Disclaimer: It's JK Rowlings... I'm jealous, but its all hers. I am just glad we get to play in the wonderland she created!
Life Debts and Memories better left forgotten…
In the conference room at the Riddle house, Harry met with Rowan, Remus, and Sirius as soon as he was sure that the boys were safe. He had trouble starting the conversation and was relieved when the others came in. "Rowan, the child, Ian Richardson. His dad…" He words faltered. He just did not know how to tell her. Sirius growled a low throaty warning to his godson. She looked at him without interruption. "Okay, do you remember when Snape brought you back that December?"
She closed her eyes. She had never spoken of the kidnappings with Sirius, not even after all these years. The topic was never discussed and the nightmares had stopped. She really wasn't sure she could talk about it now, or ever again. But because she loved her son and the men who loved her were beside her, she nodded cautiously. Sirius' eyes narrowed as he realized that there was more going on than he knew.
"Well, when you got back, Madame Pomprey told us you probably wouldn't survive. You do know that, right?" She nodded again. Rowan's hand shook as she held his. Remus breath hitched at the memory of the time all those years ago in the Hospital Wing, as they both noticed a change in the way she breathed.
"Poppy brought in specialists from St. Mungo's; a Healer Richardson and his team, who literally saved your life. He told Remus that he had never seen the extent of internal trauma that you had experienced, but with a lot of magic, potions which were provided by Snape, and talent, they were able to… uh…repair the damage done to you by… them." He was choosing his words carefully.
She looked at him. "Healer... Richardson?" She had heard the name, but it was so distant. Like a memory that wasn't quite real, "Its been so long, I…don't remember, and I don't to anymore… please…" The memories she could not bear were threatening to break through the thin wall she had managed to erect in her mind to keep them away. Her whole body now shook. She pulled her hands away from Sirius and linked her fingers looking at them.
But Mason continued, "But there's a reason I bring this up mom. Please forgive me, but there is something you need to know. If you don't remember the details, that's not a bad thing. From what Severus told Remus, you were really messed up. But, Richardson, well, he literally sewed you back together. He thought for a bit that you would end up with a hysterectomy. You would have been lucky if you didn't end up losing most of your intestines as well, as well as… other... internal parts of that area…"
Sirius tensed at the words, he felt Rowan trembling in the seat next to him. He did not have enough information to get angry, yet. But he did know that the words being spoken were upsetting his wife and lover. He was getting angry at his son's lack of recognition regarding her state of mind. Another part of him wanted to hear what his son had to say.
Sirius watched as his son kneeled in front of his mother. Mason grasped her linked hands in his own, trying to steady them, "Mom, you've had time to deal with the actions of the people that caused you so much pain. Remus told us other details while you were… gone. I know you don't understand all of it. We never talk about it, and I don't know that now is the best time. But Mom, look, some of it… if Remus didn't exaggerate…I hope you never remember.
"While you know about how you got your injuries, we know what the extents of those injuries were. I wish like hell I could forget, but apparently Healer Richardson was amazing. He used a combination of Muggle techniques and Wizard healing techniques to save your life. He fought with us at Hogwarts. He and his wife were killed fighting for what we all believed in."
Sirius interjected, "All the children we save were fighting with us at Hogwarts. This one man is just that, another man that died. What is going on here?"
Mason looked up into her eyes, his own tears spilling over. "You have to understand this because you owe him... we all owe his memory to be sure his son is okay; but we let him down. We owe that man a life debt and we will repay his talent."
She tried to understand Sirius' question, and the explanation, but too many memories were coming back. Remus saw her eyes glaze over in the haze of pain and memories. Memories she had shut away. Pain she refused to give into came rushing through again. The fog in her mind was growing, even as she could see her son's pain; could feel her god son's anger. Her husband's inability to understand. Her own inability to explain it to him after so long.
She knew that she owed him more than he had received. She pulled away from her son. "I'm sorry. We… never talked about it Mason. But please…" her sentence jerked out as the words left her mouth, with a final pleading she stopped speaking as the darkness fought the fog deep inside of her mind.
Harry moved next to Mason, "Honestly, we didn't know any of it until after you left with Sirius. It took years to understand, because at the time we all avoided the whole thing while you went over the deep side. At that time, Severus,"
She shuddered at the mention of her lost lover's name. Sirius' face contorted with rage at his Godson when he mentioned Severus Snape in reference to his wife.
But Harry, unaware, or too deep in the explanation, plunged on, "and Remus seemed to be taking care of you, and it was easier if we just… pretended you were neurotic instead of consumed by pain or memories. Forgive me? I just… we didn't really plan to do this now, but because of Ian… it just seemed too much to have to deal with."
She stood quickly, her chair falling over in the process as she felt the darkness of that time overwhelming her, when she spoke, her words were as shaky as she felt. Her stomach rolled and threatened to spill its contents, "I can't... I need…I have to go."
She ran from the room as quickly as possible; running from the pain of the words and memories. Once in the hallway, she paused only long enough to vomit. Sirius had followed her quickly from the room and held her hair as she heaved. When she was finished, she stood and looked at him. When he reached to touch her face, she fled. The next thing anyone heard was the front door slam. She didn't stop running until she was at the Estate and safe.
When she got inside her home, she shut the door, breathing hard. Summoning the house elf, she told him that she was not to be disturbed by anyone and it was his job to be sure of that. With a nod of understanding, the House elf effectively shut down the house to outsiders, her husband, lover and children included, until she told him otherwise.
Mason and Harry rose when she did. They watched her go with Sirius chasing after. They all heard the splat of vomit as it hit the floor. They heard the fast steps of her running. The looked at the door in shock waiting for her return. Only when a chair was thrown through the large stained-glass window did their attention return to the man she had left behind.
Remus was angry as he watched and heard what the others did, in a fit of rage, he had hurled his chair through the window. As Remus fought for control, Sirius reentered the room. The slam of the door reverberated in the now icy wind blowing into the room. Remus stood panting, trying to calm enough to find the words. The broken glass had helped a bit, but not nearly enough. The group watched him as the two men turned to meet the group who still sat, almost speelbound, at the table.
Remus' anger, more controlled from his years as a wereworf, found words first, "How dare any of you..." but he was interupted by a low voice from the man next to him.
"I want an explanation why whatever you just talked about just made her vomit. And I want that explanation RIGHT. NOW."
Harry and Mason looked at each other, before turning back to Remus and Sirius. Mason started, "Didn't she ever tell you how she got those scars?"
Sirius shook his head. Remus picked up another chair and threw it through a second window before turning back to the set of men before him.
Harry swallowed hard. "Uhm, she didn't tell you... anything?" Sirius shook his head again. "And, Remus... he didn't..."
Remus and Sirius' met eyes for a moment and Sirius knew that his lover had kept something important from him. "No, and now is a good time to start telling me."
"Sirius, it is not ours to tell. Not the details." Harry continued. "About all I can tell you is that Rowan was...taken... by a bunch of Death Eaters... to Voldemort... for a couple..." he voice faultered for a moment. Regaining his nerve, he continued, "She was gone a couple of weeks and they apparently used her repeatedly during that time."
"Used?" Sirius asked, silently praying he had misunderstood.
Remus, tears falling freely from his face, spoke. "She was raped and tortured. The scars on her body are not all from the Final War. Most of them are from Voldemort or his followers. Severus saved her, brought her back to us, and assisted healing her." He dropped to his knees in pain when he thought of her broken body.
Sirius watched this for a bit before turning to the younger men. "She never said a word. I always assumed there was more... but she didn't say... anthing." He was dumbfounded and angry. Hurt and confused.
Sirius found his voice, his words cutting deep into them all, "Understand this: Her debt has been paid. It was paid the moment she protected that little boy." His words were harsh and direct. "From this point forward, I want you all to know: There will never be another conversation about her time of captivity. She begged not to hear about it. Remus doesn't want to hear about it... and he probably knows more than anyone else sitting at this table."
He paused for a moment to look at Remus who was losing the control again, before continuing, "I am telling you right here, right now, that I don't want it discussed in front or near her EVER again. She obviously cannot deal with what happened to her. Apparently, she had put it all away and was getting on with her life. Now, she gets to start over and I get pissed off again. NO MORE, Do you all understand?" They nodded.
"If there is so much as a hint of that conversation in front of, around, near, within earshot, written or in any other way around her, you will deal with me and a very pissed off werewolf. Do I make myself clear?" They all nodded again, none ever having seen Sirius like this before.
He left the room, angry with them all for upsetting her again.
Remus watched his lover and friend walk from the room before turning to the younger group of people, recovering, he stood, wiped his face and took a steadying breath, "He's right, Her debt has been paid. But your's has not. You all owe her your lives. YOU are the ones with a current life debt and this is how you abuse that? You should be ashamed of yourselves." Turning to Mason and Harry, who stood with shock etched on their faces, "You knew she couldn't..."
He roared for a moment. A gut wrenching, angry roar that made the group jump and the two cringe. Taking a split second, he continued, "Think about what you have just done and do not EVER be so stupid again." And with that, he too left the room in stunned silence.
Remus found Sirius outside the Riddle House walking in the fallen snow. They both knew that they would need to find Rowan, he followed his long time lover out the front door. "Sirius, we need to go to her." Sirius nodded and they apparated to the Cowan Estate, both intent on being with her.
When the door would not allow them entrance, the House elf finally appeared in the doorway to tell them that his Mistress would not receive them and they should leave. The two men pushed their way past the little elf. They had taken less than three steps inside their home when they found themselves on their respective asses in the snow. The Elf crossed his arms in the doorway and looked at them both, reiterating his directive. They would be contacted when Rowan wanted company, and until then, leave.
It was cold outside and neither were wearing his heaviest cloak, causing them to shiver. Sirius turned on him.
"Now what? She is holed up there alone with House elves and we can't bloody well get to her... How can we help her if she won't let us in?"
"Let's go to Grimmauld and talk..." Remus replied.
"What do we need to talk about? I mean, there's no reason to talk now, is there? She's had damned near four years to tell me and she chose not to. You could have told me but you didn't either. The people who did this to her are DEAD or in Azkaban. There is no revenge to seek. I wasn't there to protect her. I blew it again. Of course, I now understand certain physical changes in the way she feels. It makes sense. Now, my children, who hate her because of how she handled everything now tell me that they know how bad that she was hurt; and made her relive everything. I don't want to be angry with you Moony, it just… DAMNIT! Nothing is making sense right now. Even now, I can't put it all together. Now, please… Leave me alone."
But Remus didn't, he grabbed Sirius' sleeve and made the man turn to him, "If we can't help her, at least we can help each other...You cannot be ready to help her without knowing everything. I thought you would have come to me by now to talk about all of this. The kids even asked me while you and Rowan were gone..."
"Remus," he growled, "let go of me," he did, "I don't know that I want to know anymore. I can't kill anyone but YOU, and I don't think that will accomplish anything."
"Fine, be an arsehole. This is why she hesitated in bringing you out. Merlin, you idiot, I still feel responsible for her. But if you can't handle this, by all means, leave. Because whether you are married to her or not, I love her and I will help her, again. Last time I had Severus to help me. It should be you this time, but you have to pull yourself together. She will either find your strength or you will pull her deeper into the hell of her own mind."
Sirius seemed to understand, but he was so angry at the people who had hurt her that he wanted to kill them with his bare hands. Even knowing he had no one to vent that anger on. "She's waiting for us. She always waits for us. Come home with me Padfoot. Make up for leaving her this way…" He clapped his friend on the shoulder and with a last glance, walked back to the house.
Remus was not allowed entrance that night, or the next, or for the following week. But each day he apparated to the Cowan Estate where they had shared a home together, trying to gain entrance. After then first eight tries he left a note and went to Sirius.
Sirius did not follow him. He continued to walk, finally apparating to Grimmauld Place needing to take time to put it all together. When he walked in the door of the suite at his mother's house, he hung his head and cried for the woman he loved.