Title: A Lonely Angel
Summary: Loneliness and misery, the duel curses of the Time Lords. How does this lonely angel cope with this eternal solitude? Is it even possible?
Doctor: Number 10 (David Tennant)
Time Frame: Just after The Girl In The Fireplace
Word Count: 861
Author's Note: Bitten by a plot bunny. I thought that it was necessary. I mean, come on, that moment was born to be angst...
Disclaimer: I do not own Dr Who in any way, shape or form. If I did, I would be spending a lot of time with David Tennant and I'm not (which is a real pity). Also, this would have been in the actual series. Be warned Americans! This is spoilers for the Tennant series and I don't believe that you have that yet. Be warned other countries as well. Except Britain.
Too late.
Too late.
The thought is like a hammer blow. Two little words. A thousand throbs of guilt. He took too long. If he had taken a minute less, two seconds less, he could have made it. Maybe. But he hadn't. He'd been too late.
And he'd never even said goodbye.
The letter that Reinette had written to him is tucked in his jacket, the paper pressed against his chest, crackling when he moves to gently manipulate the controls of his beloved Tardis as it carries them through the whirling wilderness of space and time. The only home that he has ever known. His lonely, empty sanctuary.
Child of the wilderness,
Born into emptiness...
Flick a switch here, press a button there. A black void swirls outside and a darkness swirls inside of his mind. Subconsciously, he searches through it, finding his way hesitantly through the mental shade, searching for explanation, definition. There's grief. Grief and guilt. He fails them all. They weaken, sicken, decay, and he abandons them. Like Sarah Jane Smith. Like Reinette. He lives on, regenerating, eternal and eternally alone. And they die.
...Learn to be lonely.
Learn to find your way in darkness...
There will always be women willing to travel with him. Willing to care about him. The next Sarah Jane, the next Rose Tyler, but it makes no difference. They all die in the end. Leaving him alone again to wander. Prolonged life: the gift of the Time Lords; the curse of the Time Lords.
...Who will be there for you?
Comfort and care for you?...
In the end, he is the only one who endures as all around him crumble and die. Like Reinette, who had loved him. Who had waited six years for him, only to be disappointed on her death bed. Is it any wonder that he became so attached to K9, a metallic dog who could never age or die. A creature as eternal as himself. But K9 is with Sarah Jane, and Rose is showing Mickey around the Tardis. He has never felt so alone before.
...Learn to be lonely.
Learn to be your one companion...
He doesn't even know if Rose does care for him. Why should she, after the way she saw him treat Sarah Jane? Admittedly, she had kissed him once, but that had been Cassandra. Who says that Rose wanted to kiss him in the first place? Is there anybody out there who he can give his metaphorical heart to? Anybody who he can truly care without all the pain of loss, and death? Arms to hold him, comfort to give?
...Ever dreamed, out in the world,
There are arms to hold you?...
Of course there isn't. He's alone and he knows it. There is nobody for him.
...You've always know:
Your heart is on its own...
A lonely angel, Reinette had called him. She had seen into his mind, into his past, as he had looked into hers. A lonely child of the wilderness of time. Infinite years that stretch before him, filled with wretchedness, loneliness, misery. He laughs sardonically, bitterly. As if he hasn't thought all of this before...
...So laugh in your loneliness,
Child of the wilderness...
He hears footsteps behind him and glances over his shoulder. It's Rose. Minus Mickey. God knows where Mickey is; personally, he doesn't really want to think about it. She walks up to his side, smiling at him in a slightly nervous fashion, as though she is unsure of his potential reaction, as he turns back to the controls.
"Are you okay?" she asks. "I know I already asked, but-"
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" he replies.
He feels her put a hand on his arm and stops what he is doing to stare at her in mild surprise. It's not like her to invade his "personal space", so to speak. And her expression is unusually serious.
"I just want to make sure that you're okay," she says.
He flashes her a brief smile.
"I'm fine," he repeats.
He shouldn't really let her get closer to him. It will just hurt them both. He should learn to love his lonely life.
...Learn to be lonely.
Learn how to love life that is lived alone...
Rose smiles, apparently satisfied, places her hands on the nearest empty solid surface, and leans on her arms, her shoulder just touching his arm.
"So," she says, "where are we going then?"
"Where do you want to go?" he counters.
"Oh, I don't know," she says. "Maybe we should ask Mickey where he wants to go, as he's the new boy."
"Where did you leave him anyway?"
"The swimming pool. He seemed to find it interesting, for some reason."
"Oh. Makes sense."
It's casual conversation. Pointless. Why does it make him feel... better? Why does that shoulder lightly touching his bring comfort? Wasn't he born to be alone?
...Learn to be lonely.
Life can be lived, life can be loved...
But who wants to be alone?
...Alone.
"Are you sure that you're okay?" Rose asks, her expression slightly concerned again.
"I'm fine," the Doctor replies.
And this time, he means it.