Who can tell, save those that have tried. Sir (I forget his name, I just remember that he's a knighted person of a dude.)
A/N: This is my first self-inserted fic and it is purely for MY enjoyment so if anyone of you people flame me, I will personally- WE TAKE A SHORT INTERMISSION FROM THIS GIRL'S CURRENT RANTINGS FOR: REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF THAT GOES IN THE AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I despise Jon in Woman Who Rides Like a Man, and it will show so Jon lovers watch out. (That includes you, my dear Shravani Merugureddy!) Also, A/J SUCKS!
This takes place right before Trickster's Choice because Numair and Daine will be married but will not have a child or they're just frickin' lovers (I haven't decided yet). It's easier to rip them from Tortall that way.
BACK TO THE GIRL'S RANTINGS-So no flames, or else!
P.S.: I am currently listening to Walking on the Sun by Smashmouth (best group eva!) or Weird Al (ditto), or the soundtrack to Spamalot by Monty Python (SUPER DUPER DITTO)!
This in first person, by a Hoosier named Ellie. If you don't know what a Hoosier is, it is a person from the state of Indiana, USA. ----; Sometimes I hate being American.
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4.5 reading level! (Grade-wise)
Did you know that a standard high school/grade school bibliography has a 12.0 reading level? What the hell is wrong with the people that decide these things? A story should have a higher level than a stupid bibliography?
Day One:
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"Daine, I was wondering, maybe we should take a vacation from the palace. Everything in Tortall is quiet, at least, for now. Let's ask Jon after breakfast." Numair and Daine were walking down the halls, about to eat.
"Sure, Numair. But let's go to the tower, then let's go somewhere else after. I-" Daine was cut short as a glow came around the two of them. They both disappeared in a flash of white light.
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I, Ellie, was stuck, one again doing my brother's chores. My parents were gone, on a cruise (lucky bs can't cuss about other people's fortunes; they may hunt me down. cowers No! Don't take away my computer and Internet! Guess what? My brother "learned" from TV that you can "inherit" the Internet), and my brother was about to leave to be at a friend's house for the month that they would be gone. (Yes!) The only thing was that I had tons of chores and I had to call Ben's friend's house every other night-make sure he was turning in homework…boring but easy stuff. But, come on, he's younger than me. (But soon he'll be taller than me! . ; bad!)
I was currently putting up the last item from the dishwasher, a chef's knife, about to switch to doing the laundry. I heard someone slip behind me, since I also had just mopped the floors. Assuming it was my brother, I said, "Ben, Dude, how many times do I have to tell you? The BLEEPin' floor is wet. I am about to do all the million other chores you somehow got Mom to lay on me, and I am more than just agitated."
"I am very sorry to hear of your current problems, but is there a healer around? And who is this 'Ben' and what does 'Dude' mean?" That voice was absolutely not Ben's. Just stating, Ben is three years younger than me. The way the person talked, however, and his voice, seemed very familiar. Plus, Ben wasn't taller than me (yet) and the voice came from about a foot above my head. (Sometimes I hate being short.)
I grabbed the giant chef's knife I was about to put up, and spun around. There was a man whose only likeness I had seen was in sketches of characters from books. On the floor in a heap was a woman.
I dropped the chef's knife, and it then headed to stab my foot. The man quickly gestured as black-laced-with-silver fire caught it just in time, saving me from a trip to the hospital.
"Numair?" I gasped and fainted. (I guess I spoke too soon look above)
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When I woke up, I was in my parent's room, with the person that looked just like Numair and some woman with smoky brown hair talking in hushed voices.
"-and she said my name and just fainted. I did nothing other than save her from stabbing her foot with some big knife. When I looked for a place that I could put her, I found a room, but it was filled with things that were seemed more like a boy's than a girl's. The next room was probably hers, but it was so messy that I would have dropped her and broken my neck from tripping just trying to get to the bed. I finally found this room and she's been like this for a while."
"Dolt, you shouldn't have looked through the house, She might think us thieves, and now we'll have to explain ourselves, which we can't do. And then, how did she know your name in the first place?" I tried to sit up, still absorbing the shock of seeing a Tortallan (or is it Tortallian?). I decided to save Numair from Daine's wrath. After all, a chef's knife sticking out of your foot would be very painful. I wouldn't know, but can take an educated guess. .
"Hey, it's okay. I know that you're not trying to steal from me. That would have been George, and only when he was the Rogue, most likely. (suck up…) I know your names from something I'll explain later, when my head doesn't hurt so much. By the way, my name is Elaine, but you can call me Ellie. Ouch, my head! Numair, could you go into the bathroom across the hall and get me some Advil?"
When neither one reacted, I said, "Numair. Across the hall is the–uh–privy. In a cabinet over the sink will be many things. The thing that I need will be in a tiny white bottle that has the letters A-D-V-I-L on it. Bring that to me and I'll try to explain myself." He stared, then ran out of the room. "Shit, my head hurts."
Daine kept staring at me. I finally saw my dog, Lily the boxer, on the edge of the bed sitting attentively, looking from me to Daine. "Hey Daine, if it's not too much trouble, I would like to know at least one side of the conversation you seem to be having with my cute little puppy (cough- fat seven-year-old dog –cough)." Daine's sharpened her gaze on me as I said this (not the fat part). I must be hallucinating. No one from Tortall would be here. Trying to strike up a different conversation, I said, "So Daine. What the hell has happened to you lately?" Daine was still giving me the odd look, so I got up, deciding to check on Numair. He was playing with my hairdryer.
"Numair, did you find the medicine, or did you have to play with my hairdryer first?" I said, exasperated. He looked up, confused, and almost dropped my hairdryer into the toilet. I sidestepped Numair, got the stupid Advil, and took it with a glass of water before putting it back. I pulled him back into my parent's bedroom, got all of my Tamora Pierce Tortall books out of my room, and took them into the other room.
"So, where should I begin?"
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Baron George of Pirates' Swoop and King Jonathan were sitting in the library, discussing the mysterious disappearance of Tortall's black-robe mage and wildmage when Alanna burst in, very upset.
"Jon, have you seen Numair or Daine? I couldn't find them, and they never showed up for breakfast, and-Oh, hello George. Why aren't you at the Swoop?" The two men were taken aback at what a rush Alanna was in.
"Some of the servants had seen them walkin' to breakfast when a bright light engulfed 'em. They were gone the next moment. Jon here asked me t' come to see if I could help, without askin' some of the staff first." George now turned to Jon as he said, "I thought I had trained you better. You should have remembered that servants see most everything."
Jon looked sheepish as he said, "Yes, well I had thought that-" He was cut short as he saw Alanna and George start to glow. "Oh, shit. Not you two!" But it was too late. They were already gone.
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"And that is my laptop, named Lord Marvin W. Lazy-Butt. Numair, we can play twenty billion questions about my house later. Anything else for now?" I heard loud voices coming from the kitchen. One was cursing worse than I did, and the other had an accent that (other people agree with me) is very fun to type out. (I had it a lot worse, but if you check the books (American ones anyway) the only things that he cuts short is words ending in "ing" and the occasional "to". Anyway, ain't George hot?) I practically melted where I sat. "Alanna! George! Come up the stairs and you'll find Daine and Numair!" Why did I say that? It's not like they know me, and they'll think that I kidnapped Numair and Daine. Crap. We'd better go down to meet them. "Crap. We'd better go down to meet them."
I stupidly went first, not remembering that I was in a dead faint thirty minutes ago. As soon as I was in the kitchen doorway, purple fire bound my arms to my sides and my feet together. This is so cool! It was cool until George had out a dagger. Daggers are not cool. Maybe I can flatter them with titles.
"Hi Lioness, Baron. Um, Numair and Daine will be down here in a moment. Please don't kill me." I heard Numair in the den playing with the TV. Crap. "Daine?" I called, "Could you get Numair away from that? I'm about to die either from Alanna's magic or George's dagger." She came quickly, but Numair seemed to be watching a soap. Jimmy had just left Danielle, not knowing that it was because of her evil twin, Susan. I already knew what would happen, because I had seen it before. . Danielle will die from a broken heart, and-
"Alanna please put Ellie down. We were having a very interesting conversation about something called a laptop. This is a different realm, kind of like the realm of the gods compared to Tortall, but Alanna, no one native here will have any magic whatsoever. Instead, they have something called "electricity". She says that it isn't magic, but I disagree."
A yell came from the next room. "No Danielle! Just go talk to him! It was all because of Susan! Nooooooooo!" Everyone stared at me.
"He's watching a soap opera on TV. Daine, remember how I told you about sound and images coming from a screen? How it's a little bit like scrying without using magic?" She nodded. "Well, he's watching a show where there is a lot of mix-ups like evil twins and deaths and people who're two-timing, and all that crap. Most people think them cheesy, but I think Numair's really getting into the spirit. We had better save him."
Alanna released me finally and I ran into the den. I grabbed the remote saying, "A Knight's Tale is about to start. It's one of my favorite movies. We are watching it."
Because it was about to start in five minutes, I ran back into the kitchen and made five bags of popcorn, grabbed the three two-liter coke bottles and five cups and ran back into the room setting it all on the coffee table. What? Snacks are a tradition. pouts
"Are we missing anything?" Everyone stared at me. "It's a tradition to eat popcorn and have pop with a movie." I saw that Numair had changed it back to the soap opera.
I sighed. "Numair, if you want to watch that show, how about you go back to Ben's room? It's the clean one with boy's things. Turn the TV to channel to twenty-seven." He ran upstairs after grabbing one of the bags of popcorn. "Anyone else? Alanna, I hope that you'll like this movie. If not, we could always watch Monty Python's Holy Grail." Everyone kept staring at me. "Right. Cough. Well then." I changed the channel back to the movie.
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(For all of you people who know about A Knight's Tale, skip this until the Monty Python part unless you know about that too.
For everyone else, the movie is about a commoner that jousts, pretending to be a noble, to find his father because the son had to become an apprentice in a different city years ago or something. He gets found out that he is only a commoner, which is illegal, and yada-yada-ya.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail is a funny, random story about King Arthur and his knights trying to find the Holy Grail. It is very random and very funny mostly because it is preformed by the ALMIGHTY MONTY PYTHON GROUP! HELL YEAH! GO THEM! THEY ROCK EVERYONE'S FREAKIN' SOCKS OFF!
PS: Ni!)
Alanna had loved the movie, and when it was over, Daine went upstairs to get Numair. We all had decided to watch the Holy Grail. I went to make more popcorn. Alanna and George had seemed a little surprised about all the things in the den, like the touch lamps, speakers, type writer, computer, phone, my cell phone, the printer (what? My family is addicted to computers. We have one for each family member, and all but one are laptops. Sadly, two are from my parent's work and mine was used and by now near-obsolete. sigh), and of course the TV.
When it had been about twenty minutes, Daine found Numair quizzing me to death about the microwave, refrigerator, coffee machine, and every other electronic device in the room. I am so glad I paid attention in Tech Ed. and Science class.
"No, Numair. None of us here have the Gift, or wildmagic, or any other magic. UV rays are invisible, yes, but not due to a spell. I am not an electrician, so I cannot tell you much about electricity. I do have a How Things Work book in the library, but you can only read it if you read it in the den with us. I don't care if you think I'm bossy. Alanna is, and she now has George!"
I was slumped in a chair, getting the full blast of Numair's questions. Goddess, why do you let a man like this live in Tortall? I wish Thayet was here. I have a few questions myself to ask about letting this man run loose in Tortall- My thoughts were cut short as I saw two figures arguing about a Beltane ball appear out of a flash of light. When the light receded, I saw two figures that must have been Jon and Thayet standing in my kitchen. "Majesties! Welcome. Alanna, George, Daine and Numair are in the den. Excuse me as I faint." I, once again, fainted. Did you know that according to someone's fanfic, Neal says that men "pass out" rather than faint? Haha…stupid guys…
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When I woke up this time, I was still on the kitchen floor. Everyone was crowded around me. "God, please let this all go away. Kill me right now if you want, just make this insanity stop!"
Numair started asking me questions again. "Do you remember doing something right before you fainted or before Jon and Thayet came-OW!" Daine thankfully hit him on the head.
I closed my eyes again, trying to answer the questions. "Before each one of you got here, I was pretending/not pretending to ask the Goddess about Tortall. The first time was if she could spare Numair and Daine. The second was about Alanna and George. The third time, I wanted to ask Thayet about why Numair isn't locked up in a very tall tower. I like it how Daine was hitting him. Thank you Daine for hitting him."
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A little later, we were all getting hungry. We decided to have supper during the movie to go with the popcorn, I ordered pizza. That was a mistake in itself.
"Okay, what do you guys want on the pizzas?" I had explained pizza to them, but had forgotten to mention the fact that there were thousands of toppings. "Okay. Does anyone want pepperoni-" Crap, Daine might not want that. Check the books! Okay, it says here that she's okay with fish, chicken, and-it does not mention pork anywhere. I'll ask Numair. I whispered in Numair's ear, "Does Daine eat pork?" He looked at me, surprised. He probably didn't think about that.
"Is there something without meat that she could have? It would be safest." I nodded and went back to the phone.
"Okay, could I have one cheese, one pepperoni, one supreme, and one Hawaiian? Thanks. Delivery. Wait, could you make that a pick-up? Put it under Janks. Thank you."
"So, who wants to go with me to pick up the pizzas? Numair, you have to come or else you might blow up the house. We'll leave in ten minutes. I'll set a timer, and could someone some and get me when it goes off? I'm going out back with Lily. Lily! Let's go play fetch babes!" I grabbed my sweatshirt because the days were getting colder, and headed out back.
I went to the back yard with Lily. First we tried the Frisbee. It worked pretty well until it went into the woods. Crap. "Okay, Lils. We're going to try the tennis ball now. Today, I want to be the one that throws it and stands I place. I don't want it to be like yesterday where you made me both throw it and retrieve it." A laugh came from behind me. I turned around and saw Thayet dressed in a ball gown. I must have taken her when she was trying on dresses. Whoops. She stared at my sweatshirt. I had gotten it from the Internet. It was a pale pink, but on it was written Prettier Than Thayet. (They really have those on the Internet. Go to the official Tamora Pierce website, and there's a link to a page that will let you buy them.) Whoops again.
"Um, Majesty, about my sweatshirt-"
"No, no. It's perfectly alright as long as you quit calling me Majesty. Where did you get that shirt?"
"Um, it was a store, but I can go to it without leaving my house. Whatever I buy is then delivered to me. I could get you one if you like. By the way, my name's Elaine, friends call me Ellie."
"I'm Thayet, though I suspect you already know that. I would like one of your "sweatshirts". I came out here to tell you that something is beeping, and we don't know how to turn it off. Alanna wants to know if she can blast it with magic to make it stop."
"No! I better hurry before they reck my house!" I ran back inside, to find black fire around the timer, and George holding back Alanna so that she wouldn't kill the timer. Jon was just sitting in a chair, doing his own (prissy) thing.
"Hello Majesty. Now everyone, your first lesson will be how to turn off a timer. Okay, you walk over to the stove, and you push the button that says 'off.' Very good, class." George let go of Alanna, and Numair called his magic back so that I could press the little innocent button. sigh
"Second lesson: clothing. Guys, go raid Ben's and my dad's closet; gals follow me."
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That was an event unto its self.
Because Thayet had shown such an interest in my sweatshirt, I gave it to her. The girls' outfits were as follows: Daine was wearing an outfit given to me by my friend Bizzy, a blue shirt with a silhouette of a rearing horse, navy jeans, walking boots, and a black sweatshirt with a pack of wolves in the moonlight. Alanna was wearing faded jeans, a purple shirt, and sandals. Finally, Thayet was wearing a red somewhat close fitting shirt (that my mom would wear to semi-formal places), black jeans, a jean jacket, (my sweatshirt,) and gray and red Pumas. I had decided to put on a different sweatshirt, this one was WEST SIDE (my school) colors, gray and scarlet, and Pumas matching Thayet's.
Guys: picture dress shirts, jeans, and Nikes. (Veeeeerrrrry hot collage guy look.)
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"Third lesson: what is a car. If you all just follow me to the garage, I can show you guys the van." It took about ten minutes because Numair had to stop and examine with his Gift almost every electronic device on the way. I finally opened the garage door and walked over to the green Honda Odyssey. I got into the driver's seat and turned on the engine. I noticed that everyone was still at the door, just staring.
"Will it eat me?" Daine whispered.
"Wha-? Oh, the van. No it's perfectly safe. I am perfectly capable of driving it, unlike most teenagers around here. Anyway, if we don't leave, we'll never get supper!" That brought everyone in quicker then I thought it would.
It took a few moments for everyone to find a seat. There were seven people, and seven seats, so we just barely fit. Thayet sat next to me in the front; Alanna and George were in the middle row; and Numair, Daine, and Jon were in the back. As I looked back to tell everyone how to put on a seatbelt, I saw Jon. For a moment I just stared coldly at him before shaking myself out of it and turning back to the wheel. I took out a CD, Toby Keith (country music), and put it in the player, much to the surprise of my guests.
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Soon enough, there were four pizzas and three more two-liter coke bottles in back.
When I opened the door and put my bag in the kitchen, I saw Jon in the den. Without his knowledge, I glared at the back of his head until Daine interrupted my thoughts. "Um, Ellie? Do you have a copy of that book you lent Numair? We can't separate him from it."
"Oh, that? No, it's fine. Numair can keep it if he wants too. I'm going to be upstairs for a while. Call if you need me." I then went up to my personal bathroom, wanting a long shower. Alas, with six Tortallians in my house, I would need to make it as quick as possible. As I went into my room, I realized that it was clean by my standards. Break his neck, ha! Messy. As if.
I took a quick inventory of my room, so that I could notice if anything was broken when I came back. I had all of my Tortall books in a corner, right next to the binders full of other people's fanfics. They were organized in a very simple fashion: the girl died, the boy died, fluffy stories that almost anyone can read, rated T+ fluff, and humor/parodies. On the door was a life-size sketch of Jon that I did. Embedded in the image's neck was a very sharp exacto knife and a ninja star in his forehead. On my bed somewhere under all of the clothing and sheets was my diary. Really it was more of a sketchbook with some rantings on certain pages. (it sadlyreally exists.)
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"So, what is everyone's thought on this place?" While I was upstairs, six people out of ten in the top-ten-most-important-people-in-Tortall list had called a meeting.
"I like her, and Lily, the dog, had said that she was nice when she came out of her room every once-in-a-while. I wonder what's so important in there?"
"Well, we could always check." George had a special glint in his eye at the prospect of doing rogue work again.
"That wouldn't be very grateful after how Ellie's been treating us." Alanna didn't like going into a strange room, which could be trapped. This remark, however, made Thayet remember something.
"Has anyone seen Elaine staring at Jon strangely? I caught her look at him like she wanted to-well-kill him while we were picking up supper." Jon looked up, surprised, and a little bit afraid.
"I saw her glaring at him through the kitchen doorway. It was just a few minutes ago." Daine didn't like the prospect of spying on their host, either, but she had to know why an otherwise nice girl had something against the king.
"All the more reason to check the lass's rooms." George got up and walked up the stairs. The others quickly followed.
George made quick work of my room. He went straight to my bed and searched through the sheets. He found my diary/sketchbook. "Got it! Now let's leave before the lass comes back in."
"Wait. Let's take a look at these books and folders. They all seem to be about Tortall." They divided the pile so that Numair, Daine, and Alanna each had binders or the books. Thayet had been keeping watch, and Jon was being a priss.
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Dear Journal,
Jon is the biggest ass in Tortall. When Alanna is with the Bloody Hawk, it just shows it even more. I for one can't see what Alanna saw in him. She and Thayet are way to good for him. I have been an A/G fan since day one. George is so cute! Who wouldn't want the Rogue? If I couldn't be Alanna, I would be Rispah. Queen of the Rogue and cousin to George! What girl wouldn't want that?
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Dear Journal,
Numair's sweet. He's so nice to Daine. I don't see why Daine would like Jon, but she doesn't know about what happened…I'm going to have to like Jon more seeing as how nice he is to Daine, but he's still an ass. Plus, Shravani keeps saying how hot he is…he still is a fuckin' ass.
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Dear Journal,
The D/N pairing took me by surprise, but I think they're perfect for each other. (fanfics helped convince me)
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Dear Journal,
Aly-hold on, I have to walk Lily.
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When George read these out loud as well as showing the sketches, for a moment everyone just stared in shock. Jon was blushing and Daine looked confused, trying to remember what Ellie was talking about when she was talking about how Jon was an ass. Numair had a similar expression on his face, though his was because he was trying to decide if he could use a "light bulb" in one of his experiments.
The first person to speak was Daine, and when she did, she spoke slowly and with great hesitation. "Alanna, what did Ellie mean when she talked about when you were in the Bloody Hawk? Why would she hate Jon?" Alanna and Jon blushed, and George and Thayet looked very much like they wanted to be far, far away.
"Um, we-uh-had an argument which-um-displayed our worst features in the process. And uh-um-" Alanna was cut short by my entrance.
"Oh. Hey guys. I have finally started figuring out where everyone will sleep. Do you want me to come back later or something?"
"Oh, no, it's fine. We were just talking," Alanna said, looking relieved.
"Okay…anyways, any preferences with sleeping?"
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IM conversation with Bizzybee10976(Barbara), IchallengeYOUtoFENCING!(Hugh), Steakiemented1963(Anjona), AandGforever(Shravani), SamopolitanStar101 (Samantha), and LionessofWESTSIDE!(Ellie) at 9:47:56 p.m. Eastern Time
LionessofWESTSIDE!: Hey gals! (except for Hugh, in which case, Hey you!)
You ready for another meeting of the Court tomorrow? I had some unexpected guests arrive, but other than that, it's all good. Would it be o.k. with everyone if I brought them? They're really cool, and Shrav, you know them! .
Bizzybee10976: fine by me
IchallengeYOUtoFENCING: Hey! Why don't you next time say: Hey peeps! Or guys or people or-anyways…don't say gals and then me. But sure. Do any of them know fencing?
LionessofWESTSIDE: Actually, yeah. At least three of them know the sword. .
IchallengeYOUtoFENCING!: Awesome. I'll bring extras, then.
LionessofWESTSIDE!: Barbara, they all know riding, so could you keep the horses handy? Shrav? Anj? Sam? How ya'll feel about the invasion of others? .
AandGforever: Don't call me Shrav, Elle. So, if I know them, who are they?
LionessofWESTSIDE!: You'll just have to find out later. Two words, though: Stork and man. Hey, Anj, could you bring your laptop? I'll bring mine as well. .
AandGforever: … racks brain
Steakiemented1963: I'm okay with it and sure. What about you Sam?
SamopolitanStar101: I can't come, guys. pouts
Bizzybee10976: Why can't ya?
AandGforever: Why?
Steakiemented1963: What do you mean?
LionessofWESTSIDE!: What they said.
IchallengeYOUtoFENCING!: What did you do this time:-D
LionessofWESTSIDE: We should be asking that of thou, oh magnificent spray paint and stencils freak. Your dad is still pissed after you and your brother "accidentally" sprayed the house w. guns instead of the cardboard. .
IchallengeYOUtoFENCING: …
LionessofWESTSIDE: This guy right here isn't allowed to touch paint of any kind until he's forty.
Steakiemented1963: Ouch.
AandGforever: Harsh.
SamopolitanStar101: With all the stunts you pull, Hugh, I doubt you'll live to be forty.
Bizzybee10976: Forget forty, try twenty-five!
LionessofWESTSIDE: omg! one of the peeps just broke my new CD player. Gotta go!
LionessofWESTSIDE! Has signed off
IchallengeYOUtoFENCING: Oh shit! I have fencing in ten minutes! I gotta jet!
IchallengeYOUtoFENCING! Has signed off
Bizzybee10976: Crap. It's my turn to go sweep the barn tonight. Bye!
Bizzybee10976 Has just signed off.
SamopolitanStar101: That was weird. Could you tell them tomorrow that I have to babysit my little cousin. I'M NOT EVEN GETTING PAID FOR THIS!
AandGforever: … still racking brain Yep. Sure.
Steakiemented1963: Should we just leave?
AandGforever Has signed off
SamopolitanStar101: Guess that's a yes.
Steakiemented1963: signing off.
Steakiemented1963 Has signed off.
SamopolitanStar101: sighs
SamopolitanStar101 Has logged off.