My Other Worldly Harem Curb Stomp is Wrong as Expected (SNAFU)

Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Come wa Machigatteiru is created by Wataru Watari and published by Shogakukan.

Familiar of Zero is made by Noboru Yamaguchi and is published by Media Factory (though I only know the J.C. Staff production).

Neither is owned by me nor do I have any power over them.

Sadly, comparisons to Hayama were overblown

I had never seen such a small thing cause so much destruction in my life. She was closer to that of a rabid beast than a true human. So much strength in such a small form, maybe she was the end boss. Maybe she had some different magic than everyone else, I still hadn't gotten over the whole 'magic is real' thing, that was named something truly evil like dark, or black, or void, or evil, or ow. My face hurt so much from her right hook that even speaking my inner monologue hurt.

Walking the halls as she dressed, despite her assurance I did not need to leave, I noticed the wonder boy flirting with a suitably brunette he called Amy, what was better was on the way back it was a blonde named Rachel.

Now I might feel bad. I despise the man Hayama with his fake relationships and fake persona, I really did. But something about seeing this person play with the hearts of a girl like that rubbed me entirely the wrong way. Despite being teased, harassed, berated, insulted physically abused, and... where was I going with this? Right, despite that, people should be treated with respect. I think I figured that out with the friends I had made in the last year, my want of something genuine being at the forefront of it. I hate Hayama, but even he would not stoop that low. In some weird, twisted way Hayama cared for the people around him, or perhaps he cared how they preserved him, but regardless he would never treat people, (note: he would still treat me like trash), in such a manner.

When the embodiment of lust moved from my new door, I gave it a knock. "Come in," meek. Her voice sounded meek like she was afraid of who would come through. I wonder why that was?

"It's me, are you decent?"

"Oh," I could actually hear her straitening, "Of course I am familiar. See yourself in." Wow. It is almost like she is overcompensating or something with the way she treats me. Although I did think she was being bullied earlier, perhaps there is merit to that thought. Walking into the room and sure enough, she is dressed in the clothes that I had picked out for her, that had then been used as projectile weapons against me and looked suitably like a middle schooler at a fantasy high school, complete with a stupidly long wand.

I lean against the wall as she stares me down. "Well?" she starts.

"Well, what?"

"What are you waiting for familiar?"

"Hikigaya."

"Hikiwhata?"

"Hikigaya. My name is Hikigaya."

"Hiki- no. You are my familiar and I will call you such."

Isekai gods, remember that one moment I was happy about being in this world. I return it wholeheartedly. My position as househusband was a lie, to this thing I am not even a person. At this point, I should just leave at the first opportunity. "And go where?" damn you rational mind, we can think of a way out of this, "you can't even read and you don't know if the spell that is translating everything would break," I said damn you! I let out a long sigh.

"You haven't answered me." She aggressively stomps her foot. Woah missy, be careful there, might break the solid stone.

"I have no idea what is going on." Oops. She looks like she is going to explode now, her face is red as red can be. The wand is moving, this is where I die.

"GRRRRR" and the anger is gone but the red does not disappear. Is little miss psycho hungry?

"Want to get some food?"

"I was waiting for that, stupid familiar. I swear…" she continued as she stomped past me, I had gotten enough stimulation with human interaction to know that the blush she had and the way she avoided my eyes was a way to prevent me from seeing her embarrassment. I dutifully followed.

The lunchroom was massive as more people than I thought possible had poured in to eat for the day. How was this possible, there were nearly as many tables as I saw people yesterday and each was as big as one from Harry Potter. They each seemed full which was the strangest part. Was there an underground city of dwarves that I did not learn about, but the dwarfs looked like generic humans from Europe?

Louise sat as one of the help placed a large platter before her as I made to sit by her side. "What do you think you are doing?" She looked at me like I was the dumbest thing alive. Hey ill have you know that I am great at Japanese Literature.

"Sitting down to eat?"

"With a noble?" She scoffed at me. "What sort of delusional fantasy world are you from? You should be glad to even be in the Hall of Arvys." Holy cow this chick was serious. She believed the prattle she was spewing. She actually thought of herself as above me. That was it. I was leaving.

"Ara. Trouble in paradise already?" The Yuigahamama replica bounced, I mean walked, yes walked up to us with another small child following like a duck behind. She pressed her large… personality on top of the supremacist's head. "I knew your actor would quit on you soon, but I thought it would be when the money ran out, not the next day." She laughed.

"Actor?"

"Well, you are some commoner she paid to pretend to be her familiar, right?" The tanned girl turned to me displaying all her… personality, and oh did she really need to sway there.

"I wish, then I would be able to take severance pay, although this might count as hazard pay so…" I trailed off not really knowing where I was going with that sentence. I needed to focus on something other than her large… eyes.

"So, you still insist you are her familiar?"

"Unfortunately."

"Wow, even your familiar does not want you. You really are a zero." She was about to continue as the gremlin looked down into her food hiding her face, but the blue-haired child paused her.

"Breakfast… late"

"That's right, well see you later Zero, Hikitani" She walked away, and as she did I realized her personality was just as great on the back as on the front.

"How dare you."

"Hmm?" I turned to the small girl whom I seemed to be attached to now.

"How dare you speak to me in that way in front of HER." She turned and yelled at me. I had a flashback to a roof.

"Well, you say that but,"

"Shut up. I am Louise de La Valliere. I am a noble and you are a commoner, no less than that you are my familiar. You will show me respect. When I talk, you listen. When I say jump, you say how high. Understood."

Me a year ago might have taken this abuse as what it was. Me a year ago might have fallen in line. Me a year ago may have even gladly taken this interaction as a positive.

"No. I am a person, and my name is Hikigaya Hachiman." I reach past her fuming head as her face made an odd shape. I grabbed some meat and toast from the platter she was given and turned. "Maybe I should leave, it's obvious I am not wanted."

And I left.

I'll give this world this, it was a beautiful day. I spent the entire afternoon napping in the warm sun with a tree shading my face. I woke up with a small plate of food next to me with a handwritten note. Perhaps it was an apology, sadly I couldn't read. I kept it anyway. I ate the unfamiliar food as I noticed familiar faces start to poor into the courtyard. The one I had left was not among them. I leaned up against the tree as the group shuffled around. A trio of girls split from the group and towards me, well girls as a walking Aphrodite, a child, and a Yumiko look alike. She was like Yumiko on steroids like drills on drills.

"Hey Hikitani," the redhead started. "You are still around? Didn't you get fired this morning?"

Me? Hikitani? I looked behind me and no one was there. Pushing down my frustration at my name I deadpanned, "Even if I got fired I have nowhere to go and no money to my name." I gave a shrug. Her look changed slightly.

"She didn't pay you ahead of time? Can't you just go home?"

I scoffed, "I didn't get paid," I tried to put my hand in a pocket that didn't exist. Damn you medieval clothing. "I am honest to god her familiar." I was in another world. My family was gone. My sister was gone. This was real. Komachi, I'm sorry I will not be home before you ever again. I felt a tear fall before I could stop it. When was the last time I had cried? "I can't go home," I looked up at the pretty sky and remembered the moons. All the jokes, the lies, the things I said. It all crashed at that moment.

Suddenly A body pressed against my stomach. She had looked so tall among her peers, but on my taller-than-average Japanese frame, she only touched my chest. Her face was wet, "I'm sorry," she started as she held me tight. "I didn't know, I was only joking" she trailed off as her eyes met mine. They were so brimming with emotion. I looked into them as she blundered off platitudes, but none of them mattered so much as what I had just seen.

I had said I would know it when I saw it, and at that moment it was clear.

In her eyes, I had seen something genuine.

It was so shocking I didn't even push her away; despite the only person I had hugged for a significant time was my wonderful imoto her contact did not phase me.

But moments like that could never last forever, especially not for me.

"Embracing a commoner. To think that you would sink to that Kirche?" A teasing sound was made as the person who wanted to be Hayama walked up to us. I cleared my tears as he was about to continue to tease the person who had just shown me something wonderful.

I couldn't let that happen. Me from six months ago would turn his attention to myself, but I had made a promise. A promise to stop doing things like that.

"I know she is a pretty girl, but I doubt insulting her is the best way to add her to your harem." I broke his train of thought as he looked at me with wide eyes. Good.

"What did you say?"

"That women usually like complements more than insults, though you knew that already?"

"What?" Drills for days talked for the first time.

"Wasn't the line you used on Amy 'Your eyes are the first thing I wished to see on this morning,'" I smirked as I added, "Or was that Rachel."

He was pissed, "I have no idea what you are talking about commoner," he was going to say something else, but I interrupted.

"Wait, that's Amy talking to Rachel, what timing."

"Shoot," He jumped for cover behind my tree as I pointed at nothing.

"Let's go Kirche," I said to her wide mouth taking advantage of his distraction.

"Bad." The toddler stated.

"You cheater." Drills turned on him and started beating him with authentic anger. "How dare you do this to me." She was slapping him pretty hard. "You said I was your only." It appeared she had caught the tear sickness that this tree possessed. "I hate you," she added a sucker punch as she stormed off.

The blonde picked himself up as he sent apologies after her. But then he reared on me. "How dare a commoner speak to me in such fashion. Look at the mess you made. I shall have to teach you the proper etiquette for addressing a noble. We shall have a duel."

Ya. I wanted no part of that.

Looked cute thought I would take a pic. But really, I know its been a while but I wanted to get something out. My climax fight in my other series has been kicking my ass as has school. I wrote this in a little under 2 hours and it is probably a mess grammatically. Also I havn't actually watched FoZ in around 4 years so I had to reference the manga quite a bit to even remember the story. I hope you guys like this! I bit back on comedy a bit this time so hopefully everyone still likes it.