Wolf- The song intercept that Akuma sings in this chapter belongs to Nirvana. You should all know it! "Smells Like Teen Spirit".
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Gravi. I own some manga, but that's it. I want to own the DVDs, but alas.
--
My Immortal
I'm so tired of being here...
Suppressed by all my
Childish fears
The next time I met him was the Sakura Festival in the city. I had to go by myself because Cousin Tohma was very busy. Cousin Tohma is always real busy because he's a famous musician and all! Except he's quitting... for me. After all of that mess with my foster parents, it's the least he could do. I feel guilty, but feeling sorry for myself overpowers it sometimes. That feeds my guilt.
I suppose that isn't healthy, but my parents died and my foster parents were... let's just say they were. That gives me a little bit of an excuse to wallow in my guilt.
The pink flowers on the sakura trees are very beautiful. At the festival, everyone was laughing so happily and running around. People were selling food and there were games, and a parade was going to be going on soon. It was all very fun.
"You again, kid?" His voice was unreadable to me. Tilting my head, my dark hair spilled over my shoulders as I looked at him.
"Yeah, it's me," I said to him quietly. I didn't know much about him other than the fact that he was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. There was something about him, some quality, that I admired. He didn't act this way on purpose, but I think his very darkness was what drew me to him.
--
"You're Tenshi," Hiro's voice was stunned into montone. Suguru swallowed convulsively and began to toy with one of his necklaces.
"I didn't want to tell anyone," he whispered, looking at the ground with shaded russet eyes. "I didn't want anyone to know. He... he didn't want me to tell anyone. I wanted to honor that."
Tatsuha's eyes narrowed. "Who didn't want you to tell anyone?" he asked with something in his voice that wasn't readable. Suguru bit his lip.
"He didn't want me to tell... No one was supposed to know my name. I was his angel, he was the fallen. When I told him we were both fallen, he didn't understand completely. Then I explained... he got it. He started to care more after that, stopped being..."
Noriko crossed over to him sharply and hugged him tightly. "You don't have to tell them, Suguru. This isn't their business. You're not part of Bad Luck anymore." He hugged her back for a moment then pulled away.
Darkness... void and cold. I can't do this. Not again. Not again. Not again. Not again...
--
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
"Seti, why do you even bother with me?" I asked one day. We were in the park this time. He had given into fate and started talking to me after the Sakura Festival. He was leaning back against the tree with those dragon green eyes closed, smoking. I was flat out against the grass, smiling up at the sun.
He looked at me with heavy lidded eyes as the smoke surrounded him. "You're a cute kid, and you put up a decent conversation."
I twisted around and smiled at him. "Thanks, Seti." He was complimenting me in his own way, he really was, and I knew it. I was always so sure I knew what he meant. Half the time I was right, but the other half of the time was turbulant.
He snorted, but he didn't say anything. I had closed my eyes, head turned towards the sky again, so I didn't see his gentle smile.
"Tell me, Fujisaki, why do you bother with me?" he asked me, stubbing out the cigarette on one of his palms. The hiss and the sickeningly sweet smell of burning flesh filled the air. I turned towards him again, looking at him through fluffy bangs.
"Because, Akuma," I said to him softly. "You're not like anybody else." Scooting over to him, I brushed my hand against one of his cheeks shyly. "You're... darker. Like a fallen angel." 'And it isn't an act. It doesn't make me sick to look at you. ...I don't want to cry when I see you.'
He grunted and shoved me away. It hurt me, caused this heavy feeling in my chest that made me want to cry, but I ignored it. He was my friend; simple enough. No matter what he did, I would stand beside him.
Cousin Tohma didn't like him. I'll never understand why.
--
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
"Suguru?" Shuichi's voice was panicked as he shook Suguru's shoulder. He had been silent for too long, unresponsive for too long.
Noriko sighed. "He gets like this when he's overwhelmed. Give him a minute," she said. She hugged Suguru again, her lavender hair falling in his face in a soft fall.
STOP!
Suguru shook himself abruptly, a hard look entering his eyes, turning them to hard black obsidians. "Sorry," he told them. "I must have lost myself in my thoughts for a moment." A brisk had was rushed through his long hair.
"Yes, I'm Tenshi, all that's left of Fallen Angel. I didn't just turn seventeen, I just turned fifteen. I've been Tenshi since I was twelve. Now, if you'll excuse me..." He flashed Shuichi a deceptively sweet smile and shrugged the pink-haired teen off sharply. "...I have a record to get out."
He smiled that saccharine smile again, exactly like his cousin's, and pushed his way back out the door. He stumbled into his apartment some time later with his eyes dry. He immediately went to the keyboard, fingers tracing over the familiar words: FALLEN ANGEL.
Fishing out a paper, he began to write, finally letting his tears stain the page with their bitterness. Then he played.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have...
All of me
--
It was a year after I met him that we came up with the idea to try to sing together. My voice rose so clear and innocent, just after puberty had hit. He loved hearing me sing, used to give me one of those rare smiles while I did it. I don't think he realized.
I was twelve and he was fifteen when I showed him what Cousin Tohma had been teaching me on the keyboard and synthesizer. His mother had used to give him lessons on their old piano before her cough had gotten so bad and she had gotten so weak. She could hardly leave the bed anymore. And we dueled, just for fun, just to laugh with each other.
"With the lights out, it's less dangerous! Here we are now-- entertain us! I feel stupid, and contagious! Here we are now-- entertain us!"
It started when we were just having fun. I was laughing every two seconds, and we sang a song from one of those American CDs that Ryuichi kept bringing back. It was something we loved doing every time we were together.
We had been singing the song on pure voice alone, but I finished up with my own intricate keyboarding. From the door, Tohma was stunned.
"You guys sound good," he said, as if surprised. I smiled at him sunnily. "Thank you, Cousin Tohma!"
He smiled at me, an unvoluntarily response to my happiness. I was always happy around that time, because it hadn't gotten so stressful yet.
"You know, I could get you a contract." The look in his eyes was enterprising. He had just started his production business, and already he was hooking people in. He knew how. His innocent look was compelling for a twenty-seven year old.
"You could?"
My eyes were so wide, and Akuma was tense in not wanting to get his hopes up. Tohma knew he could market a two young fallen angels. I never have blamed him, because what happened after was Akuma Seti's decision. Not Tohma's.
Tohma nodded.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
--
Two weeks later, Lilith was released. All those days, Children of Lilith was playing over and over again. The only relief was to Suguru was that they weren't playing Freaky Friday. If they did, he'd probably be freezing up everytime he walked into a store.
"I kinda miss them," Suguru whispered to the water of the fountain in the park. He touched the cool water with a sad, wistful smile. Looking into the reflective surface, he thought he caught a glimpse of a familiar face behind him. When he turned with a jolt, there was nothing. He shrugged, then stood. He couldn't mope forever at the loss of his friendship with the Bad Luck crew. He needed to consult Sakano so he could interview his new agent, but that could wait. He just wanted to walk for a while.
Leaving the park for downtown, he walked through the commons with ease. He enjoyed the people that were around him, their diversity. He just watched.
"Suguru?"
Brown eyes flashed upwards to the face of Nakano Hiroshi. The auburn hair was all flung about as it often was, and he looked hesitant, but not angry. Searching his face, Suguru saw there was no resentment in it. None.
"C'mon." Hiro pulled him into a café easily and that began their long talk.
Your face, it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
--
It was getting to him, while our first CD was coming out, but it was even worse afterwards. There was so much publicity that had to go on, and he was getting steadily more possessive of my time. Our first kiss was rough, him desperately trying to claim me. I wanted it more than anything; more than air, more than life.
We just embraced. I loved being with him. I loved... him. I love him still, and I always will. He became abusive when I went out for too long, if I talked to other people. It was the stress. We were too young for all of this push and shove.
And I still loved him.
--
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can't erase
"I wouldn't hate you because you kept something from me, Suguru."
Suguru shrugged, looking down for a moment before he came back with the familiar enterprising smile on your face. "After all, who else would help you with your love life?" he said, laughing. He tilted his head when Hiroshi laughed, not embarrassed in the least.
"Right, Fujisaski-san! Who else would have listened to me whine about Shuichi, after all?"
Suguru made a face. "Your friends. It's not that hard to figure it out. Everyone but Shuichi knows, and that includes our beloved Uesugi Eiri."
"You just don't get that you're our friend, do you." His voice was affirmative, no question being asked.
Suguru didn't say anything, just letting his eyes sparkle for a moment with a humor that was directed at himself. "I know that you're my friends. It's just hard to understand that you might put up with all my shit and not think it's too much work."
Hiro might have said something else, but Suguru was no longer paying attention. It just didn't seem to matter. He continued to talk to Hiro, but his mind was clearly elsewhere.
"Hiro, I gotta go," he said suddenly, standing up and throwing a few bucks down on the table. "I'll see you later."
Hiro was left staring after his friend with narrowed eyes.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have...
All of me
--
It had become too much. It had come to hurt far too much. I could barely stand it anymore, despite the fact that after I told him about my past he was more gentle than me. Everything was just building up to be too much around me.
I love him with all of my heart, but it was hard to be around him and to remember everything, all our history. I didn't want to force him to be around me when I was like this, and it hurt too much for me to stay.
There was a warehouse that we used to like to play our music in. It was broken down, but the structure of it was still pretty safe. It had broken windows and pipes, and the plaster on the walls was cracked.
To this day there are scars on my wrists, wrist to elbow, cut straight along the vein. I didn't do it right, though. I was too afraid that I might live and might not be able to play the keyboard correctly if I pressed too hard. I'll never know how Seti found me, but he did. He thought I was dying. And he didn't want to live without me.
Tohma had put a tracker on me and had called an ambulance. I was saved. I never saw Akuma again.
It's my fault he's dead. He died for me and I stubbornly lived. It's all my fault. I wonder if he blames me. I wonder if he wants me to be in the afterlife with him. I wonder if he misses me.
I've tried to hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
All I'll ever be able to do is wonder now. I'll never be able to forget this. I'll never be able to see him again. When every night a scream rises in my throat, I'll bite it down. And I won't let tears streak down. Cousin Tohma thinks I'm traumatized. I think that I'm just barely sane, and I'm proud of that. At least I still have a little bit of sanity left. That's more than some people get.
...gods, I'm being so melodramatic.
--
Wolf- I am SO SO SO sorry it took so long to get this out! I was figuring out some stuff pertaining to the chapters, and I'm really busy. We moved and bunch of other stuff!
Tenshi- Read and review.
Wings- Any reviews. She's really desperate to know she hasn't lost her reviewers.