Sean hadn't been back in Division for a while. Not that he didn't want to- he wanted to help his team of former rogues- he was just busy with the Seals and his sisters. By the time he returned, he had missed another mission that left the team hurting. He wished there was something he could've done in the aftermath to help. But short of a time machine or other fantastical things, not really. He could just talk to the team and try to make up for lost time. Maybe he could even lend some of his Navy resources to track Amanda.
After expressing that idea to Birkhoff and Ryan, though, Sean moved to another part of Division. He knew the two were capable of working on their own. Others needed his help, specifically Michael, who was sitting alone in Medical. He continued to struggle with his new prosthetic. He had thought recalibrating it again would help. Yet he couldn't consistently make a fist. It was even more frustrating than before, knowing he was so close to being the agent he needed to be. Barely walking into Medical, Sean could see that irritation clearly. He just hoped he could help alleviate that stress, "Hey. Sorry I haven't been around. How are you guys?"
"I'm fine. The prosthetic's nothing. Nikita, though…" Michael cut himself short. He shouldn't drag Sean into his problems. The Seal had plenty to deal with on his own; the fact that he had managed to carve out some time to be in Division was a miracle. Michael knew he shouldn't look so much at the negatives. He had a great new prosthetic- when it wasn't twitching. And he and Nikita were safe and sound. The fact that she wouldn't talk about anything serious or weighted wasn't anything to complain too much about. She'd come around eventually. He should just be grateful that she was alive and in his arms.
"Have you guys not talked much?" Sitting in a chair across from Michael, Sean caught onto what was occurring pretty quickly. Alex had mentioned that Nikita hadn't really talked since the miscarriage; she was just focused on what came next in Division. Sean could understand that. After tragedies, it was easier to focus on a mission you knew you could handle than heavy emotions that were too much to talk about. Although that was a good strategy for some, others continued to suffer. Without Nikita to talk to, Michael wasn't fairing as well. He couldn't focus on anything else with his uncontrolled emotions. He had to talk them out.
"I'm trying. She's just holding back. Something's going on in her head, but I can't figure it out," Sighing, Michael finally admitted. He let his prosthetic fall to his side and ignored it for the moment. Maybe if he took his mind off it for a while, he'd be able to consistently control it later. He doubted it. The same thing that had his mind and heart twisted up in knots was stopping him from being in complete control. Talking had more of a chance of 'fixing' him than anything else. Since he couldn't talk to Nikita, Sean was a good second choice.
For a moment, however, Sean didn't know what to say. He couldn't pretend to know what Michael and Nikita were going through. They had been so excited for their baby and the future that would bring, only for it to be ripped away. That was tough to come back from, especially with Dirty Thirties and Amanda still tormenting the world. The couple didn't get a moment to breathe. They could hardly process one tragedy before yet another. It didn't help that their friends didn't know what to do to comfort them. The best they could say were sincere yet awkward phrases, "I heard miscarriages lead to a lot of heavy emotions. It's tough to go through."
"I know. That's why I'm not pushing her too much. But, I don't know," Michael just shook his head. He knew Nikita was dealing with a lot. He knew she was carrying so much on her shoulders. That was why he wasn't pushing her to open up, despite desperately wanting to. She deserved to have a moment to adjust on her own. She had gone through the worst of the pain with the miscarriage. Whatever space and time she needed to get over that, he'd give her without problem. A part of him just wished that she would rely on him more for comfort. He was there for her; he wasn't going anyway. They could get through it together.
That was enough about Michael and Nikita, however. He wouldn't mind talking- venting- to Sean about his stress, frustrations, hurt, and lack of communication for a while. But that might open up a can of worms he wouldn't be prepared to close. So, Michael shifted focus. Sean had his own struggles that deserved to be addressed. No problems should be treated as lesser than. Just because it wasn't as dramatic, didn't mean it deserved less attention. They all had to get their heads on straight as the shit kept piling up, "How are you and Alex doing?"
"Insane schedules. We haven't really seen each other a lot. I know it's gonna be more of this when I deploy. But it's tough trying to juggle everything at once. I don't want anything to slip through the cracks," Sean deflated in his chair. He and Alex both knew what they were signing up for when they decided to try to live their lives and help their team in Division. He had wanted to only pick one side, but she was right to argue that they had to do both. They had to help everywhere they could. But the limitations of that were dangerously catching up to them. Being split into two different directions for long was going to tear them apart.
The two were surviving for the moment, yet who knew how long that would last. Sean had already not been there for the team. And Alex's blood pressure spiked slightly from the stress. They had to change how they were operating before more disastrous consequences caught up to them or their friends. Sean sighed at the thought. He wasn't sure how he and Alex would do anything differently. They hadn't put that much thought into things. In his defense, he thought it would all be different. He had always pictured his life with Alex to be far more picturesque, "This definitely wasn't what I imagined our life together to be like."
"House on the beach. Away from any wars. Just her and sunshine. And maybe a dog," Smiling wistfully, Michael tried to imagine the future he and Nikita had once spoken about. The picture had always been clear. Recently, a baby had even been added to the blissful image. Yet after the past few weeks, that future became blurry. It was farther away than it had ever been. Scratching things off a checklist wouldn't get them there; it wasn't as simple as taking out Amanda and Dirty Thirties and gaining pardons. Michael and Nikita had to claw their way there.
"And a family?" Sean asked cautiously. He knew Michael had wanted a family with Nikita. But recent events might've changed that. Sean didn't receive any sort of answer from Michael confirming or denying that. Instead of pushing, the Seal just moved the conversation forward. He was more certain about what he wanted from his and Alex's future, even if it seemed so distant at the moment. And even if it seemed like it might all slip away, "I know I want a family. But honestly, whatever makes Alex and I the happiest. We can live in fuck-cold Russia for all I care. As long as we're both safe and at peace."
Getting to his feet, Michael couldn't look at Sean. He was certain the Seal and his girlfriend could live happily ever after, just as he was certain he and his wife would. It was simply too difficult to achieve immediately. And hadn't they waited long enough for their lives to truly begin. Hadn't they always been waiting for just one more thing to end for far too long. They were never going to have everything they wanted. It was permanently up in the air, "Maybe fantasies just have to change."
"As long as this fucking war ends," Sean muttered harshly. He understood how Michael could feel so dejected. It was impossible to stay positive all the time; it was impossible to be positive at all with everything they faced. Their war, crusade, constant battles, it simply had to end. Once the fighting stopped, it'd all be okay. It wouldn't feel as though their hope and optimism was for nothing. At least, that was how Sean saw it with more of that dim hope he clung tightly to. A good thing had to happen to them eventually.
Alex wasn't expecting anyone else in the old training room. She had been shocked to discover that Division even had two different gyms; one was far more updated than the other, which led to more agents crowding the mat. The other, ignored one was left for private moments or attempts at solitude. Alex had gone there for the latter. Apparently, Nikita had had the same idea. She was already squared up against a punching bag, breathing heavily, when the young woman arrived. Instead of being surprised by the fact for long, Alex decided to lean into it. She could talk to Nikita without anyone overhearing or interrupting, "How are you feeling?"
"How's the double life?" Nikita instantly deflected. She hardly glanced at her best friend. She just pummeled the punching bag in front of her. She didn't know exactly how long she had been there, yet it was long enough for her thoughts to finally silence. That was a blessing. She had forgotten how great not thinking or feeling was. All she had to focus on was her breathing and her strikes on the bag. It was rhythmic and simple. She easily lost herself in it. Until Alex tried to ruin it with her questions.
"That's fair," Alex sighed. She didn't want to talk about her struggles and stress attempting to be both Alex and Alexandra, and Nikita didn't want to discuss the miscarriage. They had run to the isolated room for a reason. They should respect that. For a while, the young woman did, holding the punching bag for her best friend. But eventually, her curiosity and need to help her friend won over. The two needed to talk. It'd be difficult and uncomfortable, yet it had to happen. How else were they going to get better and beat their enemies, "What about Michael? How's his new prosthetic?"
"He's still adjusting to it, but things should be fine soon," Again, Nikita didn't look at Alex. She only struck the punching bag harder since someone was there to keep it steady. Well, the former rogue rationalized that was why she became more aggressive. She wouldn't entertain the idea that it had anything to do with the subject matter or whatever Alex was fishing for. Nikita was far more in control of her emotions than to snap so easily. She could stay calm. If she told herself that over and over again, then maybe it'd finally be true.
"For him, or for both of you?" Alex waited for clarification. She had the suspicion that Nikita was only talking about Michael- there was a possibility that she didn't believe she would be alright soon. Yet the young woman still asked. She wanted to know where exactly her best friend's head was. No one else appeared to know. They couldn't gauge her thoughts or emotions. The longer it went on, the more concerning it became. She was hiding herself from her team, burying herself in the next mission and the next attempt to end things for good.
Nikita finally stopped attacking the punching bag. She sighed hotly and tried to brush aside her wild hair that had fallen out of her ponytail. It probably would've been easier to answer Alex. She'd stop bothering her and would probably just let the whole thing lie. Yet Nikita didn't want to even broach the subject. The thoughts she had successfully ignored were becoming too loud again. She wanted them to be quiet; she needed them to be silent forever. The closest she could ever get to that was focusing on missions. Luckily, she had a new one, "Owen and I have a mission coming up. We should finally get some information on Amanda and Ari."
"Why is Owen going and not Michael?" Remaining in place, Alex wondered. She knew why Michael had stayed behind when Owen and Nikita went after Liam at the DEA warehouse. But he had better control of his prosthetic then. And, if they were only gathering intel, whether or not he could hold a gun shouldn't factor in. Michael was former Naval intelligence and a CIA analyst. He was perfect for intel gathering. Owen was really only useful for brute force operations. The change up didn't make sense, especially if the team was trying to gain the upperhand on Amanda and Ari.
"You and Sean are busy. And Michael… he did great running our mission against Liam, so I trust him watching our back on this," It wasn't the answer Alex wanted- it wasn't even close. Nikita was well aware of that. However, she refused to elaborate on her decision. She had her reasons, just like she did when she had Michael stay in Ops the week before. Then wasn't the time to mess with perfect formulas or change things up. But Division needed to start ending the war eventually. Maybe taking risks like that could be beneficial. Regardless, Nikita wouldn't deviate from her course, "Speaking of, I should probably start going."
Watching Nikita storm out of the training room, Alex fought the desire to chase after her. The former rogue would only throw up more walls and hide herself further if the young woman kept pushing then. However, Alex had to get Nikita to open up soon. She was going to self-destruct if someone didn't get through to her. Her best friend was beyond determined to do just that. She simply had to make the time to be in Division for a consistent period of time first. Though, that'd probably be the easy part, "I have to get my shit schedule in order."