The final part of this long book,
Which I have pained long to write
Won't you please take a look?
With the reader's unforgiving sight.
And when you're done with this story
Review, for it is your duty!
This thing is neither bloody nor gory
So review, plus, it has no nudity!
Funny, this piece I wrote
Talk like Yoda, I do!
Laughter and suspense, this story, I coat.
When I'm finally done, I'm going to eat stew.
Enjoy this last part of the epic story
Plus, I hope this isn't too bory. (Boring with a 'y')
The above is a sonnet I wrote in semi-Shakespeare style!
Now, to the story!I-am-mee calmly walked to where he 'parked' his banshee. He walked over the hill, which hid his craft from sight. "Oh yea," he said as he saw it, "The little problem." He headed back to camp where he picked up a human relic. It was an emergency radio. "Ahem…" he said into the radio in perfect English, "We wish to evacuate some fellow fighters that are not covenant. We are doing our best to hold them off with our plasma… er… assault rifles but are loosing ground. We see a clearing where you can land but not get hit. Hurry! Did I mention that we are not covenant?"
"Good one sir!" butt-kissed another elite that was by his side.
"Hi there hot stuff!" replied a seductive female human from the radio, "You want to have some fun? The cost is 30$ per minute. Do you accept?"
The blue elite just stared at the gold elite who stared back. The blue elite, who has absolutely no self-control, broke into an unnaturally wide grin (even for an elite) and shouted into the receiver of the radio, "YES! OH GOD YES!"
"Whatever," thought the commander, "But this is coming out of his pay check. He's going to have a diet of marine candy bars for a few months. Oh well, I didn't like human devices anyways. I've got a better idea."
"Grunt!" said the gold elite "Give me your plasma pistol." The grunt obliged out of obvious fear. I-am-mee overcharged it, aimed it into the air and closed his eyes in extreme concentration. He then lowered his arm to a 45-degree angle and fired. The bolt flew high up at incredible speeds and smashed into the cockpit of a wandering pelican. The driver, being incredibly old, got disoriented by the flashing light, and luckily crash-landed right in front of I-am-mee. But sadly, that was where the grunt was standing. The Elite climbed inside the crashed pelican and pulled out the driver. He name tag said "Solid Snake" Sighing at the game designer's sense of humour, he tossed aside the person and commandeered the pelican. It took him a while to figure out the controls, but he did eventually. He flew, according to the radar, to the silent cartographer. On his way there, he met a covenant drop ship that easily out ran him. He was thinking that maybe the pelican has a turbo drive. But after searching around for a while, he didn't find any. "Sigh…" he said to himself, "By the time I get there, this level is going to be over."
"Marines!" call the Master Chief, "Come out!" Barney poked his head out of a corner. He then motioned the others to come. Whispers and mutters echoed amongst the crowd. They were having doubts about the Chief's loyalty, but he was their only chance of getting out of there. They decided to let him live… for now. They would do nasty stuff to him in his sleep later. The Chief oddly felt guilty about ditching the marines and decided to finally confess the truth to them, "Look, I know I haven't been a good comrade and all, ditching you and leaving you alone. That's because I was scared, but I felt guilty and came back. Now I'm here. Will you ever forgive me?"
"No." They all said simultaneously.
"Oh… Okay then… Let's get out first. You can try to kill me later." Noticing something, Master Chief looked around and saw a huge pile of dead covenant. He then looked back at the marines. "How come you guys can only do useful things only when I'm not here?"
Moving on, they walked up the blood-stained corridor and they were about to head up a ramp when they saw three jackals coming down. "Evasive manoeuvres!" Barney cried. The marines all ducked behind something. Suddenly, nine pistol shots went off and the three jackals were dead. The chief looked at Kyle who looked back. Both their pistols were smoking. "Let's go." Chief said as Kyle took out a plasma pistol, overcharged it, and went in front of the chief.
The door opened at the end of the ramp. The sound surprised an unlucky jackal on the other side. A single bullet to the head quickly silenced him. His teammates heard the noise and readied their shields at the direction. Once they spotted their enemies, they started firing. (Obviously!) Kyle quickly took cover behind the chief and fired the overcharged pistol. It bursted a covenant shield rather fast. The shield's owner also died pretty fast after that too. These actions were repeated for the other Jackals who's AI didn't include 'adapting to simple tactics'. "All clear." Barney said, "Move out." As soon as they did, a rain of plasma came down from above. They took cover again under the place where the covenant were standing.
"Okay." Said Barney, "Let's not move out. We need a plan and we need one fast. There are covenant are on top of us and are impeding our progress. We need some way to take them out."
"Well… I do have a rocket launcher." Said the Chief. Usually, he would not take simple suggestions from his teammates, but in this case, the marines have proven themselves to be at least a bit useful. He will let them live. "I could move in and blow the $#+ out of them." That exactly what he did. Grunts and blood flew everywhere. An elites were crying in pain due to shrapnel in the eyes.
"F-YOU! I-CANT-SEE!" Cried the blue elite.
"Yes?" replied Efyou Icantsee, (Sound it out) who was the red elite that was stand around the corner. The blast also detonated some dropped grenades making the blast even more exciting.
"Heh… N00b." Kyle muttered, but his voice was lost in the explosion. "Sigh… Let's get moving people"
They moved and moved. They came up some ramps and found two decaying hunters. Several marines stopped to fork and spoon the hunters' dead bodies. "Tasty!" quoted a random marine. "Even better when it's been left for a while!" quoted another. While some marines were feasting, other was standing around while the Chief and Kyle was taking care of remaining covenant scum. After a few gruesome murders and two mutilations, they 'team' finally moved on.
Coming to the last room where only a short corridor was between them and freedom, the group met heavy resistance. There were one blue elite, one red elite, a handful of grunts and a couple of jackals. Barney, who was hidden behind Foehammer, fired his stolen plasma rifle futilely against a blue elite. Foehammer, herself, carried her trusty M6D pistol and was making the elite do funky dance moves by shooting various parts of its body. Unknown to her, the elite was actually playing Dance Dance Revolution using his high-tech covenant dancing suit complete with energy shield. Eventually, the stream of pistol bullets wore his shield away and he eventually died. But he honourably died DANCING!
While they were doing that, Mr. X had already circled around back and was picking off grunts and jackals with his pistol. The Master Chief was happily 'bowing stuff up with his wocket launcha' (See author's note about this). Kyle was impossibly duel wielding a plasma pistol and a human pistol at the same time, and he was pwning left and right. As for the rest of the marines, they had paired off with so that a soldier welding a plasma weapon could take down the opponent's shield while the other soldier could finish it off with a human weapon. In no time at all, the room was clear. "Let's go!" the Chief muttered through the com-link with his fellow teammates.
"Why did you use the com-link?" said Kyle, "We're right here."
The chief gave Kyle an evil glare, which quickly shut Kyle up.
(That's impossible, but Kyle could duel wield.)
They walked around the room looking for a way out. Eventually, they found a corridor and went in with the Chief leading them. The turned a corner and ran head first into a gold elite. (Literally) The elite was bumped back and swiped the air in front of him with his energy sword. This gave the lone Spartan enough time to ready the rocket launcher and fire it. CLICK! He had no ammo left. Just as the elite elite was about the cut the Chief in to little bits, Kyle jumped in. "STOP! He is unarmed! It is dishonourable!" The elite seemed to understand what the human was saying. It calmly reached into his ammo pack and pulled out a metal Spork. He gave it to the Chief.
"Rawr." I-am-mee said.
Translation: "Here's the ultimate human weapon: The Gundamanium plated, Aldurium reinforced, Energy shield coated Spork!"
The Chief looked confused. "You've got to be kidding…" He didn't have time to finish that sentence because he was dodging the rods of super-hot plasma that was coming at him. He dodged into a corner. He had no choice but to block… with a Spork. FLASH! The Spork's shields shimmered but it held, keeping the beams of deadly plasma away from the chief's head. The Chief then rolled between I-am-mee's legs and stood up behind him doing something that was… bad. The next thing I-am-mee felt was an energy-shielded Spork going up his butt. Wincing from pain, the elite swung his sword around in an attempt to chop off the chief's head. The chief ducked. "Too predictable." He muttered. He immediately pulled the Spork out from… that place and caught the energy sword that was coming from above with the forky part. They were locked in a position with the elite trying to bring the energy sword onto the Chief's head, which was trying to push it away with the Spork.
"10 Seconds to total liquidation!" Said Cortana. "You'd better get out of here fast before that Café ladies' cooking comes out in nasty ways."
"Kinda busy here"
"7 Seconds"
"Ahhhhh!"
"4"
"3
"2"
"1"
"Opening exhausts vents!"
Hearing what Cortana said, I-am-mee panicked and jumped out a window. "AHHhhhh…"
(To explain this, I have put it in I-am-mee's point of view.)
I-am-mee's point of view…Hm… This human fights good. He would make a good leader. What! Countdown? Oh no! I didn't think they would actually use the café ladies' cooking! I'm going to die a slow and painful death! Must escape! "AHHhhhh…"
Back to regular point of view"Well… That was weird," said Cortana.
"Duck and hold your breath! Emergency suicide manoeuvres!" Screamed the Chief as everyone tried to slit their wrists with their assault rifles.
"Whoops, due to an error in my calculations, you still have around 2 minutes before the nuke in your butt goes off." Informed Cortana, "Closing exhausts vents. Going back to red alert."
"Calm down marines. It was just a drill. For now, I think that Foehammer should go with me but the rest of you stay here." Said the Chief.
Mummers of agreement filled the air. "So it is decided." Barney said, "We'll defend this fortress from the covenant and wait again for you to come back. Foehammer will be Chief's back up. No Kyle! You can't go with chief to show your shiny ass off."
"Party pooper." Kyle cursed under his breath, "And my ass isn't shiny. It's hairy." Everyone's eye simultaneously started twitching.
"… I'm going to go now." And so the chief went.
After a while…
"I'm tired!" Foehammer said, "Let's take a rest."
"But we've only walked up two ramps. You can still hear the marines talking about the regurgitation of unspoken bodily fluids… I think they do that just to sound tough."
"Right…" Foehammer said.
"Whatever, let's get going soldier" The Chief ordered as he stepped right into a cloaked elite. The elite whacked him in the head taking down his shield. "ow" He countered by stabbing the legendary spork into the elite's stomach, then brought it up through his heart. Another cloaked soldier of the covenant sneaked up behind the green giant and was about to finish him off, when Foehammer, with her excellent eye, spotted it and planted a pistol bullet in its brain.
"We've got to go! Atomic eruption in 30 Seconds!" Ordered Cortana. Master Chief grabbed Foehammer as if she was a teddy bear and sprinted out of the building at top speed (50 mph), where they conveniently found a pelican parked there. Foehammer got in and revved up the engines. The rockets roared and the pelican lifted off with two or three invisible elites firing at it. (Can't tell because they are invisible.) The Chief was providing cover fire while the pelican was taking off. Some plasma bolts charred his armour.
"That's not supposed to happen…" thought Cortana, "his armour wasn't supposed to char""We're clear"
"Alright. Land right there. I have to go… badly."
Several Hours Later"So that's why they call it 'Death Island' on the inter-net." the Chief looked down at the dump he just made. It was killing all the vegetation and wild life in a 5-Km radius. Even when he was around 750M up in the air, it was still visible and it still smelled horrible. To avoid any witty comment from Cortana, he took out her AI chip and placed it one of his ammo pouches. "Anyways, I think we should wait a while before we assault the control room."
"Yea…"
"Hmm…" the Chief said sensing something is missing, " Y0U R0XX3RZ /\/\Y B0XX3RZ" He quickly winced after saying that.
"That's nice."
"Huh?" he said, relaxing, "By now, you would have dealt more damage to me then a 20-elite pwnage. What's wrong?"
"I was just thinking… Why do we have to kill? Can't we solve this problem diplomatically? What the hell does the covenant want from us to want to kill us so badly? I'm sick of all this meaningless slaughter. They kill us, so we kill them. It's pointless. The prophets are wrong. They are just a bunch of power-hungry fools. But if they are fools, then why do people follow their so-called teachings? Arrggg! The world is such a confusing place. I wish this would all stop." Foehammer said.
The Master Chief was widely confused by this. But remembering the events that happened, especially with the logic of the exploding warthog, the burnt armour, the Spork killings and the invincibility of dev-mode, things finally made sense. He put his gloved hand over the pilot's shoulder. He felt her tremble at his touch. (Probably from pain) "We are in a game called Halo. We are living inside a game with reality brought onto it when Cortana and I entered the realm of multiplayer. Right now, there is a much bigger conflict going on in this universe, much bigger then the war between covenant and humans. Right now, in this game, you are able to re-spawn when you die. However, when the Halo universe was tainted by reality, this will become naught a game but a universe and will be imprinted upon time and space as a real event. In that, death is final. There will be no glitches: such as a person being both invincible and invisible. Like I said, death is final. No exception… no re-dos. Now, this is the final and ultimate battle not between the civilians of this world, but between this game and the real world. This is Halo Vs. Reality."
"So, basically, you screwed us up."
"… Yea."
THE END… finallyAuthor's Note: Thank you dear reviewers and curse you who didn't review. I have poured my life and soul into this story. I have lost my job, my girlfriend, and my 1337 status on Halo multiplayer because of this story. That's how dedicated I am to this story… so I hope you have enjoyed this because, having no life and nothing to live for, I am going to slit my wrists with an assault rifle while penning out the script for Wing Commander 2. (For all you non-nerds out there, that is where "all your base are belong to us" came from.) LOL, just kidding. If you would like me to continue this story onto the assault on the control room, review me about it. I need to get at least 5 reviews on this subject before continuing this story. About the "bowing stuff up with his wocket launcha" part, that's just an inside joke. Long story short: my brother can't pronounce words well.
PS: Just kidding. I'm doing fine. But thank you for asking. There is going to be one more chapter after this. It's a parody of Halo: Combat Evolved (the full version). I have recently switched from demo to full. Real funny. Must read.
PPS: I'd like to give thanks to Panda Bear (Shenyu) for… um… something, I forgot. I'd also like to give thanks to Emily, my girl friend for giving me inspiration for jokes. If you are reading this: thanks for the good time we had last night. I know you weren't faking. I also can't forget Bungie for making this awesome god of a game. Oh yes… Panda Bear (Shenyu) gave me REVIEWS!