It was a sunny day.
Everything was perfect…
For the covenant
"Sir! We have found a strange earth relic. It appears to be a combination between the sacred fork and the holy spoon of the forking and spooning ceremonies." Reported the lowly blue elite to his higher commander I-am-mee.
The high commander, in his gold shining armour, was fingering his vintage energy sword and unusually large plasma rifle. He stood as if an invisible voice was talking vaguely in his general direction. The gold elite only noticed his underling because he mentioned something about a fork and spoon. (I didn't think I told you that his hearing was bad.) The commander held out his hand and felt a weight enter it. He brought the strange object towards the light and said his only words for the day: "I dub thee Spork!" His short speech was ended by a burst of assault rifle fire at the two elites. 5 stupid marines popped up from the bushes surprising the duo. The blue elite quickly drew his plasma rifle and began firing in random directions in front of him. 3 marines (being as stupid as they are) purposely ran into the balls of flying plasma, then buckled and fell. The other two charged at the gold elite, firing sustained bursts from their assault rifles. I-am-mee tossed the Spork and nailed one marine in the head. He then punched the other marine giving him a quick and painful death.
"Nice one Sir!" butt-kissed the blue elite in hopes of a quicker promotion. But the high commander was more interested in the Spork. He picked it up and examined it. It was coated with a silver-blue metal, and it seemed impossible to bend. Even him, the strongest warrior in his squad of 2000 elites could not bend it. And when he tried, there was a shimmering around the Spork, thus conforming the presence of an energy shield. When he examined it closer, he could see there was a small status bar determining the structural integrity of the Spork (measured by 9 bars that change colour and decrease in number as the structural integrity goes down) and the shield bar determining how much shield energy the Spork has left before the need to recharge. (Measured like the shield bar in the Master Chief's armour) This truly was the ultimate eating utensil. However, the high commander had other plans for it… Beep! Beep! Beep!
"Now What!" The gold elite thought. His COM pad on his wrist kept ringing with the distinct tune of the familiar tune of 'Hit Me Baby One More Time'. This song was the official battle music of the elites, and they tried to sue the humans for copyright infringements.
"High Commander I-am-mee! Please report to sector 00-beta also known as the 'silent cartographer'. There is a breach in security. Our first defence have been completely wiped out." Said a lower prophet through the COM link. "We will send a banshee there to get you!"
Several Minutes Later…
Hanging off one wing of a banshee, with four grunts on the other side for counter balance, I-am-mee sighed in desperation at the covenant budget. The commander was thinking that maybe the people in his command could fundraise by selling grunts as target practice to humans. He can maybe fund enough money to purchase a decent drop ship. But for now, he will have to settle for this mode of transportation.
At last he arrived at the island. The purple flier flew into the island, where a giant hole appeared in the middle of it. The banshee swooped down and landed on the ledge. The elite and grunts all got off. The elite went straight and took the first left. The grunts followed him. He knew he would be facing a formidable foe. Even the great Spork wouldn't match up with this enemy. He unhooked his energy sword and activated it. He closed the door and waited.
The Master Chief was at the end of the multiplayer game.
He is looking at the scoreboard right now.
He had just gotten 100 kills with a modified pistol.
Cortana is currently away. She hacked into the Interconnected Network of Networks in search of the legendary Custom Edition of Halo. With this device, the Master Chief would not die in his postponed mission: The Silent Cartographer.
Panda Bear, the host, was back from yet another bathroom break and was eager to start the game. But, starting the game would leave Cortana behind in the dark, cold Inter-net. He must stall for time, and he had a plan.
"Hey Panda! … Um… You like bamboo!" Badly taunted the Master Chief.
"Of course… I'm a panda bear." Smartly replied the bear.
Damn! That didn't work, time for plan B!
"Hey! Slowpoke! You like Pokemon!"
"You F Bastard! I'll kill you and do stuff to your corpse in front of your children! Panda Bear! Start the game!"
Oh dear, I've made it worse! Hurry up Cortana!
Network Connection Established… Loading Map Blood Gulch
Welcome Panda Bear
Welcome Slowpoke
Welcome Master Chief
Panda Bear: Damn! Why am I going to the bathroom so much?
Slowpoke: LOL! It's because I put laxatives in your drink.
Panda Bear: MY GOD! HOW MUCH DID YOU USE!
Slowpoke: enough
Slowpoke got betrayed by Panda Bear
Panda Bear: brb
Master Chief: I have to somehow win this game. Cortana will find a way in here somehow… I hope…
Welcome Cortana
Master Chief: How did you get back!
Cortana: Well, I remembered the Server IP Address.
Master Chief: What about the password?
Cortana: Slowpoke and Panda Bear don't seem very complicated, so I just thought up of the simplest password possible. Anyone who uses this password is proof that he is a complete and utterly idiot.
Master Chief: What's the password?
Cortana: 1234
Master Chief: 1234! That's the combination for my suit's self-destruction code! … oh
Cortana: idiot
Master Chief: Did you get the Custom Edition for Halo?
Cortana: yea, let's go!
Master Chief quit
Cortana quit
Suddenly, the Master Chief appeared in the pelican with Cortana in the control panel. They were flying at an altitude of around 200 feet above the island. Cortana had already placed a NAV point on their destination.
"Okay! Cortana! Test out dev mode on Halo CE." The Chief barked.
"Already done!"
"Now put me on manual pilot!"
"Are you sure?
"Hell YEA!"
"… okay" she conformed with a trembling voice
Auto Pilot Activated
The pelican suddenly dropped sharply, heading towards the NAV point. "Holy S" Cortana screamed. The distance between the pelican to its destination dropped from 200 feet to 0 feet in around 1.124 seconds. You can guess the result.
BOOM!The shrapnel and high velocity debris killed all sentinel life within 245 metres. It's a miracle that the security control centre didn't get obliterated within the explosion. "Oh My GOD! How the hell were we supposed to survive!"
"Never underestimate the power of Halo CE!" the chief replied. "So, now all we have to do activate this panel thingy right?"
Cortana just stood wide-eyed, trying to calculate their chances of survival.
"I'll take that as a yes" The chief walked up to the security panel and started pushing random buttons. The panel hummed into life and the three dimensional hologram started to spin. "Mission completed."
MARINE TIME!
The Marines equipped with makeshift gas masks stepped into the forerunner structure, wading either on, over, or through the covenant bodies. "Oh Man, it's really messy in here!" Complained Mr. X "We should've taken the hog."
"Well, It's too far to go back now." Said Barney
"What do you mean? It's only about 10 metres back to the door."
Flipping through a book of movie quotes, Barney randomly picked one: "I'll be back!" he said with Austrian accent and everything. He then kept on going deeper inside the building. Looking extremely confused, the marines hopelessly followed. They walked down a long corridor making the occasional 90-degree turn to the left. They ended up in a small room where an elite and 4 grunts were waiting.
"Holy… Grenade!" Barney shouted. All the marines threw grenades at the small covenant force. After the dramatic explosion, bodies were thrown everywhere and finally landed. They salvaged the left over weapons and grenades. By then, most soldiers were carrying at least 2 plasma grenades, 1 human grenade, a plasma pistol or needler, and of course, their trusty assault rifles. The only thing that prevents them from continuing this quest is not the massive covenant force ahead of them, but rather the door in front of them.
"How do we get through this door" Said Mr. X
"I don't think we want to!" Dribbled Foehammer. She was looking through the transparent screen as saw a gold elite with an energy sword standing there looking very menacing.
It was about this time when the marines felt a great shockwave rushing through them. They stood amazed and wondering what happened.
"Oh My God! That felt like the force of my dear pelican crashing into a heavily fortified structure and smashing it to smithereens!" Thought Foehammer. Too bad she doesn't know exactly how right she is.
Seconds later, the door randomly opened and the gold elite stepped out. He puffed out his chest and acted like some type of saviour of the covenant. He stood in that position for a couple of seconds.
"Ahh! An Elite!" Shouted Barney, "Everyone Shoot it!" That's exactly what everyone did. Like a tree, the elite stood there in that pose with bullets peppering his shields. His COM link beeped 5 times and then roared RAWR RAWR RAWERRRRRR! Meaning go to LUNCH! The elite slumped down, turned 180 degrees and walked away. The bullets stopped flying.
"Well, that was weird" Kyle said. After much staring at each other for a long time, the marines walked into the tunnel ready to face the foe ahead.
To be Continued… for probably the last time.