How was I supposed to respond? Did everyone expect me to just give in to the pain? Well, I wouldn't. Not in front of them, least of all in front of Ray. I had just lost my husband in a war I didn't believe in and didn't want him to be in. Michael insisted he was a Soldier and I insisted he was also a husband.
It's sometimes funny how just when things go your way, something happens to bring them down. I had just found out my surgical rotation went exactly how I wanted and I was going to be a surgeon. The ER kept paging me and it seemed that things were working to keep me from answering the page. But, still, I was ecstatic I was going to become a surgeon. I couldn't wait to tell everyone in the ER. I knew they'd be happy for me.
Things don't work out the way you plan.
When I got back to the ER to finish my shift, I was greeted with long faces. Yet, the only one that bothered me was Ray's. "I have to tell you something." was all he was able to say before I blasted into him about how I thought everyone should be happy about me becoming a surgeon and it wasn't like I was going to leave the hospital.
Then I saw Abby. She told me there were some Soldiers, one was a Casualty Officer, waiting for me. I quickly snapped a look back at Ray. His eyes told me that this was what he wanted to tell me. I didn't need for them to say what they came to say, but I needed to hear it. Even though I didn't believe it, I still needed to hear it.
"I can't do this. I'm at work." was all I could say. I went to check on patients, trying to act like nothing was wrong. But, somehow, I ended up on that roof, looking over Lake Michigan. I heard steps behind me, but I didn't want to turn around. I already knew it was Ray.
I always felt he had this sixth sense when it came to me.
"I was probably getting a latte or watching World Poker Tour when he was blown up by a roadside bomb." I said, trying to hide what I felt. Ray offered to help, but I refused it. I was strong and I could do this on my own. He reached out to hug me, but I yelled at him to leave me alone.
I couldn't feel Ray's arms around me, knowing what I felt for him, when I had just received the news my husband was KIA in Iraq.
I wanted to go back down to the ER and resume business as usual, but everyone insisted I go home. I finally threw my gloves down and told Luka if it made everyone else happy, I'd go home. I picked up the package the Chaplains left for me at the front desk and stormed out. The easy part was now over. I had to call his parents.
Oh, God! What would I say to them? His mother hated that Michael was in Iraq as much as I did. Michael and his duty to his country. What about to his wife? He apparently didn't hold me in the same regards.
I sat in the dark after telling Michael's parents. Now what? What do I do? I had no husband and no home. There's always Ray. I thought, but wiped that thought out of my head. Ray. Why was I thinking of him?
I heard Abby's voice call my name and I made my way out. "I got you some dinner and groceries." Her voice was small and soft. She asked me if I wanted her to stay. When I told her I wanted to be alone, she joked that she could use a break from Luka's snoring.
"Michael snored when he was drunk." Realization hit me. I looked up at Abby. "I had to dig through pictures because I couldn't remember what he looked like. Soon, I'll forget." The tears were not stopping. I silently pleaded for them to because I couldn't let Abby see me out of control, vulnerable, and weak, but they didn't listen. Abby reached out and gave me a hug.
She stuck around for a little bit before heading home to Luka, leaving me alone with my memories, my thoughts, and that package.
I'm not sure how long I looked at the package before opening it. There was a video on top and in big black letters was NEELA. I stared at it a couple seconds before popping it in. When I did, there was Michael, adjusting the camera. One of his fellow Soldiers jumped in frame, yelling "I LOVE YOU, NEELA!" and making kissy noises. I laughed as Michael went "See what I gotta put up with?"
He went on to say that he hoped I never saw this, but if I did, things went wrong. Or rather, not according to plan. I smiled when he said that if I was watching this, I owed him a big I TOLD YOU SO.
The tape ended with him telling me he loved me and I held the tears back no longer. I let them fall. Tears of sorrow mixed with tears of guilt. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be with Ray. To have him comfort me and tell me it would be alright. To feel his body next to mine. I felt guilty for thinking that the day I get word my husband died.
Pain overwhelmed me. I had deal with the loss of two men I loved. I didn't know if, because of my actions, Ray would be there for me again.
And, my husband. Michael Gallant. I wiped the tears away and started to think of how to plan a funeral.
And all the while, I'm thinking of Ray.