My Other Worldly Harem Curb Stomp is Wrong as Expected (SNAFU)

Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Come wa Machigatteiru is created by Wataru Watari and published by Shogakukan.

Familiar of Zero is made by Noboru Yamaguchi and is published by Media Factory (though I only know the J.C. Staff production).

Neither is owned by me nor do I have any power over them.

And so, Hachiman Hikigaya gets lost in his Home Town.

Youth is a lie. A sentiment I looked back on with a different view than my initial pen to paper moment. I had been a loner, unable to understand what youth meant when I transcribed the words of my feelings onto a class assignment.

From it sprung my youth.

I had met a young woman, as cursed as myself. A beautiful person without flaw, without peer. We laughed and I grew fond of her, though never were we friends, getting twice rejected tells me that truly. Another was added, a bright and smiling face, but sadly she was a nice girl.

I can never again trust a nice girl.

Not after her.

Others came and I saw youth in a new light, people whom I could speak with and enjoyed being with, but it all was a lie. Everyone wore mask, everyone deceived everyone else. It was like a game where we danced to a tune none could hear amusing the onlookers to no end.

I was no different.

I allowed myself to flow with the status quo. Where the same mask they did while holding myself superior for knowing I did it.

I honestly felt like shit.

This is not what I wanted.

Youth is a lie.

I don't want lies.

I want something genuine.

I asked them, to do it with me.

Neither understood what I wished, but both were willing to try.

They were willing to be more free with me, and yet I still lied to them.

I had feelings, feelings for them both. If I told either one the entire thing we constructed would collapse. Is it the real thing I wished? If it were, we would not collapse like a friendship of a certain raigu. This new extension, the one this evening, we went to an aquarium.

One girl tried to change the situation we were in, but her way was wrong. It would have made elements real but force one of our own into the most manufactured and fake feelings of all. Her way was not right.

We parted, them going to sleep over and me holding a can of MAXX COFFEE, my only solace in life. When did I change into this creature? I used to be a monster of logic, unfeeling and moving to the best future for everyone, slightly altruistic but true none the less. My heart hurt for them, and I selfishly wanted everything. Feelings to be returned without losing either of them.

Sometimes I wished all my problems would disappear.

The crosswalk signaled me to cross which I dutifully did, letting the sweet taste of coffee rush down my throat.

That driver was not going to stop.

Shit that driver was not stopping.

Run.

Run.

My feet won't move.

Please truck-kun I don't not wish to be isekaied.

Finally, I go, running out of the way of the vehicle as it blows through the light. What a disastrous turn, I almost died. If I died, I would make Komichi sad, that is something I can never do.

Haha, I bet that earns me a bunch of Hachiman points.

Stepping forward, yet still watching the retreating truck (should I report it to the authorities?) I slip into something warm.

And fall.

And fall.

Colors morph around me, dancing with the light of a hundred stars.

Did I actually die just now?

To a truck?

Komachi, onii-san is sorry.

The violent trip ends, and I spit up dirt. Raising from prone I only see smoke around me.

Purgatory?

I know I am not Saint Hachiman, but did I end up in a blank afterlife?

Did my Kami's all forget me?

Rubbing my eyes from the pane of the smoke, I cannot help the cough that escapes me.

Stupid purgatory taking me away.

I want a last meal.

Komachi make onii-san curry please.

Sound.

I can hear again.

Around me murmurs sound, though nothing butt nonsense words are spoken. Kami, did you send me to an afterlife in the wrong server? Am I that forgettable?

The fog begins to dissipate revealing a sunny sky on a blue backdrop. I am in the center of a castle courtyard, like a fantasy castle, one with totally ineffective defenses.

These walls don't even have walkways on them, let alone machicolations.

The collection around me is a strange sight. Besides youths younger than me are things strait out of Final Fantasy! That blue thing is a dragon, an actual living breathing western dragon.

I think my eyes are now the most open they have ever been.

Wait.

I came with MAXX COFFEE.

Yes! It is still in my hand, slightly crumpled but still, the sweet taste is still mine.

Bringing it to my lips…

Its empty.

I cannot help but cry.

It must have been the smoke.

Ya! The smoke is why I am crying.

The girl nearest me begins to approach after a man much older than her urges her so.

Why is an eight-year-old with a bunch of teenagers? And holy cow, even Yuigahama would be jealous of that pink doo.

Perhaps she dies it?

She gestures to me and speaks nonsense.

"Hello? My name is Hikigaya Hachiman, where am I?" I ask in my best English. They seem moderately European, so this is my best bet.

The girl just looks confused.

She speaks again and I can't help but wonder why she is here.

And why the others are laughing at her.

I know what that feels like, to be pointed and laughed at, in fact the title of a Hachiman middle school light novel would be My Middle School Slice of Life is Horrible Beyond Expectations and be distributed in the horror section of shops worldwide. I felt for the pinkett, really, I did.

"Hello?" I wave.

She blushes. Ah, the bullies. Makes sense. Maybe she hoped that I would be her friend and that's why she came to me. I wish I were that assertive. My onii-san senses are tingling, is she another Rumi? Her brows furrowed and she yelled at a… holy Yuigamama! What is that? That should be illegal and classified as a weapon of mass destruction. That button deserves an award for its work, actually no, bad button, be weaker. Let the mountains be free.

Oh, she is looking at me again.

Her blush is even larger now, I wounder what the Himalayas had to say to her. Mt. Fiji must have had words for her to make her that red.

Ah to roam around those-

She kissed me.

This eight-year-old kissed me, on the lips, without warning.

She was a tomato (gross), and I am sure I mirrored her look.

Before I could question her, how I was hoping to was beyond me, a burning erupted from my hand.

Oww, Oww, Hot, Hot!

Holy Church of Totsuka this hurts.

My first kiss brings me to pain like this! Leave me a virgin forever!

She spoke again yelling to the woman of the group. Again, nothing.

"Hey, what's going on?" I ask again, this time not bothering to speak English, they obviously don't.

People began to filter out. Leaving the courtyard while accompanied by their various fairy tale things until only the old gent and the eight-year-old remained. She seemed to plead with him and he just shook his head to her. He offered her words that seemed laced with affection. Is this a genuine sensei? Is this how they are supposed to treat their students? Where is the beating? My stomach would be destroyed if I spoke to Sensei like that! The only thing worse would be saying she was outside of marriageable age and still single as a pickle.

Worry not Sensei, I will figure out where I am and free you from your sad and lonely life.

Unless someone gets you first.

Actually no, can someone get her first, I don't want to be a punching bag the rest of my life.

The pinkett grabs my arm and pulls me off, hey lady. I am not ready for this sort of thing, try again in ten years.

"Hey stop! Stop. Please stop!"

We enter the castle proper.

Reaching the upper flour of one of the towers we enter a room, with a bed. I blush furiously. "Wait! I am sorry girl. Right now, you are too young to be doing this kind of thing. I am sure you will grow into a beautiful woman but currently my heart is too small to fit you inside of it. Please don't ever ask me again." I bow my head. Wait. What was that I just said? Am I possessed by a sly fox right now? I grab my chest, still a guy. Good.

She stairs at me like I am retarded.

Well sorry I don't speak crazy lady.

If only I had a MAXX COFFEE, I am sure that would fix this.

Oh shoot.

I need to pee.

Too much coffee.

"I need the bathroom."

"Please."

"I need it."

After five minutes of begging, she grabs me and drags me out the door, a face full of fury.

She opens the bathroom door…

To reveal a library.

"Please I need to pee!"

"Please."

As I continue to beg into her ear, she flips through a book given to her by an angry looking woman. Don't wave your stick at me woman, I need to go to the bathroom.

Suddenly the pinkett waves a stick at me and shouts… causing me to be blown back a ways from the force.

"Ow, ow, ow. Dear God, why did you do that!" I yell at her. She doesn't understand me so I can afford to be a little rude right.

"Wait what did you say?" Her small voice asked to me.

"I understand what you said!"

"So, do I!" She paused and grew a stern face, opposite the glee she had just moments before, "Now, what do you need."

"Well, it's embarising," I rub the back of my neck and blush.

"What is?" She comes to me with a face of concern. Holy bipolar batman, is this a wild tsundere?

"I was asking to use the restroom?" My blush grows.

"There is nothing embarrassing about that."

"What I am embarrassed about is how I no longer need to…"

Her face gets red again, "gross, gross, gross, GROSS! FIREBALL!" nothing happened until a crushing glow met me dealing massive damage and flinging me across the room, yet surprisingly it did little actual harm. Is this the power of anime?

"Ow?"

"Let's get you washed."

"I am in your care." With a bow I followed her out.

After stopping by a Hayama look alike and getting clothes from him she led me to the showers.

This is such a strange place. It does not feel like the afterlife. I wonder why I am here. What happened, did I actually get isekaied. I hope not, I can see myself being the hero summoned who gets beat up on and has useless powers that make the protagonist of the story look better in every way. No way could I be overpowered and win in this new world, right?

Stepping out with wider strides than I had hoped I see the girl patiently waiting in the hall. And by patient, I mean the opposite of that. She is tapping her foot so violently I am expecting it to crack, and while her arms are crossed, she is gripping a sick hard enough to snap a neck. Why is this look at me? What did I do?

"I didn't know commoners took such long showers." She glared at me hard. Wait… commoner, attitude problem, hates me, flatter than flat…

"Yukinoshita?"

"What?" Nope, even she is not this violent. I wave off her question which brings even more anger to her tiny form.

"So, demon lord? Princess in trouble? Just for the fun?"

"What?" After thinking about what I said her eyes narrow, "Are you threatening the princess?" What is this aura, is that a STAND? Please no! I am sorry.

"No, I am wondering why I am summoned here." My love of light novels is useless, haha Yukinoshita, guess I get the last laugh on this one!

"Well to be my familiar of course? I thought even you commoners knew about that kid of stuff?" Familiar? Like as in a witch familiar? Isn't that like supposed to be an animal. Am I a mouse? "You are here because I summoned you as my familiar, even though only animals are supposed to be summoned, not commoners." She added under her breath.

"Hahaha," my sarcastic laugh erupts. Wow universe. Just when the story of Hachiman could not get lower you go and literally say I am a lower lifeform to humans. Imagine if she was here, how much she would be laughing at me for her hours of telling me something true.

"It's not funny." She stomped her foot again and blew out some air. No! Too cute! My onii-san instincts are taking over. I automatically move to her and drop my hand on her head.

"It's ok pinkie," I rub her hair which is very soft. She brings her head down not looking me in the eyes. "I am sorry I am a disappointment. To be fair though you can now join the club, I am disappointed in myself every day." I give her a smile as she looks up to me.

"Gross."

"What?"

"That look on your face. Never make it again. I honestly felt scared for my life. And your eyes… are you a zombie?" Critical hit. Even here I get punished for my genetics. Thanks dad! This is all your fault.

"Anyway," I pull her attention back to me, "what is my job as a familiar."

"Well, you clean my room, bring me food, pick out my clothes and accompany me to important events."

Wait. What is this. This feeling. Joy. Happiness.

"So, I clean after you."

"Yes."

"Laundry?"

"Of course."

"And you will shelter me?"

"Yes?"

"And feed me?"

"Obviously?"

"Yes! Take that Sensei! I am a househusband!"

After I said that I looked down on the girl who wore a shocked expression. It changed getting redder and redder.

"WHHAAAATTTTT!"

OK folks. I have no clue if this is something I actually wish to pursue in any way. I though of this opening scene my entire shift today, and then cranked it out in and hour and a half when I got home. Don't worry, "It is Always Darkest Before the Dawn" will update soon, I even got a beta for it! YAY FINNALLY! I am around 4000 words there but could not edit if before getting this off my mind.

If anyone wants this to continue I might be persuaded into it, but this is as much thought as I have put into it.