Chapter 65:
One Last Night in Peace (I)
December 2nd, some minutes after 8 PM.
(Yokohama Base, B3F. Hallway, Office section.)
[Takeru]
Making an effort to bite and chew on the rough dough of synth food, I keep walking towards my objective. It is at times like this that I'd like the food packs to come with something liquid. Look, I like peanut butter as much as anyone else, but my mouth is not made to deal with cement. At least the one back home was a bit more soft, this one is straight up trying to fuse my tongue into my palate.
Gulping part of the mixture, popping a small piece of… something that resembles a cookie to help me deal with the peanut cement, I keep slowly walking on the hallways. A few odd gazes follow me, some whispering behind my back, sometimes about the fight in the sims of a few days back, others about shit and rumors. So, I pick up my pace into a stroll.
Reaching a locked door, saluting the MP standing guard and notifying my business, he takes a moment to speak on this comms. After a while, he nods back at me as he swipes his ID card on the reader. Saluting each other once again, I walk past the sliding door as I clamp my cheeks together, scraping what remained attached to the back of my teeth to clean my mouth in its entirety.
"Sigh… Guess I'll have to leave the rest of the 'dinner' for after I finish this duty." Seriously Sensei, what is it with the random assignments? So much for chill and rest in my office.
Arriving at a familiar room, the sign by the door frame stood clean and shiny in all its pristine glory, reflecting the illumination that comes from above, pridefully showing off the emblem with the valkyrie holding two swords. Inhaling slowly for a moment, feeling the synthetic smell of… Sniff… Yeah, that's the same old pine perfume she always used. Rolling up my shoulders, letting the air go, I finally straighten myself up and knock on the door.
"Come on in," She orders from inside, so I quickly do as told.
Closing the door behind me then standing in attention, I give a salute as customary, "Good evening, ma'am."
"At ease, cadet. Welcome, please do take a seat. First, I believe we have not been properly introduced yet?" Resting the papers she was working atop the desk while she places a pen above one ear, she nods my way as she entwines her fingers, "I am Cpt Michiru Isumi, of the squadron called Valkyrie. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Likewise, ma'am." Giving her a bow, remaining in position for a second, I rise back up to meet her eyes, "I am Cadet Takeru Shirogane, from the training squadron 207B. Though, I suppose you already knew that, since you came to see our first sim run."
She nods again, giving a small smile, "Yes, indeed. I must thank you for that day, however." She then chuckles, the smile turning into a smirk.
"Huh? Why?"
"As it were, you bested Hayase's record on your first simulation run, did you not?"
"Ah, yes. I think they told me something like that. But, why are you thanking me?"
Slowly grabbing the papers to straighten them, before procuring a transparent foil to place them in, the smirk does not wane, "You see, we have kind of a tradition in my squadron. We bet about when our records will be bested, and thanks to your performance I have been enjoying a few relative days of peace."
"May I ask why? What did 1st Lt Hayase bet, to not drink any alcohol for a month?"
Her hands twitch, the papers left halfway in their descent into the foil as she blinks for a moment. "Yes, that's precisely what she did. How did you know?"
"Eh, I'm kinda good at guessing random stuff." Also, I can totally see Hayase doing that. I wonder if the same happened last loop. Maybe that's why she was so wasted that night, since she couldn't drink anything for so long. Would also give a new light on why she wanted to fight me so much when I joined the STF, as her 'revenge' for me taking her drinks away. "In any case, the XO told me you required my aid for something. What may I help you with, Captain?"
Finishing to place the papers away, standing up to leave them on a shelf, she sits down slowly while folding her arms, a sober and serious expression in her face, "Well, I am sure you must have quite many questions about why you were brought to this side of the base. I am thankful for you aid, even if you're here under the effect of your… punishment," She then gives me a small nod, which I return with a wry smile and a shrug. "So, do you remember how I told you my squadron has a tradition, to make bets on when our best records will be bested?"
"Yes, what of it?"
Cpt Isumi then leans back on her chair, sighing super hard. As if she were cutting a container full of onions, she squint her eyes as she groans. Wow, didn't think I'd ever see her this distressed outside of battle. What the hell caused her to… Oh, fuck. It was me, wasn't it?
"As it were, all of our records in a certain training course were absolutely crushed today," She says, some embers lurking in her words. Resting her elbows on the desk, edging closer to it, she looks straight into my eyes, unblinking, "I believe you were the… ahem, creator of the two smaller simulators?"
"…Yes, I was. However, due to certain circumstances, I am no longer legally allowed to speak of them in that fashion."
"I see. However, I suppose you could aid me in reviewing our approach? Frankly, I'd have liked to have this conversation with you at an earlier date, but the XO did not seem to find you with free time sooner."
"Well, things have been rather hectic lately, yeah. But don't worry, I can lend you another set of eyes, if that's what you require. I am not allowed to claim ownership over the sims, but the XO did allow me to aid in their development until they're finished. So," Coughing, inhaling slowly to dispel the small shiver of jolts on my back at what I know I'm about to ask, "did you want to review your opinions on the sims, or would you like me to speak of the programs made for it?"
I know she takes much pride in her methods, and I did kind of get real angry at her during our talk at one point. Not only I cruised through Hard Mode, but our fights weren't even proper fights. I just did my usual, but no one of the five I faced could come close to besting me. It was such a one-sided battle that Kasumi started chopping me halfway through it as I sang the Kaizer's song, saying my aura was all spiky and scary. But that's the problem, the real one. I was playing around, and they were being serious. Of course, I have more experience with Valgern-On, but still.
She readies a few papers, grabbing the pen she had in her ear, twirling it for a second as she again locks her eyes onto mine, "First, you were the designer of this Valgern-On software?"
"Yeah, you could say that." Sorry, MofuMofu, Andoku. I swear I'm not stealing the rights, this is for the greater good. "I only made a light alpha version of what you see in the WMTS. Most of the heavy lifting was done after my transfer to this base under the XO's commands."
"Sigh… Alright, then, do you know of a unit called 'Skull Kaizer'?"
So it was me what caused her to be this moody. I mean, for the Cpt to call Sensei to request help something big had to happen. "Yes, it's the secret unit of the ga… program."
"Secret? May I ask why is it a secret?"
"Eh… I just thought it would be nice idea, to leave a surprise for after you beat Hard Mode."
"I see," Quickly noting something down, her eyes again lock themselves onto me again, "And, why is its campaign mode so different to the standard? I find it odd that the majority of the enemies have the color scheme of the UN."
"Well, that's…"
No way in hell I can tell her of the prior games, or why the story is so different. Even if Sensei removed all the voice acting, the fact that some, or most, of the enemy units in the Skull Kaizer's route are painted in that same blue was bound to come off badly. In that story mode, the Earth Feds were going bonkers in trying to gain the most powerful tech available after the bad end of the first game. That's why, when the MC of the first game awakens the Skull Kaizer in the Cathedral of Shadows, everybody gets against him to try and gain the most powerful machine available. It is kind of sad, how the Furia System ends up consuming him by the end even if he wins that war against both the Earth Federation and the BETA invaders. The Skull Kaizer's skill, Pain's Gainer, is kind of foreshadowing for that, actually, as well as the name of its standard music theme in the game, Anti-Hero.
But, again, I can't explain Valgern-On's lore to the Cpt without either establishing links to 'a prior game' or risk making lies that would fall apart sooner rather than later. So, I'm gonna take the easy way out.
"I was not told of it, ma'am. As it were, I only had a rough sketch of the Skull Kaizer and an outline of its scenario written down. The one who revamped that campaign in its entirety was the XO, so you should direct this question to her." Sorry, Sensei. I'll make sure to tell you soon, didn't think anyone would actually press inquiries about the Skull Kaizer of all things.
She sighs, nodding slowly, her curiosity forcefully satiated and sealed, "I see. However, was she also who devised the odd choice of weapons for that unit?"
"Well, no. I, uh, suggested to use non-conventional weapons to avoid any issues with other armies trying to claim we used their designs in the software. That's why some things look so eccentric, like the Raioh's Thunder Rifle, for example." Necessary bullshit is necessary.
"Hm, makes sense," She says, scribbling and scribbling, "Are there any other secrets in the software?"
"Yes, once you beat Hard Mode, you unlock both the Skull Kaizer and another higher difficulty setting, Maniax Mode."
"Another one?" Corking a brow, her pen froze in midair, "How does it compare to the previous mode?"
"There is no comparison, Maniax Mode is made to be the ultimate challenge," I say, nodding solemnly.
As if a cloud had covered the sun, her expression darkened as she looked down, taking a deep breath. Leaving the pen on the desk, it rolls a bit until it stops while she rests a hand on her forehead, rubbing it slowly.
"Is something the matter, ma'am?"
"Eh? Ah, no, it's nothing," She immediately straightens up, poker face back in place.
"Is… the software not to your liking, maybe?"
"No, that's not it at all, cadet. It's just…" Blinking fast for a second, she then remains staring. Just looking at me, saying nothing. "By the by, have you ever taken on this training course, cadet? Since you're the original creator. And don't worry, not a word leaves this office." She ends with a smile.
And I know she says the truth, being the leader of the STF she wouldn't go around spreading rumors. Sighing, I give a nod, "Yes, during the early stages. I was alone back then, testing this software. Since I'm not yet commissioned, the XO has kept this as a secret. Uh, she did tell me I could talk openly with you, but please do keep this as a secret, ma'am." I then give her a small bow, which makes her chuckle, quickly gesturing me to rise again.
"I know, I wasn't planning on doing that. It would be a shame for such a… talented novice to suffer further setbacks." Why is she smiling so much? Again twirling her pen, she taps its tip on the edge of the papers, "So then, I suppose you have some sort of guideline to follow for each mission?"
Nodding with a smile, I then start telling her some tips for each mission of the campaign mode. Referring to Sensei when the missions become about the BETA, saying that I only crafted an outline for the challenge the map is supposed to give. And for the most part, she found my words worth something, giving me her own opinion on the specifics of the mission. However…
"I do not believe such line-piercing maneuvers to be the best solution," She states, expression tightening. "They bring more risks than anything else, and the chance of them failing is too high."
"I don't… particularly agree. Having more options on the table is never a bad thing, plus I kind of tested one of those maneuvers during one of my trainings. While I ended up losing that bout, I believe the tactic to have some merit."
"And what happens when you fail in the field?" Narrowing her eyes, a small blaze in her voice as her lips starts to shrink.
"I know of its risks, but with proper time to train and perfect the move-"
Glaring my way, she taps the pencil against the desk, "Allow me to be open with you, cadet. Do you know how many 'hotshots' I've seen die because they think they've discovered some new maneuver that suddenly is the solution to our woes? Many. Too many," She then grimaces, sighing as she she shakes her head, throwing the pencil into a small cylinder. "Such aggressive patters have been dismissed for a reason, cadet. If they were so effective, they would have been adopted after these many decades of war."
"I dunno, maybe the technology wasn't quite there yet to facilitate such a strategy."
Holding my gaze in silence, her face slowly tightens, lines marking on her nose and forehead, as a hand grasps her chin, "Then, let's say these tactics are adopted. What exactly do they bestow the military that other tested methods do not? Those who execute the move are now surrounded behind enemy lines, perhaps low on both fuel and ammunition. And even if the enemy lines are scattered…" She suddenly stops, coughing for a moment, "The battle against the BETA is nothing like what trainings you've had until now. You'd do well in dropping this kind of moves, they'll only worsen your performance," She affirms, solid and resolute. Dismissing my words, not even giving them a second in her ears.
As dry as the pages of the books she so tightly holds onto, as narrow as her view when reading them over and over again. How idiotic, to limit herself only to what others accomplished in the past. I don't even know what I expected of… No, don't take it personally. She must be simply worried about the possible repercussions of the move failing, that's all. I can't get upset at this, but maybe I can try to change her view a bit.
Getting a bit closer to the desk, I look at her as I fold my arms, "Of course, I don't know how the BETA fight just yet but, is it really that hard to ask you to try those moves in good faith at least once, ma'am?" Yet, despite my small nod, she grimaces, real hard, as one of her hands shakes. "Captain?"
"…Those kind of moves only increase the inherent risk that comes with a mission. Vastly, compared to other approaches."
"However, if they're properly executed-"
"How many missions do you think have failed because of one selfish maneuver?"
"Eh?"
"How many missions, how many lives were lost due to an 'ace pilot' deciding they knew more than their superiors and instructors?"
"I… don't know, I suppose many. Yet, I'm not saying these methods are better than yours, ma'am." Giving a small bow, biting my lips as I wait to rise back, I then face her cold gaze head on. "However, not testing alternate moves does seem a bit extreme to me. How are we supposed to improve our tactics if we only repeat the same approach over and over again?"
Twirling the pen as she squints her eyes again, she shakes her head, "The planning of a mission requires a surefire way to ascertain victory with the least amount of casualties. My experiences have taught me that relying on these 'miracle maker' maneuvers only serves to make everything worse. It's a gamble, trusting in an ace pilot, placing all your chips onto their shoulders, into their maneuver being successful. And if they fail, which they do most of the time, the rest of the mission pays for it." Looking down, not even frowning or anything, her shoulders, her arms, her everything sinks as if she were made out of gold, as if she were in open sea. "Following a polished plan yields better gains, without any of the risks that come with these reckless methods. Perhaps they would benefit other kind of army, but I do not believe our approaches require any modifications."
As rigid as an obelisk, unchanging as stagnant water. Outdated, obsolete… What good are these 'trusted methods' if all they do is lead us to a stalemate? You're just shielding your inability to make better judgments in the spur of… No, don't snap. I do think she's taking this too personally, though. Maybe, because my moves aren't that easy to replicate. Because failing to do them against the BETA loses you a squadmate and a TSF while forcing you to retreat and redo your plan. Trusting in these methods, to push forward and be more aggressive, comes with the risk of the front liners failing and being forced to retreat when you're ready to attack. That's why she chose to employ a stationary defense tactic during Sadogashima near those cliffs, despite allowing me to rush into the BETA lines to clear them a path towards the lasers. You did trust in me to hold out on my own, so why are you being so hardheaded now, Captain? Wait… don't tell me…
"Uh, ma'am? Does this rejection towards these maneuvers stem from how you said your records had been bested today?" She flinched, so that's what this is about.
"No, it's nothing like that," She denies it, far too quickly. "I'm merely stating my opinion, as I believe it might be helpful to your growth."
"I see. So, if I may, how were your records bested? I assume a Skull Kaizer was used in Valgern-On by your opponent?"
Slowly, she squints her eyes. Leaning back on her seat, again spinning the pen, she nods, "Frankly, it was a surprise. I don't know how you and the XO crafted this software, but it is… hard to stop training with it. It feels rewarding, learning to control the machines better. It's," Playing with her hair, she looks away as she purses her lips, "entertaining, almost."
Is she embarrassed? How slowly she scratches her head, the slight twist of her lips, even the puffing of her cheeks… Looks cute.
"Well, that is why I warned the XO that you could get sucked into the experience. But, it sounds as if you had been making good use of the sims."
She nods, sighing, "I thought we were. We had other duties on our shoulders, but we did use the small sims regularly. We are impressed by your inventions, truth be told," Smiling, she nods again. Then, her brows narrow as she spins her pen, "But then, today we were bested soundly. All of our records that we polished, all paling in comparison."
"Hmm, I see. Oh, considering your traditions, I can see why a random showing up would make you this upset." I already knew it could be taken badly, but if they have this thing going on it's obvious they'd be super pissed.
"Siiigh…" Hm? Again hunching over as if deflated, Cpt Isumi simply shook her head as she smiled wryly, "Well, that's how it is sometimes."
"Did… something happen during this training, ma'am?"
"Well, I had made a… bet, let's call it, with the pilot who bested our records. And," Frowning a bit, lips plucking, she starts tapping the tip of her pen onto the desk, "I was soundly defeated. Not only in the actual training, but also in this bet. I had thought to possess the advantage, yet to be defeated by such approaches…"
"Huh, so you do have problem with the Skull Kaizer's way of moving."
One of her brows twitches, "Perhaps I do, yes. Yet, I thought I was…" Shaking her head, she sighs again, "Never mind."
"Is it something classified, ma'am?"
"Yes. I… am merely intimidated by that pilot, is all. You can say my ill reception of these unorthodox movements is in part caused by my… utter defeat at their hands. At least it bought me another week of peace," She then smiles, starting to note something in her paper.
"What do you mean, another week?"
"Oh, remember how you breaking her record deprived Hayase of a month of alcohol?" She smiles, I nod as I furrow my brows, "Well, she made a similar declaration during this training. That if our rival bested Hard Mode in its entirety she would swallow a sock."
"R-Really?"
"Haha, yes, she did. However, of course we couldn't have her actually eat a sock, much less to follow Munakata's suggestion," She says as a small blush appears on her face for a second. What the hell did Munakata- No, I don't wanna know. "So, I had Hayase lose another week of alcohol instead."
…I think Hayase is gonna kill me.
"In any case, I was completely defeated today." Inhaling sharply, resting her pen on the desk, gripping it hard, she looked my way again, "And while your words are valid, I would like to first make sure this defeat happened because of my own overconfidence and not because of my tactics lower performance compared to that pilot's methods. So, with that in mind," Coughing, she looks straight at me, "do you have any suggestions for the trainings?"
"First, could you tell me how are you tackling the training? Have you been using only the campaign, or did you tackle the other modes?"
"Other modes? There are other challenges in that software?" Leaning a bit forward, one brow of hers sink as her eyes light up.
"Yeah, there's the time attack missions. Basically, you can tackle any of the scenarios you unlocked and see how fast you can clear them. It's in the option called 'Extras', haven't you checked that out?"
"No, we only delved into the options to silence the added music, since it was distracting."
"Huh?"
"Hm? What is it?"
"Ma'am, forgive me if I heard wrong but, did you just say you disabled the 'added music'? Are you playing with the game muted?"
"Oh no, the explosions and other sounds are still active. I ordered to disable the odd tunes that play in every mission, since it isn't exactly easy to concentrate on the fighting with those songs playing in the background." She says, smiling for a moment.
"…Captain, you have sinned."
"Huh?"
"How… How dare you to not listen the awesome music of the stages?! Of course you're not winning, how can you get pumped up to fight without listening to them beats?!"
"Wait a moment, I don't understand why are you getting so upset."
Narrowing my lips, resting an elbow on the armrest, I aim a finger at her face, "Look Cpt Isumi, the music is there for a reason. It sets a mood, it builds atmosphere." It's also dynamic so the track changes depending on whether you're winning or losing. "There is nothing more fulfilling than executing a combo right at the peak of the song."
"Combo? What's that supposed to be?" Corking an eyebrow, she asks while leaning even closer. Looking into her firm eyes, I can tell she isn't lying.
"Wait, what? You don't know? Didn't you go through Beginner Mode when using Valgern-On?"
Chuckling, she spins her pen as she shakes her head, "Why, of course not. We're all commissioned pilots already, so we decided to start in Hard Mode. I do not think it'd be worthwhile for my squadron, to linger in lackluster training courses, so I decided to have us tackle the best course available so that we learned through the hardships."
…
"Is something the matter, cadet?"
Unable to hold her gaze anymore, I just facepalm. "No wonder you're having trouble if you're not using the combos. Sigh…" Maybe I should have written a manual or something to ease them up on the game, since we can't use the official one due to the questions about where the hell it came from it would cause. Yeah, that's my B.
"Ahem… So, could you explain what these combos are?" She asks, arms folded as she brings her seat even closer to the desk, her eyes again fully focused on me.
"Yes, but it will take a while. Also, I'll try to explain other common moves you can do with the software that should help you and your squadron." I nod her way, she immediately tenses up as she readies her pen again.
One explanation later…
"You just have to lightly tap the down button, or push the analog in that direction. Then, you'll be able to do a 'tech', which lets you return faster to the ground," I slowly repeat.
She sighs, brows locked in their narrowing, "How is this any different than the cancels you spoke of before?"
"Cancels null the movement, they free up the machine from the pattern used right before. The teching instead focuses the commands to more quickly return to the ground. It also lets you regain your footing faster if you were to be tumbled, since the commands you input remain in the buffer."
"I… see," Closing her eyes as she inhales, she ruffles her hair for a moment, "So, does this mean that we can execute combos from a cancel and a tech?"
"Kind of. You can deploy a combo from a cancel, yes. But a tech only hastens your recovery, either from a jump or a tumble. You add it to the commands being executed. Since those directives will still happen, you can't perform another combo unless you do a cancel. And if the tech is instead used when the usual cease of inputs would occur, the commands cannot be chained to since you're going to be dodging. What you can do instead is turn the tech into a combo."
"Huh? But, how would you go around doing that? If the machine is already dodging, or descending, there is a risk inherent to activating such an action at the wrong time. Not to mention, the terrain might be adverse to those types of moves."
"Simple. You just use the tech to move where you want to go, and also buffer an attack in the midst. By using the R2 and L2 buttons, you can adapt the maneuvers to your own style and then have the machine move where you want it to. The second analog also lets you control the jump units, if they are not active, so you can safely combo off an evasive maneuver without placing yourself at risk. What's more, you can make the combo into a fully defensive one, focused only on dodging."
"I see…" Her face tightens, and even if she quickly covers her paper with her arm I clearly saw what she just scribbled down. Well, no wonder she'll find it similar to the XM3. I just hope she doesn't link me to the Viking. "Now then, what kind of basic evasive maneuvers could be achieved in the software through this 'teching' you mentioned?" Again looking into my eyes, as if everything else had blurred, she waits.
Coughing, I fold my arms and think for a second, "If the proper mech is used, you can do some interesting stuff. For example, if you're locked onto melee weaponry, you can tech to perform a tuck and roll to then follow it up with a slash. Or at least, that's how it should go." I add, scratching my head and looking up, "The XO was the one who finished the software, to handle that the movements were similar to a real TSF. Now that I'm training I can see what she meant back then, but the rest is up to what she did personally." Sigh… Luckily, just dropping Sensei's name is enough to quell her questions.
Still, it explains why they didn't last that long against me. If they only use the basic attack combos and skills, no wonder they haven't cleared level ten yet.
"I suppose, most of these features are explained in Beginner Mode?"
"Yes. In Normal Mode, you have a prompt asking you if you'd like to review the tutorial. I thought anyone using the software would start there, I didn't think you'd jump straight into Hard Mode without any other practice."
She sighs, nodding and resting her pen, "Is that so. I suppose this is my miss. However, is the background music truly necessary?"
"I think it is, at least. But if it distracts you, you should simply proceed as you're most comfortable." This world is different, and they see this as training instead of a game. Imagine if they knew I was headbanging all the time while I was fighting with them.
"We shall keep training without it, then," She nods, placing the papers away. Your loss, ma'am.
A small knocking on the door, Cpt Isumi allows the visitor entry. The door gently parts open, Haruka-san steps into the room. Her eyes widen for a moment when she sees me as I salute her, but she quickly returns the gesture.
"Good evening, Captain, ma'am. I've brought you the report from the maintenance crew," She then takes a few steps forward, offering the folder she had on her person.
"Thanks, Suzumiya. Were there any issues in the hangar?"
"Eh? Ah, no, nothing major, ma'am." Replying too quickly, twirling her hair, it looks like she's nervous.
"Really? Don't mind the cadet, you can speak freely," She orders, poker face in place as she interlocks her fingers.
Haruka-san then gives me a brief glance, I smile and give her a court bow. She sighs, her shoulders sinking a bit, "You see, they were very insistent on how we should treat our craft more carefully. Especially Chief Kazama, she was truly upset at the damage the head visor received."
…Wait, Chief Kazama? Wasn't she one of the Valkyries last time? Yeah, she was with us in Niigata, after all she did try to save Eiko-san with me. Also, damage to a head visor… that's what I did to Hayase's Type-00C during this morning's mock battle, right? So I did end up damaging it… Shit.
"Well, pay it no mind," Cpt Isumi says with a nod, "after all she would have said the same to anyone else."
"I know, but still… It is a bit upsetting." She closes her eyes, kind of tightly, as she folds her arms, tugging at her dress. Huh, how strange. I never thought I'd see Haruka-san being upset.
"What is it, cadet?" Cpt Isumi calls out, leaning onto a hand as she smiles, "Why the long face?"
"Huh?"
"You looked a bit," She smirks, "distressed, as you heard the reports."
"Eh? Ah, well, you see," Scratching my head, I look away, "my Instructor tends to tell me I damage my machines much during sim practice. I was a bit worried, hearing how the mechanics seem to have a short temper, is all."
"Oh, don't worry, cadet Shirogane," Haruka-san smiles brightly as she nods my way, "Most of the mechanics in the base are actually pretty warm people. Our current crew is merely a bit, uh, peculiar," She says, almost stuttering. I bet she was about to spill how they were actually from the Guard, but recalled she can't speak of the matter.
"I see."
"Well, was there anything else you needed, Suzumiya?" Cpt Isumi asks.
"No, that was all. Should we wait for you at the PX?"
"No, you can start whenever you want. I'll be reviewing some papers for a while longer."
"Understood. Good night then, ma'am," She stands upright, giving a salute. Once she loosens up, she smiles my way, "And good night to you as well, cadet."
"Ah, yes. Good night, ma'am," Giving a quick salute, I nod her way. She giggles before giving her parting words and taking her leave.
"Sigh… Really, it's going to take a long time to review all this," Cpt Isumi slumps into her seat as soon as Haruka-san closed the door.
"Um, do you really have to tackle everything tonight, ma'am?"
Nodding as she straightens up, she then coughs, "Sadly, it's my duty to have the state of our machines reviewed for tomorrow. And not to mention, you gave me quite the amount of homework to tackle," She then chuckles a bit.
"I see," Yeah, when I was the squad's leader I also had to file all these papers. At least back then it was easier, since thanks to using my style our Gekishins ended up requiring lots of maintenance. Coughing, rolling my shoulders up, I look at her, "Did you need anything else from me, ma'am?"
"No, I didn't particularly- Hmm…" Blinking fast for sec, she then eyed me frontally, spinning her pen again, "Cadet, could you perhaps aid me in sorting your words on the software?"
"I suppose I could. What did you had in mind?"
"A simple explanation on the best way to make the most out of the software's properties. Also, which missions should we tackle if we want to see these tutorials you spoke of."
"Roger. That's simple enough."
Smiling my way, she hands me a few pages and a pen. And so, after I bring my seat closer to the desk, we start to write away in silence. Now then… the levels with the tutos for the combos and cancels, as well as the aerial moves, were in…
…
"…I didn't think you'd be so focused," She comments.
"Hm? Why?"
"Well, most cadets are not that used to filing reports. Also," She looks down, peeking at my papers, "your form is actually well polished. That is a surprise."
"Really? I mean, I think it shouldn't be like that. Especially in the Empire, where everybody likes to ask for written reports."
"Ahaha, that is true. However, there is a certain… finesse that comes with experience. It's simply surprising to see a cadet already spacing his words properly, or even doing an apt introductory paragraph."
Well, at this point it's kinda second nature to me. After college, and after getting drilled the proper way of writing by Meiya and Chizuru during my first loops, I just do this all the time now.
"I see," Not that I can explain that one. "You could say it's thanks to my squadmates, since they lent me their notes I've taken a page out of their styles to better my own."
"Is that so. That is indeed a wise thing to do," She nods, smiling as she goes back to writing. "By the way, might I ask how it feels?"
"Hm? What thing?"
"Being the only male in your squadron."
"Huh?"
She looks up, smiling, "Oh, I was wondering if… there was something going on between you and one of your squadmates."
"Wh- I, well, no… No, there's nothing between us." Unlike in the other worlds… when we actually grew closer… Sigh. Back to the page, I reread where I left off before keeping at it.
"Is that so? I assumed they'd at least have made a move on you by now."
"It ain't as if I were a particularly enticing target, what with my punishment and all."
"Hmm. Still, I've heard your training is going well. And that you… did what you did during the CCSE to shield your comrades. That has to matter for them, right?"
"I guess. But, really, there's nothing romantic going on, ma'am. Sorry to disappoint you," I smirk her way, shrugging.
She chuckles as she turns her page around, "That's disappointing. Do they not fit your type, maybe?"
Sigh… You and your talks of romance, ma'am. What did I just get myself into? I'm too hungry for this. "No, that's not it. I do think they're good looking, but my mind is… kind of elsewhere."
And, even if there were a possibility of us being together… Would it even be possible? Nah, no way in hell. Compared to the others from the my loops, to the ones from my world, they're so rough here. Sure, Tama and Mikoto are still as sweet as always, but they don't return my gaze fully. They also kept their fair distance from me before the CCSE. Is that much to ask, for them to simply be openly friendly with me after all that's happened? Kei and Chizuru seem willing to start over, even if their eyes aren't as shiny as the ones I've loved. And Meiya has been a rollercoaster thus far, sometimes she gets all cold and rejecting, other times she acts as serious as the one from my loops was, and very few times she acts as sweet and oblivious as my world's Meiya was. Honestly, I'd like her to settle in one mood if at all possible. My heart can't take so much flip flopping. And this is coming from the dense and indecisive guy, of all people.
Looking up for a second as I thought on how to word a phrase, I noticed Cpt Isumi had remained staring at me, tapping her bottom lip with the back of her pencil.
"Is something wrong, ma'am?"
"…You said you had your head elsewhere, correct?"
"Yes?" Why is she so serious all of a sudden?
"Does that mean you have, well, someone in your heart already?"
Inhaling slowly from my nose, feeling the air come down my throat, filling my lungs, I nod as I exhale, "You could say that, yes."
Back to writing, now my hand stalls the movement. Recalling the finger doing circles as she scolded me, the bitter pout when she got jealous of others, the tears she shed when we had to find a house for the kitties we nursed, the proud voice as she presented me with some new recipe she found online, or her honest joy whenever we spent time alone at night, simply sharing the silence.
…I miss you, all of you. Even you, who always shrugged me off with a smile after your teases whenever I offered you your coffee.
"Ahem… Cadet, if you don't mind me asking, what kind of relation do you have with this special someone?"
"Which one?"
"…Excuse me?"
"Hm?" Looking back at her, she was gaping. Cpt Isumi was, literally, tilted. Still as a pillar or a statue, if not for her widening eyes and quivering lips. What's her deal? "What is it, ma'am?"
"That is my question, cadet. What do you mean by which one?"
Huh? I'm just talking of how I used to love all of them, all in equal fashion, even if each relation was different. All of them are dear to me, of course. What's so weird about it? Why is she so- Oh, fuuuuuuuuuuu-
"What an… odd reaction," She says, flinching back. "Um, cadet Shirogane, I do not want to assume anything but, were you, uh, in a polyamorous relationship?"
"W-W-W-WHAT!? No!" I wouldn't be able to live with myself in an open relationship. I'm too jealous for that kind of thing. That, and I think I have only eyes for one. Even if… the swirling feelings for all of them are a bit hard to handle, when I think about my beloved ones for too long.
She then eyes me sideways, "Then, what is this about 'which one'?"
"Well… Sigh. I just had many people I… loved, at different points in time. So, each of them was different, even if I loved them nonetheless."
"I see. Did you not manage to confess your feelings?"
"…Ma'am, what about the reports?"
"We can easily write them as we platicate," She says, going back to her paper despite being stealing glances at me. "So?"
"Sigh… I'm alone now for a reason, ma'am." Let's hope she shoves her questions with that answer, I'm already sad enough from just remembering a bit. Not to mention, I don't want to end up comparing my relations to his. I'm finally calm again after the recovery, I don't wanna ruin it.
"I see… So, if you know what attraction feels like, do you have your eyes on someone at the moment? Don't worry, I won't say anything."
"Why are you even asking? Sorry, I don't want more rumors going behind my back."
"Oh, no. I give you my word, I won't disclose anything," She nods, firmly, stopping her pencil to look into my eyes. I nod back, returning to my paper. "It's just… if your squadmates have not fit your palate, perhaps there is another someone you fancy? Is there someone tutoring you or aiding you in your trainings?"
"…No, not particularly. The people here… are not what I'd like as a partner, to be honest."
"Hm? Why do you say so?"
"After being in… love with them, I can say what I want now with certainty. And while I appreciate my squadmates, they're… they're not like them." My pencil stops, I sigh as I look back and lean back onto the chair. "There's these little things, these small details that… just aren't there. Not to mention, with all the rumors hanging over me, I don't think anyone would actually want anything with me, to be honest."
Shrugging, I go back to the report. Cpt Isumi does too, scribbling away faster than me. And for a moment, there was only silence, and the sound of a clock tickling the seconds away, and the pine fragrance of her perfume.
"…Aren't you letting your nostalgia blind you, cadet?" She blurts out outta nowhere.
"Huh? Blinded by nostalgia?" Looking back at her, Cpt Isumi's brows were almost coming together.
Resting her pen again to fold her arms while she sighed, she then again looks straight into my eyes, "Do you know how unfair that is? To be compared with someone else?"
"I'm not actually comparing anyone. You asked a question, I gave you my answer, is all."
"Then, let's assume one of your squadmates were to confess her feelings for you, what would you do?"
…
That's a good question.
I mean… If, and that's a big if, such a thing did happen, "I think I'll just answer honestly, let my heart find the answer. While I am, well, happy to be part of the squad again without anything in the way, it… It's hard for me to picture them as my lovers as they are now." They're too different. I know, they might open up in time, yes. But still, their mood and their actions are too different. I still want to protect them, to help them reach their peak, to lead them to a better life. But… I'd like them to open up a bit more, I'm sure that sweet side is in there, somewhere, hidden under all the rough skin they wear in this world.
"And don't you think that is extremely unfair for them?" She says, eyes narrow and blazing away.
"Why? I'm just being honest with myself."
"Do you know how diminishing, how demoralizing it would be to be constantly compared to your prior lovers? How do you think you would feel if your lover was constantly comparing you to her ex?"
"Eh? Ah… Like shit, to be honest."
"Exactly. I, well, don't have first hand experience, like yourself, but I have seen many fallouts, both before and after joining the military. And what little advice I can give you is this. Stop romanticizing the ideal image you have of your previous crushes. Don't expect other women to act as the ones you loved did, it's unfair to judge them against such an idealized vision. Not only for their sake, but for yours. If you're expecting something out of someone, something that isn't natural for that someone, you'll end up disappointed. And your relation will crumble apart, perhaps with your lover not even knowing the root of your displeasure."
…
"…Does it really look like that?"
She then holds my gaze, before nodding with a frown, "Yes, you do look charmed by whoever you were in love with. I, uh, never thought I'd see that glint, that small blush in a man's face, but damn it, you're truly in love with that special someone. Or is it, they?"
"W-Wait, blush?"
She then chuckles, "Did you not notice? Your face has been red since you started speaking of your crushes?"
Gah! Shit, this is so embarrassing! But, well, I guess it's obvious… even if I don't like how she's chuckling at my expense.
"You see, two of my squadmates also have this crush on one of a guy," She starts slow, probably talking about Hayase and Haruka-san, "And when talking of him, both light up as you did. But, their… situation is very different." Closing her eyes, she then sighs, "One of them has this… idealized vision of him, which your words reminded me of. And frankly, it is odd to see a man of your age holding onto such affections."
"Huh? Why?"
"Well, males are in limited supply, if you haven't noticed. I'm not saying you have it easy, but I'm sure there are many that would take an interest in you. Yet, here you are, chained to the idealized vision of your crush."
"…With all due respect, ma'am, they were great people. Even if… I'm alone now, we got to know each other at another level. And that's why, there are things I see in my squadmates that just make me doubt on whether we'd work together."
"And that is fair," She nods, going back to her report, "But don't let your 'list of preferences' blind you, cadet. No person is ever the same, and I'm sure even your past crushes had bad traits that you might be forgetting about. Is it that hard for you to look and judge your squadmates for who they are, instead of for who you would like them to be?"
"…For who they are, huh." Picking up my pen, I also go back to writing. Yet, thinking back on all that happened in this world… If I judged them for how they've been thus far with me…
"You shouldn't push those expectations onto other women, otherwise you'll stay alone all your life. You also wouldn't like to always be made to measure up to some idealized ex, right?"
"Yeah, I wouldn't. I'll… give this some thought."
"Good to hear. So… Ahem, if I may ask, did you ever… get to confess your feelings?"
"No, not even once."
"Is that so…"
"What is it, ma'am? Do you also have love problems?" I smirk, she twitches.
Coughing, she rolls her shoulders as she stands up, grabbing a plastic cup from a nearby shelf. "Well, you could say that."
"A coworker, maybe?"
"Ha! Thankfully, no." Drinking some water, she slowly sits down. "But…" Looking my way, then closing her eyes and edging closer to the desk, she whispers, "Do you have any advice you'd like to share?"
"If I may, why ask me of all people?"
"It's easier talking with an unknown face. My squadmates seem to never endure a long talk of these matters. I'm just looking for a new point of view, considering you're not from here."
"Fair. Then, well, I guess the main point to tackle is the way in which they see you. Uh, I'm right to assume we're talking about a men, right?"
"Wh-" Coughing, a bit of water splashes about, "What makes you ask that?!"
"Just making sure." And covering up how I already know who we're talking about, and how 'the Viking' also knows of this.
Groaning as she cleans herself with a tissue, she nods, "Yes, we're talking about a man. And no, I'm not Bi either. I may have had… small deviations but I've only felt romantic feelings for this person."
"TMI, Captain."
"TMI? What does that stand for?"
"Too Much Information. I did not need to know you had… small deviations in your love life." I sigh, she flinches as she covers her face for a moment. "Anyways, there's a simple solution to your woes."
"Oh? And that is?" She leans forward, eyes shining as her hands close up and get closer to her chin.
"Simply go up to him and confess."
"Huh?"
"It's as simple as that. You arrange a nice atmosphere, maybe invite him to a dinner, or to visit some place you like. Somewhere where you can talk as you walk and stuff. If you can cook something for him, all the better. Then, while the feels are still fresh, BAM!" Punching the air as my eyes blazed, "You confess."
"There's no way I can do that! If I could muster the courage I wouldn't be asking you for advice!" She looks as angry as she was back at the cruiser while we were on our way to battle. Only she's blushing a bit.
"But you're gonna have to say it eventually, either as the starter or as the answer. What are you gonna do if he confesses to you? Leave him waiting in silence? We men have hearts too, even if you don't think so."
Just remembering how much I freaked out when Chizuru apologized as I confessed to her is enough to make me mad. I was literally about to cry. You muster the balls to say the words, to look into her eyes, and then… she says sorry. But at least Chizuru did answer, even if she was just nervous. It's better to be clear and frontal with this stuff. But staying silent, dragging out the answer as the other is literally dying of anxiety in wait? That, that right there is a crime against humanity.
"If… If he confesses, I would say yes," She says, coiling a strand of hair. "However, I do not know if, well, I have it in me." Sighing, she hunches over, "I've tried inviting him over to some restaurant in the Capital, I've taken the time to call and congratulate him for his promotions, and I always send him letters for his birthday, as he does for me. But… it's… as if he takes it for granted, maybe. Since we're childhood friends, maybe I'll never be anything else for him."
"…And what if he's scared?"
"Huh?"
"What if, I dunno, something tells him he's not good enough for you? What if everyone tells him that?"
"What?"
"He might be super insecure, for all you know. How many other women actually talk with him? How much does he appreciate you being there? How… afraid is he to ruin it all by trying to be something more than a friend?"
"I… well… I don't… I've tried to show him I'm serious. He hasn't-"
"What are the chances that he's like 'Oh, she's just being nice. I'm just an old friend, that's why she's so nice to me. She's pitying me.'?"
"Ah, well…" She looks down, her shoulder compress themselves upon her figure.
"When was the last time you actually tried to have an honest talk about how he's doing?"
"…Honestly, I don't remember. My missions… leave me little free time."
"Well, try and fix that. Write him a letter, try to get a schedule going. I can say it now, if something is gonna happen, just better to deal with it ASAP. If you want him as a lover but he doesn't, better to stop pining for him and accept his answer. Or vice versa. But, when you're insecure, when you're alone, you just might be frozen by fear. And that's why you say nothing."
After all, that's what me and Sumika did in my world. Did I like her? Yeah. Would I have liked to date her? Yeah. Was I afraid outta my mind of what would happen if she said no? Fuck, yeah. Back then, the sole thought of everyone laughing at me for getting rejected, of losing her company, of not having her to fool around and make jokes with was mortifying. It's just gonna happen, I thought. If she likes me, then she'll make the first move. Guess I just wanted some reassurance or some shit. It wasn't even about being the one receiving the confession, I just… wanted to hear her say it, to rid me of all the ambiguity. To hear her say, 'I love you'.
Little did my idiot young self know, Sumika was exactly the same but worse. If I do so much from him, why isn't he asking me out? Is just using me, or is he scared? And then, as if our own insecurities weren't enough, a certain blue haired samurai decided to enter my life.
…Looking back, at that moment on the hill, at both decisions, I can see why I would choose either path. Either to fully accept that I was comfortable in my previous routine, wanting to truly return Sumika's affection, or to come to terms that for all she did, I couldn't bring myself to love Sumika, as opposed with the connection I felt with Meiya. It wasn't even about the promise anymore. I loved… No, I love that Meiya. Her obliviousness, her direct way of being, the way her eyes spark up whenever she sees something new, even her stubbornness about wanting to cook, despite all the kitchens that ended up exploding when we married.
"But it all comes back to a simple decision, to be honest with yourself. To be able to voice it, without assuming anything on the other end. If you're just letting time slip by, you might regret it one day. And if it's not meant to be, better to face the answer now. It's gonna suck, you may cry, and it may take forever to feel that tingly feeling again. But… life's a gamble, if you want love and affection you've got to fight for it. So, first step, you should think on how you want to portray your feelings, Captain."
Hunching over, a hand rustling the opposite arm, she looks down, "However, I'm out of ideas. Masaki is just too dense to notice all I've done so far."
"Then, just be yourself."
"…Huh?"
"Yeah. Is there any hobbies you have? Invite him to spend some time with you, show him what you like, even if he already knows it. If you know he likes something, tag along with him, show him you're willing to share his joy even if you're not particularly interested in the topic. You have to make it clear to him that you enjoy being with him, and then you drop the confession."
"D-Do I truly have to be the one?"
"What, would you rather see him with someone else? Walking with their arms entwined, laughing under the daylight, feeding each other an ice cream cone, and then kissing as they hug." I ask, raising a brow and smirking. And she gets tilted, an entire bombardment flaring behind her eyes. Reminder to self: Do not upset the Captain, ever.
"…No, I would not like to see that, if at all possible."
"Then, you already had your answer, looks like."
"Siiigh… I suppose being more aggressive is all I can do now, huh."
"Come on, ma'am. Don't be so down, he might be into that for all you know."
"Into 'that'?"
"Yeah, he might like competent, assertive women. You know, the typical older and confident kind."
And again, she gets tilted for some reason. Oh right, she was competing against her sisters for the guy's affections, right? Huh… Yeah, Cpt Isumi does have an older sister, now that I think about it. If this Masaki likes them older and confident, the Captain might be screwed.
"Well, but you won't know until you try. So, best of luck in whatever you decide to do, Cpt."
"Sigh, thank you, truly. Still, I don't know what I'll do, or if I can bring myself to be this assertive. By the by, what about you?"
"Hm? Me?"
"Yes. You never managed to confess, yet seem very… knowledgeable on the matter. From where does this confidence comes from, cadet?" She says as she stares, smirking as she resumes her writing after the tilting.
"Well, it's just, like, my opinion after what I've gone through, is all."
"I see. Do you think you'd be able to confess your love to someone, assuming you get past those ideals you have?"
"Sigh… No, I'm not sure if I'll find someone like that. There's… much for me to do before I worry about settling down into a relationship."
"Well, I understand. Your commission, these rumors, the war, there is much for you to focus on at the moment," She nods, misunderstanding my words. "Still, you should not close that window, cadet. Just as you told me, you might regret it later."
"Haha, I guess that's true. Still, I've enough with my training for now."
And for a moment, we just write our reports.
"Speaking of," Halting her scribbling, running a hand into her hair, she looks back at me, "I had heard some rumors about your training I was wanting to ask about."
"Hm? About?"
"Well, it seems you had some sort of standoff against two of your squadmates in the simulators. However, I doubt Sgt Jinguuji would have normally allowed such a thing." She then remains staring, tapping her papers with a finger.
"Sigh. Yes, it was my idea. I proposed it to the Instructor and she went along with it, is all."
Smirking, she nods, "I see. I heard you put on quite the show back then. It's a shame we weren't nearby, might have managed to have Hayase sober for another pair of weeks."
"Is she that troublesome when she gets drunk?"
"Well, not troublesome per se," Licking her lips, grimacing a bit, she sighs, "She gets kind of down or very angry. It's either endure her screaming and raising her voice at every little thing or, if she drinks something very strong, to have her slumped on a table crying her woes out. Oh, please don't tell her I told you, it's supposed to be a secret of the squad."
"Don't worry, my lips are sealed, ma'am. Not a word leaves this walls." I smile with a nod, she returns the gesture.
Picking up her pen, she begins writing again, "So, were the rumors of the show accurate?"
"I guess, yeah. I ended up losing, but I managed to pull off one of those stunts we talked about before during it, so I'm content with the result."
"One of- You mean those unorthodox line-piercing maneuvers?"
"Yeah, three times in total."
"Wh- Three? How?"
I smile, simply shrugging, "It just came naturally, I guess. What I did was a sudden dive, similar to what the base Kaizer's Break Skill does."
"I see. Still, did you actually do so with the same blinding speed?"
"Of course, there's little point otherwise." I nod, she again gets tilted.
"Heh, I can see why the Instructor sang that praise for you, 'hotshot'. You truly might end up surpassing Hayase's cadet records."
"If it keeps her off the alcohol, you should root for me then."
"Haha, I might, I might. Still, don't get overconfident, Shirogane," Back to a serious expression, she held my gaze with a poker face. "I won't try to dissuade you from using those moves, but don't let the pride get to your head."
"I won't. I still lost that fight, in the end." And I also lost against your squad this morning. Seems the only thing I can win at are games.
"That's a good thing. Hayase herself sometimes gets too reckless, and we did lose to this pilot I spoke of before. Keep your feet on the ground and your gaze on the sky, and you'll become a fine surface pilot, cadet."
"Thanks, ma'am. I'll keep your words close."
She nods back, smiling, "They'll help you much, I'm sure. Perhaps, you may even end up joining my unit once you become commissioned," Chuckling, she says as if joking. She must think I'll be surprised once I effectively do.
"I'll end up ruining the motif of the squad, if you're all females. Can't exactly be a Valkyrie as a male."
"It would be a shame, if we lost such a promising novice due to such concerns," She chuckles and I go along, rereading what I wrote thus far, seeing I'm close to finishing. "But still, I'm certain your future squadron will benefit much from your skills, Shirogane. Just don't try to shoulder all on your own, ace pilots are sent to fight on their own for a reason."
"I know, and I don't plan on becoming a burden." Finishing my read, nodding to myself in satisfaction, my report is done. "Well, my work is done, ma'am," I pass her the papers, which she takes and starts inspecting.
"Hmm… Despite how we were talking, you did manage to keep the spacing well and to choose the proper wording. Very good work, cadet."
"Thanks. So, I suppose I should be on my way."
"Ah, yes. It has been a long while since you arrived." We both stand up, but as I was about to offer her a handshake, she walked up to me, eyes focused on mine as she folded her arms. "Shirogane, may I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, what is it?"
"Why do you fight?"
"Huh? Why?"
"Indeed. I've heard the rumors. A Japanese that was living abroad, enlisted in the UN, returns to the Empire and shows himself to be an ace recruit. A very promising pilot, as well. And yet, despite the setbacks you've encountered, despite what transpired during the CCSE, you are still here." Leaving the silence hanging, her eyes never leave mine, scanning and delving. "I know you're not obliged to answer, but I'd like to hear your reasons. Why are you here, near the frontlines? What compels you to fight?"
…
"…I want my peace back."
"What?"
"I want my world back. I want to show the children that will come that there is more to life than learning how to handle a rifle. I want a world… with zero wars."
"…That's quite ambitious of you," She says, slowly grasping her chin, treading it with a finger as her brows arc, "Yet, it isn't so simple, I'm sure you know. Perhaps, having a more closer, personal goal would help you?"
"I do, besides the bigger picture." And that's saving my world.
"And that would be…"
"Someone out there… needs my help. I'm here because this is the place where I can make the biggest difference, for their sake."
"And what about you? What do you get from this?"
"…Leaving something behind that isn't flames and debris."
"Huh?"
"I… suffered an accident, before coming here. I couldn't do a thing, to be honest. So, I kind of… want to prove to myself that I can make a difference. That I can save someone."
Not like during Iceberg, where everyone under my command died. Not like the fleet, that also met their doom against the BETA in the long run.
Not like last loop, where my efforts in Sadogashima didn't matter in the end as Model B exploded. Not like during the defense of the base, where I couldn't make a difference, having to leave Hayase behind, failing to protect the others, and crashing my Shiranui in my frustration. And definitely not like Kashgar, where I just was a spectator, where my own squadmates and Sensei didn't think I had it in me to do what was necessary, to the point of them deceiving me with that radar glitch.
Thus far, all I've done is fuck things up. Not this time. This time, I will save as many as I can. I won't be a burden again.
Feeling a pat in my shoulder, I get out of dreamland to find the Cpt smiling, her own eyes clouded a bit. "It's a hard thing to manage, a survivor's guilt. I won't tell you how to handle your feelings, but don't try to do any heroics to make up for your past failings. And, if you need it-"
"I don't need more hypnotherapy, no."
"I see, forgive me for mentioning it."
"No, it's fine. I… just wanna help, as much as I can. There's no bigger meaning, I simply want to leave a world worth living in. Just that." I shrug, sighing then placing my hands on my pockets.
She nods, folding her arms, "That is a worthy goal to aim for, cadet. But, don't forget. You are not alone in this fight. If I may… Would you allow me to tell you a small motto me and my squadmates employ?"
Raising a brow, to fake my surprise, I nod. Smiling a bit she then straightens her posture as she coughs. Business game back in her face, both arms folding behind her back, the fire pouring from her eyes towered over me, as it did during the few times we trained and fought together, despite her not being Walken levels of tall.
And with a sharp breath, Cpt Isumi spoke firmly and loudly, like a waterfall of crystal, "Carry out your mission at all costs! Fight to your very last breath! Make your death count!" Fuming the air out from her nose like a bull, she then chills down, her arms again joining in a relaxed knot. "That's our motto, that we repeat before we march to battle. If you're so determined to see through your goals towards such a wide scope, perhaps you could keep these words close to you."
"Yes… It's a fine motto, ma'am. But…" Looking up, folding my arms, can't help but to twist my lips, arc my brows as that cold feeling covers my back, "I don't think I agree with it one hundred percent."
"Hm? Oh, I see." Far from being annoyed, she smiles as she tilts her head, again playing with her hair. "Then, what do you find it hard to accept in the words? Let's assume you just joined my squadron and heard the motto, what would you say?"
Again with that, huh. She seems a bit too intense about me joining the Valkyries. I thought Hayase was the only one, but looks like I was wrong.
"Well, the first line is kinda iffy for me. While I know there is no easy solution, that we as soldiers must do what we have to, I… I do not agree with that 'at all costs' part. I know it probably means to have us be willing to lay down our lives if it comes to it, but, well," Yuuko's pale face comes back, the lab coat dangling like an overcoat from her lithe body, that was getting thinner and thinner with every visit. The explosions of the XM3's test, the madness that it caused, the result of Iceberg, of Alt V, all of it makes me grimace as the foul taste of rusted metal and acid fill my mouth, "I don't think such extremes are a good choice. Sometimes, the cost of a victory is far greater than it would be to admit a quick defeat."
"A Pyrrhic victory, huh? I suppose, if you had to endure through an accident of this war, your views of the aftermath and its repercussions might be different than ours. Still, there will be times when it's all or nothing."
"…And refusing to truly look for a solution may send you into a downwards spiral from which you might not be able to escape, in my opinion." I shake my head, rustling my pockets. She gestures me to continue, so I do after clearing my mouth. "The last one is… well, I kind of have a problem with it."
"And that is?"
"Replace death with life, that's what it should be. At times, you might not get to decide how you die. And, for all you know, your death," The G-Bombs explosions come back, the blurry wasteland filled with death. How in the end, all of that carnage was pointless. "might not truly mean anything, more than to be a meat shield."
"…I do not think it wise to hold those views. It's true, some missions…" She looks down, holding her elbows tightly, as if they were a crack in a ship, about to burst open to the sea's pressure, "will have many die pointless deaths. However, I believe there is much to gain by reminding ourselves that our deaths are not pointless."
"I disagree. I think that reminding your troop that the best thing they can do is stay alive is more important. Your everyday efforts, what you do for your comrades and people, all of that is more important than the last seconds of your life." I nod, meeting her gaze, feeling my own eyes blazing.
"Might I ask why you think so?"
"Because someone once told me that the best thing a soldier could do is to stay alive. Even if others call you a coward, even if they deem you useless, so long as you remain alive you'll have a chance to make a difference. Changing the present is something only the ones who survive can do." Feeling that same gale, that tornado in my gut, the valor Marimo-chan imprinted into me during my first loops is enough to make me take a step forward and nod, arms folded.
She seems taken aback, perhaps because she sees the similarities of my words to the Instructor's, but holds my gaze as she stays cool. "That's a fair point of view. It's…" Then, she smiles, "refreshing, to hear such words coming from someone so young."
"Huh? Why?"
"Because most pilots your age are all about their bravado, their over eagerness to prove themselves worthy. A surface pilot fears not death, but to die pointlessly," She tells, sighing and shaking her head, quite strongly. "The fact that you know your life isn't over even if you're a coward tells much about you. And even if I do not entirely agree with your assessment of our motto, I respect your opinion, Shirogane."
"Thanks, ma'am." Taking a step back, I then give her a bow. Sigh, thank God she didn't get upset at my usual speeches.
"So, do you also have something to say about the second line?"
"Well, yes. That's more of a personal thing, however."
"Feel free to speak. So, what do you think of it?"
"I don't have a problem with the 'Fight to the last breath' part. It's just… Again, it kind of implies we're gonna die."
"Well, chances are, once we step into the battlefield we might perish." She notes, raising a hand to point a finger at me.
"Still, I think that's a bit too doomerish."
"Doomer… what?"
"Like, way to pessimistic and negative. I know there's no battle with zero casualties, and that strengthening your mental game for when shit hits the fan is important but… I'm back to what I said before." Shrugging, feeling those hands pull at my shoulders as they cry, those cries as they vanished during Iceberg, I can't help but to frown as a cold blanket covers me. "I want to be a guiding light for the rest-" Just like Yuuko, Marimo-chan and Meiya were for me when I needed them the most. "So instead of basically telling them to do their worst before they die, I rather inspire them to overcome the adversity. To dare to hope for our victory, to howl towards tomorrow. Instead of wasting my time worrying about dying a pointless death, I rather take it all in and break through the pain."
"That's… a peculiar way of thought." She says, arms folded as she raises a brow, looking at me as my mom did when I actually got good scores in college.
"I said it before, I want to make a difference. That's why I favor those 'flashy' and dangerous moves, because they inspire others. They show them that we can pierce through the adversity. Of course, I haven't yet fought officially, so I can't say my ideas hold water. But…" Inhaling deep, recalling my own times of war, the blurry mess I inherited from you, that Shura's Dance mission, the cold hands embrace me from behind as I can't help but to smirk. "Rather than remaining isolated, stagnant, I'll face the adversity and break through it all. I've a goal to accomplish, and such hesitant and negative words won't rouse me to my feet. I'll be the guiding light others need me to be, so I don't have time to think about dying pointlessly or anything. I will carry on, until I reach my objective."
She slowly claps, making a small smile, "Your determination is noted, Shirogane." Getting serious again, she then fold her arms, "However, do remember that we remind ourselves those words for a reason. We follow the surface pilot code to the letter because of that, even if we must force ourselves to smile at times, so that we can keep on marching."
"And is that how you plan to win the war?"
"Huh?"
"To simply grin and bear it? To ignore the madness around you? No, I disagree, ma'am. That's why instead of simply convincing myself that's how things are, I'll struggle to make a positive difference."
"And, what happens when you meet a wall you cannot overcome, cadet?"
"I won't be alone. Even if it might seem impossible, there's always a solution. So even if it's more painful than to accept the cruelty of war, I want to try to inspire others. And even if I'm met with another failure… I'll struggle until the end, not thinking to make my death count, but to live on and help rebuild what's left behind. Life is tough enough already, so I'll despair after I'm dead. I rather try to spread hope than to surrender to dread."
I wouldn't forgive myself if I fuck things up again. This time I'll try to truly help, not just with what's in front of me, but what with comes after the fire dies down. I know that for the other soldiers, they're facing a losing war and that's why they remind themselves not to lose it. But, for what will come, I believe inspiring people to have a reason to dream of tomorrow is more important. There will be a time where the war will end, and the soldiers will return to their homes. If their own personal wars are not over by then, it's up to those who lead them to guide them away from the aggression of the military lifestyle, of this endless battle. They need their own reason not to give up hope, otherwise, if only soldiers remain behind, humanity is fucked. Just as Marimo-chan did for us in my first loops, I wanna teach whoever ends up under me to be more than a mere soldier. Though, that might be my guilt talking.
"Sorry if I rambled too much, I tend to get carried away when I start with a speech."
"…No, it's alright." She says, low, arms folding tight as she takes a step back, eyes veering away as her brows got lower. "So, you're determined to 'despair after you perish', so to speak?"
"Yes, basically. I know it might be presumptuous of me, but perhaps you could try to widen your vision, Captain." I'm sure you'd like to have a life with your lover, and you can't do that if you keep focusing on the negatives. As Yuuko says, you have to focus on what gets you out of the problem. Otherwise, those tachyon-thingies will only lead you to a solution that can only be reached through your death.
"I see. I shall take it into consideration." She notes.
"Well, it's just my opinion, is all." I scratch my head, chuckling a bit.
Yet, she nods while still looking away, "If I may ask, if you're set in this way, what do you think of the protocols that would have you stand your ground for the sake of a mission? Of leaving a comrade behind?"
"…If it is for a fair cause, I will fight tooth and nail until I can't go on. And if it is unavoidable… I'll honor the life of my comrade, to ensure the memory of their life carries on. If it's time for action and not words, then I'll do my best to carry out my duty while not betraying my ideals. And no matter who or what stands in my way, I'll crush the fangs of anyone who dares to harm either me, my comrades, or my goals. I want to see the end of this war, but for the day after it, I want to give others a reason to fight their despair. So, that's why I'll lead by example and despair after I die," Even if I'm doing a terrible job at it as of late.
"Is that so. That's a very firm belief you hold, cadet," She nods, eyes closed. Then, she stands there, not looking at me, not saying anything else. As I was wondering if I should say something, she again fumes as a bull, walking past me, opening the door. "It was a pleasure to meet you, cadet." She says, court and composed.
"No, the pleasure was mine, Captain." Slowly walking towards her, I had started to offer a hand for her to shake.
Yet, she begins to close the door, forcing me to quickly step aside and outside. Standing in the opening left, she nods at me, "Thanks for your aid, and best of luck in your training, cadet. Good night."
"Yes, good night, ma'am," Standing in attention, I give her a salute.
Which she doesn't return, closing the door slowly instead. So I simply stare at it for a while, hunching over.
Did she get mad at my words? Well, I kind of got carried away there. And I again rebuked her approach, and even her motto. After having done that as the Viking, and besting the Valkyries in the game, I should have known better.
Dragging my feet towards the elevator, I can't help but to sigh. Feel again all cold, and heavy.
"Did she really get so upset? I don't think I said anything weird." Sure, it kind of clashes with the absolute obedience soldiers must display to their orders and duty, but go and tell that to the pigs that let us all die instead of deploying the G-Bombs in Iceberg.
Maybe she's also different, like the girls were at first. Maybe she, too, is kind of a nationalistic and hides it under her duty as a UN captain. Or maybe I just struck a wrong nerve, I mean, she did lose two squadmates during Niigata. But really, I'm just following Marimo-chan's advice, the one she gave after I fainted and the poem, so she should understand. Eh, I'm sure Cpt Isumi will see what I mean, either by herself or when I get the chance to work with her again. Yeah! Think positive! Unlike that little boy, I have my squadmates here. Sure, they're not as likable as they were before, but I can still rely on them.
And there's also Kasumi, my psydekick of a bunny doesn't need to see me more down than she has already seen me.
"Cadet Shirogane!"
Turning around, an operator was approaching me, folder under her arm.
"Yes, what do you need?"
"XO Kouzuki is calling for you, to the meeting room, it seems."
Sigh… It's almost 2100 hours, Yuuko. What the fuck? On the plus side, I can make sure she actually eats dinner.
"Understood, I've received my orders." Sharing a salute with the operator, I then pick up my pace towards the elevator, since I'm sure you must be waiting already.
A/N: So, originally, this was going to be only the opening scene of this chapter. However, as you can see, it got way too long. I didn't feel like cutting much, despite there being silly moments that could be seen as unnecessary. The other half of this chapter will come later, delaying the mock battle by one chapter.
That's all, thanks for reading. Stay safe.
Zuoriel