Hello Peaople of the world yes this is a new writer Waves with a new fic, Yes maybe it does remind you of a corn-filled potato but who really cares! Anyways read enjoy try laugh by inhaling some laughing gas.
Disclaimer: Only the soul of James Potter belongs to me MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. But J.K Has the rest of the credit but I'll get it all ONE DAY!
Prolouge: Growing up.
(But a catcher title is)
The affects of books on Marauders
"Potter! What the HELL did you just do to that boy over there?"
It wasn't surprising to find Lily Evans's screaming at a particular bespectacled boy with a wad of messy hair that pointed out in all direction and to the ladies (except for Lily) was HOT STUFF. James Potter as usual had done something not only stupid but also something very extravagant and in this case he had turned a little cocky third grader into a one-eyed slug with a flower growing out of its… well… where-the-sun-don't-shine.
"He deserve it Lily!" said James while he eyed the slug in high suspicion as the seemed to glare very evilly at him crawling around in circles with what looked like extreme difficulty..
"HOW IN MERLIN'S NAME COULD A THIRD GRADER DESERVE THIS?"
James gave a tiny flinch while Lily's face turned redder and redder looking particularly angry at what he had down. He thought it was a masterpiece, Lily had always stood out for the crowd of him, she was not only the prettiest girl he had ever seen but she was also the smartest, funniest, independent girl he knew, not to mention she was plain sex appeal to him.
"He was checking you out Lils, if I hadn't turned him into this you would have had a third grader hand glued to your arse!" explained James, pointing at the slug which was once a boy, a twisted minded perverted corrupted kid which just showed how well his friend Sirius Black had corrupted the youth.
" I DON'T EFFING CARE IF HE WAS CHECKING ME OUT I CAN PROTECT MYSELF, YOUR …JAMES HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?"
James rolled his eyes the Lily rambles which had given him twice to many times.
"HE STARTED IT, He goes up to me and says 'what's that girls name with the red hair?' And I ask him why and then he said because your tosh was something sexy!"
Lily raised an eyebrow and she watched James explain his views to her.
"So then I turn him into a slug to prevent any arse touching or bum gazing from happening and besides it's a lesson to him to not hit on my girl!"
Lily glared at James in annoyed purification.
"James. I'm. Not. Your. Girl."
"Sure you are!" James smiled as if was just a tiny mistake that Lily had forgotten about. Lily just wanted to hit James.
"If I'm your girl then you fucked all the marauders!"
"EWWW!"
"Exactly, I'm not your girl!"
James gave, a furious Lily, a suggestive wink trying uselessly to be seductive and seduce her though anyone would see no point and a lot of pain in this procedure as the last time 'someone' tried to seduce Lily… well… lets just say the certain 'someone' he wasn't able to sit down on anything for three days.
"Do you want to be."
SLAP, like I said a lot of pain.
"POTTER why do you care someone's checking me out? You might as well as turn yourself into a slug with a flower for his nut!"
But James's eyes where looking down particularly close to Lily's curves eyeing it the whole time Lily was giving him a lecture about who knew what, Lily angrily crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently on the floor waiting for James to stop perving on her and probably having 'R' rated images of her in his head. James who was having sex fantasies just began drooling though unfortunately his best friend wasn't there with a bucket to catch it.
"POTTER I'd appreciate it if you'd stop looking at my body parts!'
James grinned sheepishly.
"Sorry Lils what where we having a lovely conversation about?"
Lily sighed angrily rubbing her temples.
"You're not making this any easier!" Yelled Lily while muttering Bloody Flowerpothead!
"It WOULD be easier if you'd go out with me!" James tilted his head in utmost ease waiting for a reply, he enjoyed taunting Lily evilly enough but inside his brain he was slapping himself hard enough that he could nearly feel it physically and then causing into exorcism of brain damage.
Lily snapped.
"JAMES POTTER get this into your head I WILL NOT GO OUT WITH YOU! I WOULDN'T GO IF YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH!"
James smiled cheekily. "What happens if I was the second last person on earth?"
Lily's temper bubbled to boiling point that steam was literally coming out of her ears and clogging the common room up like the heavy thick smog that was always in Tralawny's room when you entered it making you to cough and wheeze and have life long heart damage and Lung failures!
"I WILL NEVER GO OUT WITH YOU JAMES POTTER NOT EVER!" With that Lily turned around and stomped up the stairs; but James had a puzzling question in his mind that never could be left unattended otherwise he would take extreme suicidal measures to find the answer.
"WHY Lily?"
Lily spun around her flaming red hair twirling behind her shoulders something she did ever so gracefully.
"Why what?"
"Why not? Why won't you ever go out with me? What have I've done to you? I've never hurt you!" James blurted out quicker then a squirrel losing it's nuts. Lily looked at him in pure silence her eyes clouded up so no one could read her feelings but there wasn't the usual looks of sparks flying out of her eyes, zapping you if you touched it. James held his breathe. Lily sighed slightly.
"The question isn't why not James? It's why! Why do you ask me out continuously? Why is it me you stalk? Why do I only get visits from the 'lingerie fairy?"
James held back a smirk at the last comment true he did steal Lily's lingerie some time in his fifth year and whenever he did he would usually leave a note saying: The Lingerie Fairy. But he stopped in his sixth year when he decided he didn't want to sound like a freaky perverted obsessive molester after on of his dormitory mate (coughremuscough) found a hidden stash of PlayWitch magazines under his bed not to mention a fairy is usually a female and James didn't want to seem like some homosexual/gender confused person who was interested in lingerie.
"Why don't you just leave me alone after I tell you no?"
James could feel his heart jumping put of his mouth, either it was that or the ear waxy steam that was coming out of Lily's ears with a piercing:
WWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR making him wheeze.
James looked at Lily pant as if she had just had sex standing up, her lips were sealed with a dignified silence but in James's head he thought she was in her very sexy PMSing stage. Or if it was on the same month it would be 'playing hard to get.' Why did he follow Lily continuously? He could get any girl in the school, even that Shemale who called shimself Nickola and hit on all the guys, though she/he's gender was unknown as Nickola had a moustache with a homosexual voicey lisp. She'he also had a man's names in it.
Why did James pick Lily to have sex fantasies about and steal her undies and long to undress her?
Then it hit him like a loud gong.
Faster then a muggle could fly
Faster then Sirius could process a why the chicken DID cross the road.
Faster then Peter could brush his teeth.
Faster the Remus could read Sirius's nonsense language.
Faster then Lily could achieve detention.
Faster then Professor Mcgonagoll could wrestle Hagrid woman on man to the ground
Faster then Dumbledore's beard could grow.
Faster then a girl could put on her makeup for the ball
… Which meant it hit him pretty was pretty slow.
Love? What was love? If James could pause time he would of looked around for Remus, Place a 10000000000 page dictionary in front of him, bribe him, taunt him, even threaten to molest him until he looked up the word Love then he would order Peter to note take Remus's ramble…and then he would have Sirius laugh maniacally at him. But he didn't have that superman power.
But was he in love? He glanced up at Lily who looked slightly worried that he was silent for more then three seconds. James Potter only managed to not to talk for 2 milliseconds in his waking time. Even at night he mumble to himself. He chewed his lip.
"I…"Lily gave him a small look James continues. "Know you are just in denial you'll own up one day…one day!" he winked an eye and wriggled an eyebrow. How he could do two eye things at once was a complete big mystery, why he didn't tell Lily that he loved her was his own little secret which he will confess to Lily probably in a few later chapters. Sorry, er… any ways.
Lily sighed to herself gave him a small look that averted from oh-well to you're-an-annoying-boy-who-will-never-grow-up-just-like-peter-pan-except-peter-pan-is hot-and-fictional-unlike-you-you-immature-prating-prat. How James could understand this was a complete mystery.
James quickly added in.
"Will you go out wit-" Lily silenced him quickly… with the middle finger… accidentally of course… (coughnotcough).
"Grow up James Potter then I'll consider you."
She stalked off in a huff taking her steam with her.
James was happy that the steam was gone he didn't like losing his voice otherwise he couldn't hear it. But his heart was caught up in his throat really soon to be regurgitated, he sadly stood there feeling his heart tearing apart AND coming out of his throat at the same time (cool eh?). He looked at Lily's fiery red hair bounce of behind her.
What was he going to do? What would answer his questions? What would make him get Lily?
One thing.
Grab Remus and go on his knees… it worked every other time.
And that's what he did.
"Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony."
James was walking down the hall screaming like a banshee, scaring many midgets and elves away and giving the bespectacled giraffe a weird look, the nickname to his Maraudering friend who was probably doing something un marauder-ish. Like… reading a book… or not attracting attention…or not being immature…or not attempting to set Lily Evans hair on fire… wait that was only James.
"MOONY, MOONY, MOONY, MOONY, SODDING MOONY MOO-!"
James suddenly stopped his yodelling. He was just about to enter the no-marauder-land that only Ramus went to… which was slighty contradictory-like. Yes, he breeched marauderer rules but was it really his fault with his obsession of books? Of course not. James viewed the musky l.i.b.r.a.r.y he gulped. Eerie shelves of books! Books everywhere you looked. Reeking smell of fresh new books. Complete and utter silence...book Manic book lover with a craze of an ugly-cat lover. Yes he was in the land of his hell. He inhaled deep breath and took a step in the l.i.b.r.a.r.y.
James walked around prodding random people with sandy hair. He walked to a particular guy who had very sandy hair… very sandy hair; the sand was practically visible. And yelled straight to the guy 'MOONY!' The sand man fainted.
James was very good at making people faint, such as being in the no-marauder-land everyone was fainting seeing him there.
James shrugged and went off again.
"Moony, moony, moony, moon- James?"
James turned around. Remus was on a library ladder reading a book that took up a whole shelf…he was half way through. James goggled at the book thickness, he had only ever finished a 4 pages. And the picture took ¾ of the page. He never even new books could be THAT thick.
Ah…well.
"MOONY!"
"SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH"
James looked around for where to shush came from, he only saw the shelves, and he felt claustrophobic for a second.
"moony," James whispered. Silence. Remus goggled at James, James goggled back, they soon had a goggling competition.
Googlegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegogglegoggle
Remus felt his eyes sting so he decided to stop goggling because it looked like he was as Sirius said 'looking people up' plus Remus hated watery eyes. It stopped him from reading.
"Holy Merlin, is it just me or does everyone love the library for a second!"
"Er it's you?"
Remus was looking worried, James could tell, he was glad that Remus was worried, though Remus was only worried for James's mental health. Nice friend wasn't he?
"We had Wormtail first! Then Padfoot now you!"
"Er..say wha-…?"
BLEAGHESRDIGN!
"IscarediscaredIscarediscaredIscarediscaredIscarediscaredIscarediscared," Sirius emerged from inside a shelf (weird eh?"). He must have been traumatised because he wasn't even saying I scared right. Oh, and his eyes were popping out, face was white and shivering.
James looked at Sirius he knew that if he stayed in the l.i.b.r.a.r.y any longer he would have also been shipped off to St Mungos screaming.
"Woah padfoo-"
"Look a book!"
James looked in the direction Peter pointed out, oo yes it was a book.
"WOW Wormtail."
"Look another book!"
"Er…yeah Womzes!"
"And another, and another BOOKS AAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Peter grabbed his head and sank to the ground whimpering books. Books had quite the affect on the marauders. Iscared repeating, book pointing, claustrophobic feeling and book obsessions. It was a marauder thing, it was abnormally BIG affect, but all in the head it was.
"SHUUUSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHH!"
James, Sirius and Peter looked around for the SHHHHHHUUSSSSSSHHHHHHH makes. Remus who probably grown use (because he lived in the library) to it didn't bother he looked at his traumitized friends. The poor souls all trapped in the big wide library. At least Remus had not taken them to the Magical Library for Wizards and Witchs or they would of commited suicide. Or be fatally wounded.
But why were they even here?
"Guy why are you even here?"
Sirius, who was biting his nails and glancing around scared, answered .
"Is pink a gay colour?"
James and Remus gave Sirius the strangest look, Peter continued his head banging (thump thumb thumpity thump). That question made Sirius come to the Library and driven insane by…books? Ah…well Sirius always took desperate measures to achieve answered questions. Once Peter said 'if I threw my quill down the toilet could I get it out?' And well. We don't want to know what Sirius does.
"No Padfoot or you'll be calling half the female populaton lesbians and they wouldn't snog you.
Sirius stopped his nail biting and nervous glancing and stood straight.
"Oh…" he slouched lazily on the shelf putting his FULL weight on the shelf…and Sirius just ate. Uh oh. He looked at his nail. "Great now I need a manicure! I HATE YOU BOOKS!"
SLAP SLAP SLAP.
Remus turned to Peter who was head banging like a suicidal mania.
"Does THUMP my THUMP butt THUMP look THUMP big THUMP in THUMP this?"
Since when did Peter care about butt looking big in robes? He wore those robes 24 hr Seven not to mention his matching undies. He'd change his undies at least once a… year. Only one person cared butt flubber. No, not James, he only cared about hair-messiness and a certain redhead. It must have been… Sirius.
"Sirius?"
"Well it does look big in it, it just sticks out and, and, and it looks weird." Sirius was horrible at self-defence. (Emphasize on horrible).
Remus grabbed Peter's head from the annoying thumping that was now thumping a beetles song and said. "Your butts fine."
James marvelled a Peter's purple bump, which seemed to cover his whole face. Purple was such a pretty colour and it suited Peter too much for James's liking. Purple did match Peter's dandruff-y type of hair. After his marvelling James went back to hyperventilating.
"James what troubling you?"
BREATH breath BREATH breath.
Sirius listen to his hyperventilate rate. It was on extreme.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Jamesies got Lily problems!"
James reacted in the most dramatic way
"I don't you pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig pig."
Name calling.
Sirius side glanced at James then mouthed to Remus and Peter. Trouble In Bed. Remus rolled his eyes. What immaturity! Peter just wondered how James had trouble in bed.
"Do you wet the bed too Prongs?"
James stopped accusing Sirius of being a pig by pointing to the shelf next to him and looked at Peter. Did he urinate in bed? No he hadn't since he was three. If you didn't count the one time his was 13 and Sirius spilled apple juice all over his white sheets and said James wet the bed. James's mum gave him a 2 minute lecture about bed-wetting and how he might of needed a diaper. Thus Sirius owed James two minutes of his life. Sodding Parents.
"Yes I have Lily troubles." James saidsmally, deciding to ignore Peter's bed problem ideas and accusing.
"I told you!" Sirius yelled triumphantly.
"SHHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"No!" he slumped even more weight that the shelves began to tip slightly. Could a slim looking boy weigh that much? Well Sirius Black did have hidden Blubber in his…nuts.
"Continue James," said Remus but glancing at Sirius slouching, so much weight could cause trouble.
James recounted how he made a 3rd year turn into a flower-growing slug and how they yelled and yelled. How he was about to be serious for a second. An added in pun by Sirius. How she yelled again. Many gasps of oooo and aaaaaaahhhhhs and sexy beast. A hard slap. SLAP and more retarded comments added by Sirius. And Peter commenting on bladder control.
There was silence. Woah there was never silence through the marauders. There was always Sirius complaining to fill it in. Or James yelling: 'I LOVE LILY EVANS' or at least something close to it such as shagging or molesting. But this bloss ended in a nanosecond
Darn
"Grow up James!"
"What Lily is that you in Remus's body?" James scrutinised.
Sirius double took and stared at Remus." Eww tthats gross you now have a pi-"
"No James I mean grow up. Stop acting pratty around Lily!"
"What!" Sirius's eyes were popped out of his sockets, he place them back in . "But immature is our motto! He can't stop now! Moony what are you doing? Breaking the marauders up!" Sirius was wailing know he choked James by grabbing him. "You'll stick with me Prongs!"
"I thought our motto was: 'shush you'll wake the pigs'!" commented Peter in wonderment. He looked at Sirius with confuzzlement. Sirius shrugged. "Meh."
"What do you mean I'm mature! My voice cracked and I have hair on my pin-"
"To much information."
Remus looked away in disgust as if james was about to show him, who commented on pubic hair? This was not a normal conversation! REPEAT NOT NORMAL.
"I'm not a prat Remus! What are you on about?" Remus shook his head
Tell me prongs, do you ever listen to Lily's screams?"
"No Remus don't reveal the truth!" Sirius scream then blocked his ears singing "Polly wolly doodle all the day.
"Hey DOODLE!"
"Yeah she's in denial isn't she?"
"No."
"I've always wondered how men do breastroke!" Peter said alarmingly.
"Er with their moobs?" answered Sirius. "Or they can use their balls?"
"She wants you to grow up! If you did she'd consider you!"
This hit James:
Faster: then Sirius could eat
Faster: then Remus could solve a Sirius riddle
Faster: then Peter could urinate
Faster: then Lily could notice James do something idiotic
Faster: then Snape could not wash his hair
Faster: then a blonde ditz could giggle
Which was pretty fast.
"Grow up!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Grow up?"
"No James we shall remain Peter Pan and not grow up to have wrinkley tits!" Sirius was on his knees practically begging.
"That's all?"
"er…"
"I could grow up with my eyes closed!"
"But James!'
"That's easy you sillybutt!"
"What you just call me!"
"James! Our buttocks aren't silly they are practically normal… does that mean I can call you silly balls!"
"I'm gonna show her I'm mature now!"
"James… it's the last day of school! You need to pack and everyth-"
"Uh ohh guys I released something!" They looked at Peter who was whimpering.
SNAP!
No not someone being castrated more of a shelf being knocked over.
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Sirius's weight finally knocked the book filled shelf over and now they had a shelf of dominoes.
They glared at Sirius.
"Heh, heh,heh… Whoops."
"WHO DID THIS?" that was the women who had an obsession with the man who had a cat obsession.
Oopsies!
Not far away to three girls were grinning to each other.
"He doesn't need to grow up!"
"Well, yeah he does, only to get Lily out of denial!"
"OMG Sirius is so strong to push those shelves over!"
"snort his hidden dick blubber and moobs did that!"
"Can't he tell she already likes him?"
"There both head over heels!"
"She does a very weird way of showing her affections to him!"
"Like screaming…"
"…and gonad kicking."
"Lily should just say yes, I could get closer to Sirius!"
"Well James has weird affections too like begging."
…and setting her hair on fire.
"Yeah…there unique!"
"Unique!"
"James and Lily both have…"
"Unique signs of affections!"
Spare me the insults! No stop it! Was it that BAD! Er… I hope no one was insulted or found it weird! I tried to make it as good as I could peaople! I'm sorry if you Peaople didn't like it! Though er… I tried my best and I'll be continuing! Whatever you say I don't CARE! … sowy I'll be more polite and I hope you review this new and weird writing!
REVIEW my people it takes only 4 seconds…! I'll go on my knees! I swear!
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