Title: The Knife's Edge
Author: AriannaCastellis1
Rating: T (or Pg-13)
Disclaimer: Sadly I won nothing in the world of Valdemar. It all belongs to Mercedes Lackey.
A/N: Just a note, in case you didn't' notice it with the last update – I deleted the catch up chapter that was in the midst of the story since it is probably no longer necessary, so make sure you don't skip over chapter 8 by accident. Once again, thank you for all of your reviews. It's nice to know that people are enjoying my story.
A very special thanks goes to the people who helped me beta this story, Seam and RainbowAlchemist. Thank you so much for your help and patience. Beta-ing this story is certainly a challenge. Any left over mistakes are solely the responsibility of the author.
The Knife's EdgeChapter Nine: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
It was supposed to be a slow change, but Leana could almost put her finger right on the moment that the tea started making a difference. It was the day after the crying spell over her father. She had awakened the next morning clutching a pillow and somehow felt better after crying. She took her tea and was off to start her day in a somewhat subdued mood.
By lunchtime, she was feeling amazingly better. The apathy and lethargy that she had been feeling for so long had started to lift. She suddenly had more energy and Kerowyn noticed it in her weapons class.
By that night she felt as if things were going to be just fine. She hadn't felt this good in a long time: and not just good, but happy. She was starting to feel like the person she had been before – well before everything had changed. Leana just didn't want to think about anything that was remotely sad right now. Right now she had some catching up to do.
Leana sat down to look over her notes and began trying to make sense of the silly symbols that Master Byron had shown them in class earlier.
When Leana looked up at the time candle, she was shocked to see it was the middle of the night. Usually, she would have been exhausted by now, but for some reason the energy had stayed with her. Well, it stayed with me until I realized what time it was, but now I'm definitely ready for sleep.
Leana quickly got ready for bed and hopped under the covers, feeling as if things were going well now.
& & & & &
"I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better," Stormdancer told her the next evening. "And you haven't had any trouble from the tea?"
Leana thought briefly of the night before when she hadn't gone to sleep until late, but since she hadn't felt tired all day, she figured it wasn't anything bad. "No, no trouble."
"That's very good. Now, how is your journal coming?"
Leana felt a brief moment of guilt for not having written anything in days. "I don't really want to talk about what's in my journal, Stormdancer."
"That's fine, Leana. You don't need to; just keep writing in it."
Leana nodded, hoping that Stormdancer couldn't tell that she hadn't even opened the journal since that last entry. The bell for dinner rang and Leana quickly excused herself, hoping to escape Stormdancer without any other questions about her journal.
& & & & &
After cheerfully greeting her friends at dinner, Leana let the conversation float around her while she tried to settle down after her meeting with Stormdancer.
I don't want to talk to her about my journal. It's not anyone's business and I don't have to share anything with her, so why should I? That didn't stop her from feeling guilty, though. And why can't Stormdancer just figure out more stuff about my gift anyway? Wouldn't that be more help? Talia's about to pull her hair out, I can tell. Although, I'm not sure if she's more frustrated with me and my gift, or if it's because she can't figure out how to teach me to use it.
Leana remembered the look of frustration on Herald Talia's face the previous day when her latest idea hadn't worked. Leana could have sworn that Talia was more upset than Leana had been – it was almost as if Talia knew what it was like. But that's not possible. Talia's gift was well known when she arrived in Haven. It's not like she had any gift trouble to deal with.
A hand on her knee drew her out of her thoughts. Gena grinned at her, "Lena, you're shaking the whole bench with your bouncing."
Leana flushed. "Sorry," she muttered, wondering why it felt so wrong to be completely still all the time.
"Not a problem," Gena replied. "I tap my pencil when I'm reading my texts. It drives Adame nuts!"
Leana grinned at her friend. "And I bet that's half the reason you do it, right?"
"Of course!"
Leana relaxed, allowing her friends to draw her back into the conversation. Maybe she wasn't being strange at all; maybe it was her own special quirk. She just needed to be more conscious of it so she didn't really drive people crazy.
& & & & &
Robin was staring at the staff lines waiting for inspiration, but as usual when you want inspiration to strike, it never does. Supposedly he was blessed with all three of the Bardic gifts (Bardic empathy, Creativity, and Playing ability), even though his Bardic gift was somewhat weak. His Talent at playing was never a question. In fact, he picked up new instruments with an ease that left the other students in awe. And he was superb on his favorites.
But the Creativity always seemed to elude him. His teachers all insisted they had seen evidence of his ability to create, and there had been times he had come up with little ditties for fun that were amusing, but sitting down and trying to write for his class always became a discouraging task.
A quick knock on the door broke Robin from his musings and he looked up to see Gena stick her head in the door. "Hey Gena," Robin said with a smile and pushed away from the small table.
"Robin," Gena responded with her usual cheerful smile. "Have you seen that tall roommate of yours?"
Robin shook his head, "Not for a while. I'm not sure where he is at the moment, but you are more than welcome to hang out here with me 'till he gets back."
The words had barely left Robin's mouth before Gena had made herself comfortable in his room. Not that Robin minded. It had taken a while to get used to Gena when he had first arrived in Haven and found himself as Adame's roommate. But Gena had a way of worming into everyone's hearts.
"So, what do you think of Lena?" Gena asked out of the blue.
"What do you mean?" Robin asked, trying to fight the blush he felt coming on. He had figured it was only a matter of time before she had asked about the relationship, but couldn't help wishing she had asked Leana about it instead.
Gena smirked at his reaction and replied, "Not that; unless you have something interesting you need to share…" Robin shook his head emphatically and Gena let out a small sigh before continuing. "I mean about how she seems to be acting. I think she's getting better, but I don't see her quite as much as you do."
"Ah," Robin thought about it. "I'd like to say she's all better, but there have been times in the past that I though that and then things came down again."
"Very true," acknowledged Gena. "But I don't know – this time it seems a bit more genuine somehow."
"It does," Robin agreed, allowing some of the relief out that he had been trying to hold back. "But I really don't want to jinx anything."
"Yeah." Gena looked thoughtful for a few minutes and then suggested, "Why don't we agree to look out for her together? You and I see her at different times, so we can keep tabs on her for a large part of the day."
"I don't know. Doesn't that seem an awful lot like spying on her?"
"We're trying to help," protested Gena. "And Stormdancer did mention that we should let her know if there is something going on with Lena. I don't really think that it would be considered spying; it would be looking out for a friend."
"All right," Robin agreed. "But I think that we should keep it between us. I don't want other people to be gossiping about her. The last thing we need is for people to make her uncomfortable."
"So, we'll just keep an eye on her. If I notice something odd, I'll come to you about it and if you notice something odd you come to me."
"Unless it's something big," countered Robin. "If it seems really bad, like that tree – then we go to Stormdancer right away."
"Agreed."
& & & & &
It was late. Again. And Leana was still awake. Again. Three nights in a row and Leana still didn't feel tired enough to sleep. She still had some more catch up work to do, but didn't really feel like doing any more work. She glanced at the book by her bed, but that wasn't all that interesting. Maybe she just needed a new book.
Smiling to herself, Leana made her way down the hallways until she reached the palace library. Being a Heraldic trainee, she was allowed full access to the books. She began to wander the shelves, hoping to find something that would interest her. Or at least keep her occupied until it was time to get ready for the next day.
& & & & &
Gena was on her way to lunch when she heard a name that caught her attention. She glanced over and saw Toni and Travys, the two boys in Leana's class standing outside a room.
"I just think there might be something wrong with her, Travys," Toni continued. Gena stopped by a nearby alcove to listen to what the boys were saying.
Travys deeper voice answered, "Leana's fine, Toni. Just because she was a little chatty at lunch doesn't mean anything."
"But it does, Trav. I've heard the stories, all the rumors, and I've seen some of it myself. When Leana starts talking all the time, she's about to blow. It's like a warning sign. Someone needs to tell the Heralds."
"Tell them what, exactly?" Travys countered. "That you're scared of your yearmate?"
"Yeah, I'm scared. And you should be, too."
"Toni, Leana is not going to hurt you."
"Maybe not on purpose, but look what she did to Aime. She was walking around with a black eye for nearly a week."
Travys was quiet for so long that Gena wasn't sure he had anything to reply to that. Then she heard him ask softly, "Has your Companion said anything about being worried about Leana?"
"No," came the grudging response.
"The Companions all talk to each other and they share some of that concern with their Heralds. If Leana were a danger, don't you think that her Companion would share that information with the others?"
"I guess."
"I have an idea," Travys offered. "I think you're overreacting, but I'll try to keep a close eye on Leana. If I think there's anything other than some chattiness going on, I will tell the senior Heralds immediately. Okay?"
"Okay," Toni agreed, but he didn't sound all that happy about it.
Gena stayed in her alcove as the boys wandered off. Was Toni right? Did Leana's problems always start with her being chatty?
And was Travys right? Would Yonell tell anyone if Leana was having trouble? Or would she not share that information because the other Heralds would react like Toni? It was hard to say just how much information was shared among the Companions because they liked to keep things secretive. Maybe it was possible that the Heralds wouldn't know of a danger in their midst until it was too late.
As Gena was thinking, she saw a figure covered in grays scurry past. It was Leana and she was headed away from the great hall and lunch. Had she heard what her yearmates had said?
& & & & &
Leana ran outside and headed out towards Companion's Field. She could hardly believe what she had overheard. Her friends, her yearmates were discussing whether or not she was about to go crazy. At least Travys didn't seem too concerned. Leana thought as she reached the fence and Yonell's waiting comfort.
:Dearheart, you shouldn't let this get you upset.:
:But Toni – he thinks I'm dangerous. He thinks I'm going to hurt someone.:
:Not on purpose, Leana. He just thinks that you may hurt someone when you aren't yourself. He's just scared.:
:That's what is so bad about it, though. He thinks I might hurt someone unintentionally. How can I battle that? I can't argue that anything can stop that.:
:Actually, you can argue that Stormdancer and Talia are helping you prevent that. Between them they will make sure that you aren't going to hurt someone accidentally because of your gift or any other reason.:
Leana nodded and was glad that this episode hadn't made her burst into tears. A couple of weeks ago, she would have been bawling by now. She spent a few minutes with her Companion, not feeling like facing the others inside.
As she walked away from Yonell and back towards her hectic life as a trainee, she had an inspiration. If my talking is upsetting Toni so much, I'll just have to tone it down when I'm around him. That would work well. Then no one would have to worry about her going crazy.
& & & & &
Leana was bored. There wasn't much to do in the middle of the night. She had long since finished all her class work and tomorrow was a free day from everything but gift training and weapon's practice. During the last couple of weeks, Leana had used her time wisely enough to get completely caught up and she no longer felt as if she were trying to swim across a huge current. Of course, it was pretty easy to use time wisely when sleep was no longer occupying a great deal of it.
Leana's gaze fell on the journal, whose cover was only slightly visible amongst the chaos that had taken residence on top of her bookcase. I know Stormdancer thinks that silly journal will help me, but ever since I stopped writing in it, I've been feeling better. Maybe all I needed from it was a big cry over my father and since I've done that, I don't need to use it anymore. Feeling much better about the fact she hadn't been writing in her journal, Leana went back to contemplating what to do with her time.
She had cut the library trips to a minimum. Too many people were beginning to notice her late night wanderings, so she had tried to alternate nights. But in her room, there was little that could hold her interest. Reading was a pastime meant for relaxing and Leana felt anything but relaxed.
A light mental probe in Yonell's direction confirmed that her Companion was sound asleep and Leana didn't feel as if she could wake her. She wished that Robin were here. Even if it was the middle of the night, he could at least entertain her with music.
Of course, he's probably asleep like everyone else. Leana thought to herself. I don't know why I don't need to sleep as much as everyone else, but I really can't complain. But I wish Robin were the same way. That way we could see more of each other. Between Talia taking up time in the afternoons and rehearsals taking up the evening, we haven't really gotten a chance to see each other much.
Leana contemplated the tea for a moment. I wonder if it really is the tea that makes me need less sleep. If so, maybe I could give some to Robin. Then I wouldn't be by myself so much at night.
The more Leana thought about it, the more she wished that Robin could be up at night with her. Nighttime was supposed to be romantic, right? And she could use some quality time with Robin now that she was feeling better. No more tears, no more strange things going on, no more gift weirdness, and most importantly, she felt happy almost all the time now. And Robin seemed really pleased with the progress that Leana had made. Things weren't so bad after all. Now if only Robin were here, Leana thought again.
She picked up the quill from its resting place atop her books and twirled it in her fingers as she allowed herself to imagine Robin coming over and surprising her. An unexpected knock on her door pulled Leana out of her thoughts.
Her door opened to reveal Robin standing there. "Robin," she said as she dropped her quill back onto the table. "What are you doing here?"
Robin looked around her room for a moment as if looking for something before his gaze fell on Leana. "I…uh…Leana."
"Robin," Leana repeated.
"I'm not sure what I'm doing here." Leana watched as Robin began to prowl around her room, obviously uncomfortable about something. He stopped when he came to her obviously unused bed. He glanced at the time candle, then back to the bad before taking a closer look at the chaos that was on Leana's table. "What are you doing up?"
Leana shrugged, "I was just working on some stuff," she hedged. "I guess I just lost track of time. Besides, you're the one walking around in the middle of the night."
"But I had been asleep, until something woke me," protested Robin. "Like any normal person would be at this time of night."
"Normal," Leana said flatly, not liking the implications of Robin's remark. "So just because I lost track of time, I'm not normal?"
"Don't get so defensive, Lena. I'm just saying that it's seems odd that it's the middle of the night and you're not sleeping. It doesn't even look like you've gotten ready for bed. Now, I'm not saying that it means anything, but maybe you should talk to Stormdancer about it."
"Why?" demanded Leana. "I'm not tired during the day and I haven't even been all that moody lately. I've just been having more energy the last couple of weeks. I was even thinking earlier that it might be from the tea. What if the tea just gives me extra energy? I mean, it might be kind of hard for other people to adjust to me being awake so much, but it doesn't really seem bad. Not like before when-"
"Lena," Robin stated, placing his hands on her shoulders in order to get her to stop talking. "This is more than just one night of not being able to sleep. Can you hear yourself right now?"
"What do you mean? I'm not saying anything crazy or even going off about how you're accusing me of something."
"No," Robin sighed. "But you're talking very fast and that's something that worries me."
Leana pulled away from Robin's grasp. "Well, maybe I don't need you to worry so much."
Robin rubbed his hands over his face. "You know what? It's late and we're probably both too tired to handle a rational conversation. I'm going to go back to bed." Leana refused to acknowledge Robin's comment and he sighed again. "Just do me one favor? When you talk to Stormdancer tomorrow, let her know that you're not sleeping. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing exactly, but if it is the tea that's keeping you up, she may be able to help."
"I guess," Leana grudgingly admitted.
"Good night, Lena," Robin said softly as he exited her room.
Leana dropped to her bed, feeling upset at the encounter. Robin had seemed to think her staying up was a problem. Not to mention the talking Well, if Leana was honest with herself, she had to admit she knew the talkativeness had been coming back full force. She had been concentrating very hard the last week to keep anyone else from noticing. But why should that mean something's wrong?
& & & & &
Robin struggled with this new problem with Leana. On the one hand, he didn't think one night of missed sleep was really a problem. On the other, he didn't think it had been just one night. Not the way Leana had been talking. She may not have come right out and said it, but she had implied thinking the tea was causing sleeplessness and if last night had been the first time – well, he didn't think Leana would have bothered contemplating the problem.
But was it a problem? Leana was right; she didn't seem tired during the day. And she had been so cheerful lately that Robin had been hoping Stormdancer had found a cure for her.
But then again, there was the talkativeness. Robin remembered Toni whispering that he was scared Leana was going to go completely crazy and hurt someone, or herself, by accident. He had said the first warning sign was showing up because Leana was talking so much again.
However, was the talkativeness really a sign of something wrong or was it just a part of Leana? The last thing Robin wanted to do was make Leana more self-conscious about herself. But again, he didn't want to ignore any warning signs that may occur. It was important to keep Leana from suffering another full-blown episode. It would be better for everyone, Leana included, if another tree or attacking episode could be completely avoided.
Robin sighed. This problem was too big for him to tackle alone and he just couldn't trust that Leana would bring the matter up to Stormdancer. So the real question was, did he go and speak with Stormdancer himself, or wait and see if Leana did?
And which would be worse?
Not for the first time, Robin desperately wished he could talk with Yonell. He knew the Companion bond was an intimate one. He wondered what it must be like to be connected to someone's mind so closely, but shuddered at the thought of what Yonell must have gone through when Leana was fighting against Aime and Stormdancer several weeks ago. Maybe being closely attuned to someone's mind wasn't all that great.
Thinking of Leana after she'd been drugged into unconsciousness for several days made up Robin's mind. Leana was never going through that again. Not if he could help it. He grabbed his cloak and headed for Stormdancer's room.
& & & & &
"I have to admit, I am a little surprised to see you here," Stormdancer told him. "Surprised, but pleased. I wasn't sure what Leana's friends really thought of me."
"You're a little intimidating," Robin admitted. "And we don't really understand what Leana's going through, so understanding your role in it – well, it's just not something we're used to."
"Of course. But I don't imagine that you came here just to talk about what it is I do."
"No, I didn't. I'm worried about Leana. She's not acting herself." Robin waited for Stormdancer to agree.
"I was under the impression that she was doing much better, actually. She's been much more cheerful about life, she's gotten her school under control, and she hasn't gotten really mad at anyone recently."
"But she's – she's-" Robin stopped, taking a breath, trying to figure out how best to explain what he knew was wrong. Stormdancer just sat calmly, waiting for him to find the words. "She's too full of energy. She's always pacing or bouncing up and down. She's been talking a lot more recently, and not just in amount, but in speed. It seems like she has trouble focusing on things that take more than half a candlemark of concentration. And I don't think she's even sleeping anymore – and-" Robin saw a look pass across the Kestra'chern's face. "And none of this is a surprise to you."
"Not really, though I have to wonder how you know that Leana is not sleeping." Robin felt himself blush and tried to formulate a response, but Stormdancer waved him off.
"I can't share anything with you about my time with Leana. What she chooses to share with her friends is up to her. But I can tell you a little bit about the tea she's taking. It is supposed to be a great help to her, which I believe it has already proven to be.
"But there was always the possibility that there would need to be something other than this tea to help her. I was just waiting to see the full effect of what had been going on. And I do have to admit that I am a little concerned that Leana didn't tell me any of this."
"Lena hasn't really shared any of this with anyone. She's been trying hard to act like there isn't anything wrong; to the point where I was wondering if there really was anything wrong. If I hadn't ended up in her room in the middle of the night last night, I probably wouldn't be here now."
"Just how did you end up in Leana's room last night?"
Robin tried not to blush. After all it was totally innocent. "I'm not sure exactly why I went to go see her. I woke from sleep last night and it was really dark and quiet. I was thinking about Lena and suddenly I just had to see her. I just got up and walked over to her room and she was still up."
"Is that usual for you? To get up and check on your friends when you think about them?"
"No," admitted Robin. "But I've been thinking a lot about her. In the past, things would calm down with her right before they went nuts again. I was hoping that this time it was going to last."
"Do you know why you woke up? Were you having a bad dream?"
"No, nothing like that. I just – woke up. Why?"
"It may be nothing, but I just want to make sure that this isn't a part of Leana's gift manifesting itself."
"You mean that I was influenced by – but she wasn't talking – I wasn't even – wow." The thought was more than a little sobering. To be able to influence someone from that far away – and while the person was asleep!
& & & & &
Leana wasn't mad. No, this feeling had a bit more calm to it than mad would have. No, she was incensed. He had absolutely no right. No right at all! How dare he!
She threw open Robin's door without knocking, not caring if Adame and Gena were inside. Luckily for them, the only one inside was Robin. He looked up from his lute as she entered.
"How could you?" she shot off before Robin could even stammer a greeting. "I can't believe that you would do something this – this underhanded."
"Leana what are you-"
"You know how hard I've tried to get better. I've done everything that people have asked of me. I've been trying to get my gift under control and have been working with Talia every day for the past month. Then you have to go behind my back and tell Stormdancer that I'm not doing better. But I am. You know I am. I've been so happy lately and I've been feeling like everything's under control-"
"But it's not, Lena. You're not sleeping and –"
"So what? Have you ever been up late at night because you're doing something and just lost track of time? That's all this was and now Stormdancer's breathing down my neck because you told her I wasn't sleeping. And she's bugging me about that stupid journal and asking me questions about bringing you to my room last night when you're the one who came over. And she's saying that there's something more wrong with me; that the tea may not be enough even though I have been feeling really great."
"I'm sorry Lena, but I was concerned that something might be wrong."
"So you go behind my back? You could've talked to me about it first."
"I tried," Robin protested. "You didn't want to hear about it."
"You left! You said it was too late at night to talk about it and left. Then the next day instead of talking to me you go and tell Stormdancer. Of all my friends, I thought I could trust you, but I just can't."
"Leana, I only want what's best for you. I care about you."
"Well, if this is the result of you caring for me, then maybe you should just stop doing it," Leana fumed. "I really don't need you meddling in my life making it harder."
"I didn't realize I was making it harder for you," Robin responded angrily. "And friends care about each other, Leana, even when it means making them uncomfortable about something. We're only trying to help."
Leana paused in her tirade and glared at Robin, "We? What we? Have you been talking to someone else about this?"
"Please, Leana. Gena and I are your best friends, of course we would be trying to take care of you."
"I can't believe the two of you have been talking about me behind my back! I get enough of that from Heraldic trainees, not to mention the other students in the Collegium." Leana shouted. "You need to just stay out of my life. And that goes for Gena, too, but I'm sure you'll tell her all about it the next time you see her."
"That's not fair, Leana!" Robin countered.
"I don't have to be fair," Leana retorted. "I'm crazy, remember?" She grabbed the door and left, slamming it behind her. As she walked down the hall, she heard a thud against the wall and knew that Robin was angry with her.
Well, good! Maybe it'll do him some good to feel as mad and betrayed as I do for once!