Angela! I will love you forever! (yes, it's a threat...be afraaaaid!)

Notes: Beware the mush and the talks of feeeeeelings :)

Lambda

As they entered the gateroom, Rodney voiced the thoughts running through his everyone's minds. "I can't believe how easy that was! Are we sure we're home?"

"I think so."

Elizabeth hurried down the stairs, smiling widely. "Welcome back!"

John nodded in acknowledgement. "Good to be back!"

"Beckett is expecting you."

"I'm sure he is."

"Oh wow, now I know we're home! Even I wouldn't subject myself to the horrors of that Scottish blood-thirsty fiend."

"Rodney." One stern school marm look from Elizabeht was all John needed to confirm they were home. He could never invent people like this.

So it was that they went from the gateroom to the infirmary, from the infirmary to the showers and from the showers to the briefing room.

"We owe thanks to Lokas then?"

"Yes. His presence allowed us our freedom. Jusyta, the man who was up for severance, was more than happy to participate in the Lopstak's experiment, rather than find himself sent to all corners of the universe." Teyla had been shocked at the young man's willingness, but she could now see how he would benefit from Lokas' newly formed alliance. He would not be severed, would find himself living a dream, or a nightmare depending on what his mind would reveal. He would live, safe and whole, until such time as his duty was done, his crime was erased. Thankfully, the alliance between Mira and the Lopstack had been dissolute under Lokas' recommendation and they had been assured, before stepping through the gate, that she would no longer be a threat to them. Lokas was an honourable man, what he said would be done.

"It's hard to believe the Lopstack simply released you."

Rodney took this comment as a personal insult. "They're no match for me! I'm brilliant! I could manipulate their little make-believe world like that," he snaps his fingers on the last word, "and once I knew that, I didn't see anyone or anything I didn't want to see." He frowns in Sheppard's direction.

"Yes, you were very impressive, thank you for showing me the way."

"It was impressive, wasn't it? You should've seen me! I wasted that Blob in a second flat! And, we're here, we escaped in a very heroic fashion once more, all thanks to me!"

"Heroic, right." Let not the scientist gloat today, for he will be insufferable forever.

"What! We did! I was amazing! I'm just sorry we don't have the Telepathicon."

"We are not calling it that! It's a…Bug." Sheppard gave a decisive nod of his head and a proud smile.

"Oh like that's any better!"

Elizabeth cleared her throat, one eyebrow raised. "Gentlemen?" Both men returned their attention to her and she continued with the debriefing. "What happened, exactly, in the…Pensey?" Elizabeth was surprised to see the team sitting around the table twitch noticeably. Even more surprised when Ronon volunteered information.

"It saw in their minds and showed it on a screen. It was an experiment. A newer model of the nan –"

"Nanovirus! Can you believe it! It was them! It was just an experiment gone wrong! That whole thing could've been avoided if the Ancient had been a bit more careful!" The silence left when Rodney stopped speaking was heavy with regrets. So many lives lost, for nothing.

"Let us be glad they had time to perfect the Pensey, or we would have suffered the same faith." Wise Teyla, who could see the good in every situation, who tried never to dwell on lives that were no longer enjoyed. Who preferred to keep the pleasant memories and forget that they were all that was left.

Sensing this was not the time for an in-depth analysis of their mission, Elizabeth decided to wait for the reports, having heard of the bulk of their time spent in captivity. "Yes, thank you Teyla. Now I think a few days of rest are in order? All of you, eat and sleep. I don't want to see you until tomorrow."

They exited the room in silence and found themselves at the same mess hall table, which was not unusual.

A few bites into their dinner saw Ronon break the silence. "McKay?"

"Mmmm?"

"What's a thesis?"

"What?"

"A thesis?"

"Oh…ummm. It's a, document. An idea, a theory presented to a committee when someone goes for higher degrees in university. That's a school, where you, uh learn and –"

Ronon didn't care for the explanation, he simply thought this would be a good way to bring forth the subject of the squish and what he thought needed to be said. "What happened to the one that was stolen from you?"

Rodney, who had been in the process of filling his fork with mashed potatoes and peas, dropped it in a clatter. Teyla raised an eyebrow at Ronon but did not intervene. This was his conversation to lead.

"What do you mean?"

"That woman who stole your research, what happened to her?"

"Oh…well…she…nothing really…"

"Why not? She stole your thesis."

"She did have some of my research, but not enough to help her that much. My theories where too advanced for her, of course." Rodney pondered the strange line of questioning for a moment. "So, uh, I suppose you saw that, eh?" A small, uneasy laugh escaped the scientist.

"Yeah. She was an idiot. She shouldn't have done that."

"No…no I guess not."

Ronon raised his head from his plate and gave Rodney an assessing gaze. "You're right."

"Yes, of course! About what?"

John snorted but gestured for Ronon to continue.

"You're surrounded by idiots."

"Yes! Thank you!" A smug look crossed Rodney's face and he returned to his plate, happy to leave the conversation at that.

"Tell us, Ronon, how did you reach that conclusion?" John could see there was something more, anybody with half an ounce of awareness would see that. Of course, this was Doctor Rodney 'if it's not coming out of my mouth it's not important' McKay.

"Most people don't give a damn about McKay. They see the annoying, insulting bastard, take what they can use and walk away."

Another fork clatter from Rodney's vicinity drew a smile from Sheppard. "And that's wrong?"

Teyla took this one, hoping Rodney would hear and believe her. Hoping they could put the past to rest. "It is. Rodney is much more than that. He is dedicated, courageous and passionate. Those who walk away deprive themselves."

Rodney was staring, mouth agape.

"Yeah, what she said." One down, one to go, Ronon thought. This kidnapping and mind-reading business had turned out better than expected.

"Oh God! Are you pod-people?"

Sheppard let out a bark of laughter, but no one answered Rodney's obvious effort at diffusing what he perceived to be an embarrassing situation.

Ronon wasn't quite finished. "People who walk away without seeing what's there are stupid. People who think everyone will walk away and do pre-emptive walking are also stupid."

Ok, John could face this. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. "Why do I get the feeling that one's directed at me?"

"Because it is."

"You trying to tell me something, Ronon? You handling me like you did McKay?"

"Hey! He so did not handle me!"

"I am."

"Ok, maybe a little. I let him though! It's not like I didn't know what was going on!"

John stared at Ronon who stared right back. Waiting for the quiet nod or the scrape of a chair as Sheppard walked away again.

"You telling me I've been stupid?"

"I'm telling you what I saw."

"So you saw a little bit of my life and now you're the expert?"

John's eyes had narrowed, but Ronon was not backing down. "No. Just telling you what I saw."

The quiet nod never came. The chair scraping and the walking away did. Only problem was, Teyla Emmagen would not allow her team, their team, to go on as it had, in hurt and anger. Respect for other's, she had; care for other's space, she did; suffer the idiocy of men akin to small boys, she would not. As John walked around the table, intent on escaping his team's prodding, a hand shot out and grabbed the tail of his shirt. He was effectively immobilized, and none too pleased even if a raised eyebrow was the only indication. "Teyla?"

"We will bring you dessert." She made it a promise and a threat. It told him he would be found and had better deal with it.

He nodded, was released and left at a slower pace.

Rodney pointed his fork at Ronon and remarked casually, "Now you've done it. Reminiscing with Ronon was not a good Sheppard tactic."

"Apparently not."

"Aren't we going to do anything about it? He's just going to sulk and then pretend it didn't happen."

"I believe it would be wise to leave him alone for the moment. We will allow him time to…sulk…but he will not be allowed to pretend. It is time we, as you say, clear the air." Teyla looked at Rodney intently. "In that spirit, I would like to apologise to you Rodney. I do not always understand you, but you shouldn't be made to pay the price for my failings. I regret hitting you, and the many things I said once we were free of the veil."

A blushing and babbling McKay, with hands flailing, clearing some air of their own, was certainly endearing. "Oh, well, Teyla…don't worry…it was the Pensey wasn't it? I'm not the easiest person to….what I mean is you're nice…and uh…I don't think you have anything to apologise…and well, I understand…and it doesn't matter…and…" He fell silent, feeling ever so slightly lame.

"Thank you Rodney."

He smiled, but it was weak and disappeared too fast. His gaze returned to his meal. "I'm…uh…you know…well…sorry….too…"

"You are most forgiven."

They returned to their dinner, the Colonel's tray taking more space than it should on the table. A few minutes were spent in reflection but it quickly turn to a debate, in Rodney's mind. Curiosity would surely be the end of scientists everywhere someday, but the question had to be asked, regardless of the consequence. "What else did you see?"

Ronon finished chewing, slowly, before he answered. "All of it. You remember it, I saw it."

"So…my family? And…Siberia and all that?"

"Yeah."

"Oh…well…you're not…I mean, it's between, uh, us…right?"

"Yeah."

"Oh good, those are very personal things and if it were to come to the wrong ears, it might be somewhat…problematic."

"You should forget about all that. Not worth the memory it uses."

Rodney made a non-committal sound.

"You're an okay guy McKay. Shouldn't let anyone tell you different."

"I know that."

"Good."

Teyla smiled indulgently as silence fell upon their table, though the heaviness it had carried before was no longer present. The time for a Sheppard confrontation came, and she strengthened her resolve. Ronon had done his part, in allowing the knowledge he had garnered to be put to good use. Now, it was their turn. She rose from her seat, took the cupcake left on Sheppard's tray and, with Ronon and Rodney on each side, made her way to their balcony. How was it that it was theirs, and that it contained all the bad memories, all the horrors found on missions, she could not explain, but theirs it was nonetheless and she was certain they would find John, if the Colonel knew what was good for him. She would not take kindly to being forced to chase him through the city.

As it was, they found him there, leaning over the railing, watching the waves hit the side of Atlantis, as he tended to do when outside her metallic shell.

"John?"

He straightened but did not turn. He had no wish to see them at the moment, to be with them. The last few days had taken their toll on him, he had had enough. First, half his team had abandoned him, then Rodney had killed himself, and now Ronon was telling him he'd seen it all? Seen John breakdown and care, care so much he couldn't function anymore. It was not a good thing to do as the military commander of a base filled with people who were little more than meals on legs. You couldn't allow yourself to care too much, if at all.

Rodney leaned beside him, watching the sun dip over the horizon. Funny how they always seemed to run and subsequently chase each other. It was unavoidable John supposed, and it was his turn to retreat. Last one had been Rodney's. Last time, John had been the one dying, Rodney had been the one unwilling to care. It never worked did it, for here he was, seeking John out, leaning in close and waiting. Caring for the both of them. As did Teyla and Ronon. They were a team, pulled through the same things together, but never really dealt with the after-effects together. How ridiculous was that?

"Where's my dessert?" A cupcake appeared on his left, held by a slender, golden hand. He chuckled and took it. "Thanks."

"You are welcome."

Searching for a neutral subject, he latched on the first that presented itself. "What's happening tonight?"

"Apparently, we're standing here waiting for you to get over yourself."

"Rodney!" Teyla chastened him, but would play this game. "We are not waiting for John to get over himself, we are waiting for him to stop behaving like a little boy."

That drew an amused smirk from both Rodney and Ronon, and a frown from John. "Hey!"

"Are you denying your attitude has been childish?"

"Yes!"

"You should not, it has been."

"It's been a tough month!" John was not going to stand here and be insulted. He was perfectly within his right to behave as childishly as he wished!

"For us all, John."

A long sigh preceded the admission of a weary man, "Yeah, I s'pose."

The renewed silence was broken with all the finesse of a John Deere Tractor ploughing the fields. "Are you pissed off because of Ronon or because you didn't get to be the hero?"

John stood, letting the fresh sea air brush past him. He hated to be found out like that. He felt violated and had no cause; it was Ronon! It didn't matter if he knew more than he should, he wouldn't tell a soul nor use it against him. He had been angry for close to thirty seconds, but when Teyla's hand had slithered out and prevented him from walking away, again, it had done more than any words anyone had ever spoken. She had held on to him, told him he would not be allowed to remove himself from them and…somehow, that had shifted the weight of…the weight he had been carrying for so long. He could walk away, but they would chase, as they had. John was a lazy man and walking away a tiresome business; perhaps it was time to stop. He turned to Rodney and snorted in belated outrage before realising the scientist's tongue was very much in his cheek. "I'm not pissed off. I just don't like people…too close." Oh, how very juvenile that sounded.

"We'd noticed that." Ronon took a step forward, hearing John was not angry with him.

"We will not go away. You will have to find a way to accept it."

And wasn't that the problem; accepting them as his own. Not simply because he had to protect them, because he couldn't allow anyone he liked to come to harm, but because they were his…as he was theirs. "I know."

Clapping his hand, Rodney spoke with false cheer. "Good! Can we go do something now?"

Teyla frowned at him but the tension that eased out of John was reassuring.

"You guys go ahead, I'll catch up."

"Soon?" Teyla inquired.

"Soon," John confirmed, truthfully. After they left, he thought for more time than he cared to count. In the end, he supposed it was already too late. He had already allowed Rodney, Ronon and Teyla to be more important than they should. No matter what he did, he would suffer just as much were they to leave him. It didn't make sense to shut them out. He was better than that. Wouldn't let some childhood fears rule his life and decisions. It would not be simple to change the habit of a lifetime, but it would be easier than avoiding them. It seemed they would not longer allow him to run, they knew better. Damn Ronon, he sure was something else! John turned and entered Atlantis.

Passing before a door, he heard the dulcet tones of one berating astrophysicist. He paused on the threshold to the common room and watched his strange family interact. "Hey."

"John." Teyla nodded, indicating the space left for him on the couch.

Ronon watched him sit before being reprimanded by Rodney. "Concentrate!"

"This is a pointless and boring game." The warrior rose, much to Rodney's dismay.

"Hey! We're not done."

"Sheppard can take over." Ronon waited by the couch for Sheppard to vacate his seat. They exchanged a look and it was understood that the unpleasantness of earlier was forgotten. Both men knew Ronon had been right.

"Jeeee, thanks." He got up nonetheless and walked to the chessboard.

"Oh well, ok. More challenging opponent anyways."

"Was that a compliment?"

"Don't flatter yourself! Ronon doesn't even know how to play! You can't possibly be worst!"

A snort of laughter escaped the Colonel and the evening was spent in friendly banter.

--- ---

Tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock. The pendulum of a grandfather clock.

Clink-clink-clink-clink-clink. The swing of dog tags whilst a soldier trains.

Shwoosh-shwoosh-shwoosh. The smooth motion of waves around Atlantis.

Followed by the soundless back and forth of a body.

Swish-swish-swish-swish. "NO!" The rise to consciousness of John Sheppard as he untangled from the sheet and pushed away the unwanted dream.

One image filled his head, taking everything away, leaving him with an urge he knew to be unreasonable but couldn't control.

He was out of his room, running down the hall before reason caught up with him. He stopped at a door beyond which lay the night's special brand of sanity. He raised his fist and hit the metal door one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine; he hit it until it wasn't under his fist anymore, until it retreated into the wall to allow him a glimpse of life. Glorious, grumpy, grumbling life.

"John?"

He no longer saw the pendulum, the heavyset frame swinging from the ceiling, the blue eyes devoid of any feelings. He plunged hazel into annoyed blue and breathed at last. "Rodney."

"What's happening?"

John shrugged. "Nothing much."

"Can I help you with something? You'd better say yes, because if this is a social call I will sell your ass to the next interested party I see."

"I was just checking." John entered the room even though he hadn't been invited and settled his soon to be sold ass on Rodney's desk.

"Checking?" Rodney scanned the floor for a pair of trousers, found jeans and ungracefully slipped into them. He then sat on the bed and waited for his friend to tell him what had brought him to his quarters in the middle of the night. He supposed Ronon's comment over dinner had something to do with the surprise.

"Yeah, you know, checking everything's alright." John looked at Rodney expectantly.

"Well…as you can see," he said, indicating his room with a large sweeping motion, "everything is has good as it's going to get tonight."

"Right."

They sat in silence, John avoiding Rodney's curious gaze until the scientist grew tired of this new game. "Are you going to tell me why you're here or should I guess?"

"I was just checking…" He hoped Rodney would understand, wouldn't force him to say that he had run from a nightmare.

"So you've said. Checking what?"

"You."

"Oh…ah…why?"

"I dreamt you were dead."

"Oh. I'm not."

"Yeah…I see that." He stood, moved away from the desk, toward the door. "I'll let you get back to sleep." He had almost reached his destination when Rodney spoke.

"I wouldn't, you know...I wouldn't do that."

"I know."

"Really, I wouldn't leave you there. It's never going to happen."

"You're going to die someday."

"Of course I am, don't be ridiculous, the universe hates me! I mean, not like that…I wouldn't do that…"

"I know. I guess I just..."

"No, I know. I get it, trust me, I get it. It's just, you should know, you're never going to find me like that."

John sat down again, on the desk, arms crossed as if in protection. "I already did."

Rodney's eyes searched the impassive face. "It wasn't real."

"I don't know, it still seems real to me. I can still…" He breathed in deeply, trying to chase away the images. "I can see it, see you." He pointed to his head. "It's in there and it seems so damn real, it's like it happened and I just…I woke up and I thought it had…"

"I know what you mean...no matter how many times you come back to life…I'm still stuck with the memories of when you were dead, or at least when I thought you were."

They sat silently, for the umpteenth time that day, before John came to a conclusion. "We're stupid fucks." Pretty good conclusion to reach, he thought.

Rodney's head snapped up, surprised and a little bit insulted. "And why is that?"

"We put up with all the bad scar you for life crap and we never reap the benefits…what Ronon said…it's true you know."

"It's easier to walk away."

"How is it that a guy who's been alone for seven years handles this better than we do? It's stupid, this being friends thing, we're going about it all wrong."

"How's that? I thought we were doing ok…I mean, it's fun, isn't it? We have fun…" He was getting slightly nervous. Was he? Was he being…dumped, in some strange, unromantic and asexual way?

"Sure, we hang out, get into more trouble than is humanly possible. It's fun, you're fun, but it's all a little...it's too little. I know you like I know my jumper. I know how you work, where you are most of the time, how far I can push you. I know you'll be there in a flash, get me out of most tight spot and I trust you. I just don't know what it's like for you. That's stupid! We get all the damn hardship and none of the benefits! Jesus, we're always fucking alone, you know? It shouldn't be like that!"

"Everybody's alone." He didn't want to, but he had to believe it.

"No! See, that's the problem, right there! We shouldn't be! After all that crap I should have the right to barge in here and sit on your damn desk if I want to! You shouldn't say a damn thing about it! You should just sit there and take it! You –" he stopped when Rodney held his hand up.

"Please take note of the present situation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you not sitting on my desk, sitting on the paper I'm working on but I'll let that slide, and am I not sitting here taking it?" Of course he did the air quotes, he always did the air quotes.

John loved the air quotes. "Ok, fine. Point is, it shouldn't be stupid for me to be here!"

"It's not. You thought I was dead, you came to check, end of story. It's quite flattering actually that you would risk ridicule to assure yourself of my safety. I'd even go as far as say it's quite…sweet…"

"Oh shut up!" John grinned, realising that Rodney understood. Of course he did. Rodney got it, Rodney got him, even if he didn't get much else that couldn't be read in a book or learned by oneself.

"Are we done here, I do have work to do tomorrow."

"Yeah, I've got pretending to work to do tomorrow."

"Right you are, my little military friend."

"Screw you."

"You wish. Now leave." He pointed at the door with an imperious finger.

John snorted and made his way to the door. He turned, just before palming the controls. He didn't speak, only looked at the man who stood at the foot of his bed, in old jeans and a ratty t-shirt. The man simply looked back. Very much alive.

The door closed, separating bodies. Thoughts intertwined as both men went back to bed to claim the last restful hours of the night.

Not too far away, Kate Heightmeyer whimpered in her sleep, assailed by images of long hours spent in Colonel Sheppard and Doctor McKay's company. One speaking too little, the other speaking too much; both saying remarkably similar things.

Fini!

(oh God, yes, one word, better than chocolate)

Thank you all very much for your kind and funny comments :) I've had fun, hope you had too, and it is a promise that in the next fic, no one dies...or cries :) Enough is enough! Good day to all!