Hey, Angela! Not dead yet:) That's one tough cookie!

Notes: I swear it's all finished! I shamefacedly swear, it just needs tweaking! Oh man, I'll grovel if you want! Really!

SPOILER, somewhat but not really since it's not a secret anymore, for Grace Under Pressure. If you know nothing of the episode, and I do mean nothing, not even the basic plot, don't proceed.

WARNING, bad words. Tsk, men... :)

Relevant

Rodney sighs in relief when he opens the door to his room and sees he's gained a roommate. "John." Finally, after so much effort spent on willing him to be there, he is.

Sitting on the bed, his eyes fixed on the opposite cot, John thinks this is it, he's gone crazy.

"John?"

Completely, utterly, one flew over the cuckoo's nest and is never ever coming back.

"John!"

He figures he might as well play along, do the insane thing right and answer the voice. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"I don't think so." John jumps, startled, when the cot dips. He turns his head slowly, wary of what he will find. The movement was not a trick of the light; Rodney was standing near the door and is now sitting right beside John, leaving a few inches between them. This going bonko thing sure is realistic; he can feel the heat emanating from the scientist, smell his presence in the air, hear his breathing. His gaze plunges in waves of blue that are hopeful yet concerned. "Rodney?" He's rewarded with the silly little wave and the tight smile that is a staple of the McKay greeting. "Damn." John sighs and sits back against the wall, closed eyes effectively blocking out the world. "Do you think you can come back later? I don't want to be insane today. How's tomorrow, noon-ish?"

"I don't think you can escape insanity John, it's in your DNA." Rodney brushes away the comment as if he hasn't insulted John and his lineage. "I've been listening to you, with the device, the, um, the mind-reading one." He holds his hand up to prevent John from interrupting, which he wasn't even contemplating. "It was just to prove a theory, and then I had to find you, which I did so, you shouldn't get mad I was eavesdropping since it was for your own good." Rodney waits for an answer but it doesn't come. He reaches out and pokes his friend's shoulder. "Hey, are you listening?"

John's eyes leave the opposite cot and its dead Rodney to focus on the live one. He doesn't know how long they sit, simply staring, but it feels like a long sluggish time before his mind settles and he digs up the strength to reach out. His fingers slide against the warm skin of an arm, his thumb almost meeting his index finger when his hand wraps around a wrist. He moves his fingers until he feels a steady pulse and squeezes. There is a small popping sound, a bone falling into place and he figures he's either a very creative crazy man or…there is no or, he is creative.

"I've gone completely nuts." It looks like Rodney, smells like Rodney, feels like Rodney but once again, it isn't. "I really have. First Teyla and now you."

"I saw Teyla too, but she didn't stay long."

"No."

"She did give me an idea! The device," he says, waving it in the air, "doesn't work on anyone but us. First, I thought it had to do with the gene, but it doesn't. I tested it on that man who has it, they sent him to me after…well, after you weren't…um…available anymore." He is silent for only a second before the words tumble out again. "Yes well, the ugly guy with the gene and the disgusting the mole. I don't think he even knows how –"

"Rodney!" John has to wonder why he's doing this to himself; make-believe Rodney is just as annoying as the real one was. He supposes his subconscious knows he wouldn't have it any other way. All the creativity in the world could never lead one to dream up McKay, he's just so…unbelievable!

"Right, right. It didn't work on the mole man either. It didn't work on anyone but you, Teyla, and me. It was obviously not the gene, as proven by moleman and Teyla which led me to wonder what it was and I came to the conclusion that it's because we're the only ones who have minds."

Oh yeah, the elevator doesn't go to the top in make-believe Rodney either. "We are?" Humouring the lunatics is always a good idea.

"It's obvious! There's no one here but us. I can't hear anyone but you. I heard Teyla twice, but mostly I heard you. Teyla said illusion and then she was gone and once I had accepted the supposition that this world is in fact a fake, I found you! I tried for hours to, uh, connect with you and it worked!"

"Connect?"

"Yeah! I knew you were still here because I was hearing you through the device, which needs a name by the way, we can't keep calling it the device…but it makes sense. Ford and Ronon, the people with no thoughts, and how we went from the squish to this. You remember the squish right?"

"Yeah…" Oh, insane Rodney sure is on to something.

"So, this is just not possible, I don't remember getting home from there, certainly don't remember Ford coming back and here we are, traded to slavery and while the dying part, for you, is quite believable, I just can't –"

"Will you let it go!" That's enough! He will not endure another one of those digs! It wasn't his fault and it isn't as if he hasn't suffered as well! Damn McKay and his grudges!

Rodney frowns, displeased at being stopped mid rant. "What?"

"With the dying shit! Let it go already! It's not like I do it on purpose! Not like I enjoy it!"

"You do too!"

"I do not, and even if I did, it's my job! That's the reason I'm here!"

"It is not! You're the genetic boy-wonder, that's why you're here!"

"Fine, that may be, but it's still my job!"

"Doesn't mean I have to like it!"

"No, but you could give me a damn break! I don't like it either! All the existential crap! I'm stuck with it! The meaning of life and what the hell I'm actually doing here, it doesn't just go away! You learn you're just a piece of some guy and you have to be turned into mush so he can live again or something and see how you like it when you come back and I hold it over you like some…"John breathes in deeply, attempting to regain some semblance of calm. It doesn't work. "I can't believe this! You piss me off McKay! You arrogant bastard! You think I've been having fun here, enjoying the near-deaths every second week! Fucking Stargate! Fucking SGC! FUCK YOU MCKAY! You know how you said your hallucinated Carter sucked? Same here! You suck! YOU are the worst hallucination ever! Go the hell away!"

"First, I am not a hallucination! Well…not really! My mind is projecting me for you, you're not projecting me. Second, if I was, I would so not be the worst one ever and third, don't you dare ask me for a break! I will not give you a break! If I let it go, you'll take that as positive reinforcement and do it again! Next time, it might be you'll slip between a bullet and me and I won't have that? Got it? I am not doing this again! I don't care about your existential crap! It's all bullshit anyways! Who cares about the meaning of life and why you're here! Answer's forty-two and nobody cares why you're here, just as long as you fucking are! Happy now? Can we please get on with it?"

John lets his head rest against the wall and closes his eyes. The thought that he is arguing with a figment of his imagination is more then he can bear. "Christ Rodney!"

"What?"

"You're a thorn in my side and a pain in my ass! Seriously, I don't want to be crazy today. Will you please just go away!"

"You've said that already and, no, I am not going away after I spent hours trying to find you!"

"You shouldn't have bothered!"

"Don't be stupid!"

"I'm not! I just can't do this! I'm trying to hold it together and you're screwing me over!"

"I don't see how my being here is worst! I understand I'm not the most pleasant person but I'd think you of all people would appreciate this!"

"It's not about how pleasant you are, it's about…" Back comes frustration. "Look! What do you want from me? An apology? Is that why you're here suddenly, for the guilt? Fine! I'm sorry! I'm fucking sorry I didn't know what to do! I didn't know what the hell to tell you because we don't talk about it. God-awful shit happens and life just goes on. Alright? That's how it works!"

"I know that…"

"No! That's just it! You don't know! You didn't come here for this! You're a scientist Rodney, you're not supposed to have to deal with that kind of stuff! You don't know the rules, you can't –."

"I know your damn rules, but it doesn't matter, none of it happened. It's not real…"

"How can you say that?" He walks over to the cot that is not his and wrenches the sheet away. Rodney's body still seems so alive, it's messing with his mind. "Look!" He points to the cot.

"There's nothing there." Rodney's concern is growing exponentially. John's face betrays the agitation he feels as well as the words echoing through Rodney's mind; anguish, disbelief and hope come through loud and clear, pushed into him by the device.

"There is! Look! Look!"

"I'm looking…there's nothing there. I swear John, whatever you see, it's not there."

"It's you! I put you there! I fucking cut you down and put you there!"

"It's not real. Listen to me, it's not real. I'm real."

"Fuck, Rodney, I'm sorry." He runs a hand through his hair. He's tired, so tired of this life he has to lead while everyone around him dies. Close-calls are nothing compared to the agony of being left behind, trying to forget.

"Nothing to be sorry about…nothing at all. You need to trust me on this, it's not real, there's nothing there."

John looks over at the cot, then at the live Rodney inching his way toward him. The dead, the living, the dead, the living. He lets the sheet fall back into place; if he's going to be crazy, he'd rather do it with a live best friend! "Ok."

"Ok?"

"I trust you on this."

This easy capitulation takes Rodney by surprise, but he quickly regains his footing. "Right…right! Well, ok, thank you. Now all we need is a plan."

"For what?"

"To get away from here!"

John reflects on the idea. "Might I suggest the gate?"

"Uh…" A dumbfounded Rodney is a rare treat. "Yes, yes, that might work. We can…yeah, sure! The gate! Let's go then!"

"What! Now?"

"Yes now! You want to wait until the virgin sacrifice by the light of a full moon!"

"No, I just think I might need some time to move past the insanity factor before we go charging through the countryside. It's nice, really nice to see you and all but I've done this before you know? I went batshit a few years back and it wasn't that much fun so I'd rather avoid it this time 'round. I'll just take a minute."

Rodney sighs and sits down beside him once more. "You're not crazy. You're a moron, but you're not crazy. Not now anyway. Just…trust me. I know it didn't turn all that good last time, but…there's no weapons involved so maybe…maybe you can?"

"I don't think you're getting it Rodney. I do trust you and I'm glad you're here. The problem is, you're dead. You came home that night and hanged yourself. I cut you down, put you on that cot. You were just…hanging…" John lifts his hand and mimics the swinging motion he will always remember.

"That's…disturbing…but I think you're the one who's not getting it. Obviously, I'm not dead as I'm able to do this," Rodney grabs the skin on the underside of John's upper arm between two fingers and squeezes as he twists it.

"OW! What the hell!"

The grin is smug. "See, dead people can't do that to you. Also, how can you think for a minute that I would kill myself? Have you met me? Would I deprive the world of me? It'd be such a waste!"

"What if I am crazy?"

"So? How are you going to know? Would you rather stay here alone or have my charming self to entertain you? You just said you trusted me, prove it!"

John thinks it through and reaches his earlier conclusion: better to be crazy with Rodney than alone. "Fine, fine." He breathes in deeply, ready to take the psychotic plunge. "The gate?"

"Yeah, let's blow this joint."

John lets out a small huffing laugh and shakes his head. "You can't carry that Rodney, you really can't." He follows his vocally indignant scientist with a renewed bounce to his step. Regardless of what is to come, he'll enjoy this break from horrid reality.