Chapter 4
"I'll deal with you..." Minerva McGonagall counted on her fingers. "I'll deal with you two later."
When she arrived in the Great Hall she saw nothing but unbridled chaos. Winged squirrels dived kamikaze-style into students' heads, and students dived coward-style under the tables. Chittering and screaming filled the hall, reverberating off the cloudy ceiling. Dumbledore arrived behind the stricken McGonagall. "It seems Hagrid had angered these creatures about nine months ago," he said.
"I'll take care of this. Zygoscatio!" she incantated, waving her wand at the squirrels. The creatures chirruped in agony as they transformed into piles of moldy poop and splatted onto the floor. Shouts of "eek!" quickly changed to "eew!" all around. The surviving squirrels bravely turned and fled. Once the noise had settled down, everyone turned to stare at the sound of obscenities coming from under the teachers' table. Snape crawled out from under it with a bleeding bite wound on his forearm, and he swearing loudly about it, and about how much he really hated squirrels and would kill them all if he could.
Pomfrey dashed over to him and endearingly held his arm. "Here, dearest, let me have a look at this." She took a long look and nodded solemnly.
"Well? What's the news?" he said grimly.
"It seems...you have been bitten," she said just as grimly.
"Severus, go with her to the hospital wing for a better look," Albus said.
"But--" Snape started to complain.
"If you don't go right this instant you can forget about teaching DADA ever again," Dumbledore said firmly. Severus bolted for the hospital wing.
McGonagall leaned on Albus and hugged him. "You handled that perfectly, bunny-huggims."
"I know, mookie-pumpkin. Now, why don't you go check on the ol' greasy git." She nodded and ran off to follow Snape and Pomfrey.
In the hospital wing, Severus lay on a hospital bed while Pomfrey inspected him under a microscope that was larger than herself. "Hmm," she said. "Yep, you've definitely been bitten."
"I know that!" he snapped. "But what bit me?"
"A were-squirrel. Every full moon you'll turn into one of them. And it's starting to get to be that time of month, so..."
"Heh-heh, Snape's got a 'that time of month'," snickered a broken-legged Alicia Spinnet from an adjacent bed.
"...SO...I'll have to give you a vaccination so you can teach your class this month," Pomfrey said and pulled out a gargantuan needle.
"Um, no, that's fine. I'm okay with turning into a squirrel each month. Really!" he said, starting to sit up.
"Nonsense! It's my duty as the nurse to treat each and every one of my patients." She jumped on him, wrestling and working up a sweat as she tried to restrain him. Evidently he didn't like needles much. She finally managed to pin his hands down with her knees, straddling his chest and using the needle propped in the crack between her boobies to vaccinate him. Just then Madam Sprout was delivering a box of medicinal herbs and walked in to find the scene. She dropped the box on the floor and stared with wide eyes. "What are you two -doing-! Ugh! Get a room!"
"It's not what it looks like!" Pomfrey protested.
"Sure, you're just saying that!" Snape said. "But from down here, it's pretty sexy!" He sounded very angry about it. Or he tried to, anyway. Pomfrey smacked him.
"Dirty old man! You need a spanking!"
Sprout stared in disbelief. Justin Finch-Fletchley burst into the room suddenly. "Did I hear someone say 'sexy'? Wow, you're hot!" He pointed at the three females at the same time.
"Fifty points from Hufflepuff you little pervert!" Snape shouted.
"Hey!" Sprout said.
"Ch'yah, HE'S the pervert..." Alicia said with a typical teenager eye-roll.
"Fifty points from Gryffindor, too!" he barked at the girl.
"Hey!" Pomfrey said.
"What, is that your house?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know." She shrugged. "Rowling never mentioned it."
"Well...detention for both of you kids!" he said. Alicia moaned, and Justin trudged away.
McGonagall had remembered halfway going to the hospital wing that she still had the Malfoy-Granger issue to deal with and she took a detour through some closets and lavatories and finally got to her office, where the Devil's snare kept a firm hold on Hermione, Lucius, and the infant, which wasn't blue anymore but a healthy beige. Minerva stepped up and looked at them. Hermione stared helplessly. Lucius glared helplessly. The baby pooped and spit up.
"If you two promise not to fight, I'll let you go," the professor said.
"I promise," Hermione said.
Lucius rolled his eyes much like Alicia had done not long ago. "Keh."
"Lucius Quattlebaum Malfoy, you promise you won't kill those children right this instant!" Minerva said in a deadly tone. Not that Quattlebaum was his middle name or anything, but she didn't know what it was and just used the first name that came to mind.
"Fiiine...I promise..." he said with a sigh and another eye-roll.
"Say it like you mean it."
He gritted his teeth. "I promise," he said, eyes fixed firmly in place.
"What do you promise?"
"I promise not to kill the mudblood and her stupid baby."
"Alright then." Minerva nodded, and untransfigured the desk. The three now-unentangled ones fell to the floor. "Shake on it," McGonaggal said, and Lucius reluctantly shook Hermione's hand, then cleaned his hands with a damp cloth and sprayed some disinfectant on it.
"Muggle items don't work in Hogwarts!" Hermione shrieked, trying to defend what the books had taught her if it would be the last thing she did.
"Oh," he said, and the canister exploded, taking off his hand. Sigh. "Can I just go see my son now?"
"He's in his dorm right now...I suppose you can, since you're both Slytherin," McGonaggal said. "But no going into the girls' dormitory!"
"Jeez, can't you just drop that already!" he exclaimed.
"It's still the record simultaneous loss of points from a single house to date, Mr. Malfoy," she said frankly.
"It was just a -joke-!"
"No one found it very funny, Mr. Malfoy."
He rolled his eyes. "Fine, what-EV-er. Can I just, like, go see my son now?" She nodded. He left. Those were boring sentences, I know.
When he arrived in the Slytherin common room, he was amazed by the overwhelming nostalgia, and by the strange whooshing sound coming from the nose in the corner, and by the fact that him having gotten into the room meant that the password had not changed in the past few decades since he had been a schoolboy. He would have to find the person in charge of passwords and beat them with a stick for stupidity. Later, not now. For now he had to beat Draco with a stick for stupidity instead. Maybe he'd get lucky and Draco would be the one in charge of passwords and Lucius would beat two birds with one...stick.
"Hm..." He looked around to make sure no one was watching, and then he snuck quietly into the girls' dorm. "Heh heh heh." Milicent Bulstrode stood there in a sheer nightgown, combing cat hair out of her own hair. This meant either her cat shed projectilely or she liked to wear her feline as a hat.
Lucius crouched in the doorway and gave a long, low, lewd whistle, regretting it as soon as he had done it. Milicent jumped and turned to spot him there, shrieked at the strange man, and dove into a chest which she locked herself inside of. Lucius quickly stood and walked away, trying to look innocent as he crossed into the boys' dormitory.
Draco was stretched belly-down on the bed, writing in his Lisa Frank brand diary, the one with the purple and pink kittens on the cover. "Dear Diary," he was reading aloud as he wrote, "Today I made a pass at Katie Bell, but she punched me in the face and told me to suck scum. That really hurts my feelings. I like her alot. It makes me sad. I know that I really love Hermione and all that, but Katie's so cute and dreamy..." Siiigh. "...Anyway, Terence Higgs called me fat and made me cry for an hour. I ate a Chocolate Orgasm and felt better. I wrote a poem about how much that hurts me. The insult, I mean, not the chocolate. Deep down inside, in the depths of my black soul, My black void, my black heart, my black rose..."
"That is the most horrendous poetry I have ever heard," Lucius said. Draco squeaked, throwing the diary across the room where it hit Adrian Pucey in the face.
"I can SO write better poetry than that," Lucius went on. "O thou chrysanthemum likyth an oceane of bloode, only thy ravyn undyrstanth mine owne painst, O calleth of sweete dreame, O hollowe, mine ownst..."
"What are you doing here?" Draco interrupted.
"Hm? Oh, right." The elder Malfoy plopped on the bed, slung Draco over his knees, and started spanking his viciously. "You stupid little brat! How dare you deflower yourself with that filthy mudblood! How dare you dishonour the Malfoy name by spilling your seed with muggle-born swine! How dare you do this sort of thing at FIFTEEN, no less! Your mother and I always told you, 'Wait until you're sixteen!', but nooo, you just couldn't keep it in your pants for one whole year, could you!"
"Um, sir, I don't know who you are, but what are you doing in our dorm and why are you spanking Draco?" Adrian said.
"Just having a little father-son chat."
"Oh, alright then, bye." Adrian meandered off to the girls' dorm to see if Milicent was available for a booty call.
The hoarse call of a man whose body was being rent by an evil curse came suddenly from the common room. The two Malfoys ran to see what was happening. There was Snape, shaking all over, bent over double, coughing and cringing.
"S...save yourself!" he said through gritted teeth. "I'm...I'm a lycan...FLY, YOU FOOLS!"
But Pomfrey's medicine kicked in at that moment and Snape fell face-first onto the floor-rug with a huge fluffy tail sticking out of his posterior and a pair of miniscule dragon wings from his shoulder blades. He stood up, brushed himself off, trying to keep cool and composed. Draco barely surpressed a snigger.
"Do NOT laugh," Snape said in a voice of steel, and stalked out of the room.