A few days after we nailed Walker, Casey had him arraigned as an accomplice to first-degree murder…among other things. The charges for which he'd originally been arrested, or so she told us, would still hold up: Baltimore was looking to have him extradited to them once we were done with him in New York. It didn't really make sense to me, at least not at first; Abby took it upon herself to explain that it was because in the event that he got a walk here, there was still a chance that he'd serve time.
"We read him his rights, he confessed," said Kay, once Abby had cut herself off. "If he walks here, I'll eat my gun."
"No, you won't," I told her. "No one's going to eat their gun, and I don't want to hear any more about it, either."
"Of course you don't," Abby muttered sarcastically, "But she has a point. There's no way he should get a walk."
"You'd be surprised about the amount of crap these juries are willing to swallow." Casey's voice broke into our conversation and we looked up to find her standing in the door of the interview room, which had somehow been turned into our makeshift squad room.
"You look like you've swallowed a lemon," said Tim, "What's wrong?" Casey sighed and stepped into the room, closing the door behind her.
"Walker and his attorney are looking to dismiss the case," she said.
"What?" Kay demanded loudly. "That's ridiculous. There is no way in hell those charges should be dropped."
"I know," said Casey, "Believe me, I know. But they're claiming that there isn't any evidence linking him to the…" Abby cut her off.
"The note," she said, "Show her the note."
Our seventh murder had been discovered the day after we'd arrested Walker; with the body had been our ninth and tenth notes. I shuffled through the paperwork I'd left to build up and pulled a dark green envelope from the middle. Casey eyed it and then me before shaking her head.
"How many of those are there, really?" she asked, and the four of us exchanged glances.
"Ten," I said finally, reluctantly. "There are ten of them."
"Does the rest of the unit know?" Casey asked. I shook my head.
"I wasn't aware they needed to; they're not working this case." I said.
"Yeah, well…now would be a good time to tell at least one of them," said Casey. "Technically, this isn't Baltimore's case anymore, so if anyone would know about these notes, it's this unit. The defense might be able to screw us over on this alone if they find out no one else knew."
"They won't if people can keep their mouths shut," said Abby. "Any suggestions?"
Casey sighed. "The notes need to be shown to the others, preferably as soon as possible. That's really all I can tell you." She reached out and took the envelope from my hands before continuing. "You're sure this one implicates Collins in all of this?"
"Yeah, we're sure," said Tim, "It's kind of obvious once you read it."
"Fine," said Casey. She paused and looked at her watch, sighing before continuing on. "I'll see you all tomorrow."
She turned and left the room, careful to close the door again behind her. Abby looked at me and sighed.
"She's right, you know," she said, "We do need to show these notes to your unit." I let the pen I was holding fall to the table and reached for the other seven envelopes that had been hidden from Casey's view.
"Do you have any idea what they're going to do to me if they find out about this?" I asked. "They already think we're going about this the wrong way as it is."
"Screw them for a minute and think about the case," said Abby. "What would you rather have, hell from this unit or Collins and Walker on the streets?"
She had a point. It wasn't often that we got second chances in a job like ours, but when we did…if we'd screwed it up the first time, we made it a point not to do it a second time.
"All right," I said, "All right. I'll…I'll show them the notes." I rose to my feet, taking the envelopes off of the table and headed towards the door, but before I could open it, Kay spoke. I turned to face her just as she stuck her cell phone back into her pocket.
"That was Collins," she said. "There's been another murder. Same location as last time." She motioned out towards the squad room. "You might want to bring them back on this."
That was the last thing I'd wanted to hear, and I told her so, but she gave me a look, rising to her feet and motioning for Tim to come with her.
"Eight murders in two months," she said. "Do you hear that? Eight. In two months. If we haven't gotten anywhere with just the four of us working this, we're probably not going to. The least you can do is ask them to help us out."
"What the hell makes you think they're going to want to?" I asked. "They're already pissed off enough as it is. This is going to make it worse."
"The only thing that's going to make it worse is Walker getting off on these charges," said Abby, fixing me with a look that I'd gotten from Rose one too many times before. "Just ask. If they say no, then so be it. If they say yes, fill them in. It's that easy."
If she honestly thought it was going to be easy, she had another thing coming. I shook my head without saying anything and pulled the door open, moving so that Kay and Tim could leave before heading to the squad room. Abby remained where she was, which, considering, was probably a good thing.
"Don't tell me," Elliot said loudly when I walked in, "They're starting to get tired of you, too."
"I didn't ask for your sarcasm," I retorted, before Fin or Olivia could say anything. "I need to talk to you guys."
"What could you possibly want to talk to us about?" Olivia asked in reply. "Thought you had this under control."
"Yeah, well, you thought wrong," I snapped, "I don't. But if you don't want to listen, then I can go right back into the interview room and you can forget I even said anything."
"Wait a minute," said Fin. "No one told you to go anywhere, so calm down. What did you want to talk to us about?"
"This case," I admitted, almost inaudibly. "I…we..." I cut myself off there and swallowed, almost nervously before continuing reluctantly. "We need your help."
Dead silence met this statement, and I waited. None of them said anything. Instead, they stared at me like I had a few screws loose. Apparently, coming to them for help after having them pulled at the beginning was too much to ask. Oddly enough, it hurt more than it had the night I'd told them they were being taken off the case. Kay had been wrong; SVU was a lot different than Homicide. At least there was somewhat of a family element when I was still one of the murder police; here, however...I didn't want to think about it.
"You know what, never mind," I said finally. "Just forget I said anything, huh?" I turned to leave the squad room, to head up to the precinct rooftop like all of us had done at one point or another. The envelopes fell from my hands as I did, but even if I'd noticed, I probably wouldn't have cared.
The cold air hit me as soon as I pushed the rooftop access door open again; above me, clouds had filled the sky for what seemed like the millionth time since this had all begun. It looked like it was going to rain, and I hadn't brought a coat up with me, but I could have cared less. It was starting to get to the point where I didn't care about much of anything anymore.
"What do you want from me?" I demanded suddenly, glaring up at the sky as raindrops started to fall. "Haven't I been through enough already?"
Even before the last word left my mouth, I knew that what I was saying was completely selfish. I hadn't really been through anything, and yet here I was, standing on the rooftop, acting like I was the victim, when there were twelve girls for whom justice had not yet been served, and eight for whom justice was still, hopefully, to come. The rain started to pick up, but I remained where I was. No answer came, not that I expected one. I turned and stared down at the city below me, watching the people pass me by. It seemed ironic, almost, as if the people were frightened by what was happening and yet unafraid to let their children roam the streets, with or without them. I must have counted more than twenty kids down there on their own before I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to find that Fin had come up after me.
"What do you want?" I asked. "I told you to forget it."
"That ain't how it works," he replied. "You asked for help, and you're going to get it, whether you like it or not."
"That makes one of you," I said. "I still don't see why Elliot and Olivia can't get the hell over the fact that I had them pulled."
"You know, it took me a while to get over it too," Fin admitted, looking me dead in the eye. "Figured it wasn't worth my time to sit there and get pissed off at you for it."
"Yeah, well, maybe you should just stick with them," I remarked, motioning down to the squad room. "I highly doubt Cragen wants the four of us at each other's throats again."
"You're my partner. What makes you think I'm going to sit there and let you take this alone when you just asked for help?"
"I changed my mind. We don't need it. Why don't you just go back into the squad room and leave me the hell alone?"
"What are the odds that you'll do something stupid if I do?" Startled by the question, I stared at him for a long while without saying anything.
"Don't act like you didn't hear me," Fin said finally. "This ain't something you can just ignore."
I was half-tempted at this point to tell him that he'd be surprised at the things I could convince myself to ignore, but I didn't. Instead, I turned back to face the city.
"I don't want to talk about it, all right?" I said. "Just let it drop."
"No," came the reply, and I was suddenly strongly reminded that my partner was as stubborn as I was, if not more, as he continued. "I'm not going to let it drop. Answer the question."
"I don't know, Fin!" I exclaimed, turning back to glare at him. "Why do you even give a damn? Last thing you said to me before this mess got started was that I 'got on your damn nerves'. Why would it matter to you whether or not I was dead?"
"I've already lost one partner," Fin retorted, "I'm not looking to lose another one. You might get on my nerves, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you."
Well. That was certainly something. I had always been under the impression that the only reason Fin really tolerated me was because we'd been 'forced' to work together. But I realized then as I looked him in the eye that he'd probably been watching me ever since this case began, just to make sure nothing happened to me, whether by my own hand or someone else's.
"How long have you been keeping an eye on me?" I asked, finally breaking the silence that had fallen.
"Since you asked for us to be pulled," Fin admitted. "Cragen called me into his office when I went back to the squad room; told me to watch you, make sure nothing happened."
"And you agreed of your own volition?" I asked, looking at him over my glasses. He sighed and moved so that he was leaning back against the guardrail, looking back at me.
"Yeah," he said, "I did." Silence fell again. The sounds of the city drifted up towards us, and what seemed like forever passed before he spoke again.
"I talked to Detective Howard," he said, "She told me…told me the guy you all brought in the other day was the one who shot you."
"He was," I said, "Or so Kay tells me. I never saw him; neither did Meldrick. Neither one of us remember anything from that day."
"What do you remember?" Fin asked. I turned to stare down at the city, to find something to concentrate on so I wouldn't lose my nerve and stop talking.
"Nothing, really," I said. "I didn't see anything…Walker shot us from behind. I remember feeling this sharp pain in my back, but that's it. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in the hospital with Kay and Lieutenant Giardello standing over me. We'd lost our guy."
"But you went back," said Fin. "You can't tell me the department didn't at least offer you a transfer out of Homicide."
"They did," I said. "I wouldn't take it. Meldrick wouldn't, either. We come back after getting medically cleared, two weeks later, Kay nails our guy again. She talks Gee into letting Meldrick and me handle the interrogation…we beat a confession out of him."
"And it got thrown out in court," said Fin. I nodded wordlessly, not trusting myself to say anymore than I already had, especially since I'd already told him this once before. The rain continued to fall in steady sheets; both of us were soaking now, but neither of us moved, and finally, I went on.
"They say no one ever forgets the first case they work," I said wryly. "Twenty-four years, and I'm still trying."
"How many murders were there?" Fin asked, and I sighed, still staring down at the sidewalks.
"Twelve," I said, almost inaudibly. "There were twelve of them. The youngest...wasn't even a year old."
"What made you decide you need us back on this?" Fin asked. "You wouldn't have said anything if you didn't need us."
"There have been eight murders," I said. "Eight. It's been two months, and we have next to nothing. I'm not asking you guys for help, I'm begging you."
No answer came, not that I'd really expected one. Fin probably knew better than anyone else how stubborn I could be when I wanted to, and now here I was, quite literally, begging him and the other two to take this case up again. It was a long shot, and I knew it, but I no longer had any other choice.
"You really are serious, aren't you?" Fin asked, and I sighed.
"Yeah," I said, "I am. This case…" I paused and closed my eyes, gripping the guardrail so hard that my knuckles turned white before continuing. "When I landed this in '82, we thought it was just a one-time thing…and then another girl was murdered, and then another….the whole shift was on it by the time Meldrick and I got shot. It wasn't something that two or three detectives could do on their own."
"What made you think this time was different?" Fin asked.
"I don't know," I admitted. "I tried convincing myself it wasn't the same guy, but then there was a note with the second body…"
"What note?" Fin asked, and I looked at him, sighing again.
"There have been notes with every body," I said heavily. "There are ten so far. Every time there's an odd numbered body, there are two notes."
"The others know about them?" Fin asked. I nodded.
"Sometimes I found them, sometimes they found them. Casey came in and told us that Walker's attorney was looking to have the charges dropped because we didn't have any direct evidence linking him to the crimes, so we told her about them." I said.
"She told you to tell the rest of us about them, didn't she?" Fin asked. I nodded again.
"Abby said the same thing," I replied. "Basically what they said is that since this technically isn't Baltimore's problem, this unit needed to know about the notes so the defense couldn't screw us over."
"Were you planning on listening to them or were you just gonna blow them off?" Fin asked. I gave him a look.
"I would have said something back in the squad room if Elliot and Olivia could have managed to let go of whatever problems they currently have with me." I said. "I don't even have them with me; I think I dropped them in the squad room."
"Leave 'em there, then," said Fin. "We're going to have to know about them anyways. But do you mind letting me know what's in them?"
"Taunts," I said. "Comments about how there's the blood of twenty girls on my hands…one of the notes re-opened Bayliss' first red-ball….that's pretty much it."
"Nothing that might get them thrown out when this goes to court?" Fin asked.
"If this goes to court, you mean," I said. "And no, there's nothing that could get them thrown out…at least, not that I'm aware of."
"Then you should be fine this time," said Fin. "I'm no lawyer, but if there's nothing to get them thrown out…" I offered up a faint smile and glanced at my watch to find that it was nearing 11:30 at night.
"We should probably go back inside," I said. "The rate we're going, we're probably going to wake up with a cold tomorrow morning." I turned and moved towards the rooftop access door, pulling it open and walking inside. He followed and the door echoed behind us as it slammed closed. Neither of us said anything on our way back to the squad room; when we got there, he went to his desk, and I headed back towards the interview room.
"I was wondering where you'd gotten off to," Abby remarked, looking up at me and yawning, covering her mouth with her hand. "I was about to come after you."
"I'm sure," I said. "Tim and Kay come back yet?" Abby nodded.
"Sent 'em to the hotel to get some sleep; God only knows they could use it. I'm about to head over there myself."
"You want me to take you?" I asked. "It's raining pretty hard out there." She gave me an appraising look and laughed.
"Yeah, I can tell," she said. "God, John, whatever happened to umbrellas?"
"I'd have taken one with me if I'd expected to get poured on," I replied, "Do you want me to take you or not?"
"That'd be nice." She closed the file in front of her and reached for her coat before rising to her feet. "You should probably head home yourself."
"And here I was thinking I'd be able to go through these files again," I said as we left the interview room. She smirked.
"Rose will have my head, and so will Rowan," she said, "And you know it, so do me a favor and just go home, huh?"
"All right," I said, "All right. I'll go home." I pushed the precinct doors open and we stepped out into the rain; Abby stopped in her tracks and looked up at me for a long while before speaking.
"You sure you're ok?" she asked. I nodded.
"I'm fine," I said. "Let's just go, all right?" She nodded and said nothing; about twenty minutes later, I was dropping her off in front of the hotel she and the other two had been staying at.
"I'd better not hear about you going out and getting drunk tonight," she told me bluntly as she headed inside. "Go home."
"There isn't anywhere I'd rather be," I replied dryly. She gave me a look.
"I mean it," she said. "Go home, go to sleep, and if I see you here before ten tomorrow morning, I'm gonna have to smack you."
"You sound like Rose," I said mildly, "Go inside, Abby, you'll get yourself sick."
"Promise me you'll go straight home," came the reply, and I sighed.
"I promise," I said. "You happy?"
"No." Abby grinned and turned away from me to head inside before turning to call over her shoulder. "You'd better not show up before ten."
"Trust me," I said, "I won't." She disappeared inside and I waited until I could no longer see her before leaving to head for home, like she'd just made me promise. I couldn't help but seriously consider breaking said promise. There wasn't anyone home to tell the difference, anyway.
My cell phone rang right asI reached my apartment building; I flipped it open and Abby's voice came floating towards me.
"You'd better be somewhere near home," she told me.
"Thought you were going to sleep," I replied.
"Yeah, well, if you're not going to keep an eye on yourself, who will?" said Abby. "You're on your way home, right?"
"I'm actually about to walk inside," I said. "Just go to sleep already. I'll see you in the morning."
"Fine." said Abby. "'Night." She hung up before I could reply; I closed the cell phone and stowed it back into my pocket before pulling out my keys, unlocking the door and walking inside. All of the lights were off. I didn't bother turning any of them on as I made my way back towards the bedroom; it wasn't as if I didn't already know the place by heart. I didn't bother with changing, either. Instead I kicked off my shoes and loosened my tie before falling backwards onto the bed.
Shadows danced on the ceiling above me, made slightly blurry by the rain that was falling and the fact that I'd taken my glasses off. I resigned myself then, to watching them, until I finally managed to make myself fall asleep.