My name is Cassandra Emily Gilmore-Hayden and I was a mistake.
I have three older sisters Lorelai Leigh Gilmore-Huntzberger, or Rory, who is a full sibling, Georgia Gabrielle Hayden or Gigi, who is a half sister, and April Lynne Nardini who is a step sibling. All three of them started as mistakes but at the same time weren't.
I have three younger half siblings too, William Lucas Danes, or Will and Victoria Marie Danes, or Vicky who are twins, and Sarah Christine Hayden. They were never mistakes.
Only I have the distinction of being a mistake all my life.
Don't get me wrong, no one in my family ever said or done anything directly to that effect, it's just the little things. The way they interact with my siblings, the half heard talks that I've overheard, even the stories of how Mom and Papa Luke got together. It's just the way things are.
With mom it's the way she looks sad when she looks at me sometimes, never when she thinks I'm looking but I've caught her at it many times. It's the way her face lights up when Rory comes to visit, how she makes up special rituals with the twins.
Rory was a mistake too, mom was only 16 when Rory was born, but they grew up together and I don't think Mom ever thought of her as a mistake. Rory is her best friend, her confidante, they are the Gilmore girls even if Mom is a Danes now. It's the way she makes up rituals, both with Rory and the twins.
The twins are her miracle babies, Will is her boy, her little diner boy. Mom, who doesn't like sports is there at every soccer game, every baseball game, and every football game he's in. Vicky is her little sweetheart, smart and funny, Vicky is mom's shadow.
I'm just Cassie.
On their birthdays she tells them of the day they were born.
She holds special movie nights.
She throws great birthday parties.
On my birthday mom is sad. She doesn't come to my room at the exact time I was born, doesn't repeat the story of my birth. Oh I usually get a party but I can tell mom's heart isn't into it. None of my parent's hearts are into it. Mom is sad, Papa Luke pretends to be interested, but he isn't really into the celebrations, not like he is at Will and Vicky's party, or even at Rory's.
I'm never outright excluded at mom's movie nights…but when I join it's obvious I don't belong. I've watched them when I'm not there, they laugh more, smile more, and mock more. Movie nights are more fun when I'm not around.
Papa Luke is not my real Dad, but mom married him before I was born, before they even knew about me at all. He doesn't like me calling him Papa Luke, but it hurts Dad when I call him dad, and it is confusing. April, Will and Vicky are his real kids.
Like Rory, April was a mistake too, but Papa Luke didn't know about her, Not until she found him when she was 12. I think Papa Luke only thought of her as a mistake for a week before he became her father. She's Papa Luke's real daughter, but he treats Rory just the same.
He goes to all Rory's special occasions, takes her on special trips, and is there for her.
He takes April to science clubs, even though he hates them. He takes the twins fishing and to sports. He always does his best to be involved at their birthdays, always tries to be involved in their lives.
He made cribs for Will and Vicky, he made toys for them too.
All of them have been on special trips with Papa Luke. I never asked why he never takes me, I know the reason.
Rory's his oldest, April is his Smart girl, Will is his only son, and Vicky is his Angel, I'm just Cassie.
I love Papa Luke, but I'm not sure if he loves me, why should he I'm a mistake after all.
I know I'm a mistake when I look at my Dad's family.
For Dad Rory is his oldest. He missed a lot of her life so he tries hard to make up for it. They aren't as close as Rory and Mom but they spend a lot of time together.
Gigi is his oldest. She was a mistake till her mom left, then she became Dad's daughter. His princess, he talks to her about things. Dad always listens to her problems, goes to her recitals and has never missed a day of her life.
When he does have to go on trips for work it is Gigi he takes with him, Gigi or Sarah.
Sarah's my youngest sister. Her Mommy died three years ago.
Sarah is Daddy's baby. She's still little, not even 5. Daddy reads to her and Gigi every night even though Gigi insists she is too old. He always invites me but like movie nights it's not the same when I am at their house. The story times don't seem as happy.
Dad looks at me sad sometimes. Like he knows I'm a mistake.
I wish I knew why.
Rory is his oldest, Gigi is his princess, and Sarah is his baby, I'm just Cassie.
I'm not smart like Rory or April, I'm not cute like the twins, I'm not pretty like Gigi or Sarah. I am not good at sports and I can't memorize movies.
I'm nothing special
I'm just Cassie.
Maybe one day I'll be able to tell them this, maybe one day I'll find out why.
My name is Cassandra Emily Gilmore-Hayden and I am a mistake.