Author's Note: Just going to take a moment to thank you all for the start out reviews. If they keep coming like that, then I can promise you great things for this fic. Just thought of a really great idea for later in the story. It will shock the hell out of everyone, but I won't give it away. Anyway, I forgot my disclaimer when I started this fic so here goes: I do not own Instant Star or any of the characters or storylines mentioned in the show. I do, however, own all the lyrics in my fics and any new characters that arise. Smiles to you all. Lots of laughter. Please Please Please keep R&Ring.
Have you ever had one of those moments where your whole body just feels like it is on fire, and nothing you can do can seem to ease the burn? Well, let's just say, at this moment, I was way beyond that point.
"What the hell, Sadie?" I asked angrily stomping around the car to stand directly in front of her. Sadie just looked at me with a defeated expression on her face, and despite my attempt at feeling nothing, I felt her pain ease itself into my soul, extinguishing any anger. The yells I had felt so strongly course through my system before only managed to come out in a whisper.
"Why?" I managed to squeak out around the lump that sat rigidly in the middle of my throat. Sadie just shrugged.
"Because you had plenty of it, Jude, and once I discovered that dad signed all of your checks with S. Harrison, it didn't take me long to realize that I could do it too. I didn't mean for it to go as far as it did, Jude." Sadie said with a quivering voice before grasping me by the shoulder and shaking me lightly. "I just wanted what you have, Jude—a chance. You had a contest that handed you a contract, Jude. I have to finance my way. I just…I just let it go too far." Sadie finished measuringly as I stared at her dumbfounded. It's not as if I could argue with her. In a way, I even agreed. It's just that I was too keyed up to process well…anything right now.
"Why didn't you just ask, Sadie?" I said softly, trying to control the flames that were licking at my intestines. Sadie shrugged.
"I should have." She answered softly as we just looked at each other while both of us came to a startling conclusion without even speaking it out loud. I just nodded as if saying 'I don't care what you did right now, let's just figure out what to do about mom.' Sadie nodded back as if answering 'then let's let it go.' It wasn't as if my royalties wouldn't begin to accumulate again. Money was the least of our concerns right now. I could hear rustling from behind us and I turned to see Spied looking at Tom and Kwest in bafflement.
"Okay. All the nodding—that was some kind of strange girl speak right?" He asked sardonically as Tommy shook his head slowly.
"Don't Spied. It's like being asked to buy feminine hygiene products for your girlfriend. You just don't want to go there." Tom said with a quirk of a brow as Kwest nodded in agreement. I just rolled my eyes at them and pushed my way into the studio. I knew they just wanted to lighten the mood, but they had no idea how far the seriousness of the situation actually went. I could feel a hand grab at my elbow as I walked past, and I stopped suddenly to stare up into Tom Quincy's eyes.
"Jude?" He asked without even framing an entire question. I just kept staring at him without saying a word as Sadie suddenly appeared at his shoulder.
"Mom left, Tom. She packed and left the house to go marry Don in Las Vegas, Nevada. She has a few debts that we have incurred—part of it my fault of course—and she decided to put our house on the market to pay it off. There it is. The long and the short version of it." Sadie said wearily from beside Tom as Spied took my hand in his, throwing Tom a look before leading me into the studio. Right now, Sadie and I just had a lot of processing to do, and we didn't exactly feel the desperate need to go home. Tom and the rest of the gang just grew really quiet. I knew what they were thinking—wow!—because I thought the same thing at first. I suddenly felt the need to write a song, to record, or anything for that matter except for sitting out here thinking about things we couldn't fix right now. So I did the sensible thing—I stomped into studio 1 and grabbed a guitar with Tom Quincy following closely behind me. Spied tried to tag along, but I saw Kwest grab him by the arm before leaning over slightly.
"Let them go make music. This is when they do it best together, Spied—when Jude's upset. He brings out the best from her when she's angry." Kwest said gently and, although Spied seemed far from okay with it, he nodded and walked away. I wanted to go to him—to tell him that he was important to me too, but all I could seem to focus on was my guitar and my producer. Tom closed the sound proof door before leaning against it casually, looking me over with a calculating expression before pushing himself away from the wall.
"So what do you want to do right now, Jude?" Tom asked with a shrug as I looked up at him wearily.
"Honestly?" I asked as he nodded. "I want to throw something." I said quietly as Tom raised a brow and then leaned over to pick up a glass cup before handing it to me.
"Then throw something." He answered simply as I just stared at him in shock. Okay, was I the one going off the deep end or was it him?
"Ummmm…you do realize everything in here is financed by Darius?" I asked slowly as if he were too ignorant to comprehend the obvious question. Tommy grinned before shrugging.
"And?" He inquired before coming to stand behind me to place a hand around the wrist I was using to support the glass. He leaned over enough that his lips almost touched my ear. "It doesn't matter, Jude. Right now what matters is that you need to throw it. I'll pay for the damages later so just toss the damn thing." He said matter-of-factly as he pulled my arm back for me. Shaking myself loose from his grasp, I smiled at him widely. Why the hell not! Putting all of my strength into it, I swung my arm forward and watched in mute fascination as the light hit the shards of glass as they shattered into a million little pieces. The loud splintering noise drowned out everything for a moment, even my own pain, before the room grew deathly silent. Suddenly a hand rested gently on my shoulder.
"Better now?" Tom asked almost in a whisper as I found myself, remarkably, shaking my head at his question. Tom just chuckled before walking across the room and selecting a few more breakable items from Darius's collection. I just gaped.
"You have a death wish. Quincy." I stated on a laugh as Tom shrugged and handed me each item one by one as I hurled them forcefully against the wall. I was on my fourth throw when it hit me that I suddenly didn't have it in me anymore—there just wasn't any more anger—only sadness and confusion. Tommy saw my face fall and, almost as if he were reading me like an open book, he handed me my guitar.
"Now you're ready to write." He said in a positive tone as I stared at him a moment in awe. This was why he was my producer—because he knew my need for release and he knew exactly how to give it to me. Positioning myself solemnly on a stool, I laid my guitar over my legs and started to play—slowly at first watching Tommy shake his head at a chord he didn't like until I had finally tweaked it enough, I saw him nod. And then I started to sing.
Constant confusion in moments of self-assurance
Running in place and getting nowhere
Reaching for something I keep forgetting
And when I ….. I
I stopped, leaning over to pick up a pencil and chew with indecision on the end of an eraser. Tom chuckled.
"We've destroyed enough of Darius's things for one day, Jude. Here, try this." He said as he took the pencil gently from my hand before writing something down on the notebook beside me. I looked at it and then nodded with a smile.
Constant confusion in moments of self-assurance
Running in place and getting nowhere
Reaching for something I keep forgetting
And when I remember, I find it isn't there.
How do I compete in this marathon of defeat
When I can't seem to make it past the starting line
The finish seems so very far away
And the weariness is hard for me to define.
Heading in two directions
Dead ends at every turn
I scream in rejection
As I feel the anger burn
What happened, what went wrong
How did the story end this way
Belting in endless song
The injustice, the bitter sway.
Bending myself over backwards in denial
I wonder at my fortitude
Screaming at the world at large
I give you my bad attitude.
Heading in two directions
Dead ends at every turn
I scream in rejection
As I feel the anger burn
And then the weariness of screaming
Ends the tirading deed
And I find all I have left to offer
Are chords of desperate need.
I wonder in fear as I look for answers
But find only questions to torment me
I finally stop running
When I realize it isn't worth the speed
Heading in two directions
Dead ends at every turn
I scream in rejection
As I feel the anger burn
And there—just like that—the song ended. It wasn't perfect, it never was at first, but looking into Tommy's silent face, I knew we had made a hit together again. We had written a song when I was too restless to do anything else. And, once again, Tom had been my lifeline through the storm—a lighthouse leading me back towards the shore. Jumping down from my stool, I walked over to him lazily only stopping once I was standing about a hand length away from him.
"You know what, Quincy?" I asked in a whisper. He just stood there gazing down at me with an unreadable expression on his face before shrugging as if asking 'what?' I tapped him lightly on the chest with my finger.
"You're better than a therapist." I said with a grin as he grinned back before a 'clicking' noise broke through our reverie. Turning around to look at the opening door, I saw Darius walk into the room stealthily before pausing at the sight of the broken glass littering the floor. He crossed his arms across his chest warily.
"I hope there is some kind of explanation for this." He said in a low tone, and I couldn't help it. I just laughed. Movement behind me made me glance over at Tommy as he leaned over close.
"Now that's what I like to hear." He said with a grin before taking his wallet out of his pocket and waving it in front of Darius's face. And in that moment, I just stared at him in silence, battling my own confusion at the feelings that swept over me when I was near him.