Chapter 5

After everything that had happened in previous months, everyone pretty much assumed that it was going to be a relatively normal day at Hogwarts. Except that the Quidditch game had been cancelled on account of renegade packs of squirrels. And that Hermione was now toting an infant everywhere (gender as yet undetermined). And that a new DADA teacher had come in to replace the despicable Dolores. And that Professor Sprout had lost an arm to a venus flytrap. And that everyone had actually assumed it was going to be a normal day at Hogwarts, the most abnormal school in the country.

"Herms, are you ever going to name that baby?" Harry asked that day at breakfast.

"I want to choose a name together with my lovely Draco," she said, hearts in her eyes.

Harry made a face. "Could you please not refer to him as 'lovely'? I might lose my lunch."

"You haven't even had lunch yet," Ron remarked. "Hermione, I don't think you've even had breakfast!"

"I have to feed my baby first," she said, and proceeded to do so. Neville fainted at the sight. Fred and George hooted and cat-called. Justin Finch-Fletchley bored holes through her with his gaze from the Hufflepuff's table.

"Hermione Granger, stop doing that right now!" McGonagall said, standing.

"One hundred points from Gryffindor!" Snape snarled.

"Oh no! Gryffindor's lost 170 points already!" Harry cried and collapsed from his chair in depression.

"I think he's become traumatized," Madam Hooch commented.

Justin sent a grotesquely flirtatious gaze at the Quidditch professor. "Hey baby, you're hot. Wanna come to the Hufflepuff common room and see -my- broomstick?" he purred.

"Fifty points from Hufflepuff and expulsion for sexual harrassment!" Dumbledore bellowed angrily.

Justin sauntered over to Hermione on his way out. "You know, if that Malfoy kid dumps you, I'll always be available if you need any...'comforting'," he said with a wink, and left. She ignored him as she continued to feed the infant.

"Miss Granger, either start bottle-feeding, or take your baby and do that in private!" Professor Flitwick said.

"It's my baby too, you know!" Draco said defensively. The Slytherins sent scathing glares at him from all around the table.

"You really let yourself go," Blaise Zabini said coldly, "Sleeping with people like her."

"Hah!" Ron laughed. "It's good to see even his own house hates that pasty little pansy."

"How dare you!" Hermione bawled. "He's my lover! He's perfect!" She broke down into maniacal sobbing. Before Ron could respond, she stopped and smiled. "Sorry. Overreacted a bit."

"You and your mood swings..." he muttered.

"WHAT!" she shrieked, bloodshot eyes bulging. The infant began to cry, and she settled down immediately to sing it a lullaby. "You are my darkness...my only darkness...you make me de-pressed, when skies are fine...You don't know, brat, how much I hate you...so please leave, and don't come back anytime..."

"Isn't it supposed to go, 'you are my sunshine, my only sunshine...'?" Harry said. Before she could start screaming at him, the headmaster announced it was time for class with Snape.

When the students arrived in the dungeons, they found the classroom door was locked. Argus shuffled over to them, cradling Mrs. Norris as usual. "You dumb kids," he growled, "It's time for Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Why do you hang out in the dungeons so much? I bet you're down here having a love affair with your mangy cat, you pathetic squib!" Harry said. "Sorry. Someone put a 'say what you're thinking but not what is polite' hex on me. Ron, you're not very smart."

"I think you're right, Harry!" Luna Lovegood said. "He probably IS having an affair with his cat!"

"What? That's nonsense!" Argus said. "What would make you think a silly thing like that?"

"The fact I caught you making out with her down here last night," put in Hannah Abbott.

"That, er, wasn't her."

"Ew, was it...Crookshanks?" said Pansy Parkinson. Everyone shuddered at the mental picture of the smoosh-faced hairball...and Crookshanks was pretty ugly, too.

"No, it wasn't Crookshanks!" Argus said.

"Was it Milicent's cat?" said Sally-Anne Perks.

"My cat would never make out with that chumface!" Milicent said.

"It wasn't any of your stupid cats!" Filch barked.

"But I saw it with my own eyes! It was a cat!" Hannah said.

"Or...someone in cat form..."

"Ew, Professor McGonagall?"

"Um. Yes. I have to go." With that, Argus scuttled off.

"But I saw Minerva being all cuddly with Dumbledore!" Harry said.

"Well, I saw her with Snape," Ron said. The children all felt shocked and disgusted with the author for making Minerva such a ho. Suddenly, Harry reached up, took firm hold of the Fourth Wall, and tore it down to stare up at me as I typed.

"Hey! Could you please stop making these weird pairs of people? I'm getting scared I'll end up with someone horrible!" he shouted up at me.

"Like Professor Trelawney?" I said.

"Ugh, yes. She'd be an awful date, always telling me I was going to die..."

"Good..." I said, and put the Fourth Wall back up in its proper place. Sybil Trelawney appeared in the halls and strutted up behind Harry, placing her hands on his shoulders. "Hello, loofy-puggins."

Fear seized his heart and wracked his brain. His blood ran cold. Sweat formed on his brow. He began to shake and seemed to have become catatonic and apopleptic from the mere thought of dating or mating with Sybil.

"Hurry!" Ron shouted in a panic. "We have to get him to higher ground before he goes into shock!" The students snatched Harry from Trelawney's grip and made a mad dash up the staircase, fleeing towards DADA class, where Snape was waiting less than patiently and removed fifty points from each house for tardiness. This only made to further traumatize poor Harry, since his house's stature was incredibly important. He had a short seizure and mini-stroke before managing to get into his seat.

Snape stood and unrolled a diagram on the wall and opened his mouth to teach and stopped when he heard the incorrigable Lisa Turpin of Ravenclaw sniggering. He sighed through his nostrils and turned to glare.

"And what, young lady, is so funny?" he said thickly.

"Your tail!" she giggled.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw," he said.

"It's such a cute little tail, though! It's all fuzzy and adorable!" Harry said.

"Ow, I'm SO not going to the prom with you," Snape said. Then, seeing their odd stares, he added, "What? I liked 'That 80s Show'."

"Really? It's, uh, on right now," Harry lied.

"What!" Snape sped away, abandoning the class.

"Great. Now we have an hour to kill and no pot," Ron griped. The rest of the class lamented about that for a while, and wondered if they might be able to sneak down to Hagrid's to get some more, when Terr Bott suddenly piped up.

"Let's go beat up Percy so he stops acting so...Percy-like," he suggested. The children stood at once and began jumping on tables, shouting and chanting, "Death to redheads! Death to redheads!" Ron hid under the professor's desk as the sudden mob of kids bashed down the door and rioted in the halls, attacking any redheads they encountered. Susan Bones (woo, a second mention!) fled into a broom closet with Ginny and hid while the class marched by with torches and pitchforks. Finally the professors came and valiantly fought back the rogue children with mace and tear gas, herding them back to their dorms and restoring order in the school once more.

Bad kids, bad kids, whatcha gunna do, whatcha gunna do when the come for you? BAD KIDS.