Two races, both alike in dignity
In the ring of Halo, where we lay our scene
From ancient grudge, break to new mutiny
Where covenant blood makes the chief's hands unclean.
For the fatal depths of this bad ring,
A really cool map was made.
The two races fought for this,
And the loser shall burn and bake.
Here comes the conclusion for this war:
I hope you don't wet your pants.
For this is the greatest ever made,
And if it really is… I'll get up and dance.
(I can't dance)
"KYLE! God damn it! Stop reciting parodies of Shakespeare!" screamed Barney at the egotistic jerk.
"You know you like it!" He smartly replied.
This rag-tag band of hopeless marines, in which only four are named, go deep into the facility of the map room littered with covenant scum. They only just encountered a menacing gold elite who skipped happily off to lunch break leaving them alive for the moment. Right now, their mission is to go downstairs, activate the map, then get out somehow. They have no idea of how to do this, although each individual have their own ideas…
"Hmm… Maybe I could use the other marines as cannon fodder, then activate the map myself and be crowned hero!" Thought Barney. His way of thinking is eerily identical to the Master Chief's way of thinking.
While Barney was making up his plan, the other members of his team were having thoughts of their own.
"I wonder would happen if I put a pin inside my eye. I don't have a pin. Oh! I found one from this grenade! OH SHIT!"
"WOW! Cortana is HOT! How does she keep up that great body? I wonder what's 5 yrs old in AI years?"
and
"Hmm… Although I can't be killed, I can still get tentacle raped. That could be a problem. I've got to take all the cameras from the grunts and marines before engaging in battle."
Obviously that last thought came from Foehammer. Anyways, taking his thoughts, Barney came up with a plan and moved into action. "Okay guys and girl, you move ahead and take care of the covenant. When you are done, I will come down and activate the map." If a normal person heard this statement, they would say 'no' and proceed with beating the talker into a bloody pulp. However, marines aren't 'normal'.
"Alright! Mr. Leader Sir!" Replied the marines in perfect sync. "Let's go!"
They took a left and took a left again. The group came face-to-back with a blue elite looking confused at a purple box with buttons on it. The Marines came to a dilemma. For once in their life, they don't know what to do. They've never taken down anything bigger then a grunt. Luckily, Kyle stepped in.
"Move aside you losers!" He then primed a plasma grenade and stuck it on the back of the elite's head. The elite noticed this and rubbed his head with both hands as if he's got a bad case of dandruf. Kyle then quickly ran up the ramp to the right of the elite dodging the flaming plasma from the grenade. After a couple of gunshots and squeaky screams later, a slightly charred Kyle came back and said "Area secure! Nothing moving." The Marines tiptoed into the room cautious of any movement. However, like Kyle said, nothing was moving. Purple and light blue blood dotted the floor. A handful of grunts and two dead elites lay on the battlefield... dead. Barney was especially curious on how Kyle did this.
"How in god's name did you do that?"
"You'd be amazed on what five hours of Halo a day can do to you."
"What's Halo?"
Ignoring that last questing and sighing at the noob-ness of his teammates, Kyle opened the door with his team following behind him. The door revealed two jackals stupidly waving at him as if saying "YO YO YO! HOMIES!" A grenade smartly placed between the legs quickly dealt with this.
The marine team (hey that rhymes) then descended the ramps and into another room. It was lead by Foehammer with a bag of cameras, cell phones and other moment-taking devices. Kyle, who was using her as cover, carried a M6D pistol and a plasma pistol. While he carried the weapons and skills of 1337ness, the other members of his team chose lesser weapons such as the assault rifle, or the plasma rifle. Those people were the noobs and were often used as cannon fodder or distraction devices. Several carried needlers and they usually fought alongside Kyle, helping him take down enemies.
They came in, Foehammer first. A jackal poked its head around a corner and its brains got blasted out. It fell down backwards and its shield bursted. The other jackals knew immediately that the humans was there and took a defensive position. Kyle held a hand up to signal his team-mates to shut up and go that way. Kyle himself took Foehammer as his personal shield and took a left. By the time he has arrived, his fellow marines were shooting futilely at the jackal's shields. Kyle then took his pistol and picked them off. Right then, a green arc came down on the jackal bodies, half-vaporising them.
"Hunters!" Kyle shouted. The marines stupidly charged forward. "Ah well, it's their funeral" They marines lead the hunters around a corner. When Kyle turned the corner, most of the marines were covered with orange jelly and the hunters are dead. "How did… What… Um… Why only you can do stuff when I'm not looking!" Kyle asked forcefully.
"It's because you are not looking that we could do stuff." Mr. X replied, "By the way, the orange jelly was delicious."
No words can describe his shock. "… anyways, let's get going!"
Several slaughters and crappy jokes later…
"Finally, we are at the map, the holy grail which we have been questing for a long time. It's finally ours!" said Barney victoriously" Muahahahahaha" SLAM! "Ow! What'd you do that for? Okay, by the way, good work men."
"What do you mean by 'good work men'! I had to save your N00B-Betraying-Camping Asses more then 50 damn times! And it was me who killed off everything, except the hunters, which I still don't know how you did that." Complained Kyle.
"… yea… anyways, let's activate the map and get out of here." Said Barney "Does anyone have any ideas on how to do that?"
"Oh oh! I've got one" said Mr. X, "Let's wait until the Chief arrives, then let's show him what we've done. Perhaps he'll give us a cookie!"
Fearing the that covenant reinforcements have been dropped off, Barney and the rest of the team agreed.
SCENE SWITCH
Flying away on his commandeered banshee, the gold elite reflected on his actions. Should he really have walked away instead of killing the marines on the island? Probably not, but what the heck, he was on his break so nothing could touch him. Soon, he was flying over a wooded area where several humans were having a mock battle. He used the banshee's fuel rods to light the trees on fire and watched the humans put it out with their clothes. But instead the clothes caught on fire and they ran in circles screaming in foreign tongues. I-am-mee chuckled at the sight, but then sped off to his quarters where a good meal of quelewackodoo awaited him for lunch. This awesome dish is only fit for the best eating utensil: the energy shield coated, gundamanium plated, aldurium re-enforced SPORK! The tingly-hurty sensation of the energy shield only makes food taste better. However, if he ever knew what was really in quelewackodoo, he would set himself on fire while trying to cut his stomach out with an energy sword. Luckily for the sake of this story, he doesn't.
Finally he 'landed' in his camping site. Walking away from the wreckage from the banshee, he entered the circle of talkative jackals. They replied with their new salute: "I love sporks." The elite nodded to acknowledge their salute and moved on. He next saw a group of grunts practicing running around crazily. One of them pretended he was the master chief and began shooting at the grunts. There were lots of casualties though, for some of them tripped on rocks and died of a broken ankle. After another quick glance, he continued walking.
He went into his personal tent and sat down. "Servant! Bring my food!" But, instead of his regular blue elite bringing him food, it was a marine painted blue and had a toilet paper tube strapped to his face. He was carrying a rather large platter. The odd thing is that the platter is ticking.
"Ahem… RAWR… um… RAWR RAWR!" He said.
What he was trying to say: "Lunch is served you smooth headedness."
What he really said: "I had mushy diarrhea. It consisted of human testicles."
"Rawr rawrrrrr rawr rawr." He responded. Which meant: "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU EATING?"
The marine just stared at him as if his brain got overloaded with information. He then suddenly remembered something. He dropped the platter on the elite's desk and ran, pushing covenant out of the way screaming "MOVE BITCH!"
I-am-mee looked at him confused. "Rawr rawr rawr?"
Translation: "That was awfully rude of him. Why is the platter ticking?"
BOOM!That was the third time this week. Luckily I-am-mee wears his gold armour everywhere. He likes gold. I think that would be the reason he's still a virgin. But that's also the reason he's still alive. Sex or life… it's a hard choice.
"Sigh…" he said, "won't these humans ever learn? These things only take down my shield. My health is almost untouchable." Beep Beep Beep RAWR RAWR RAWRRRR "Lunch is OVERRRRRR" "Ah well, it was a good lunch" he said, " Time to go." So he went.
SCENE CHANGE AGAIN!
"WOW! That sure was a nice ride," Said Chief as he took Cortana from what's left of the pelican, "I almost broke a finger."
"Enjoy it while it lasts." Bitched Cortana again " Dev mode is now gone. We're going to have to do this the old fashion way… Hello? Chief? I think I snapped his brain."
"No, I was just changing settings on my mouse sensitivity. What were you saying?"
"Um… Nevermind." Cortana said in fear of really snapping his brain, "Since I figured we are facing against hunters, I have called for some backup."
"Not those walking cannon fodder!"
"No… its…" Dare I say it? She thought, "SPNKr rocket launchers and ammo."
"I love you!"
"Ew. Let's go."
"Great. We could…"
By the time she started, the Chief's mind had already shifted into battle mode and was oblivious to any advice. He went up the path through a narrow valley between two rock walls. His radar detected movement. A shit-load of jackals had just been dropped off and the drop ships are taking off. He switched from his needler to his pistol and started killing from a distance. Every bullet hit. Soon, the ground was covered with purple blood and the green glow of their plasma pistols. Nice combination.
"How did you do that? Last time, you couldn't even pick off a grunt."
"Mouse sensitivity"
"Ah"
He continued and found there was a normal warthog conveniently located behind a rock. He took it and drove around the island to where the human drop ship crash-landed. There he found the holy grail of weaponry: an SPNKr rocket launcher with 5 reloads scattered around it. He also found pistol ammo. Too amazed for words, he switched his beloved needler for the rocket, got into the warthog and kept on going. It was then Cortana made Chief realize something very bad.
"Hey Chief!"
"Not now… Basking in the glow of the rocket."
"Look up to your left."
He did. The half demolished structure with the wrecked pelican sticking out of the side was there. There was also a small ramp, which he could have easily slipped down. It took him 5 seconds to realize that he could have just slid down the side. "Ah $#+" he said.
"Oh, by the way, there are green balls of plasma flying towards you from your front, back and on top." Cortana replied.
"I don't care! As long as I'm the warthog, I'm invincible!" BEEP! His shields went down "Maybe not. I'm going to just drive out of here now." That's what he did.
Seconds later…
The Master Chief, carrying his companion Cortana, walked away from the flaming wreckage of the warthog. Fragments of the windshield were still stuck in his armour. "How the heck did you manage to destroy a warthog?" Asked Cortana, "The game designed those things to be invincible!"
"What do you expect to happen when you detonate 9 grenades right under the fuel tank?" the Chief answered, "That the warthog would fly on top of the island?"
"But… Game… Halo… Reality… Ah, forget it."
"That's what I thought. Now let's get going."
The unlikely duo walked and walked and walked. Eventually they turned a corner and saw the huge covenant structure loaming overhead. They also saw 5 jackals huddled together gossiping how commander I-am-mee has an obsession about forking, spooning and the 'Spork'.
"Hmm… They are huddled in a group." Muttered Chief to himself, "An explosion will finish them off."
"Chief! Use the rocket!"
"Must save precious ammo!" He then threw a human grenade towards the group of Jackals. One of them just happened to turn around and the shield deflected the grenade right back at Chief. "F…"
BOOM!"Okay. I'm going to use the rocket now."
(Another) BOOM!
There was a huge black mark surrounded by an even bigger purple mark. The jackals' bodies splattered the surrounding area. "Ouch" said the Chief, "that must have hurt."
"It doesn't look that way." Cortana replied, "The user needs a new graphics card."
"Graphics card? Do I want to know what that is?"
"Sigh… the information would probably overload your puny little brain. Let's get going."
They walked a couple of steps when they found something that is really strange. A couple of hunters were lying in a pool of their own blood. And a smell that resembled the smell of the Pillar of Autumn's café lingered in the air.
"Oh no!" said the Chief, "I know that smell anywhere! Atomic 20-bean mega chilli surprise! I'd never thought they would actually use it!"
"Hey there Chiefy! Come over here and have some of my cooking!" Said one of the café ladies that were huddled over in a corner with the others and sharing recipes. I should mention that the chief was rather hungry.
"Chief! No time to chat! We need to go into the structure and activate the Cartographer! Why do my sensors indicate that there is a bio-hazardous fluid running down your digestive track? Oh no. Activating suit's emergency ventilation standby system. Beginning countdown to total liquidation!" ranted Cortana, "Super soldiers give super gas."
"Whatever" the green warrior replied. They then headed indoors with a nuclear bomb up their ass. To their amazement, the enemy has already been killed. "Hmm… these shots look like they have been made by a seasoned soldier. Could it be possible that the marines have killed them off? Probably." Muttered the Chief.
"How do you know that these shots are made be a professional?" Said Cortana
"Because they are head shots! Only the 1337 of the 1337 can do stuff like that! Oh holy 1337ness! You are better then the rocket!" said the Chief.
"I want to be loved too!" said a voice that came from his shoulder mounted rocket launcer.
"YOU CAN TALK MR. ROCKET?"
"No, hehe, I was just messing with your head. You humans are so manipulative" Said Cortana.
"Don't… ever… do that again!"
"Well… Chief! I sense movement!"
"Rocket time!"
They, with 'Mr. Rocket' rounded a corner and came face-to-face with a red elite. Because of the Chief's slow reactions, the elite had time to think.
"Hmm… it's a human in green armour. It bears major resemblance to the one they call the demon. Wait, is that an SPNKr human rocket launcher! Even with its primitive slow-traveling projectile ammunition, it's still my favourite gun! I heard that one of those things could take down a hunter in one shot! Why is the human backing away? He must either scared of my 1337ness, or he's going to fire the rocket… $#+"
BOOM!
Yep, that's how long the chief's reaction time is. Picking off grunts was easy after this. More walking and several 'BOOMS' later, the Chief heard some familiar squeaking.
"I spy with my little eye, something grey!"
"The wall!"
"How did you know?"
"Okay, my turn! I spy with my little eye, something that's glowing and spinning and blue"
"Silent Cartographer!"
"Wow! You are psychic!"
"Grrr…" the Chief growled. "Marines"
To be continued…
Author's Note: Damn… Long… Chapter… Read slower! It takes forever to write these things. Homework doesn't help either. How much money do you think I would get if I published and sold it? Put it in your reviews. JUST CLICK THE BUTTON!