---
Carefully adjusting the forks and wiping an imaginary speck of dirt off the table, Sam realised she was ready. There was nothing left to do. Nothing except for waiting, that was.
Smoothing her sweaty hands over her trousers, Sam stood back and surveyed her work. It looked pretty darn good, actually. The plates were all symmetrical, the forks and knives lined up… Even the food smelt good. She'd just shoved a macaroni and cheese frozen meal in the oven and turned it on, and put some potatoes on to boil for some mash. Not the best meal ever, but Sam was pretty sure Cassie like Macaroni and Cheese.
So did the Colonel, but that wasn't the point.
She wished they'd hurry up and arrive.
She wished they'd never arrive.
She wished they'd hurry up and arrive.
Grinding her teeth in pure nervousness, Sam moved out of the kitchen and into the lounge room. She hadn't been in here yet, she realised, and she was surprised by what she saw.
Photos. Lots of photos, just the way she liked it. Of the Colonel, his wife and Cassie.
Crossing over to the mantelpiece, she carefully picked one up and studied it. Obviously taken not long after they'd gotten married, she deduced, judging by the way their hands were all over one another. The next photo had Cassie in it as well; her hair still long and curly the way it was when she'd first arrived from Hanka. There were shadows and uncertainties in her eyes.
Gingerly Sam stroked a finger down Cassie's cheek.
Was this what she'd missed out on? Was this what her life choices had stolen from her?
If she hadn't joined the military, would her world still be around? Would she have been married to the Colonel? Would she have died?
She felt guilty that she was alive and not the real Sam of this universe. Sam couldn't remember ever being or looking as happy as the woman in the photograph. Sam would have given anything to be that happy.
Maybe…maybe one day she'd find that happiness. But it was looking doubtful.
Outside she heard a car door slam, and her heart rate increased tenfold.
Here. They were here. Shit.
Brushing her hair back smoothly behind her ears and straightening her shirt for the umpteenth time, Sam slowly headed towards the front door. With an ominous creak it swung open and revealed one thin, lanky adolescent standing uncertainly next to the Colonel.
Cassie.
Sam hesitated, her eyes flicking desperately up the Colonel's for help; what was she supposed to do?
An inarticulate sound escaped from the girl's throat, and the next minute Sam was holding the crying child close against her, their tears mingling as Cassie's hot breath washed against her neck and her tears burnt on Sam's skin.
"Mom… God… Mom…"
"Shh… it's okay, Cassie, I'm here… I'm here sweetie… I'm here…"
She rocked Cassie against her, running her fingers over the long hair and stroking the emotionally heated skin with gentle fingers.
"Don't leave again!" Cassie gasped, her fingers digging into Sam's shoulders.
"I won't. I promise, I won't." The words were rough and awkward, catching in her throat and grating against her heart.
She looked up, over Cassandra's shoulder to let her eyes rest on the Colonel. His eyes were masked and his jaw clenched tightly.
He was hurting. He was really hurting.
Catching his eyes on her, he grimaced and staggered drunkenly into the kitchen, his footsteps sounding loudly on the wooden floorboards.
"Where did you go?" Cassie whispered eventually, not making any move to let go of Sam.
"I can't tell you that," Sam whispered, burying her head in Cassie's hair.
"The Stargate?" Cassie guessed quietly. Sam didn't answer, and she knew that Cassandra would take her silence as assent. "When did you get home?"
Sam hesitated. "I was cleared to leave the base yesterday afternoon."
Cassie pulled back, studying Sam. "You were hurt."
Sam allowed a wan smile. "Yes. But I'm okay."
Gently Cassie traced her finger over the new, pink skin healing where a cut had been on Sam's forehead. "You're okay."
"Yes, I am." She pressed a kiss against Cassie's forehead. "And I'm sorry."
Sorry for lying. Sorry for not being your mother. Sorry for doing this to the Colonel.
Cassie smiled tiredly and rested her head against Sam's shoulder.
"I got some macaroni out for you," Sam said softly.
"I'm not hungry," Cassie shrugged, and Sam could feel her eyelids flutter closed on Sam's neck. "I… Can I sleep with you tonight?"
"Sure…" Sam's eyes widened. Sleeping. Where was she going to sleep now? "But first I need to give your Dad some food."
"I'll go and put my pajama's on," Cassie agreed, reluctantly letting go of Sam. She stood and studied her for a minute and then smiled hesitantly. "I missed you."
"I missed you too."
Cassie smiled again and turned to walk up the stairs.
Sam closed her eyes. Missed you too. She missed everyone. Daniel, Teal'c, the Colonel, Janet… Cassandra…
Swallowing, she forced herself to walk into the kitchen where the Colonel was waiting for her.
---
They sat awkwardly at the table, picking at the now lukewarm food on their plates. The silence was even more strained than it had been before Cassie came home.
Home. Was this her home now?
With a start, Sam realised it was.
"You want some more, sir?" she asked eventually, putting her fork down quietly on the plate and pushing it away. She really wasn't hungry.
He shook his head, mirroring her actions and pushing away his half uneaten plate of food. She didn't blame him; frozen food wasn't that great and her cooking was certainly not spectacular.
"You have to stop calling me that," he said softly, standing up from the table.
"Sorry, Jack." It felt strange and unnatural, the word foreign on her tongue.
He nodded absently before grabbing two beers out of the fridge. "Here."
She wasn't a big drinker; never had been, and she never mixed alcohol with medication. This time, though, she ignored the cocktail of drugs she swallowed every morning by orders of one firm Dr. Fraiser and readily accepted the cold bottle offered to her.
She needed a drink. Hell, she needed a vat of the stuff to try and understand what had happened to her.
"Where am I sleeping?" she asked after taking a generous swallow and placing the bottle on the table between her hands. She watched as the air condensed and beaded on the dark glass before dripping slowly onto the table. She wiped at the water, preventing a watermark from forming as she took another swallow.
He gazed at her, obviously not having thought about the answer to the question.
"I…"
"I'll go share with Cassie, tonight," Sam interrupted, taking another quick swig.
"No, there's no need-"
"She wants too. I think… I think she wants me near." It felt so traitorous and false of her to say that. She wasn't the person Cassie wanted; Cassie wanted her mother, and Sam wasn't her mother.
He nodded. "She'll be in our bed then."
Our bed. She gazed at him sharply, and he flushed awkwardly before hiding his discomfort in another swallow of beer.
"Are you… are you okay with this?" she asked slowly, letting her eyes rest on the table top again where another water ring was forming. This time she didn't bother wiping it away.
He snorted. "Okay with this? What are you, nuts? Of course I'm not okay with this."
She flinched at his tirade, but she didn't argue.
"For fuck's sake, this is my life we're talking about. Mine and Cassie's. I just got over her – you – whatever, and now this!"
He slammed the bottle down on the table and stormed to his feet. And then halted mid-stride to the door, his face a picture of shock. "Cass!"
Sam spun around in her chair to see Cassie standing in the doorway, her face confused and pale as she gazed at the two adults.
"Why are you fighting?" she whispered.
"I…we're…" the Colonel stuttered.
Cassie wiped furiously at her eyes. "Please, don't fight. Mom…"
Sam cringed at the plaintive voice, before standing up. This was going to kill her. And him.
Hesitantly she placed a hand on the Colonel's arm, her fingers trembling as they rested on his warm skin. He tensed up, tighter than the springs on a trampoline. He didn't move.
"We're just tired, Cassie," Sam lied gently, standing as still a post next to him. "I… it's been tough doing this, and we're just… we're just…"
"Promise?" Cassie whispered.
Sam nodded mutely.
"Dad?"
He must have nodded.
"So you still love each other?"
Her mouth felt like it had just crashed onto the tiled floor. "I…"
"Cassie, I love Sam. I always have, and I always will," he said smoothly. A save. A wonderful save by Colonel Jack O'Neill.
"Mom?"
What was this, twenty questions? "The feelings are mutual, Cassie." Sam had never hated herself more than she did at that moment.
Still unsure, Cassie nodded and turned away.
Sighing, Sam let her hand slip from his arm. He caught her hand and pulled her against him, his breath tickling her neck as he buried his face against her. "Don't move," he ordered huskily.
She swallowed, trying to ignore the feelings suddenly evoked by his nearness. "Why?"
"She'll be back in a second. We always did this after we argued, and she'd always check to make sure it was okay. Always."
She understood that; she'd done the same as a child. Spied on her parents to make sure they made up. And making up usually involved a kiss.
Oh shit.
"I'm… I'm going to apologise for this in advance," he whispered as his mouth moved higher towards her lips. Silently her lips parted and she nodded nervously.
His lips were dry and cool against hers, the contact brief and fleeting. It felt horribly awkward and uncomfortable, and Sam was starkly reminded of why she would never have considered a career as an actress.
"Relax," he whispered against her lips, brushing a kiss along her cheek before finding her lips again.
She tried to relax; tried very hard to focus on the feel of his lips against hers and his skin beneath her fingertips, but she felt like wood in his arms. He tasted like beer and coffee and smelt like leather and spice, and something inside her started to panic.
He shouldn't be kissing her. She shouldn't be kissing him. It was wrong, wrong wrong!
She struggled briefly against him, trying to wriggle away, but his hands trapped her against him, holding her head still and keeping her body close.
Movement at the corner of her eye alerted her to Cassie's presence, and she stilled in the Colonel's embrace, forcing herself to relax. His fingers dug into her, urging her to play along.
Tentatively, awkwardly, she kissed him back, ignoring the hundreds of warnings that sounded as she pressed her lips against his and rested a palm lightly against his cheek. And as she kissed him back, she started to relax, tasting him and breathing him in like perfume.
Somewhere along the line her eyes fluttered closed and she leant into him, her hands tangling in his hair as her arms wrapped around his shoulders. Some time their lips had parted and the kiss had gotten deeper, his hands running along her back and-
Abruptly he pulled away, and she stared at him, stunned. What the hell was that?
He swallowed. "You're not her," he whispered. "You're really not her."
She blinked. "No. I'm not."
Closing his eyes he stepped back from her, running a hand through the hair she'd messed up. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
She licked her lips, still tasting him. "I know. Me too."
Cassie wasn't in her room, or the spare room Sam had slept in the previous night. Gingerly Sam opened the last bedroom door, the one she knew was the Colonel's room, and peeked inside.
Sure enough, Cassie was lying curled up on the bed, her eyes red and puffy.
"What's wrong?" Sam asked as she sat down on the bed next to Cassie and touched her shoulder hesitantly.
"I… I don't know," Cassie admitted, curling up against Sam like a cat. "I just…I thought you were gone."
"I know."
"You could have told me, Mom."
"No, Cassie, I couldn't tell you."
"You told Dad."
She hesitated. "Cassie… I didn't tell him. He's not stupid and he was on base…" She didn't even know how her counterpart had died. She really should read that damn folder. But she felt like a voyeur, a fake when she even contemplated trying to use someone else's memories as her own.
Sighing, Cassie closed her eyes. "I'm tired, Mom. I'm so tired."
"I know, sweetie. So am I." Dropping a kiss on Cassie's head, Sam rose slowly to her feet.
"He kept all your clothes," Cassie said suddenly.
"I know."
And how she wanted someone to love her as much as he loved Sam. Someone who would love her enough to refuse to let her go, even in death.
The door opened slowly, and he stood there gazing at them, his eyes unreadable. "You going to bed?" he asked slowly, licking his lips uncertainly.
She nodded, eyeing him warily.
Silently he crossed over and pulled open a drawer, hesitating before turning to face her with a pair of flannelettes in his hands. "Here."
"Thanks…Jack," she murmured, shooting him a grateful look. At least someone knew where her clothes were kept.
He disappeared into the en suite, and she changed quickly, neatly bundling up her clothes and dumping them in the washing hamper behind the door. Picking up a brush and quickly running it through her hair, she waited for him to finish in the bathroom.
"You cut your hair."
She nodded. "I had to. The witness protection…" The web was being spun, bigger and bigger…
"I like it short."
She smiled slightly before turning to face Cassie. "So I should keep it this length?"
Cassie nodded silently, and Sam felt relief. It was small and insignificant, but if she kept her hair this way, this style, it would help her remember who she really was. Not that she didn't want to become a part of this world, but she didn't want to become someone else. Not completely. The hair would remind her.
He finished in the bathroom, looking at her. "I put a new toothbrush on the vanity for you," he said, appearing generous.
"Thanks, Jack." It was becoming easier and easier to say his name.
He nodded, and she went to brush her teeth, remembering she'd better move the toothbrush in the spare bathroom before Cassie saw it and got curious.
Rinsing out her mouth and drying her face, Sam stared into the mirror.
She looked tired. Tired and haunted, as though there was something drastically wrong.
There was something drastically wrong; but she'd learn to live with it. To deal with it.
"Mom?" Cassie called through the door.
"Coming Cass."
Cassie was curled up against Jack, watching as Sam exited the bathroom. Uncertainly, Sam padded across the floor and hesitated at the bed.
"Mom?"
She got in quickly, her cheeks flaming. Cassie clutched at her arm, pulling closer under the blankets and sheets. She nearly yelped as his hand rested on her hip, but his eyes were controlled and guarded.
Normalcy. They were striving to maintain normalcy.
Settling down, Sam tucked an arm between the Colonel and Cassie, cushioning her face on her elbow.
The last thing she saw before he reached over her and flicked out the bedside light was him studying her with an unreadable expression in his eyes.
---
"Easy, easy!"
She flew upright in the bed, her chest heaving as she fought to get away from their hands. No… no!
"Sam!"
She blinked, jerking away from them and crashing heavily to the ground as her legs refused to untangle from the twisted sheets around her.
The room was filled with light and they loomed over her, staring down at her from their position on the bed.
She was crying, great, gasping sobs that tore through her whole body.
"Shhh…" His arms were comforting as he leant down and picked her up, pulling her back onto the bed and into his embrace.
"They're gone! All of them…. They're gone…"
"I know, I know," he soothed, pressing a kiss to her hot forehead.
"Mom?"
"It's a nightmare Sam, that's all, a nightmare."
She shuddered against him, her fingers digging into his skin as he held her and rocked her. She could feel Cassie's hands on her back, rubbing her shoulder and back while they tried to comfort her.
Nightmares. When would they stop?
Sniffing, she moved her hand and rubbed at her face, not making any effort to remove herself from his hold. Just this once, she thought, someone could hold her and make her feel safe again. Even if it wasn't real, it helped.
"Cassie, turn the light off," he said gently, his chest rumbling beneath her ear.
The room was plunged into darkness again, and she panicked, clutching at him.
"Easy…" he whispered. "It's okay, it was just a dream."
But it wasn't just a dream. It was a memory. It was a reality. Her reality. The reality she had left behind.
They settled down again silently, with her spooned against his chest and her head tucked beneath his chin. She could feel Cassie's warm body snuggling against her back; her tiny arms encircling Sam's waist and her breathing warm against Sam's neck.
Warm. Safe.
God she wished this was real.
---
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