Chapter Four: The Grey Dawn

It started slowly. So slowly, in fact, that Leana didn't really notice anything changing. But after a few days, Leana began to notice her year mates were avoiding her.

"Do you think I've done something to offend them?" she asked Gena at lunch when all four of her year mates decided not to eat with them.

Gena looked over at the table across the hall, studying the students. "I don't think it has anything to do with you, Lena." Gena told her. Leana raised her eyebrow and Gena continued, "They're sitting at the table with the Heralds. My guess is that your year mates are trying to fit in with the others."

Sera grimaced from across the table. "If anyone is being snubbed, it's us. We aren't Heralds." Sera was tying to look insulted, but the smile playing at her lips ruined the effect.

Leana laughed at her friend, "Well, I'll try to put up with you lot for a while longer before I desert you in favor of the Heralds' superior company."

"I'm glad to hear that," Robin said as he and Greggie found seats at the table. "I'd hate to lose you now."

Greggie chuckled, "As if you wouldn't be half a step behind Leana if she did decide to switch tables."

"And then we'd all follow," Sera continued. "So, don't think you can get away from us that easily."

Leana pretended to consider the situation. "You do realize there aren't enough seats over at the Herald table."

:Don't forget you and Gena have available laps to sit on.: Yonell teased.

Leana choked and tried to stop herself from turning red.

"What?" asked Jewly. "What did your companion say?" Leana only shook her head, not ready to speak. Jewly turned to Sera. "It's just not fair. Companions have the best gossip in the kingdom and the only ones they share it with are their Heralds."

Yonell's cheery voice added :And we have the advantage of knowing what's true. Like how cute you and Robin were last night when he--:

"Yonell!" Leana exclaimed, putting her face in her hands.

Sera looked over at Jewly and smiled. "If we can't get the goods out of Lena, then we'll just have to pump Robin for information."

"True," Jewly replied. "Anything that turns Leana's face that color must've been caused by Robin."

Leana was grateful to see Robin's face begin to turn color.

"Ooh, yes," Sera continued. "Robin could make anyone blush. Especially since he and a certain friend of ours missed dinner yesterday."

Robin's face deepened to match Leana's. She knew there was no reason to be embarrassed. She and Robin had just enjoyed a picnic last night. The days wouldn't be nice for much longer and they had wanted to take advantage of that. Robin had decided to be silly and pretend he was Lord calling on a highborn Lady. The whole situation was absurd and Leana had enjoyed every minute of it. And Yonell had left them in privacy, once she had gotten a few jabs in.

& & & & &

Leana finished lunch and headed for her classes. Her friends always made her feel better about things, but she still had a nagging feeling that something was going on. And it wasn't just the avoidance. That afternoon Leana could swear that Toni was afraid of her. He seemed to defer to everything she said. And she knew some of the things she was saying were wrong. But, why would he be afraid of her?

After her class, she had another shock. Her gift was beginning to manifest itself. The Heralds still didn't know much about it, but Talia said she could sense some kind of projection.

"You're not projecting emotions," Talia assured her. "But it is something similar. We're still going to have to wait and see." Talia must have known Leana was still upset because she continued. "Don't worry, Leana. We knew the first step was to unblock your gift. Now we can really start to learn how to get your gift under control."

But, Leana wasn't satisfied with that explanation. She decided she needed to know what the Heralds really thought about her gift, so she stayed outside the door to listen in.

"I don't like it, Talia," Teren said once they had given Leana enough time to leave. "The girl's using a gift we can't even identify."

"It's not as if she were doing something wrong," Talia countered. "And she certainly isn't hurting anyone. We'd have heard about it by now if she were."

"Now, Talia. I understand that the poor girl doesn't know what she's doing, but you're the one who said she was beginning to manipulate people around her. She may have been doing so since she came to Haven."

"I really don't think-"

Teren interrupted her, "Look, you said that some of the masters have even been coming to you about her. She may not be hurting anyone yet, but it may only be a matter of time."

"The masters are more concerned with her strange behavior before being chosen, no one has mentioned anything about a wayward gift. There are only a few people who might be affected by her and it may not have anything to do with her gift. Let's not borrow trouble."

"I know, Talia. We just need to find the truth now, before the gossip begins to spread."

Leana didn't wait to hear any more. She was too upset. They had told her that her gift was projecting, but they hadn't said that she was manipulating anyone. And Teren thought she might have been doing so since she arrived.

What if he's right? What if I have been influencing people? What if the only reason anyone became my friend was because I was forcing them to? What if I've influenced Gena and Robin?

:Don't take it so hard, dearheart.: Yonell told her. :I know you haven't been manipulating people since you got here. Remember, you're gift was blocked until a few days ago.:

:Maybe.: Leana answered. :But what if I really have been influencing people:

:Then we will find out the truth and put it right. You couldn't have been doing anything too drastic. More people would have noticed. And I certainly would have noticed.:

:I guess so.: But Leana still doubted. She had noticed people were acting differently towards her. It was just that no one else had.

& & & & &

Robin knew something was bothering Leana as soon as she walked in. He could see it in her face, even behind the half-smile she managed when she saw him. "What's up?"

Leana shook her head. "It's nothing." Her gaze unfocused for a minute and then she added, "At least it's nothing that can be dealt with right now."

Robin wanted to press her further, but decided that it could wait. Now probably wasn't the time or place to be getting into any sticky conversations. He turned his attention to Greggie and Kurtis, who were once again in their favorite discussion of love ballads. He was about to ask the guys to knock it off when Leana's fork flew across the table, hitting Gena. The conversation stopped.

"I'm sorry, Gena," Leana apologized instantly. "I was paying attention to Greggie and Kurtis and didn't realize I was doing anything with my fork."

"It's fine, Lena. No harm done, except to your poor fork." She handed the fork back to Leana, who put it safely on the table.

Robin leaned closer to Leana, "Problems with class?"

Leana picked up her cup and began to tap the edge of it against the table. "I guess you could say that." The tapping increased and Robin finally put his hand on her arm. "Sorry," Leana said, taking her hand away from the cup. "I just found something disturbing about my gift and I'm not really taking it well."

Robin was about to ask when Leana's face went blank. He knew better than to interrupt a discussion between Herald and Companion. Then Leana began to look angry. "But, you don't know that."

The reply to her Companion was so loud that the entire group stopped talking. Since Leana had learned to use mindspeech with Yonell, she only talked out loud when she was shocked or angry. Leana listened again while Robin looked on, fearing the Trainee and Companion were in a serious argument.

"I don't care what you say. You weren't around when I first came to Haven, so you can't know the truth." Then a moment later, "But you hadn't chosen me yet. You can't possibly know every little thing about every person before you choose someone." Then finally, "But my friends aren't Heralds! You just don't understand. Leave me alone." Leana shot up from the table and began to storm off. Robin exchanged a worried look with Adame and hurried after her.

Robin caught up with Leana just as she let herself into her room. Robin didn't even let the door close behind her before letting himself in. She didn't turn around to look at him, but he heard her say, "I don't really want to talk about it, Robin."

"Well, maybe you could vent?" he offered.

"Vent?" she asked, turning to face him sounding irritated. "Why in the Havens would I need to vent?" Robin almost flinched from the sound in her voice. "Just because my fellow trainees are afraid of me."
That seemed odd to Robin. "They're not afraid of you, Leana."

"Oh, no? They won't let me be wrong, even when I know I am. Toni seems more than a little frightened of me and even some of the teachers are deferring to me at odd times."

"I don't understand."

"Well, of course you don't!" Leana snapped. "How could you possibly understand manipulating people with a gift?"

Robin surmised that her gift was beginning to surface again. That must be what was bothering her so much. But, that didn't give her the right to yell at him. "Lena, that's not fair-"

"Not fair? What's not fair is that my gift is manipulating people and I can't even control it. I've probably been manipulating everyone since I came here. I may have been manipulating you since we met."

Robin refused to reply in anger, although he was tired of Leana's scornful attitude. "You haven't been manipulating me, Lena," he said much more calmly than he felt. His stomach dropped as he realized the full implication of what she was telling him. It could only be bad. If word of this got out, it could damage, not just her reputation, but the reputation of the Heralds.

"How would you know?" Leana countered. "Ungifted would be affected much more easily than the gifted. And you aren't a Herald."

Robin's temper finally began to erode. "Lena, I may not be a Herald, but I am gifted! Bardic gift is a gift that centers around manipulating people. I do know what it's like to influence those around you. And I know what it's like to wonder if you're doing the right thing. . . if you're stealing some part of them."

"But-"

Robin cut her off, "And I know you haven't been influencing me for two reasons. One, I'm not at all afraid of you. And two, I know you're wrong and I'm telling you so." Robin slowed down as he saw Leana consider what he had said. "I know this bothers you, but that's no reason to take it out on me."

Leana's face began to flush. "I'm sorry, Robin." She whispered. "I really didn't mean to take it out on you." Robin's heart softened and he pulled Leana onto his arms. He would never be able to stay mad at her for long, which could end up being his undoing. He was surprised to find that Leana was trembling slightly.

"I'm scared, Robin," she admitted softly.

Robin pulled back and saw two tears slowly trailing down her face. He gently brushed them away with his fingers. "Don't be afraid. No matter what happens, I'm here with you." His lips replaced his fingers and then he felt Leana relax as his mouth covered hers and he tried to kiss away all her fears.

& & & & &

Robin left Leana feeling much better about herself and the situation. "At least now I know I'm not alone," she said to herself. Then she felt a pang of guilt. Yonell had only been trying to help and hadn't deserved Leana's anger. She grabbed a cloak and headed for Companion's Field.

Yonell was waiting for her when she arrived and Leana wasted no time in throwing her arms around Yonell. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean it."

:It's okay Leana. It's natural for fear to turn into anger. But, I trust Robin made you feel better:

Leana nodded, "He always does."

:Well, if that's the case, you should take him with you next time you decide to eavesdrop.: Yonell said wryly. :That way you don't have to explain anything to him and he'll be able to rush in to defend you if necessary.: Yonell accompanied her last thought with an image of Robin dressed in armor, rushing into a room full of Heralds brandishing a lute. The image was so absurd that Leana couldn't help laughing.

"I'll remember to ask him next time I want to listen in, but I don't know where we're going to find armor to fit him."

& & & & &

Leana and Gena entered the Rose, looking forward to having a good time and relaxing. Leana had decided, with the urging of Yonell, to forget about the problems with her gift tonight and Leana was glad to have a distraction.

The girls quickly found seats at their usual table and began to catch up on the latest gossip.

Tonight, Sera and Jewly had targeted Aime for their teasing, having received new information from one of their unnamed sources.

"I heard he thinks you're cute," Sera was saying as Leana sat down.

"I heard he thinks you're smart," Jewly countered.

The two girls had trapped Aime between them and Aime's head whipped back and forth between them as she listened to what they shared.

Gena laughed at the sight. "Just who is it that holds Aime in such high esteem?"

The duo chimed, "Travys," and then shared a grin as Aime's face began to turn red.

Aime finally held up her hands. "Look, he hasn't said anything to me and he doesn't even seem to pay attention. Until he does, why don't you pick on someone else?"

Sera frowned, "But who can we pick on?"

Jewly continued, "Lena came without Robin."

Aime, not willing to give up, asked, "What about Gena and Adame? You never pick on them."

"They're no fun."

"Yeah. Besides, we picked on them enough last year."

Gena leaned close to Leana and whispered. "The trick is not to blush or act upset when they tease you. Then they can't tell when they're hitting a mark and it's no fun for them. Then they'll move on to someone else."

"Thanks for the tip," Leana replied. As she continued to watch Sera and Jewly try to make several of their friends blush. She was tapping her feet and wishing there was music so she could dance. But then she realized she didn't really need music. She turned to Gena.

"I think I want to dance."

Gena laughed. "But, Lena, there's no music."

"Who needs music?" She rose to her feet and looked for an appropriate partner. Her eyes fell on Toni and she thought this might be a good way to let him know there was no reason to be afraid of her. "Perfect," she said to herself as she went to the end of the table.

"Want to dance?"

Toni looked up at Leana, startlement crossing his face. "Uh. . ."

"Come on," Leana urged as she grabbed his arm and pulled him to hi feet. She tried to get Toni to dance, but he fought her and finally he pulled away and practically ran for the door.

Gena came up as Toni was leaving and asked,"Are you okay?"

Leana grinned, "I'm fine. I'm just in such a good mood I want to dance. Or maybe sing. Do you think I should try singing? My dad always said I shouldn't be afraid of singing, even though I knew I wasn't any good. Of course, when you have a Bard for a father, it's hard to see any moderate talent as good. Although I would have to say even my best efforts don't really come close to moderate. So I guess I'll have to leave the music to Robin, only he's not here. Hey! Adame's here, maybe he could sing and I could dance. That's what this place needs: some music." Leana began to approach Adame, but Gena stopped her.

"Lena, I think maybe you need to go home. Something's wrong."

Leana sighed. "I told you, nothing's wrong. I'm just really happy and I want to enjoy it."

"Something is wrong, Lena. You're not usually like this-"

"Look," Leana hissed, conscious for the first time that they were not alone to have this argument. "I told you I'm fine, now let go of me."

"Lena, please."

"No!" Leana said harshly. "I'm tired of everyone expecting me to go crazy. Every time I turn around some is asking me if I'm okay. Well, I'm fine and I don't have to take this from you." She wrenched herself from Gena's grasp and stomped out of the Rose.

:Leana:

"And I don't want another lecture from you!"

Yonell fell silent and Leana fumed all the way back to her room. She felt as if everyone around her was treating her like glass. As if one wrong move would cause her to go over the edge. But at the same time, Leana knew she was overreacting. She knew her friends cared about her. As Leana tried to go to sleep, feelings of guilt prevented her from getting rest.

I shouldn't have yelled at Gena. She was only trying to help. And dancing in the Rose is kind of unusual for me. I usually don't do things that strange on impulse. Leana sighed. I'll just have to do better. No more weird behavior, no more yelling at people unless there's a good reason for it. Feeling better about the situation, Leana finally drifted off to sleep.

& & & & &

Unfortunately for Leana, her resolve lasted less than a day. She had met Sera and Jewly on her way to lunch.

"Lena, wait up!" Sera and Jewly came running up to her. "How are your classes?" Sera asked as they made their way with the crowd headed for lunch.

Leana shrugged, "Okay, I guess." She didn't really feel like talking about her classes yet because she was still so worried about her gift. No one else really knew what was going on since the Heralds had felt it necessary to keep the problems low-key until a solution could be found. And Sera and Jewly weren't exactly known for keeping secrets.

"Well, are you feeling better since last night?" Sera asked, seeming to understand that Leana didn't want to talk school.

"You were acting kind of weird last night before you left." Jewly added.

"I don't really want to talk about that," Leana said, feeling shame about her behavior from the previous night.

Sera pouted, "You never want to talk about anything."

"Yeah, sometimes it makes me think it's because you know something," Jewly said mischievously.

Leana groaned silently. "I just don't feel like talking right now, okay?"

"Are you all right?" Jewly asked.

Leana abruptly stopped in the hallway just outside of the common room. "I wish people would stop asking me that all the time. I'm fine. I'm not crazy, I just have a lot on my mind right now and that makes me a little. . .distracted. And I just don't want to discuss it."

"We're just trying to help," Sera protested.

Despite the fact that Leana knew it was true and knew there was no reason to be upset, she couldn't help the feeling of irritation that invaded her. "Well, maybe you should just mind your own business. In fact, the two of you could do me a favor and just leave me be."

Jewly opened her mouth, but Leana cut her off. "No. I don't want to hear another word from either of you." Leana stepped inside the common room and went to find her seat. Both Sera and Jewly had fallen silent after Leana's tirade.

Neither girl spoke during lunch.

"What's the matter with you two?" Gena finally asked. "Usually you don't shut up long enough to eat."

Sera looked over at Leana and then shrugged. Leana thought the girls were taking things a little too far. Maybe Leana had lost her temper, but that was no reason for Sera and Jewly to be patronizing her like this. Or trying to make her feel guilty. Although the guilt trip was certainly working.

Feeling sorry for herself, Leana had brushed off all of Robin's attempts to get her to talk. She ended up going to her classes feeling both depressed and angry. And that was something that Talia couldn't possibly miss. Her only hope was that Talia wouldn't ask any questions. Leana prepared herself for a long afternoon.

& & & & &

She wasn't doing well with the masters trying to center on her gift. She couldn't concentrate on anything and kept snapping responses to their questions. Teren finally called an early end to the session, saying that they wouldn't be able to figure anything out until she was focused. Leana was making her way out of the room when Talia caught up to her.

"You know, things really aren't so bad," she offered.

"I guess."

"Now that your gift is working, we'll be able to how you're using it."

"How I'm manipulating people you mean," Leana spit out.

Talia didn't seem surprised that Leana had said that. "So, you heard us, huh?"

Leana mutely nodded.

"Is that what has you so worked up? The idea that you may be manipulating people?"

"It's not really that," Leana stopped as she realized that Talia had managed to herd her out into the gardens. "I mean, it bothers me, but there's something else."

"What is it?" Talia urged. "Are you afraid of what made you jump out of that tree?"

"I didn't jump," Leana automatically asserted. But part of her wondered. She didn't really remember much right before the accident. Maybe she had jumped from the tree. That might be why people were treating her like spun glass. Was it possible?

"But you don't know for sure, do you?" Talia probed gently. "Why don't you tell me why you were climbing trees in the first place."

"I don't really know. I haven't done anything like that before. . .well, not since just after my father died."

"Tell me about it," Talia requested.

So Leana told Talia about how upset she had been when her father died and how she had become restless afterward. She shared how the villagers had thought something was wrong with her. She shared what she hadn't told anyone else: That some of the villagers had urged her Aunt to seek out the mindhealers because they were positive she was crazy. She told Talia about her move to Haven and how she began to feel restless again. She told Talia what she could remember from the day she fell from the tree. She told her how horrible she had felt afterwards and what she had been planning to do before she was chosen.

"And now?" Talia asked when Leana had stopped talking.

"Now I just feel messed up. I'm angry all the time, even when I know I have no reason to be. It's like I can't help myself and I just keep doing it." The anger in her voice was evident even to Leana's ears. "And most of the time I feel fine. Great, in fact, but then I'll do something really dumb and unusual and then when I think about it later I fell really stupid for even thinking that way. Some days I feel so restless and I know I have to do something, but nothing seems to work. Nothing can hold my interest for more than a few minutes. I keep getting into fights with people-"

"Leana," Talia interrupted. Or tried to.

"-and then apologizing for it later. I always seem-"

"Leana."

"-to be apologizing these days. I just can't seem to -"

"Leana!" Talia exclaimed, shaking Leana's shoulders, causing her to stop her tirade.

"- stop talking," Leana finished.

Talia brushed Leana's hair away from her face. "It'll be alright, child."

"How would you know?" demanded Leana. "You don't know what it feels like to-"

:Leana, please.: Yonell intruded. :Herald Talia's only trying to help you. She's taking time out of a busy schedule for you and I ask that you take it.: Yonell felt her question without Leana needing to ask. :I've tried to help you all I could, but I obviously am not making much of a difference. I can't help you, dearheart. Maybe she can.:

Talia waited in silence and Leana began to cry. Talia pulled Leana into her arms and tried to soothe her.

"Please, Herald Talia. I need help," she sobbed into Talia's tunic.

"Then you will get it," promised Talia.

& & & & &

Talia's first step was to take Leana to the Healers. She spoke with Devan as well as the Healers who had attended her when she had come in from her accident. They poked and prodded Leana for several candlemarks and finally admitted defeat. They could find nothing physically wrong with her. But they did agree that something seemed somehow off kilter about her. Talia had left her sitting in the waiting room while she went to go find the mindhealers. Leana began to get nervous as she waited.

:It doesn't mean you're crazy.: Yonell said for the umpteenth time.

:Of course it does. Why do you send for a mindhealer if someone isn't crazy:

Yonell didn't offer an answer. They'd gone through this discussion several times in the last candlemark and Leana hadn't liked the answer the first time.

Leana wished she had someone to give moral support, but she was afraid to call for any of her friends. She knew Kayle would have come, but Leana was afraid that if Kayle knew how bad Leana was right now, she'd be shipped off like she was from Aunt Heln's. They didn't know she was crazy, they only suspected. And she didn't want Robin to know she was crazy. Who wanted to be involved with a crazy girl? Leana just knew that the truth would be the end of them. It was bad enough that she couldn't control herself.

:Well, you can tell Robin the truth, which I suggest, or you can at least go to him for comfort. Once you're done here he may be able to make you feel better.:

:He doesn't need to be around me right now.: Leana countered. :I'll either be way too clingy or completely distant. And I can guarantee we'd only end up in a fight. Robin doesn't deserve that.:

:He also doesn't deserve to think you're losing interest in him.:

Leana chose not to answer that comment, feeling the stirrings of anger and knowing an argument was coming. She concentrated, instead, on the mindhealers she was about to see.

& & & & &

Their efforts proved to be as disappointing as the Healer's had been. Feeling defeated, since no one knew what was wrong with her, she found herself looking at the outside of Robin's door. She debated with herself for a long while about whether or not to go in. Finally she knocked tentatively and let herself in.

Robin was sitting at the desk and Adame and Gena were on Adame's bed, everyone looking tense and worried. Taking one look at Leana's face, Adame and Gena hastily rose and made an excuse to leave. Robin approached Leana, his face betraying severe strain.

"What is it, Leana?" he asked gently. Leana didn't answer, but placed herself into Robin's arms. He held her tightly, seeming to understand she didn't want to talk. After a few moments, Robin led her to the bed and pulled her down with him, all the while keeping her in his arms. Leana snuggled as close as she could get and let Robin's hands comfort her as she began to cry. Finally, she managed to stop the tears, but she didn't pull away from Robin.

Robin continued to rub her back, not saying anything. Leana sensed desperation in Robin, and had a feeling he knew what was going on. Gossip did, after all, travel fast in Haven. Especially in the palace. At least Robin wasn't treating her funny. Finally she heard Robin ask, "Are you sick?" the question was a little hard to answer. Robin continued, "I know you've been at the Healers since just after lunch. What did they find?"

"They don't know," Leana told him, a little of the bitterness creeping into her voice. "They spent all afternoon poking me and finally called the mindhealers. No one could pinpoint what it is, just that it's there. They don't know what else can be done. Robin…they might not be able to fix me."

Robin's arms tightened around Leana almost painfully and he finally choked out, "Oh, Leana. I can't stand the thought of losing you." His arms loosened slightly. "What does Yonell say?"

Leana sighed, "That I have to be patient and trust the Healers. She's sure they'll find the answer. I just have to hold on a little longer."

"Is there anything I can do?"

Leana thought about it and finally said, "I'm likely going to be kind of moody in the next few weeks. Even more than usual, and I can't seem to properly control my anger. Just stay by me and don't let this come between us."

"I wouldn't do that, Lena. I'll stay with you through the end. I promise you."

Leana was slightly puzzled by Robin's reaction. It was a bit fatalistic for someone who was going crazy. She sent a wordless question to Yonell and then heard :There are rumors running around the palace. People think something serious is wrong. Robin may very well think you're dying.: If the situation weren't so serious, Leana would have laughed in relief. But Robin's face showed that he didn't think Leana was going to live much longer and the look tore her heart. And from the conversation they'd just had Robin probably thought she only had a few weeks.

"Robin," she said gently, realizing his reaction showed just how much he cared for her. "I'm not dying or anything."

Robin seemed confused, "You just said the Healers didn't know how to help-"

"I went to the Healers to find out why I've been unable to help the way I've been acting. It's not that I'm physically sick, I just have some problems."

Robin put his hands on either side of her face and looked deep into her eyes. "You're not dying."

Leana began to smile at Robin's need for assurance, "No, Robin. I'm not dying."

Robin pulled Leana on top of him and gave her the most thorough kiss she had ever received. She returned the favor, finding herself giddy with relief. Suddenly her life seemed in better perspective.

When Leana was once again lying peaceful in Robin's arms she said, "You know, I'm going to hold you to your promise not to let this get between us."

"I always keep my promises, Lena. I'll keep this one, too." And as Leana began to drift off she thought she heard him say, "And I intend to keep all of it."

& & & & &

The good feelings Leana had had while she was with Robin the night before left her as she heard what Talia had to say.

"I'm sorry, Leana. The mindhealers and Healers have talked it over and they can't figure out what's wrong with you."

Leana's heart sank. "So, there's nothing to do. No hope of getting this fixed."

"That's not what I said," Talia told her. She thought for a moment and then asked, "You spent some time in k'Valdemar Vale with your father, right?"

Leana nodded. "A little."

"I think it may be time to call in Silverfox."