after me!
Cortana: … no
10 minutes later…
Red Team Scores
Red Team Wins
Master Chief: Yea! We so totally rule!
Game StatisticsMaster Chief 100 kills 0 assists 22 deaths
Panda Bear 18 kills 5 assists 39 deaths
Slowpoke 4 kills 15 assists 61 deaths
Cortana 0 kills 0 assists 0 deaths
Slowpoke: Again!
Now, we return back to our cute, cuddly and absolutely lovable marines.
The warthog swerved around a corner. The awesome sight of a massive forerunner structure rose from the distance, as well as the squeaky voices of grunts and the deep tongue of the elites. The massive covenant drop ship had just dropped off a troop of jackals in the lower area of the structure. The marines seriously have no idea what to do. They had to be creative and thoughtful to get out of this messy situation.
"Damn, those covenant had already secured the place, we'll need a napalm strike if we'll ever even hope of getting inside." Cursed Barney to his battalion.
"When facing a more powerful opponent, you have three choices: fall back and engage in guerrilla combat, call in reinforcements, or surrender. And since the last two aren't options, we must rely the stealth of the shadows to defeat our enemy."
Everyone turned towards Mr. X.
"What? Did I say something wrong?" Mr. X defended.
"Or, we could just burn the shit out of them!" Kyle enthusiastically shouted.
"Yea, I'm with Kyle!"
"Yea, Me Too!"
"Where are we going to get a large amount of flammable material?"
After knocking the speaker out for discovering a large problem, the team pondered the dilemma.
"We could use the mod hog's gas!"
"NO!" Foehammer cried, for she would rather give up her life then her preciously built hog, "Why don't use the delivery I made?"
Remembering the 8 gallons of beer, 3 café ladies and 12 large pizzas that she dropped off, the marines said "oh yea…" in unison.
Barney, also being the self-proclaimed strategist, developed a cunning plan. "I HAVE A CUNNING PLAN! They have heavy fortifications in and around the structure, so all we have to do is force them inside, so their squad will be a dense mass inside a tight space. We will get the Café ladies to scare them off into the building and finish them off with the legendary atomic 20-bean mega chilli surprise, which of course, has devastating effects, as we have all experienced…" Barney took off his hat and wiped a sympathetic tear out of his eye as others did similar actions. "We lost a lot of good men that day."
FLASHBACK! (Yea!)
Pillar of Autumn2000 Hours
Mess Hall
The cafeteria of the pillar was a hive of wretched scum and villainy. And that's just the food! The people who eat it are even worse, for the food fuels a man's desire to kill. And that's what keeps soldiers alive. It all starts at the lunch line…
"Hey, Bessie, what's for Lunch!"
"Atomic 20-bean mega chilli surprise! It's my new invention! 20 megatons of atomic gas from your ass in a 350g can!"
"Sorry, but I chose life."
He walks away with a genetically modified apple and an extended 20 seconds to live.
"Hey Bessie! Give me the Atomic 20-bean mega chilli surprise! I'm in a hungry mood! Plus I lost a bet."
Holding a container with a biohazard sign on it, Bessie the lunch lady gives the daring but stupid soldier the container. The unfortunate pawn walked to the table with the tray in one hand and the container in the other. He sat down and put the foul substance every so cautiously on the table. He pulled out his lucky tongs and slowly twisted open the container. POW! The lid popped open, etching a startled expression on the soldier's face. Evil sprites, which have been trapped inside the chilli for so long, escaped violently, into the light. Even if it means vaporising at the touch of it, they would do anything to be away from the sick creation. The unlucky man took his titanium spoon and dipped it inside the biohazard container. The spoon vaporised as soon as it touched the soup. This turn of events left him no choice… he had to use… The ultimate eating utensil! The Gundaminium (the stuff Gundams are made out of) plated, Aldurium (the stuff wolverine's claws are made out of from X-Men) re-enforced, energy shield coated, Spork! He lowered the godly device towards the evil bean chilli. The shield on the Spork flickered but didn't go out. The soldier kept an eye on the shield meter. It was rapidly dropping. He had to do what he's going to do fast. Quickly, he brought the awesome Spork up to his mouth. The Chilli tasted like a combination of poo, old mouldy sweaty socks, and week old bread in water. This brave man forced the concoction down his throat and felt a giant gaseous bubble form in his stomach. At that moment, he had only two choices: explode in a big methane explosion, or let it out embarrassing himself to death. He chose the second option. He let the cloud of vapour out, melting his seat and the skin of the person beside him. Everyone in a 5-meter radius died an instant painless death brought on by the sudden shock of the smell. As the smell travelled, it spread out into the air. People outside the radius were less lucky. The smell was so bad that burning for an eternity in the 9 leagues of hell was nothing compared to this. They suffered for approximately 5 seconds before their brains decided it would be better off for them if they died. The Café ladies however were unharmed because they were used to this kind of smell. They do this just about every day without the Chilli. And that, kids, is why Café ladies don't eat their own cooking, because everyone would DIE. Thank you.
To be continued. Um… yea
Author's note: I know I went a little off topic, but this flash back contains a lot of information. That's why I wrote it. If you don't read and remember the flash back, then some stuff won't fit together.What Mr. X said about the stealth of the shadows is true. There's a tree trunk nearby where you can stand behind and shoot, but they won't shoot you... much. Also, there's a reason that this chapter is called "too Much Information"...
PPS: This fan fiction is my way to get back at the bitchy café ladies at my school.
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