"Nancy."
She looked up from her sandwich. Her father was looking at her. Iris was making noise in the kitchen.
"So when are we going to see you again?"
Nancy counted off on her fingers. "Well, I'm going to the mall with Ned for a while, and I'll be back for dinner, but Bess wanted me to go see her tonight. And then tomorrow night I'm going to hang out with her and George. But I'll get back early and we can have breakfast before we go to the airport."
"Maybe you and I could have lunch tomorrow."
"Sounds like a plan." Nancy glanced at her watch. "Oh man."
Ned's car was parked in the driveway. He was leaning against it, arms crossed, sunglasses and tight jeans, waiting for her. She drank in the sight of him, tugging her purse up onto her shoulder.
"You ready?" A small smile was playing over his lips.
"You bet."
Once they were on the way she put her elbow against the car door and tilted her head against it, staring at him. He glanced over at her. "What?"
"You look..."
He grinned. "Yeah, I know."
She touched his hand and he laced his fingers between hers. "So you need what?" he asked.
"A few shirts."
"Did your dad say it was all right for you to stay over at Bess's tonight?"
She shot a sideways look at him, grinning. "Took everything you had to keep from asking until now, didn't it."
"Well did he?" Ned asked all in one breath, his lips trembling slightly into a smile.
"Of course," Nancy admitted, allowing herself a grin. "Now help me find shirts."
Even though there was no way the two of them could get away until later, she could sense his frustration and impatience because it was her own. She came out of the dressing room in layered tank tops and crewnecks, holding her hair up in a messy ponytail, twirling for him, but his response was always the same. She looked great in anything, and she could see the same expression in his eyes that she felt in her own. She kept staring at him like she was never going to see him again.
"You get a free perfume with purchase."
With an effort Nancy pulled her gaze from Ned's and tried to focus on what the cashier was saying. Another minute and she would have been in his arms, close enough to feel his breath. Ned made some soft noise, his gaze falling down to the floor.
"Sure," Nancy replied, distracted.
"Which one?"
She glanced between the three, her finger settling on the one in caramel-colored smoked glass. "This one."
"Don't you want to try it?"
She could feel Ned's fingertips resting above her skin before he looped his arm around her back and rested his hand against the thin fabric over her hip. Her heart was pounding as she sprayed her wrist, touched it to the other, and then lifted one for Ned's inspection. She turned her head and their gazes were locked again.
"Sure," he said. "Whatever you want."
She couldn't stop staring at his mouth. He pressed his thumb against her slightly parted lips, then trailed his fingertips down the side of her face.
"Okay, autumn," the cashier said, tossing a slender white box into Nancy's bag. "Here's your total."
They walked out with their arms around each other's waists, Nancy's fingers idly trailing down the sleeves of dark-brown leather coats. "Remember that leather jacket you had when we first started dating, and you let me have it all the time..."
Ned dipped his head in acknowledgement. "And then my mom gave it away because she knew it didn't fit me anymore."
"Do you still have those notes I used to write for you and leave in the pockets?"
"Of course," he said softly. He reached over and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Think your dad would mind if I took you for an Orange Julius before I brought you back?"
"Nah," she said, tilting her face back for a kiss.
--
Bess lifted the remote and the credits blinked into a dark screen. "Nine-fifty-five," she said, looking at the clock beside her bed. "Close enough for you?"
Nancy could actually feel butterflies in her stomach as she released the pillow she had been holding to her chest and gave Bess a nervous smile. "You sure you're okay with this?"
Bess forced an answering grin. "As long as we actually do see you tomorrow night. We'll braid each other's hair and go through Cosmo and paint our toenails and..."
"Act like girls again?"
Bess nodded. "Have a good time tonight, Nan."
"Only if you're okay with me leaving."
"Go," Bess said, making a shooing motion. "Just sitting in the same room with you is even making me nervous."
Ned's car was idling halfway down the block. His face was half in shadow from a nearby streetlight, and he was drumming his fingertips impatiently on the gearshift. Nancy shifted her bag off one shoulder and knocked on the passenger window.
He started just the slightest bit before reaching over to let her in, a wide uncontrollable grin on his face. "Hey," he said. His voice was low. He smelled of soap and spicy aftershave, and his gaze was magnetic.
"Hey," she said. "You owe Bess dinner."
His lips quirked slightly but he didn't take his eyes off her face. "It's worth it," he said softly.
She rolled down her window once they were on the way. The night was impossibly dark and oppressively hot, with the smell of charcoal still smoldering in the air. He negotiated the turns with the ease of a sleepwalker. She watched his ringless fingers trace the edge of the steering wheel, the force of his whiteknuckled grip.
She was speechless with his fingers laced between hers.
"Bess wasn't too mad, was she?" He darted her a sideways glance.
"No, no," Nancy managed to say, her index finger sliding over his palm. "I'll see her tomorrow night. It'll be all right."
"And you're sure you still want to-- hang out with me tonight?"
She caught the bare hesitation. "I'm sure," she said.
--
In the still breathed silence of their blue bedroom, later and then much later, she lay in his arms and listened to his breath. They had the whole house to themselves but they still tread quiet on creaking stairs, still spoke in hushed voices like living phantoms afraid to disturb the dead. But for this, but for the quiet seal of their cooling flesh, they could be in any other night. He pressed his unpursed lips to her forehead in a kiss.
"Good?" she whispered.
"Yes," he replied, low and without hesitation or nervousness.
Her lace and silk still lay undisturbed in her bag. He had no use for it. He had seen the old faded bra and cotton washed to softness and warmed by her skin, and he had taken her to their bed with the single question in his eyes, the need for her permission and desire. Their clothes were in a haphazard tangle by the door. The shades were drawn tight.
For two weeks they had been lovers. Just two weeks. She was naked and unashamed against him. His eyelashes fluttered against their cheeks. She reached up and rested a palm against his face.
"I was so afraid of this," she whispered. "But it feels right."
He nodded, his fingers trailing in a soft curve over her forearm as he kissed her mouth. "It is right," he said, his breath hot against her lips. "We were meant for each other, Nan."
"Do you really believe that?" she whispered.
He nodded again, brushing her hair back out of her face. "Of course," he said. "You've always been the only one I wanted."
Her heart swelled painfully in her chest. "Yeah," she murmured, tears rising in her eyes. "I've never met anyone like you. I never will again. You're my best friend."
"And you're mine." He rested his lips against her cheek. "I've never loved anyone the way I love you."
"Me either. I'm going to love you until the day I die."
"Shh," he said, stilling her mouth with another kiss.
--
Ned had volunteered to take Nancy to the airport. Nancy had breakfast with her father before she finished the last of her packing and stood in her bedroom, looking around. It already felt deserted. Her heart was swollen and sick in her chest.
He helped her load her car. They didn't speak on the way to the airport. She didn't trust herself not to cry.
"So, we're here."
"Yeah." She sighed heavily.
He reached for her, and they kissed deeply. He rested his palm against her cheek, then trailed his fingers down the side of her neck. She reached for him.
"I love you," she gasped, reaching up to wipe a single tear from her cheek.
"You know I love you." He tilted his head back and brought her face to his to claim a kiss from her trembling lips. "We're fine. We're okay. And you'll be back in December and we'll be together every second of every day. You'll get sick of me, you'll see me so much." He pushed a lock of hair off her forehead, and she managed a soft smile.
"You'll be my husband again."
"I still am."
"We aren't." Her voice was no louder than a sigh. "Not yet."
"At least I got one ring on your finger first." He touched the diamond. "We're okay."
She looked up, met his eyes, and nodded, blushing faintly. "We're great."
They climbed out of the car, and when he opened the trunk to grab her bags, she stopped him and dug inside her duffel for a second. She withdrew the perfume sample and sprayed herself thoroughly. She caught his questioning look and smiled, her eyes still faintly wet.
"I can't smell like you when Dad's hugging me goodbye."
"Well, it would definitely make things a bit more awkward around here." He slipped an arm around her waist. "Give me a little bit of that."
She kissed the angle of his jaw, then sprayed his chest before putting the bottle back into her bag. She took a deep breath. "Okay," she said.
"Okay."
They went through the excessive line to check in, she collected her ticket, and they walked to the stairs, to where Bess and George were waiting. Even though they had spent the night talking for hours, Bess still hugged Nancy as though she hadn't seen her in days.
"You're going to keep in touch, right?" Bess's eyes were shining.
"You know I will." Nancy fought down a sob.
George hugged her next. "And don't forget me either."
"Never," Nancy said, smiling.
Ned swept her up off the ground and into his arms. "I'm gonna miss you, Drew."
"You'd better." Her lips were shaking. "You'd better miss me so much."
"Kiss me."
She pressed her mouth to his obediently. "Tell me not to go and I won't," she whispered just loud enough for him to hear.
He closed his eyes, his grip on her tightening. "Don't do this," he begged her.
"Do you want me to go?"
He trained his gaze on her, his eyes damp. "I don't want you to go, but you have to," he said. He managed a small smile. "You're going to have a great time. Watch me on satellite and I'll blow you a kiss before every game I play."
She gave him a sad smile. "How did we get into this," she said. "How am I going to live, not seeing you for months..."
"You will," he said. "It'll be all right."
She tilted her face up to his and kissed him. They were still kissing when Carson approached them.
"Ned's a little big for a carry-on, Nan," Carson said, smiling.
Ned reluctantly released his fiancée and she walked over to her father to give him a hug. "Hey Dad," she said. "I'm gonna miss you."
"I'm gonna miss you too, baby."
Ned pulled her aside again just before she went up the escalator to pass through security. "I left you something," he said. "Some music."
She looked up into his eyes and had to bite her lip. "I love you, you know that?" she said, her voice soft and deep.
"I love you," he said, and he brushed his lips over hers. "Come back to me."
"I will." She searched his eyes and found them growing damp as hers. She reached up, her fingers in his hair, drew his face down and kissed him hard.
When she pulled away he looked down and swiped at his cheek absently with one hand. "Go ahead," he whispered roughly.
She ran her fingers through his thick hair and smiled. "Love you."
"Love you too." He sniffed, then looked at her. His eyes were definitely wet now.
Twin tears slipped down her cheeks. "I'll see you soon."
He dipped his head in silent affirmation.
--
The fasten seat belt light blinked out with a soft chime and Nancy wiped her eyes discreetly. Then she reached into her bag and found what he'd given her, the music with his name on it.
She listened to the songs he had picked out for her over and over as the airplane crossed land and sea, through the in-flight movies and prepackaged food and soft drowse of the other passengers. She listened and cried, wiping her eyes on the cuffs of her sweater, catching the soft smell of the perfume she had sprayed on them both and remembering making love to him.
She went to the bathroom several times during the flight, each time convinced that she would find blood on the tissue with the start of her period. But she never did.
--
One bus went to the university. Nancy climbed on board with her bookbag and her oversized duffel, while the driver wrestled her larger rolling suitcase into the luggage compartment of the bus. She could feel a thin cold layer of sweat on her back.
She wasn't bleeding. She wasn't, and she should have been, with the birth control pills she had been taking faithfully every day.
The bus swerved down a hill, suspension squeaking rustily, and Nancy held a hand to her perspiring forehead, taking quick shallow breaths. She hadn't been able to think about anything else, not even while she mentally translated and answered the immigration officer, had her passport stamped, spoke with quiet firm assurance about her student accommodations and her means of support while she would be staying in Spain.
But she was only a few hours late. In all honesty, that was all it was. Stress didn't help. It was her nerves and stress and leaving Ned and everything, and it would be all right even if she did completely skip her period. Everything would be fine.
The campus was beautiful. Lush green, towering trees, pale stone buildings and college students who looked remarkably like the ones back home. The driver stopped near an imposing glass and concrete monstrosity and helped her with her rolling suitcase. She flashed him a wide grateful smile as she adjusted the backpack on her back and headed inside.
"Miss Drew," said the slender, dark-haired woman at the desk. "We've been expecting you. You must be ready to get out of this heat. I have your room keys right here if you'd like to come with me...?"
"Sure," Nancy said, brushing a few loose wisps of hair off her forehead before she picked up her suitcase again.
She was going to be alone in a suite with two other girls, in accommodations right off campus. A moderately-sized apartment with her own bedroom, painted a moss green with the floor done in glazed tile, a window overlooking campus and wrought iron bars on the windows.
"It's perfect," Nancy sighed.
Once the woman had given her a brief tour of the apartment and had left her with a set of keys, Nancy put her suitcase on the bed and opened it, then stood for a moment quietly, listening. She took off her shoes and socks and tiptoed out to the doorway and stayed motionless for a second, then crossed the scarred and glossed hardwood floor to the old and overstuffed green couch in the middle of the floor. A cheap plastic telephone stood on the end table with a laminated dialing guide in both Spanish and English underneath. Nancy traced her fingertip down until she reached the proper country code. Then she lifted the receiver to her ear and cradled it on her shoulder, her lips trembling for a moment before she dialed.
His voicemail was going to pick up, she just knew it. A small tear formed and trembled on her lower lashes as she bit her lip.
A breathless voice answered. "Hello?"
"Ned," she replied, trying to keep the tremor out of her voice. "Hey."
"Nan," he replied. She could hear the happiness in his voice. "I miss you so much already."
"I miss you too." She reached up and dashed the tear out of her eyes. "How is everything?"
"Boring," he replied. "You must have just gotten there. How is it?"
"It's..." Nancy spread her arms and looked around the room helplessly. "It's old and hot and I have a beautiful room all to myself and I'd give it all up in a split second if you were with me."
"You'll be singing a different tune once you start classes," he predicted. "You'll fall in love with some old distinguished professor who's been shot at and lived through malaria and you'll forget all about me."
"Not a chance," Nancy said softly. "Not on your life. I have three whole days to miss you horribly before I start classes. And then I'll just miss you terribly between."
"I have three days of heavy practice. Plus a week. And I'm going to dream about you every night, I just know it, and wake up thinking you're asleep next to me."
"Just as long as no one else is there."
"No one else will be," he told her, his voice low and deep. "Nan, I love you so much."
"I love you too," she murmured. She choked back a sudden sob that rose in her chest. "I love you and I wish you were here right now."
"I do too," he said. "The heat here is insane."
Nancy looked over the back of the couch and out the window. "It's almost time to go to sleep," she said. "I don't want to let you go."
"I wish you didn't have to."
"I love you, Ned," she said. "I'll call you tomorrow."
"You know you can call me whenever," he said. "Whenever you have a spare second you know I'd love to hear your voice."
"I'd love to hear yours," she said. "God, I wish, I wish so much, that you could be here with me."
"It'll be all right," he murmured. "It will be okay. Before you know it you'll be back here again."
She sipped in a breath carefully, willing the stinging heat in her eyes to stay there. "Love you," she said again.
"Love you too," he said. "Good night, Nan."
"Goodnight."
She had barely replaced the receiver before she forced herself to dial her home number instead of dissolving into sobs.
"Hello?"
"Hi Dad." Just at the sound of his voice, she felt calmer, more composed. "I made it here in one piece."
"How's your room?"
"It's nice," she said. "I'm using the only phone we have in here. It's in the living room and I'll be living with two other girls, so I just hope they don't monopolize the phone. I'm already planning on doing that."
"Called Ned yet?"
"About to," Nancy said with her eyes closed. "So what are your plans?"
"The usual," Carson said. "Trials and traffic tickets and indulging my only child with whatever she asks for. Do you have everything you need?"
"I'll know in a few days," Nancy said. "But I'll be all right. I'm really jet-lagged, Dad, so would you mind if I went ahead to bed and called you back tomorrow, when I feel close to human?"
"Go ahead," Carson replied. "I'll be around. Love you."
"Love you too."
Nancy didn't want to do it, but she slowly unpacked her toiletries and took a brief shower. As she washed Ned's scent off her skin she traced her finger over the porcelain soap dish, out of which a slight triangular piece had been chipped out. She braced herself on her palms, closed her eyes and let herself cry under the steaming water, until she felt weak and tired and waterlogged. Afterward she crept out, wrapped herself in a towel and fell asleep on her empty narrow bed.
--
On the first day of classes she woke with a pair of white earphone cords tangled around her neck.
The overhead light was still on, but its illumination was muted by the sunlight streaming through the barred window. She hadn't even pulled back the covers, but had fallen asleep in a white tank top and bright blue sweatpants, the elastic waist low beneath her belly. She kicked her stockinged feet as she reached up to gently untangle the cords, and heard the soft impact of a stack of t-shirts falling to the gleaming wooden floor.
Her music player was drained. She had fallen asleep listening to Ned's songs again.
Her stomach lurched and she lifted herself shakily to half-sitting, then pushed herself the rest of the way up. Her fist closed around the headphone cords and she yanked them away from her neck. She could feel her throat closing at the faint lines of pressure, and when the weight was removed her breath was still in the soft panting labor, shallow to keep her from throwing up. Beads of perspiration formed on her forehead, and she placed a single hesitant toe on the shag rug next to her bed, then rested her weight there.
The bathroom was all rose and white plastic, but at least it was hers alone, without fear of interruption or pity. She retched and shed a few bitter, hated tears as she knelt over the commode, then cupped her hands, filled them with water and sipped to dispel the taste of acid.
--
An ocean away from her, Ned woke at that same moment, to find a warm body in the bed next to him.
One o'clock in the morning. The red numbers burned his eyes, and he closed them, rubbed his forehead, pulled the sheet up in a sweep of his hand and felt the warm resistance of slightly damp and hairless skin, that wasn't his own.
Wordlessly he sat up. Nothing intelligible could escape his constricting throat. A tangle of glossy brown hair was on the pillow next to his. The minibar was open and its dim light showed tanned flesh, the soft dark hollow of a mouth and pale gleaming nails.
Sheri. That was her name, Sheri-with-an-i, she had been at the party after practice and he'd been telling her how much he missed Nancy and they had all been doing shots and he had been lonely and she'd followed him up to his room and the television had blared and there had been at least four people all tangled up on the couch and she'd said something about missing her boyfriend even though Ned knew for a fact the guy she said she missed so much was downstairs taking shots off a dizzy blonde girl's washboard abs, and he'd lain down irritable, his head pounding and lurching with each breath he took and he'd felt the scrape of her nails on her forehead as she'd made some bleary comment about, something, something, he had lost it then.
He climbed to his feet and walked very very carefully to the bathroom, but he smacked his shins hard on a low cheap dark-wood coffee table anyway. The coffee table was pushed at an angle against the wall. A plastic Twister map, wrinkled and creased, was spread haphazardly in the middle of the floor. The minibar's cooling engine sounded with an ominous growling rumble and Ned closed it with the sweep of one bare foot. Empty glass bottles muted their jingling with the soft gasping seal of the door.
The bathroom was just ahead. He flipped on the switch before he walked in and an excessively loud and obnoxious exhaust fan rattled to life. He glanced back at the bed. Sheri made some soft groaning noise and turned away from the bathroom.
He shut the door. When he flipped the switch the noise, which was infuriating his already pounding headache, stopped, but the light turned off as well. He stopped his right ear gently with a fingertip and turned the light back on again, wincing.
All the bath sheets were in a soggy mess under the towel rack. The bathtub was full to capacity with lukewarm water, and a washcloth on the edge of the tub was steadily dripping a widening puddle onto the tile. Ned still had his shorts on. No telltale lipstick or scent of someone else on his skin.
He knew he hadn't. She must have just crept into bed with him after he'd fallen asleep. Turned off the lights and the television set and shooed everyone else out and waited for him to wake, falling asleep as she did.
An ocean away Nancy was just waking up.
Ned caught himself just in time and sank to his knees.
--
It's something I ate, something I ate, something I ate
She grabbed a tray and forced her stomach to steady as she stared down at her choices. Something with tomatoes. Tomatoes and maybe rice and something green on top. She drew a cup of soda and placed that on her wet tray.
Across the cafeteria were her newest acquaintances. Sonia, Cessette, Mariah. When she glanced back up there was a guy who had sat at the front of the class and volunteered a lot. Carlos something. He was smiling down at Cessette and she was gesturing widely and then Carlos was sitting down, next to the only empty seat.
They switched to English when she came to the table. Her Spanish was a little rusty, but not that rusty. She put her tray down carefully and lowered herself into her seat with the hesitancy of an alcoholic, willing her stomach to stay low in her belly.
"How long is the train ride into the city?"
Sonia shrugged, poking at her plate. She'd picked the other option, something that looked like eggplant in pale thin gravy. Nancy forced her gaze away from it. Mariah flipped her black hair over a shoulder. "It's about an hour," she said. Then she smiled, her white teeth bright in her tanned face. "The last train isn't until three a.m., either. Plenty of time to go out for a drink after."
Carlos ripped open a foil packet of cookies, and the smell was nauseating. At the same time, her stomach growled. She forced a forkful of rice to her lips. "And we're all transfers?"
When she said it she kept Carlos in the edge of her gaze, and as she watched he ducked his head. "I am actually a graduate student here," he said.
Nancy turned her head to study him. He had coal-black hair curling over his forehead, but startling ice-blue eyes. Ringless left hand and he was staring at a point just over Sonia's shoulder right before he turned that gaze on her. She felt for her own ring.
Just something I ate
He smiled and offered his hand. "Carlos," he said.
"Nancy," she replied.
--
He had barely unpacked, so that wasn't really a problem. He took his rolling suitcase down to the desk and asked for another room, flipped a credit card in their direction, crawled into the crisp antiseptic bed with a do not disturb sign on the door.
But Ned didn't sleep. With his arms under his head he stared at the ceiling or the wall or the vague shadow of the entertainment armoire. Flipped through the hissing channels. Nothing on. Nothing for a while. When he called down to the desk, having given in unwillingly to the hunger pangs, there was no room service for another four hours. Coffee available in the room. Cheap plastic fixture nestled on his bathroom countertop. Cheap plastic, heavy and marbled and cool to the touch.
He found the extra pillows and made a lumpy dissatisfying approximation of Nancy's form under the covers beside him.
Ice machine down the hall. Black drawstring sweatpants and grey undershirt and five o'clock shadow and his bare feet sliding over the well traveled carpet. Someone was snoring loudly behind a door. He held his plastic keycard between two fingers as he filled a plastic-lined bucket with misshapen ice cubes that melted on contact with air.
His cell phone on the holster at his side.
At three o'clock the plastic cup of ice water on his nightstand had dripped a wide circle and he startled awake remembering a curtain of brown hair brushing against his bare chest. He heard the end of a word spoken in her voice and his heart clenched in his chest.
Dream, dream, dream. Nothing. Didn't happen.
He woke up again facedown on the pillows beside him, his fingers curling against the mattress, breathing hard, breathing Nancy. She had been there, wordless soft yielding, pale and familiar beneath him, and now she was gone. He swallowed hard against his dry throat. A woman with grey-blue hair and a loud checked suit was holding a soft white bottle of lotion. Her voice was nasal and overbright. He picked up the remote and stabbed a button and she was gone.
He dipped his fingertips in the lukewarm water and drew them over his face, then lurched to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.
--
Nancy was beginning to hate the smell of water.
She'd barely made it back to her room in time. Her bookbag was slung into a corner, leaning against a wall. She held her hair out of her face with one hand. Nothing had stayed down.
She lifted herself to trembling legs and washed out her mouth. The few dotted freckles stood dark against her chalk-pale cheeks. With a frustrated cry she smacked the light switch and stood in darkness. She could feel a hot line of sweat at the waistband of her shorts, and her stomach flipped again. In the pool of dim sunlight she knelt down again, retching, almost sobbing.
Just everything I eat.
The sun broke out of the clouds and the pool was too bright to take. She shifted her weight and tilted backwards, her back against the cool tile wall, mouth open and gasping.
Ned.
She snatched a washcloth, twisted the tap on with fumbling fingers and then ran it under the water, her eyes closed, forehead against the sharp corner of the counter. She wrung out the towel and wiped her face with it, hard, over and over, scrubbing at the thin clammy sweat.
Her shoes were lead weights on her feet. She unlaced her tennis shoes and kicked them off, still holding the rapidly warming washcloth to her face. The rest of her felt like it was freezing. She opened the door of her room just as Mina walked in, in a flash of long curly hair and a jingle of keys.
And then Nancy was no longer alone.
They nodded to each other with polite watchfulness. Mina put her purse down on and end-table and was rummaging around in the kitchen when the telephone rang.
Nancy could feel her pulse beating in the skin over her stomach as she willed her stockinged feet across the floor to the couch. Mina grabbed it first, though, her wide dark eyes looking up to find Nancy's as she spoke rapid Spanish into the phone.
Then she offered it to Nancy. "For you," in rich heavily accented tones.
"Nan?"
"Ned," she replied, pulling a blanket across her legs, her heart beating even faster. She felt lightheaded. "Hey. You just caught me."
"I'm glad," he said. "Who was that?"
"My roommate." Nancy kept her gaze on the shadow of the kitchen door. "One of them. Isn't it early for you right now?"
"I just got back from my morning run," he said. "Not that early."
Nancy closed her eyes, running the washcloth over her face again. She cleared her throat and leaned back. "I miss you," she said.
In the eternity of heartbeats before he answered, a sudden nameless dread filled her. "I miss you too," he answered, and it was gone, he was fine, everything was fine, everything would be fine. "I miss you so much. I wish I could be there with you right now, you have no idea how much."
"Practice is that bad?" She forced a smile into her voice.
"Practice is fine." He took a breath, and she listened to it, imagined his face. "It's everything else that's bad. I even had to put pillows in the bed next to me."
"I don't even try to sleep anymore," she said. "I've already gone through two sets of batteries listening to the music you gave me instead of sleeping."
"You liked it that much?"
"You knew I would, Nickerson," she said, softly, and this time there was a real smile on her lips. Faint, but there. "Why did you call?"
"Because I wanted to hear your voice," he said. "Because I wanted to lay here in bed with my eyes closed listening to your voice."
"Sorry I can't help with that. I'm on the couch in the living room."
"Not like that," he said softly. "Not for that. I love you."
"I love you too," she said. "More than anything."
"We're good, aren't we," he breathed. She could see the line of his cheek in her mind, the soft brush of his eyelashes, the curve of his lips. "We're good."
"We're great," she told him. "Say you'll never leave me."
"I will never leave you," he repeated, slow and deliberate. "I will never leave."
--
After a shower Ned headed down to the lobby and out of the hotel. He saw Sheri on the way, her boyfriend's arm heavy over her shoulders, and relaxed the slightest bit.
He went to a jewelry store downtown where he and Nancy had looked over the wedding rings. Nancy had preferred a slender band for herself with a thicker paired one for him, plain gold that matched the engagement ring he had given her.
He walked out with her ring hanging off the golden chain around his neck.
--
"Are you here for the orientation course?" the sleepy-eyed girl asked in rapid Spanish.
Nancy fought the urge to let her palm rest over the flat of her belly as she responded in the same. The lights were harsh on her eyes but at least she was here instead of cowering on her bathroom floor. Sonia had agreed to go into town with her the next day to see if they could buy cell phones, but in the meantime Nancy had decided to go down to the main computer lab and find out how to at least check her email.
The girl placed her next to a monitor with a sheet of paper taped over the screen, something angry scrawled in what looked like red crayon across it. Nancy dug out her ID cards and the proctor explained in slow, deliberate Spanish how Nancy could log on to check her email and use the school website. Once Nancy thanked her, the girl went back to her desk and propped her chin on her palm, staring with glazed sightless eyes at her computer monitor.
None of the instant messenger programs Nancy used seemed to be working, not even the applet versions. She shrugged and glanced around, sure that the proctor was still in some narcoleptic fit. A row up she saw a familiar screen, and a dark curly head facing it.
Carlos sensed her eyes on him and turned around. When he caught her gaze he gave her a slow, hesitant smile, then turned back to his machine. After a second of deliberation, Nancy locked her machine and maneuvered around the rows of students until she was at his left hand.
"Hey," she said in English, and he looked up at her with those iced blue and heavily lashed eyes. She smiled. "Could you tell me how to get onto that program?" she asked, tapping his screen.
--
Ned found an email from her that night when he logged on. She told him about the campus and the people she had met and she said no fewer than five times that she missed him terribly. She was going to take her first trip into the city the next day, and if she was able to get a cell phone she would call him with the number. That way they could talk whenever, even when her two flatmates were having a wild party or watching some dismal dark movie in guttural Spanish with no subtitles. "They have to have known each other before now," she told him. "They watch movies all the time."
He clicked reply but stared motionless at the screen with his fingertips resting lightly on the home keys, waiting.
Nothing came to him.
The fingers of his left hand started shaking. He pushed back his chair with the blank screen still standing and walked across the hall.
"Hey," Cole said when he answered the door.
"Mind if I borrow a cigarette?"
"Just don't give it back," Cole joked, reaching into his desk drawer. "Need a lighter?"
"Yeah," Ned admitted.
Cole handed over a Marlboro and a dark grey lighter. He was a dark-haired blue-eyed giant of a man, who had practically every girl Ned had met since joining the team on a string. Sheri had even made some offhand remark about him, but Ned shied away from the memory.
"How's it going?" Cole asked casually.
Ned released a brief, bitter chuckle, but smiled. "All right. Practice is tougher than I thought it would be."
Cole shrugged. "Yeah," he admitted. "It's not bad after the third or fourth season."
"Probably won't be here that long," Ned replied.
"Why not?" Cole asked, crossing his arms. "You've been doing well. Unless you're looking for another team already."
"I'm not, but we haven't even had a game yet," Ned said.
"I've seen you play, though."
"College," Ned protested. "The stakes are way higher now."
"If you're looking for an endorsement contract," Cole said. "Are you?"
"Don't think I really can," he said. "Not really. Once my fiancée graduates from college we'll be getting married, and I don't think she really wants me doing this once we're hitched."
Cole smiled. "Oh, she'd get used to it," he said. "One thing girls like to do is spend money."
Ned laughed again. "You haven't met this one," he said.
"Why hasn't she been up to see you?"
"She's actually in Spain," he said. "I just got an email from her."
"She hot?"
"Of course," Ned replied, a bit of the old cockiness coming back. "And good in bed."
"Good?" Cole replied, raising an eyebrow.
Ned smiled. "Yeah," he replied. "Thanks for the cigarette."
"Anytime," Cole said, watching as Ned walked down the hall.
Ned lit the cigarette once he reached the balcony and took a deep breath, drawing the smoke down into his lungs. He coughed slightly. The last time he'd done this he and Nancy had been in high school and they'd been having a fight about his going to college and Nancy's inability to stop investigating. They had gotten back together and soon after she had stopped smoking entirely, telling him that his kisses tasted nasty when he did, and he'd stopped as well. He'd never even bought a pack of cigarettes, and Nancy hadn't either. They'd never been addicted. But the thought of this had been too clamorous to ignore.
He closed his eyes and exhaled warmth and smoke, his forearms against the wrought iron. He felt calmer, even if it was for no reason.
Nothing had happened. Nothing had really happened.
He stood gazing with sightless eyes into the distance, the cigarette smoldering between his fingers. If Nancy had walked in on it, if I walked in on her in bed with some naked man...
He closed his eyes.