A Mid-Sinnoh Night's- Yeah, just kidding, this isn't a normal chapter.
Heyo! It's me, Not-Hilbert! You can tell, because that handsome young man doesn't wear glasses!
Yes, we look exactly the same, but I have red shades, and everyone knows that if your accessories are different, you definitely are NOT the same person.
Funny thing, I punched Jirachi in the face, and they called up their cousin Celebi, who called up their friend Hoopa, and now I'm stuck in a TV studio. If the camera panned away right now, you'd see lights and boom mic's.
This is a sort of way station, you could say. Mail from your side of the screen gets here, and I'm feeling a bit omniscient today, so I'll see what questions I can answer!
Not-Hilbert reached into what looked like a ballot box, labeled
'2016'.
Man, I love screwing with elections. Let's see here… Ah, there's one!
He pulled out a pink envelope, encrusted with plastic heart-shaped gems and doused in glitter glue.
Huh, no sender. Okay, let's see here…
After tearing the letter open, he took one look and rolled his eyes.
No, viewers, this isn't a harem story. Though, and keep this between us, if it were, Lucas and Barry would be included. Not as eunuchs either.
And by the way, do you know how annoying it is to have information beamed into your brain, and taken away on a whim? What was that question anyway?
He tossed the letter and a poorly-drawn crayon sketch of stick figures kissing into a similarly colored bin, appropriately labeled 'CAST INTO THE DEPTHS OF TARTARUS'.
Moving on! Okay, this is fun, 'What's with the obsession with Gurren Lagann'?
Not-Hilbert looked up, seriously.
Now, from what I can tell, or what the guy in the director's chair tells me, the author is kind of a loser. He watched Evangelion, decided to stop liking hospitals (Not that he did much in the first place), and watched Gurren Lagann to soothe his induced bouts of depression. Second thing, he thought Golurk was really cool, and as someone who is definitely Not-Hilbert himself, I'm inclined to agree. I'm pretty sure he stopped caring about writing Mary Sues or whatever and just gave Golett superpowers and a drill. Which, you know, fair, but maybe not the best decision if you want to be taken seriously.
Also, willpower is like, super badass and stuff.
Next thing…
He withdrew a plain-envelope from the box, before leaning back on the plasticky couch.
'Why include the Stat-trainers if they aren't in a harem?'
Not-Hilbert clicked his tongue.
To give Dawn some friends, add diversity to the group, and fan-service, probably. In order of importance, I'm pretty sure. He knocked his head back to focus on something off stage. Does that bastard have enough fans to warrant service?
"Yes! Er, no! Uh, I mean… we'll get back to you on that!"
Thank you, disembodied stage-hand!
"No problem!"
Back to the topic at hand!
...What was that exactly?
Right, next question. 'Why are the protagonists older?'
That's a toss-up. In the original plan, the author intended for the setting to be slightly darker, and have them act like characters in Shinji and Warhammer 40k. That, obviously, changed, and the reasoning switched to 'I thought it would be funny, and that's around the time they could get a driver's license, so they could probably go out on their own at that age'.
They could have been eighteen, but considering the events yet to come, that would make them too old in the Night's Dream Universe. Is that what they're calling it now? Anyway, it's the best age range for them to simultaneously be dumb kids and have most of their freedoms. And it's better than them being ten, right?
Not-Hilbert shuffled around the box some more, after discarding his invisible cue card.
'Is Ash Ketchum a person?'
Solid 'maybe'. He could exist, but in a different form. Maybe he skipped Sinnoh because he didn't have a reason to go there.
If the question was related to your reality, the answer is no, obviously.
"Hey, you need to talk about the rating!"
What rating?
"You know, how Dawn and Hilbert are dating?"
It's rated 'T' and this is Pokemon! What kind of degenerate would write smut about teenagers?
"But they slept together and stuff!"
You're operating under the right definition but the wrong implication! And this is a fanfiction we're talking about, the author is probably in his teens anyway, if not actually a squealing schoolgirl.
"Don't diss me!"
Shut up, disembodied-stage-hand-which-may-or-may-not-be-the-author!
"Eat shit!"
Not-Hilbert waved his hand, and the off-stage voice dissipated.
Back to what we were talking about, next question that no one asked!
'Why do the main characters get to catch Legendaries? Does the world revolve around him? Fucking Mary Sues!'
Totally agreed, the author screwed up with that. But, it's not like the main character in every Pokemon game doesn't catch the box Legendary. And considering all the bullshit in ORAS's post-game, it's not incredibly inaccurate. That universe is based on the games, with lots of influence from the anime and fiction in the real world. Hence, the drills.
Oh, but this one's gonna piss you off. The author has watched a combined total of at most, twenty episodes of the anime, and maybe two movies. But! He has played every main line since Gen 4. Not that he finished every single one, but the sentiment remains.
This was a straw-man on my part, I apologize. The author is sending these in himself, I think, because again, because he's massive loser.
"Fuck you!"
Get some self-confidence, my god! Onwards and onwards, let's see.
'Why introduce so much swearing to the setting?'
They swear a lot in Gurren Lagann, I dunno what to tell you. Most media is shared with your world, with obvious differences. The Power Rangers probably have a few robot fossil Pokemon running around.
The concept of the word 'Fuck' doesn't exist though, which is really, really funny in hindsight.
'What's coming after this story's over?'
Dude, the author doesn't even have a buffer. He's writing this as he goes, but he'll probably finish it in around two months. After that, he'll chill out and work on smaller stories in the same universe. One involving the dreaded self-insert character, another involving a new region, and Hilda girlbossing her way through Unova.
That's all the questions for now, let me check in on how the side-characters are doing.
Johanna, watching television, called up Michelle, Barry's mother.
"Before you call him an start yelling-"
"HE CAUGHT TWO LEGENDARY POKEMON! OH, PALMER'S GOING TO BE SO PROUD, I HOPE HE'S WATCHING HIS LITTLE BOY'S GYM CHALLENGE!"
"-Right, so, that's the trend with Hilbert's troupe. Don't get too worked up!"
There was a sniff on the other side of the line.
"I'm so proud of my boy…"
"He's such a nice boy, I hope he's getting along with all of those girls."
"Girls?"
"...Well, aside from Dawn, there's Cheryl, who's really mature, compared to the rest of them, at least, and Marley, who's very soft-spoken."
"Grandchildren!"
Somewhere across the region, Barry randomly coughed and felt a deep sense of embarrassment and/or dread.
"Don't get ahead of yourself, girl, they're only sixteen!"
"Right, right. So, who likes who? You got that at least, right?"
"What kind of mom would I be if I didn't? It looks like Dawn's likes my little Hilby, though she'd probably have to smack him over the head with a brick for him to get it."
"Is she violent?"
"Oh, sometimes, but only in the flirty way. He doesn't seem to mind much, Golett- Oh, I mean Golurk, gave him a lot of endurance."
"Really? I could've sworn that one Gym Leader kicked him in the face during his battle."
"He got better."
"Girl, do I need to report you for child neglect?"
"He's got an aura or something, whatever that means. He's punched Drapion and other Pokemon in the face, from what Cheryl tells me."
"Oh, is Cheryl interested in him too?"
"No, she's just nice, though boys can be boys and get confused."
"They're not very smart, are they?"
"Lucas seemed to be an intelligent boy when we first arrived, but Hilbert got to him. Now he's smart-mouthed too."
Michelle laughed, "Are they all like that?"
"Dawn keeps Hilbert in order, and I don't know how they act when they're not here."
"When's the wedding?"
Johanna snorted. "They're just sixteen."
"I met Palmer when I was a wee lass."
"You got hit by his Milotic's Ice Beam in the forest, that's hardly a romantic meeting."
"Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday, he built a fire for me and was such a gentleman and he…"
Click.
"Not dealing with that. I need to get more 'juice' from the store anyway."
Professor Rowan was a mature, dignified man, who had not, and would not ever, bang his head into his desk in frustration.
However, with his brow furrowed, looking over the capture data gave him a slight inkling that it would be preferable.
It started with Shaymin. That was an event on its own. Mythical Pokemon were mythical, not supposed to exist. Hilbert catching one set an unfortunate precedent for young trainers that wanted to catch similar Pokemon of their own. One of the newer professors he knew complained about a boy who wouldn't stop talking about catching Mew, which made him chuckle, but also made him feel sympathy for a dream that would inevitably be crushed.
Then, the situation with Articuno, Zapdos, and Moltres. Those were common enough for being Legendaries, though it was an annoyance to deal with Krane's lax communication habits. He'd seen it be done before, it would surely happen in other regions before he could retire.
A few other Pokemon here and there, some definitely abnormal. From the notes of another professor, he determined Honedge were not supposed to be that long. It seemed Hilbert's rarely-used Whirlipede was the most normal thing he owned.
Barry broke the pattern by catching a trio master and one of its creations.
Regi were common, not nearly as common as the birds, but still, could be found in numerous regions.
Their masters, however, were much less easy to catch. It generally required three Regi to be caught and brought to a certain location, and it would awaken.
Barry had destroyed that theory, using nothing but a drill made of water and willpower.
Maybe it was the proximity to Hilbert, Rowan sighed as he continued typing his newest thesis, 'The Effects Of Evolution on Pokemon Psyche'.
In the depths of a warehouse, locked behind many doors and hidden entrances, Cyrus sat at his desk, fingers tented under his nose.
The loss of the three Legendary Birds had left him smarting, and had forced him to change plans.
And so, his tactical formulation began. That was always Saturn's suit, preferring logistics to outright battles in most situations.
The bomb test in Pastoria had worked out well enough. It would have to do.
And now, back to our leading ladies and gentlemen!
Hilbert had gone out for drinks that evening with Lucas and Barry. Sodas, obviously, but there was a similar vibe. The sun had set outside, and the rustic bar was illuminated by charcoal flames.
After taking a deep gulp of carbonated water, he slammed his mug down and started thinking, putting a hand under his chin.
"Lads, I believe I am in a pickle. A predicament, even. A situation, if you will."
Lucas leaned forward, his shadow casting itself over the counter and Barry's arms. "What sort of situation?"
"The most complicated sort. The kind that involves women."
Barry knocked his head back, chuckling as lightly as a guy like him could. Which is to say, like full-blown laughter, but that's neither here nor there. "And your first idea was to ask Lucas? I mean, man, I've had plenty o' dumb ideas, but mister stoic over here never got as many girls as I did."
"You never got any, Barry."
"Details, who needs 'em?"
Hilbert coughed, bringing their attention back to the matter of life or death. "So, um, there's this girl…"
"Uhuh."
"And we're kind of a thing, I think…"
"Hm, continue."
"And like, I think I ought to take her on a date sometime soon. Cuz that's what you do, right?"
"Oh, but Hilbert, who is this mysterious girl you're speaking of?" Barry asked, tone clearly dripping with sarcasm.
Sarcasm which Hilbert completely missed, as he instead began whistling and avoiding eye contact. "Y'know… Just someone I know?"
"Someone we know?"
"I dunno."
"Can we get a name?"
"You wouldn't know here."
Barry scooted his chair back just to slap his knee. "Ah, the classic! 'She goes to another school', haven't heard that one since we graduated!"
"It's true!"
"Sure it is, bud," Barry replied, condescending him with joking intent. "So, what's the plan?"
"Uh… That's what I needed help with."
"Damn it, Hilby!"
The bartender actually came over to warn Barry about how much of a public disturbance he was causing. After apologizing on the blond's behalf, they were left alone.
"But seriously, do I just ask her to get lunch with me or something?"
"Something. We don't have a clue either. I mean, we're guys."
"Okay, time to get out the big guns. Porygon, call the professor!"
"...You're insane, I forgot."
As the cross-transceiver rang, Hilbert smirked across the counter. "Yeah, but I'm the fun kind of crazy, not the Psychic-type kind."
Click.
"Hilbert? What are you calling for at this time of night? Is there an emergency?"
"Not yet, see, professor, you seem like a suave type of guy."
"...I'm not sure I understand the question."
"I'm in Snowpoint City, where do I take a girl on a date?"
Click.
Hilbert looked down at his watch, distressed. "He… he hung up on me!"
"Like you wouldn't?"
"Whatever, time to call in the big big guns."
Click.
"Hey, Looker!"
Lucas muttered, "You've got to be kidding me."
"What is it, Black? Is Team Galactic on the move?"
"No, it's much more urgent."
"Oh, then tell me immediately."
"Know any date spots in Snowpoint City?"
"Go to a nice small library, sit on a couch near a fireplace, and get some warm drinks."
Click.
"Huh. I'll have to try that out."
"Are we just going to ignore that you used Interpol to get a date?" Lucas asked, dumbstruck.
"You're just jealous."
He scoffed, "Yeah, right."
They finished their drinks, and after heading back to the inn, realized that buying caffeinated drinks wasn't the best move.
Over the next few days in Snowpoint, they prepared for the journey south, having more snowball fights than anything else, but that's neither here nor there.
Hilbert and Dawn's date, if you could call it that, was average at the very least. Of course, Barry and Cheryl were spying, er, in the area by happenstance, with funky disguises, which Hilbert didn't mention nor notice.
That left Lucas and Marley on their own- who would've guessed- but if anything came of that, it wasn't obvious to anyone else.
And we're back from commercial break!
We've got a few more questions tonight, so let's get through them so I can take a nap.
"You're stuck between realities, you don't take naps!"
I like to try!
"Get back to work!"
Screw you! Fine, whatever. 'How does other media translate into Pokemon?'
I dunno. In most cases, it just replaces your animals with Pokemon, and because the world isn't too cartoony, there is probably a version of Fifty Shades out there. Twilight and an odd version of Yugioh exist at least, along with a lot of other things.
'Why choose the Pokemon Black and White protagonist instead of using Lucas?'
As you may remember, the author really likes Golurk, and people only just started liking Unova again, because bandwagoning is a thing. The story really started before the DPP remakes were announced. The original version, at least. Also, I think Lucas's outfit is horrendous and I couldn't have a guy like that be the Kamina imitator he is today.
Ding ding ding, I just got a notification! The author is planning to upload some non-canon one-shots in the future, but set in the same world! How exciting. The fanfic author writes fanfic, who'd've guessed.
See you in a week folks, though I probably won't exist anymore! This is Not-Hilbert, signing off.
I said, this is Not-Hilbert, signing-
The television cut to black with an audible 'zorp'.
A muffled Finally escaped from the speaker.
The exact reason for Hilby's date being average, instead of good, was the fact someone interrupted it.
"You!"
Hilbert looked away from the book he was reading. Dawn was laying across hi., one arm behind her back and one above her stomach. She was curled up into him, reading an encyclopedia of sorts about contest history. "Can I help you?"
The guy who shouted out of nowhere had purple hair and a permanently furrowed brow. "What kind of trainer are you? Spending your time in libraries and not in the field, that's weak."
"Then why are you here?"
"I needed research materials, though I'm sure you couldn't understand it if you tried…" The boy trailed off as he realized Hilbert stopped paying attention and had started rereading the page he was on. "Hey!"
"Oh, sorry, I zoned out, what were you talking about?" Hilbert asked in the most uninterested voice that he could.
"You're going to become weak if you spend your time on useless entertainment and ditzes, that's common sense."
"I'll have you know, Kazuki Takahashi is a literary genius with multiple awards given to him by a variety of-"
"You picked that manga off the shelf, Hilby," Dawn said, focused more on her studying than whatever he was arguing about.
"It's a good one, that's what matters!"
"Pathetic."
"Who are you again?"
"We battled on the route to Pastoria during May. You must be losing brain cells," said the purple-haired boy with a sneer.
Hilbert blinked. "I think that's a diss. Dawn, was that a diss?"
"Yes, Hilby, that was a diss."
"Oh. Then I challenge you to a battle, whoever-you-are!"
"My name is Paul. You'll remember it as the name of the man who beat you."
Hilbert excused himself from his entanglement, promising he'd be back in half-an-hour, resulting in another sneer from Phil. Or whatever his name was.
Hilbert stood in the middle of a cleared field of snow, his attached cleats crunching the icy ground beneath. Paul stood at the other side, stock-still and grasping a Pokeball.
Through gritted teeth, the other boy said, "I'm waiting."
Hilbert shrugged. "Send out your first Pokemon."
"Aggron, get to work."
The Hoenn-native pseudo-legendary crashed onto the field, kicking aside snow. Its skulls was external, almost like a helmet, with sharp bone-like rock sticking out at jagged angles.
"Send out your Pokemon."
"Nah?"
"What?" Pauly paused. "This isn't a game."
Hilbert looked off into the distance, as if it was a camera, and gave it a dull look.
"I'll fight for them. See, I was in the middle of a date." His eyes flared blue. "And you called Dawn a ditz. I don't think she noticed, but I sure as hell did."
"You're not just weak, but crazy too."
Aggron was hit in the face by a quick Aura Sphere, slung by as soon as Poe finished talking.
"What on…"
"I've trained with Lucario," he said, simply, before punching the still-standing Aggron in the face. Aura flared upon the hit, like a fire had lit around his fist, and the Rock-type actually stumbled backwards.
While Pumice might have had reservations about attacking people, his Aggron was trained to react in a certain way to attacks.
As such, it formed a Rock Smash with its hands and bashed it over Hilbert's head.
The rock broke.
Though, Hilbert definitely got a headache. He jumped back, rubbing his scalp and wincing. "Ow. Might have a bruise there later."
"That's odd," Pollux frowned. Well, more than usual. "The hell are you?"
Hilbert smirked like a devil. "I'm your worst Arceus-damned nightmare."
After the promised half-an-hour, Hilbert returned, his jacket torn, slightly damp, but warmed by his aura. He left behind an utterly defeated trail of Pokemon and a furious trainer. But, he'd been looking forward to getting back to the library.
Zap.
"Ah!" Dawn shrieked, having been rapidly shaken from her focus. He pulled his finger away from her nose, chuckling.
Static electricity was fun. Why else would he fight an Electivire?
AN:
Quite possibly the least serious thing I have written, which is saying something about the story's general quality. And no, it's not quite 100k, but I feel like uploading it now, so deal.
There are maybe ten full chapters left in this thing, and I'm gonna make 'em count.