Ignorance is bliss.
Ignorance is bliss.
Ignorance is bliss.
Dim-witted child I was to think that destroying anything that resembled him and her would make it all stop. I was wrong. I was dead wrong.
I was terrified that he was there, in the church, waiting for me. I know my brother thought something out of place was going on as I constantly kept tossing nervous glances in the back. Every time I looked, I expected to see him standing at the alcove with those blazing amber orbs that I grew to loathe and fear. Yet, every time I did there was only Miss Reynolds singing. Tony never said a word, probably thinking his older sister was just weird. I wish that was the case.
I decided around then I would not call those two by name. They were him and her now. She found it amusing and laughed all the time, making me unnerved. But what really got to me was the lack of contact between him and myself.
It was almost like he disappeared from my life, though that wasn't true. He most likely knew that I caught on to his plan and put some space between us. Or he wanted to sit back and watch how my life was beginning to fall apart. Anyway, if it wasn't her slipping into my actions, it was his unique way of making me turn to paranoia.
I could hear him singing in my head. I wasn't sure if it were her memories of the Master or if he was actually there.
I wanted to tell someone of my predicament so badly. My attempt to gain Maggie's help had fallen through and since she avoided me by all costs, my chances of aligning with her were infinitesimal. And to my horror and despair, I could not speak of this. My throat would somehow clog up and the words would die as soon as they reach my tongue. It was her doing I'm sure of it. She did not want me to expose her lover's secrets. It was then I realize I no longer had freedom of speech. She controlled every word I said (if it wasn't to her liking I would choke up) and my thoughts were no longer private.
She taunted me profusely about my crush on Trey and reminding me of who my love would eventually be because of my childish infatuation. I cried myself to sleep everyday and whenever I was alone. I was a prisoner in my own body with little salvation of being who I once was. I was censored by a ghost inside of me who wanted to live.
My outlook on my existence was all gray and black. I had become a living puppet who answered to two masters and no one… no one knew what was happening to me.
Lies were my escape from suspicion (or should I say, for her) and I continued my debut performance in this charades. On the outside, I appeared to be normal with little worries while in the inside I was screaming for help, heading towards a massive hysteria attack. I was hollow with little spark of life to continue.
Had I thought of suicide?
Oh yes. More times than I could count, but such distressing notions weren't allowed to her Highness and were eradicated immediately. If I were to die then her once in a lifetime chance to live would be gone. I would rather burn in Hell for suicide then experience this own personal Hell. But I no longer could make choices of what I wanted. That was long forfeited when I had asked him for singing lessons.
After a couple of weeks of my newfound revelation concerning the former lovers, I received an unexpected gift.
I was home alone watching Tony when he came to me with a long, slim white box in his hands and a note attached to the top. My name was written in a fanciful script and for a moment I fawned over the present like a schoolgirl. That was her and snatched the box from my brother's hands and greedily ran to my bedroom.
Door secured and locked, I helplessly watched as my hands ripped the envelope off and ripped through to get at the letter inside. It was an out-of-body phenomenon, where I had no control what my body was doing at the time and I could only observe. This was the first I lacked mobility and it frightened me terribly. How soon would this be?
I believe God was on my side this time, for once the letter laid nestled in the palm of my hands I had the reins. This didn't sit well for her and she wailed. Curiosity had gotten the best of me and I wanted to know who this was from. It appeased her that I was doing this and she quieted as I scanned the message.
Even though my name was used, it was obvious the letter was for her from whom else? But there were hints for me. His words didn't jump out and say what he was doing, but the meaning was clear. He was following me, ensuring progress was going as he hoped and was pleased to see how much was made (that was for her). He had 'soon' scrawled out at the bottom and the boldness of the print caused me to shudder.
Once the note was read, it became shredded and I groped for the box. To my shock, there was a full bloom blood red rose. The thorns were removed but his trademark ribbon wasn't there. She was tickled with delight (if that were possible) and the eagerness was forced on my sordid countenance. I stared hard at the flower, a surge of apathy flowing through my veins. Cursed rose, so beautiful and perfect, selected to show love that my hands quivered as I held the stem.
All it took was one snap and it laid in two by my feet.
She let a wretched scream in my head, but I smiled grimly at my victory. And to continue to show my gratitude, I crushed the petals with my foot.
This rose was followed by more. One by one there would be a thorn or two left as the bloom of the rose grew darker and smaller until the last one was dead. The letters all carried the same message with soon, soon, soon.
What did 'soon' mean? It could have been a bunch of reasons concerning my presence. I was afraid, so deeply afraid.
Oh, I must pause for a few moments. It's time for me to recolor my hair. I found it a great comfort to disguise my brunette tresses and I do so every month with a new shade. I cannot believe the different types of colors that even existed!
But to hurry up, I knew my time was running out and I had to make a decision. Should I let them win or should I put up a fight and try to live?
Ignorance is bliss.
If only I had found solace in that expression and I wouldn't be where I am or what I had to do.
The point of no return fled me and as my opportunity was slowly approaching, I was inches away from the brink of losing my soul forever…
TBC…