Title: The Knife's Edge

Author: AriannaCastellis1

Rating: T (or PG-13)

Disclaimer: Sadly I own nothing in the world of Valedamr. It all belongs to Mercedes Lackey.

A/N: Thank you for all of your reviews. It's nice to know that people are enjoying my story.

A very special thanks to the people who helped me beta this story. Seam and RainbowAlchemist. Thank you so much for your help and patience. Any left over mistakes are solely the responsibility of the author.

The Knife's Edge

Chapter Eight: To Be Alone

Leana looked at the packets of tea lining the top of her bookcase. She wasn't sure what to expect. Medicine, in her experience, had always tasted bad. Leana suspected that it was something the Healers did on purpose to make people get better faster. No one wanted to drink horrid tea day after day. She picked up one of the packets and sniffed cautiously. A dark earthy aroma filled her nose, but Leana couldn't tell if that meant the tea would be pleasant or not. Maybe she should go find some honey in case the tea needed to be sweetened.

:Stop stalling, Leana. It can't be that bad.: Yonell admonished her.

Leana made a face. :You're not the one who has to drink it.: she retorted. :What if it's too bitter? What if I can't stand the tea and I have to take it every day anyway? What if it doesn't work:

:Well, if it doesn't work, then you don't have to worry about it being too bitter now do you: Yonell answered. :But really, I can't imagine the tea being that bad. The Healers would know that a bitter, bad tasting tea would not encourage people who are depressed to drink it.:

:That's a good point: Leana acknowledged. :I guess I have stalled for long enough.: Leana quickly brewed the content of the packet into her mug and drank it down. It wasn't nearly as bad as she had feared. Leana wasn't sure she actually liked the tea all that much, but she didn't mind it, and that was the best she could ask for.

Throughout the day, Leana tried to detect a change, but didn't feel any. But then, nothing really happened overnight, no matter how anxious you were, so maybe the tea would take a few days to really start helping. She had just hoped, somehow, to feel better before meeting with Talia this afternoon. Talia was determined to start tracking down information on her gift, saying that she believed there would be evidence of her gift in action that would lead them to understanding and controlling it. It was a session that Leana looked forward to with both hope and trepidation.

"Hello, Leana." Talia greeted Leana warmly, trying to put Leana at ease. Leana knew the Herald could tell she was nervous about the meeting as Talia continued, "How are you feeling today?"

"The tea doesn't seem to be doing anything," Leana said. "Am I supposed to feel different?"

"I wouldn't expect it yet, Leana," Talia soothed. "And if you think about it, it would be very strange if you did feel different immediately. Think about a broken bone. It can be identified and set, then put into a cast. But it takes time for it to completely heal. But once the cast is off, you can be as good as new."

Leana didn't know what to say, and tried to feel comforted.

"And while you're waiting for the medicine to help you feel better, you and I can concentrate on getting this gift of yours under control. That should make you feel even better than the tea."

"How are we supposed to find out how to control it when we can't even tell what it is?"

"The first thing I want us to talk about is anything you've noticed that seemed unusual, especially if you've noticed any of your friends acting oddly around you."

Leana shrugged. "I'm not sure what you're looking for, but there was a time, a couple of months back, when I started to really feel uncomfortable around people. I went from having a couple of close friends and a small group of people that were hanging out at the Rose to suddenly being really popular." Talia waited for Leana to continue.

"I guess it wasn't really me being popular, it was more like everyone was trying to be around me. I started to feel like everyone was watching me and wanting to talk to me in the halls – even people I barely knew." Leana felt herself becoming defensive, realizing that her arguments to Talia were similar to the arguments she'd been having with Robin for the last few months.

But Talia didn't seem to dismiss her feelings the way that Robin had. In fact, Talia looked thoughtful. "These people just suddenly wanted to be friends with you? Or were they trying to get something from you?"

"It wasn't like they really wanted something. And it wasn't really like they wanted to be friends exactly. They were just there…everywhere…like they were coming out of every crevice on the grounds just to find me." Leana paused, not sure she was describing the situation properly, "I'm not sure how else to put it except to say that everyone was suddenly demanding my attention."

"Focused on you, perhaps? As if they were drawn to you and they might not know why?"

"Yes! That's it exactly. It was so hard to deal with all those people there and my friends couldn't understand why it was upsetting me so much."

"I imagine being the center of attention can be a bit unsettling, especially if you don't know why."

"I don't really like being the center of attention, anyway. My dad was always the center of attention and I usually stayed in the background." Leana sighed, "And now it looks like I have a gift that is going to put me in the center of things."

"Well, let's see what we can do about that," Talia responded. "The first thing I'd like to try is focusing your gift as if it were empathy."

Leana mentally squared here shoulders and concentrated on what Herald Talia was telling her.

& & & & &

Leana sat down at dinner, glad to have a respite from gift training. Using a gift was hard work, even when you weren't sure exactly what you were doing. Gena passed a plate to her without having to be asked. "Long day?" she asked her friend.

"Very," replied Leana. "But it wasn't too bad, really. I just feel weary."

"How'd it go with Talia?"

"Okay, I guess," Leana replied, feeling more hopeful than she had expected. "We didn't really make any progress on my gift, but Talia seems to think that not making progress is almost as good as making progress. Does that make sense to you?"

"Actually, it makes perfect sense. You started out the day with infinite possible outcomes and now you have fewer possibilities to take into account."

Jewly piped up, "But if you start out with an infinite number of possibilities, you cannot be closer than infinity. That's the nature of infinity. Therefore you will always have an infinite number of possibilities."

"Not necessarily true in this case," countered Sera. "After all, in this particular case, the answer can be found at random. Therefore whether you have an infinite number of possibilities or a finite number, you will still find the answer in the same amount of time."

Leana felt her brain begin to twist, as the conversation seemed to delve into forces completely unknown to her.

"That can't be right," argued Jewly. "Because if you had 20 possibilities, the outcome would come much more quickly than if you had 500."

"But what if you guessed the correct thing on the 2nd try? Then it would not matter how large your beginning number was."

Gena started to laugh, "Guys. I don't think this situation is the same as picking a random number. It's more about methodically marking the most likely and well-known numbers in order to discount them. That way, wrong numbers can be systematically removed from the equation."

"I'm sorry," Leana broke in. "But, what has this got to do with finding out what my gift is? It's not a number it's a…a thing. And it's not like someone can look up the answer either, so even if we do find it, we might not know we found it. All this talk about numbers and infinity is just too confusing."

Adame just shook his head. "Don't try to understand it, Leana. Every discussion this week has turned into a debate on the properties of infinity. The rest of us just try to tune them out."

Leana let herself smile. "Well, as long as I'm not the only one that gets lost."

Robin shook his head, "No, you're definitely not the only one that gets lost."

Feeling a little better about everything, Leana let herself get lost in her friends rambling, wondering how anyone could understand a conversation that seemed to center around things that weren't tangible.

& & & & &

Leana was supposed to be studying. There was so much she needed to learn and since her afternoons were now filled with gift training, she no longer had the chance to study or do homework with Robin. That meant a lot of her work had to be done after dinner was over and she didn't really have any time to waste.

Still, her eyes kept drifting from the book she was reading to the journal that Stormdancer had given her.

Leana picked up the book Stormdancer had given her. It was beautiful and Leana liked the feel of it in her hands. She knew the book's pages needed to be filled with thoughts and feelings, but didn't know the first thing about how to put them down to paper. She wondered briefly if this was what her father had felt when he sat down with his staff paper, knowing the lines must be filled, having a melody deep inside him, but being unsure how to make the music inside his head come to life on a page.

Step one, open to a new page. Step two, get quill ready. Step three, begin to write…

Journal Entry One

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to write in here. Stormdancer told me that writing in a journal might help and Yonell's view is that it certainly can't hurt – so why not? I just don't know what to put in here. Stormdancer said to write what I'm feeling. So what am I feeling? Confused…Frustrated…Frightened…Angry…Lonely…

Lonely? Now I don't know why I feel lonely. After all, Kayle loves me. She was not only willing to let me come and stay with her here in Haven when Aunt Heln gave up on me, but she has tried to make the transition as easy as possible. She hasn't once shown any sign of being upset with me or regretting the decision to let me come to Haven.

And I have friends. I found a best friend in Gena…something that I've never had before. Dad moved around so much I didn't have a chance to make long-time friends. Not that I felt lonely then, because I learned how to be friends with many people in many places from my father. And I didn't really know what it was like to have a best friend. Now, I'm not sure what I would do if I lost her friendship. I'm lucky I didn't lose her for good after that fight we had.

Leana put her journal down, not sure what else to write. It seemed as silly as her beginning talks about Gena had seemed, but she had promised to actually try and get help. She actually wanted Stormdancer's help now and she would do whatever was necessary to get it – even writing in a journal.

& & & & &

"So, Leana, how have you liked the tea?" Stormdancer asked her as Leana settled herself in Stormdancer's room.

"Well, I was afraid that I wouldn't like it, but it's not too bad."

"That's good, Leana. We want to make sure that there isn't any reason for you not to take it. Has it caused any problems for you?"

"Nothing that I can tell, but Stormdancer...I'm not sure it's doing what it's supposed to be doing."

"What do you mean?"

"It's not changing anything. I mean, shouldn't I feel a difference?"

"It's only been a couple of days, Leana. You have to give it time to work. And it won't be an instant change either. It's quite possible that when you start to feel different you won't even notice it."

"Then how am I supposed to tell when it's working?"

"Because you will feel better over a longer period of time, dear. You may take stock of how you are feeling overall one day and realize that things are so much better than they had been before. Your friends will notice a change in you probably before you do. And partly, you'll notice that what you write in your journal will change over time as well."

"Oh," Leana said, dejectedly. She wasn't really surprised by the answer that Stormdancer had given her, but she still felt as if somehow things were never going to get any better.

"Now, do you want to tell me what you've written in your journal so far?" Stormdancer asked her, pulling Leana from thoughts best left alone.

"I thought that was supposed to be private," Leana said, feeling a sudden panic. "I didn't think I'd be sharing that information with anyone."

"You don't have to," Stormdancer quickly assured Leana. "I was just asking if there was anything you wanted to share. Any questions or thoughts that you want to talk about that may have been brought to the surface when you were writing."

"Well, I haven't really written all that much." Leana slowly admitted. "I wasn't sure what to write about, so I just kind of jotted down whatever came to mind."

"That's all right, that's what you should do. Sometimes just writing what comes to mind can help focus your thoughts."

"I did seem to end up writing about feeling lonely even though I think it's silly to feel that way."

"Why do you think it's silly?"

"Well, since coming to Haven, I've gotten a best friend. Shouldn't having Gena keep me from feeling lonely?"

Stormdancer smiled, "Having Gena in your life doesn't mean you shouldn't feel lonely. But she is there for you when you need her."

"She's great."

"Have you ever fought with Gena?"

"No, not really," Leana answered, then she thought better of it, "Well, there was this one time that I apparently made her mad enough to jump in the river."

"Really?" Stormdancer asked. "Why don't you tell me about it."

Leana began her story, starting with the fact that she had been getting behind in classes. She related the argument she'd had with Gena, that looking back, seemed really silly and selfish on her part. And then she told of the visit from Adame, who had been livid when Gena had thrown herself into the river when she didn't even know how to swim.

"And Gena just went to the river after talking with you. Is that something that usually happens when you talk with Gena? Does she always do what you suggest?"

"No, not really. It's the only time."

"Leana, have any of your other friends done anything that you've suggested that's out of character?"

Leana thought hard. "I can't think of any time that it's happened. Why? Is it important?"

"I don't know. But it seems to me like it may be something that is tied into your gift. Perhaps you should tell Herald Talia about the incident. And, if you're comfortable with it, ask Gena or your other friends if there's ever been anything else like that that's happened around you."

Leana felt a bit perplexed, but agreed to talk to Talia and Gena the following day.

"And Leana," Stormdancer added as Leana was leaving. "Go ahead and try writing more about feeling lonely. Maybe you can figure out why you do."

& & & & &

Journal Entry Two

I wrote last time about how I felt lonely, and Stormdancer figures I should continue writing about that. I had mentioned that I shouldn't feel lonely because I have a best friend in Gena, but the truth is, there's more to it then that. There are all the friends I have that eat meals with us and hang out with us. We all seem to get along well and even during my more…creative…moments, they seem to like me well enough.

And the other Herald trainees are all really nice, though I suspect no one has ever met a mean Herald. There have only been a few times they've seemed odd around me and that's usually when I seem to scare them.

And then there's Robin. He pulled me out of the isolated shell I had put myself in when I arrived at Haven. He persisted until I caved in and met his friends, one of whom was Gena. And he's something special. He's cute and nice and a talented musician. He's the type of person that my father would have really liked. And no matter what I do, Robin seems ready to forgive me and to help me in whatever way he can.

& & & & &

"…which brings us to finding the area of a circle."

Leana watched Master Byron draw a circle on the board, feeling frustrated. She doubted she would ever need to find the area of a circle. What would she ever use the knowledge for? Perhaps, there will be a dispute on the border over the actual size of a corral. Leana amused herself with the thought of demonstrating to the people exactly how one went about finding the area of the corral.

As Leana imagined the townsfolk being amazed at her superior skill in mathematics, she began to think of some of her Heraldic classes. I hope I'm not keeping people behind, she thought frantically. Maybe I should work more on that accounting book they brought in last week. I was having a bit of trouble following how to find the fake numbers and how to tell the real ones.

Leana shook herself slightly, knowing there was little she could do about the other class while she was listening to Master Byron. Right, she was supposed to be paying attention.

I'll take a look at the accounting book just before dinner. I should be able to fit that in without too much trouble. Leana drew her attention back to Master Byron, who was now writing some sort of calculation on the board.

Oh wait! She thought, her attention wandering back to her other classes. I can't do the records book before dinner. I'm supposed to stay after weapons training to work on a few things I've fallen behind on when I couldn't go to the classes. That was her main problem, really. She had missed a lot of time. And now she had to figure out how to fit everything into her day. Well, I can look at the accounting book after dinner. Stormdancer won't mind if I skip writing in the journal a little bit since I'm trying to get caught up on everything else. Besides, I don't have to share anything with her. She said it was for me, so she wouldn't even know.

Besides, she'll want to know what Talia thinks about Gena and the river. Leana's thoughts ran slightly cold. What if I did influence Gena to jump in the river? What if she had been hurt? What if I hurt someone else? Leana felt one of her classmates look in her direction out of the corner of her eye. Leana looked down and noticed her right leg was bouncing up and down rapidly. When had she started doing that? Leana forced her leg to stop moving, but didn't like the crawling sensation that resulted.

She took a steadying breath, looking back to Master Byron. Math, she reminded herself. I'm supposed to be concentrating on the math.

& & & & &

Gena was just settling into her latest book when there was a knock at the door. She answered it, surprised to see Leana on the other side of the door, looking a little nervous.

"Lena!" Gena said, glad to see her friend. "I didn't know you had some free time this afternoon. Come on in."

Leana seemed to hesitate. "Gena, I need to ask a favor of you."

"Anything for you, Lena. You should know that by now."

"Well, I've been working with Talia on figuring out my gift and…well, would you come and talk with her?"

Gena put the book on the table and grabbed her cloak, feeling rather confused and intrigued. "Sure, I'm happy to help. But what does any of this have to do with me?"

Leana waited until Gena had closed her door behind her to begin the explanation. "Do you remember the day you went and jumped in the river?"

Gena laughed ruefully, "Boy, do I ever! I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or Adame." Gena smiled at the memory, able to fully laugh at the situation now. "Did you know that Adame insisted on giving me swimming lessons after that?"

"I'm so sorry, Gena. I don't know what to say."

Gena shook her head. "It wasn't your fault I was so stupid, Lena. And besides, Adame and I ended up having a lot of fun with the swimming lessons, especially when we managed to find places alone." Gena watched as Leana's face began to turn pink. "Hey, maybe you should do something like that with Robin." She teased lightly, delighted that her friend was still shy enough to blush outright at Gena's humor.

Leana's only response was shaking her head. Gena knew something about the incident was really bothering her friend, but before she could ask what it was, they had arrived at the empty classroom Talia and Leana used to work on her gift.

Gena was a person who never let her nervousness show. She prided herself on not really caring what other people thought of her and being able to make a lot of friends. But all the confidence in the world couldn't stop Gena from feeling nervous around the Queen's Own. There was something about her presence that just exuded authority. And how could you hide any information from someone that could pick up on your emotions without even really trying?

"Gena, I'm so glad that you could come and help us," Talia said in way of greeting.

"Sure," Gena replied. "But I'm a little confused about what you need me for."

Talia indicated Gena take a seat and she did, watching Leana stand a little farther away from where Talia sat next to Gena.

"Gena, Leana has told me about the day that you jumped into the river."

Gena looked over at Leana, who had begun twisting her hands behind her back. "Yeah," she answered Herald Talia. "It was a stupid thing to do."

"Can you tell me about it?" Talia pressed. "And not just the jumping in, but what lead up to it."

"Well, it was a while ago," Gena admitted, not wanting to get her friend into any trouble. "Let's see…I was visiting Lena at her cousin's house in town. I know that we got into a fight about something, although I can't really be sure of the particulars."

Leana cut in, "You were basically tired of me feeling so sorry for myself."

Gena winced, hearing the way Leana sounded so frustrated (although frustrated with herself or with Gena, she wasn't quite certain). "Yeah, I guess that was it. I remember we were yelling at each other. I think I said something along the lines of Lena needing to get over the self-pity routine. Then Lena said something about if I didn't want to be around her anymore, I should go dunk myself or something."

Gena looked over at Leana as she began to pace. Talia's attention however, was on Gena. "What happened after you left?"

Gena kind of shrugged. "I was feeling a bit numb – as if I had done something wrong or was about to do something wrong." Gena fumbled for the words. "I'd never had a fight with a best friend before and didn't really know how to feel."

"Did you come right back to the palace grounds?" Talia prompted.

"I think so. I don't remember going anywhere else and there wasn't really anywhere else for me to go at the time. I remember walking over by the river, taking a shortcut back to the rooms when I saw the river." Gena paused, not liking what she remembered about the cold water closing over her.

"What happened when you saw the river?" Talia asked.

"I just suddenly felt as if I had to jump in. It seemed like the only thing I could do at the time." Gena looked over at Leana, who was now pacing more quickly at the end of the room.

"Have you ever jumped in the river before?" Talia asked.

"Havens no!" Gena exclaimed. "I couldn't even swim at the time."

"Do you know of any reason why you may have wanted to jump in at that particular time?" Talia pressed.

Gena didn't really like where this conversation was going. "Jumping in the river was a bit out of character for me," Gena admitted reluctantly. "But, it's not the first time I've done something so…Leana! Could you stop pacing, please? You're making me nervous."

Leana looked over at her friend and stopped, looking a bit sheepish. "Sorry, I'll try and sit still for a few minutes."

Gena let the comment slide as she focused back on Talia. "Look, I do weird things all the time. That day was just a little more weird than usual."

Talia nodded. "Perhaps, but I think the fact that Leana urged you to 'dunk yourself' may have also influenced your decision."

Gena looked at Leana, who was sitting across from them, looking somewhat apprehensive. "No, it couldn't be."

"Gena, please understand that I'm not suggesting that Leana may have done this on purpose. Remember she has no way of controlling her gift as of yet. But people with influential gifts can be dangerous if only by accident. We need to find out if Leana has been able to influence the actions of people around her."

"I don't think I've ever noticed something like that around Lena," Gena said, not wanting to believe that Leana could have any kind of power over people.

"Well, think hard, Gena. Has there been any other time you can think of that your friends have acted out of character? Especially if they've been around Leana or just left her presence?"

Gena began to shake her head no, but caught herself. "There was one odd thing that happened one night at dinner," she offered tentatively. She looked over at Leana, who seemed more resigned than upset. "We have these two friends, Sera and Jewly. They're always talking non-stop. Sometimes it seems as if they're completing each other's sentences. But, there was one night when they both were completely silent at dinner."

"Completely?" Talia asked. "Not even a little?"

"Not a peep," confirmed Gena. "They didn't even ask for plates to be passed. It was the strangest thing I'd seen from them."

Talia looked over at Leana, who seemed almost stricken. "Do you remember this?"

Leana nodded. "Yeah, I do. I met them both outside in the hallway before dinner. I told them I was tired of their talking and I didn't want to hear another word from either of them."

Gena felt her stomach drop at the implication that Leana could control someone's actions. What kind of things could she do? Could she end up hurting someone without even meaning to? Gena was sure that Leana wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally, but Leana wasn't exactly under complete control these days. What would happen if Leana lost her temper at someone and said something stupid. The thought was enough to strike fear into Gena's heart. And If I'm feeling scared, what must Leana be feeling?

& & & & &

Leana was pacing her room after dinner. When had pacing become such a habit for her?

:Leana, don't feel too upset, dearheart.: When Leana didn't respond, Yonell continued. :I know that it's upsetting, but think about this. Talia is going to help you figure out a way to control your gift. It won't seem so scary once it's under control.:

"I know you're right, but that doesn't help me feel less scared," Leana admitted. "I just wish I could make it go away."

:I know you do. But maybe that would be a bad thing.:

Leana stopped and kicked the wall. :Oh please don't go on a lecture about how this could be a blessing in disguise.: How many times had she heard something along those lines in her life?

:Not a blessing: Yonell replied, sounding very serious. :It may just be the answer to a prayer.:

:What? What do you mean? What prayer are you talking about:

:I mean one that hasn't been prayed yet.: Leana could feel a certain calmness and assurance from Yonell that was unfamiliar. :Gifts tend to show up when Valdemar needs them. Perhaps this gift of yours may be needed sometime in the near future and it has been given to you so we will have it when it's needed.:

Leana sat on her bed, subdued by the thought. The possibility had never occurred to her. Although there as some comfort in knowing that her gift may be a useful thing one day, Leana hoped that Valdemar would never find the need to use it.

"It still scares me," she admitted quietly to Yonell.

:I know that, too. But getting control of it will make it less frightening. And maybe you can write about it in your journal. Sometimes putting things to paper makes them less scary.:

Leana thanked her Companion and grabbed the journal, knowing that Yonell would respect her complete privacy and allow her to write alone.

Journal Entry Three

Yonell has suggested that I should write about the feelings I have regarding my gift or what we think my gift may entail. But I don't really feel like putting those thoughts to paper yet. So I will continue with Stormdancer's suggestion from before.

I've been feeling lonely, but here is an excellent example of why I shouldn't – Yonell, my Companion. I never dreamed, in my wildest dreams, that I would become a Herald and have a Companion. I've known a lot about Heralds from my dad. He knew a lot about them, having spent so many years in Haven. But having someone like Yonell should be enough to fill any lonely spots I have inside of me.

I know part of it is because I miss my father. I lived every day around him for as long as I can remember. I was never really apart from him. And he was my father! There isn't anyone who would question that fact that I miss him. Even after all this time, I sometimes feel the urge to cry just because he's gone. There's so much he won't be here for.

He won't ever meet Robin or Gena. He won't get to see me become a Herald or meet Yonell. He won't have the chance to write any songs about any 'heroic deeds' I may one day accomplish because of my duty to the crown. He'll never see me married, or see any grandchildren, or be there for me if someone else close to me dies.

And he isn't here to help me with this stupid gift or the stupid emotional issues that seem to be taking over my life. How am I supposed to handle things when the one person I used to get all my advice and help from has abandoned me? Why did he leave me to deal with coming to Haven on my own? Why isn't he here to help me with the insanity that has crawled inside my head? Bards aren't supposed to die young! They're supposed to live long lives and write songs about people and be there for their loved ones. How could he just abandon me in my darkest time of need? I thought he loved me?

Leana threw her quill across the room, feeling anger and wanting to cry, but not feeling like any tears were available. She felt the anger well up inside of her, and knew that this was one of those angers that Stormdancer had warned against. She wanted to scream and break things, but she knew, rationally, that it wouldn't really help anything. Instead she slammed the book closed and grabbed the pillow from her bed. She started smacking the covers with it as hard as she could, knowing that she wouldn't really hurt anything this way.

As she vented her frustrations on her bedding, she spared a thought for the tea that lined her bookcase. That stupid tea is supposed to help! Why do I only feel more agitated and angry? Can't anything go right for me?

Leana continued letting out her frustrations in the hopes that somehow, she could work the anger out of her system for good.

TBC