Part 7

DONATELLO:

I looked at my niece, her head down low over the desk as she worked on the assignment I had given her. It had been two days since the school shooting and Elizabeth was being quieter than usual, she only talked to the others and me when she absolutely had to. What happened with Shredder and now this on top of all that I hoped that she would be okay.

"Done," she came up to my desk and set down the completed assignment.

"Good work, Lizzie. I think it's time for lunch, I wonder what Mikey has prepared for us," I wondered. She just shrugged and left the lab. I sighed loudly; the only one who was suffering by not talking was her.

"Cheese sandwiches and soup," Mikey replied to Leo's question.

"That sounds good, right, baby?" Raph asked Elizabeth. I was glad to see that Raph was taking an active role in trying to get her to talk more. This time though she ignored as she ate a sandwich and started writing in the journal she'd been carrying everywhere. Raph glanced at me, eye ridges raised in question.

"Let it go," I told him quietly, I knew he wouldn't be very happy with that, but we couldn't force her to do something she didn't want to do. She finished her sandwich and wandered away to settle herself on the couch to write some more before her practice session with Leo.

"How long is this gonna go on?" Raph demanded of me.

"I don't know, Raph," I replied.

"What ya mean ya don't know!" Raph glowered at me.

"Just that; I don't know. I've done the research on this and they are all different, there is no precedent for how she should behave. I figure that when she wants to talk she will and not before. Pushing and trying to force her to isn't going to do any good, in fact it could make her worse." I looked over at her sitting on the couch. She looked so alone and her own mind maybe she was, maybe we could never truly understand what was going on with her.

LEONARDO:

I stood up from the table and went over, she looked up at me.

"Let's go to the dojo," I told her. She put the small journal and pen into her pocket and together we headed to the dojo.

"Today I'm just going to let you practice on this," I patted the shoulder of the dummy on its stand. She stared at it for a moment and then at me, confusion clouded her eyes. I understood why, it was rare for me to allow her to just do something like this; I stepped back from the dummy.

"Go ahead," I invited. She shrugged on shoulder and then turned back to the dummy and kicked it hard in the general region of the groin. I watched her carefully; Don had said not to allow her to do certain things for fear that the stitches might come loose. Other than that I just let her have at it and she did, pounding away with her uninjured fist and kicking it with enough force to seriously hurt a living person. And then she did something I hadn't been expecting she threw herself at the dummy, bearing it to the floor with her own weight where she continued to beat it. Kneeling on top of it she buried her fist up to the wrist in the stomach and then she went completely nuts on dummy. I decided it was time to call a halt.

"Elizabeth, that's enough," I told her. She didn't seem to hear me because she was so engrossed in her assault of the hapless dummy.

"Elizabeth!" I said more sharply. Her fist stopped in midair and she looked up at me and blinked once, her eyes cleared and she stared back down at the dummy.

"What…?" She slowly got to her feet.

"Sorry, Uncle Leo," she said tonelessly as she stared at her feet.

"Hey," I waited for her to look at me.

"That's what I wanted you to do, feel better now?" I asked. She shrugged and instantly she seemed to have closed herself off again. I sighed, but I wasn't really surprised, I should have known better than to expect a short session with Punchbag Paul to solve all her problems. I decided to let her go early today and she left without another word. Raph and I always seemed to be at odds, but one thing we silently agreed on was getting Elizabeth back.

MICHELANGELO:

We were all going out of our way to make sure that Elizabeth was okay, that she knew we were there for her. I sat down on the couch next to her.

"Want to play a game with me?" I asked her. She didn't even look at me when she shook her head. Continuing to write in that journal as if I wasn't even there. I had been wondering what she was writing about, but unless she wanted me to know I guess it wasn't any of my business. She wrote as if she was possessed, wherever she went the journal went with her.

"Come on, I got a new game here," I tried to persuade her. She completely ignored me this time.

"Michelangelo, it is time for you and your brothers to practice," Splinter said to me.

"Oh, sorry, Sensei," I said as I stood up and followed him out.

RAPHAEL:

I was distracted, I wasn't sure what annoyed me more the fact that I was letting myself get so easily distracted or that no one else seemed to mind when I fouled up during practice. Ever since that shooting had happened she had gotten much worse, it was subtle but even I could see it. Don't get me wrong, I was relieved and so thankful when she came back that night alive. It was the first time since we rescued her from Shredder that she had cried. Her words hadn't made much sense to me. She had mumbled something about Hannah being her only friend and now her friend was dead. I had held her and comforted her and told her it wasn't her fault. I don't think she believed me. The next morning she had acted as though nothing had happened.

"I think you should take a break, my son," Splinter told me.

"I don't need a break," I said.

"No, but we need a break from you," Mikey kidded. I glared at him, a low growl building in my throat.

"Splinter's right, Raph. You're not focused and that's the way to cause yourself or one of us an injury. Take a short time out and come back when you're refreshed." Leo said. I wanted to argue with him; that's just me, but I knew he was right and for once I backed down and let him have his way. I went and sat by the edge of the mats and watched my brothers practicing. I was so lost in thought that he didn't even know it when Elizabeth sat down next to him, I looked over at her and the first thing I noticed was the ever present journal in her lap that she held in a white knuckled grasp. I saw Splinter glance in our direction and he had a half smile on his face as if he knew something important was about to happen, but then he turned back to instructing the others. I didn't know what to say to her…I didn't know what she wanted me to say to her. Then suddenly, as if she was afraid she might change her mind she almost threw the Journal at me, leaped to her feet and ran out. I stared after her, but made no move to follow. I picked up the journal and looked at it stupidly, what was I meant to do with it?

"You are meant to read it, Raphael," Splinter said, as if reading my mind.

"But I-" I started, as Splinter sat down beside me.

"A few days ago Elizabeth came to me; she told me that she could not tell you anything she found it to hard. I suggested that she keep a journal and write everything in it and when she was finished to allow you to read it. It seems as though she has taken my advice," Splinter said. I looked again at the journal I now held.

"Master Splinter, I don't know if I can," I said quietly.

"Hmm…stand all that to be done to her and yet stand to read about it you cannot?" Splinter asked, getting straight to the root of my problem. I swallowed hard and tried to avoid Splinters eyes.

"You want to understand, or at the very least make an effort to understand. How can you if you do not even try, Raphael?"

"That isn't what I meant, at least not totally," I muttered.

"Maybe this is why she chose to write it instead of telling you in person. She did not want to see the look on your face. I see disgust, not for her it is for what they did to her, but she could well think that it is for her. Is that what you want her to see when your daughter looks at you, Raphael?" Splinter asked me. My brothers were pretending that they weren't listening in, but I knew them.

"Of course not, it is hard to explain just what I'm feeling I wouldn't even know where to begin," I said.

"Perhaps you and Elizabeth are not so different after all," Splinter stood up and went back to teaching my brothers. I sat there for another moment, knowing that Splinter was right; he always was, I decided that I would need privacy to read the journal. I headed for my room and settled myself in a battered armchair, for a long moment I just stared at the book. I opened to the first page and started to read.

Elizabeth's journal:

Splinter said I should keep a journal and then give it to dad. I know I told Splinter that I didn't really know what to say to him, I don't think I know what to write down either. It's just complicated and trying to find the right words to say or write is hard. I don't even know where to begin.

I mean what does dad want to know? Every time I close my eyes I can see his face, hear his voice in my head and no one knows what that's like. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm safe here with them. Dad told me that before ages ago and it happened again, so how can I believe them when they say that to me? How can they be so sure that he won't find me again? I'm terrified that he'll come get me again and there'll be nothing I can do to stop him. I want to find somewhere and just hide there forever, but it doesn't matter cos no matter where I hide he'll still find me no matter what I do.

I turned to the next page, having made a decision to read it now I could not change my mind even though I wanted to.

I really don't want to write this, if I don't write it then maybe it won't be true. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

I guess I'd better put something in here; otherwise it's just going to be a load of blank pages which isn't going to do much.

Uncle Mikey asked me to go get the pizza for dinner. I think they got me on the way there, I can't really remember. All I know is that I woke up somewhere and I was blindfolded and couldn't see anything. I heard his voice and I hoped that I was just having a nightmare, but I wasn't. He told me that my training was about to start and that I was going to need my energy. I didn't know what he meant, but I knew I wasn't dreaming.

Later on he told me that they wouldn't know that I was gone because he'd sent someone who was identical to me to take my place and that I was going to be with him a very long time. I didn't want to believe him, I wanted to come home.

He never let me sleep, every time I tried someone would wake me up and they'd start all over again. He

And she had just stopped writing there. I stared at the page, wondering what she had been about to say. I flicked to the next page and continued reading.

I don't want to write about it anymore than I want to talk about it, but Splinter says it'll help.

He put his fingers in me and then he

You told me once that sometimes guys rape women, you tried to tell me why they did it, but I don't think even you knew why they did.

He raped me and then someone else, I lost count, there were so many and I didn't want to know anymore. When they were done they shoved something in me and it hurt more than anything else they had done before that.

When he came back a while later he use something sharp on me and I could feel him shoving it in and out of me. I could feel the blood running down my legs. When he was done he used the knife to cut me all over and hit me with a whip I think. He did that for a long time or at least it felt like a long time.

Raph paused in his reading to wipe at his eyes. He knew all this already, Don had told him, but somehow it was different hearing; or reading, it from her.

Then he started burning me with something. Just pressing whatever it was to me and letting it stay there until it cooled. He kept choking me with something and just as I was about to pass out he'd stop and a moment later he'd do it again.

He cut me across my stomach with the claw on his hand.

Someone was cutting me with a knife and I could feel the pain, but I didn't care anymore.

Then I saw Uncle Mikey and I thought I was dreaming. He wanted to leave and go get Uncle Donnie, but I didn't want him to go and when he stayed I knew I was dreaming that he was really here with me. I could see the look in Uncle Donnie's eyes and I figure I looked pretty bad, all I knew was that you were here and that he wouldn't be coming back anymore.

Uncle Mikey stole my book, I hate when he does things like that, he thinks he's so funny.

I wanted to go home, but Uncle Donnie wouldn't let me. I guess I passed out or something cos the next thing I remembers is waking up in the infirmary and Uncle Donnie and April was there. He told me that nothing bad was going to happen now and I believed him.

When I woke up again you was there and Uncle Donnie was shining something in my eyes. I kept falling asleep though, every time I woke up someone was always there and I felt safe, cos I knew you wouldn't let nothing happen to me.

Raphael smiled slightly at those words, as afraid as she was at the time she had trusted that no harm would come to her if her family could prevent it.

You made me go back to school and I didn't want to, I wanted to stay home with you cos I'm safe here. Someone started shooting and all I could think that he had come back for me and Miss Hart got me and Hannah and a boy out but there was more people waiting outside and they started shooting at us to. I just lay on the floor afraid to move and when I asked Hannah if she was okay she had no face anymore. And Miss Hart had been shot so I tried to help her but I left her in the hallway by the door, I knew that someone would come and help her. I had to go back to try and help more people, cos that's what we do right? We supposed to help other people. So I went back but all I could find were people who were already dead and I went into the lecture hall and I found one of them in there with some others that were smaller than me and he was going to shoot them all. So I told him that I'd stay with him and he could shoot me instead if he let them go. He said ok and I talked to him for a while. He shot himself but before he did he said he wanted them to listen to him cos his parents never listens to him. I tried to stop him from shooting himself, but I was to far away and I couldn't move fast enough. His name was Jake.

I snuck out so that no one would see me cos I wanted to be alone for a while. What Jake had said made me think. He said his parents never listened to him. You and everyone else here are always willing to listen to me, no matter what you're doing you always make time for me.

Raphael wiped hard at his eyes, his daughter was sure good at making him cry.

I know I could have been hurt by going back there, dad. But I had to cos if I didn't some more people would have died and that makes me responsible to. I remember that poem that Uncle Donnie thought me in history class written by Pastor Martin Niemöller, it's called 'First they came for the Jews'

First they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out

Because I was not Jew.

Then they came for the Communists, and I did not speak out

Because I was no Communist

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out

Because I was not a trade unionist

Then they came for me, and there was no one left

To speak out for me.

If I did nothing then I would have been just as responsible as the ones who had the guns.

Uncle Leo says that ninja are brave and strong. I don't feel brave or strong. I'm so scared and all I want to do is curl up and cry cos I feel so alone and that no one wants to listen to me; even when they say they do. I want to be a ninja but maybe I'm not meant to be cos I'm so afraid and ninja aren't afraid. Ninja don't get scared and they don't cry and scream when someone hurts them, like I do. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do.

When he kept choking me I prayed that he'd just let me die, I was so scared I just wanted it to stop and I thought that would only happen if I died. I don't want to die anymore, but I don't know if I want to live either. And that's what still scares me so much.

I don't know what else you want me to write here so I think I'll just stop now.

I closed the journal and sat for a long moment. Now that I knew what was going on in her head, or at least I think I understood. I tucked the journal away in the dresser and left my room. I found her in the living room sitting on the couch pretending to watch TV with Mikey. I knew she was watching me as I came over and sat next to her. She glanced at me and I could see the uncertainty in her eyes, not sure what I was thinking now that I had read her journal.

"Just because someone tells you something doesn't necessarily mean it's true," I said. She was listening to me now and so was Mikey and of course Leo, Don and Master Splinter chose that moment to come into the room. My attention was on Elizabeth.

"I'll let ya in on a little secret; sometimes I'm afraid when I go into a fight. It doesn't mean I ain't a ninja,"

She turned away from me then and mumbled something that I couldn't hear; I grabbed her chin gently but firmly and turned her to face me again.

"I ain't lyin ta ya. Just cos yer scared and ya don't mean ya ain't a ninja,"

"Uncle Leo say ninja brave," she whispered.

"Yeah and they are, but there are different definitions of that word. Ya didn't give inta the Shredder no matter what he did ta ya. Ya went back to stop that kid from shooting anyone else. Far as I can see that makes ya brave," I told her. She shook her head.

"Yeah, I don't know if I coulda done it," and I honestly didn't. I was still holding her chin and I could feel her lip trembling and see the tears in her eyes.

"Ya think that just cos we're older and physically stronger than you that makes us any less afraid?" I asked.

"You are," she whispered.

"We ain't. Yer confused right now and I can understand that. If the Shredder had done to me what he's done to you then I'd probably want to die and that is definitely not a lie." At this she ducked her head and when she looked up at me again I knew I'd finally gotten through to her. Tears spilled from her eyes and she didn't seem to care.

"But…" she took a deep shuddering breath.

"I'm so scared, daddy," she whispered. I finally relented and pulled her against me.

"I know you are, baby," I told her. I felt her whole body tremble and she finally allowed herself to cry about everything. I waved my family away and they gave us the privacy that we needed, Don returned with a box of tissues and then he disappeared again. She huddled against me, her body wracked with sobs. When she was done she fell into a fitful sleep and I let her rest, staying right with her.

Over the next few days she continued to cry at strange times.

She was playing the new game against Mikey and he beat her and she just started bawling.

In the dojo Leo was teaching her a new move and she got it down almost perfectly and she started crying.

In class with Don she was struggling with some math problem and she just broke down and cried like a baby.

All my family were very supportive during this time. Mikey knew that it wasn't because he had beaten her and that she probably would have done the same thing if it had gone her way. I have to admit that Leo had been a bit surprised when he praised her and she started crying, but my bro had stepped up to the plate and let her cry all over him. Don hadn't been all that surprised when she had done it in class and he had held her as she cried her heart out. Don had told me after all that once she let down the wall that she had put up around herself she was going to be very fragile and have a tendency to cry at the strangest times so we were kind of expecting it.

After a few weeks though she settled down a little, although she sometimes cried occasionally. I knew she was still scared and confused, but hopefully with all of our help that would pass. Time would tell

The End.