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Chapter 4

Natalie left the police station and walked over to her car, she got a strange feeling come over her, a feeling of being watched and she turned around to see if anyone was there, she turned back around and shook her head. "Just my imagination again" she told herself out loud as she got in her car and drove to Llanfair.

John watched her walk to her car and get in, prior to that she seem to turn for some reason and he paid no mind to it. He smiled as he saw her car drive off, he continued to stay just staring into space when Dr Crosby started walking towards him with a smile of his own on his face.

"So" Crosby said looking at his smile, even Crosby's appearance couldn't get him to break the mood, the happy mood he was in, the happy mood she put him in by being back.

"So what?" John answered him a bit snide but still never a fading smile

"Just wondering how come you're so happy all of a sudden Lt."

"You know why and I'm not going to let all your questions change my mood "

"Very good Lt. you really have made some progress, haven't you?" Crosby continued to smile at John, John looked at him this time, he laughed slightly.

"So are you going to tell her, tell her what you've admitted in our sessions, in our talks?"

"I don't believe this is a schedule session doc, actually don't believe I'm ordered to talk to you any longer Crosby, so you'll just have to go on being curious now won't you?" John told him chucking a bit and walked away from him.

Natalie sat outside of Llanfair nervous, really nervous, she debated ringing the doorbell, she debated running away, she debated even going back to Philly. She was nervous cause she hadn't really heard from her family in a while, she didn't know how anybody was, Rex had tried to mention a few things that were going on but she stopped him before he even mentioned anything, if they hadn't cared enough to keep her in the loop then she didn't want to know anything about what was going on in their lives. She turned about to walk away when the door opened and Jessica carrying a baby girl started walking towards her.

"Jess" Natalie said as she approached her and the baby.

"Wrong, now get out of my way" Tess told Natalie, Natalie realized as soon as she opened her mouth who it was, that it wasn't Jess, it was Tess.

"Nope, not going anywhere and neither are you" she told Tess. Tess was about to open up her mouth but the baby started crying, and crying very loudly. Natalie watched as Tess kinda freaked, she got all nervous about the baby and started to move around quickly to get her to stop, but the baby didn't.

"What's her name?" Natalie asked and Tess was reluctant to answer but did anyways, the crying was going right to her head and it was starting to hurt.

"Kayla"

"Can I hold her?" Natalie asked almost afraid that Tess was either going to say no or that she was going to run with her but instead Tess handed her over.

Natalie held Kayla, the baby started to calm from all the screaming she was doing as Natalie touched her face.

"Now that's she calm lets go inside and talk, and don't tell me no" Natalie told her, Tess who was in the process of being integrated did what Natalie told her.

Natalie spent most of the day at Llanfair, she got to see most everyone, they all apologized for not coming to see her graduation and even for keeping in touch, her mom even explained to her how bad things were with Jess' integration and that since Natalie seem to be doing so well they just didn't want her to feel guilty for not being here. Vicky had gone on to tell her about everything, all the issues with Kevin and Kelly, Antonio, Nash, even things about Dorian and her dad, things that she just couldn't believe, all screwed up things that she couldn't believe happened in only six months that she was gone.

After catching up for quite a few hours Natalie said goodbye to everyone and told them she'd see them tomorrow, she left Llanfair and drove towards Rodi's. She was feeling nervous, nervous about playing pool with him, she thought. That was just ridiculous, she was never nervous when it came to pool, she pulled up at Rodi's and realized she was almost a half an hour late.

John had been sitting in a back booth waiting for Natalie since way before seven, they were suppose to meet at Seven to shoot some pool but he was so excited about it, about them spending some time together that he got there early. He kept looking at his watch, she was almost a half hour late and it was fading, fading quickly, his optimist, his smile from earlier, the one that had been on his face all day since he saw her. He was just about to get up and leave when he saw her rush into the bar; she went up to the bartender and spoke to him for a few minutes as she looked around trying to find him.

John got up the minute she ran into the bar in a rush, he walked closer to her when he saw her turn and see him.

"You ready to play?" he asked her as he saw her smile.

"I'm sorry I'm late, I'm ready if you are," she told him and they started walking towards the table, they played three or four games before they decided to take a beer break. They sat in the back booth and just talked, talked about nothing at all, but every word the other spoke was the utmost of importance. John had asked how things went with her family and he could see she almost wanted to cry with the question.

"I'm, sorry, was it that bad"

"No, well.. Yes, NO, it's just.. Things are badly screwed up, really screwed up, I mean..Tess is in charge of a six month old baby that she can't handle, Mom has been morphing back into Nicki smith at times, my brother Kevin is a drunken, Kelly left him, and get this. Well you may already know this, my dad; he's seeing Dorian Lord. What the hell is he thinking? I've only been gone six months and it's like all hell broke loose, My mom apologized for not being there for me, for not telling me anything was going on and she explained it was for me, what they thought was best for me, and you know what? I think they may have been right, I wouldn't have stayed and finished up school if I would've known all of this shit was happening, I would've come back and not been able to help anyways. " Natalie said all that rambling on, and on, and John just listened carefully, listened to every beautiful sounding word that came out of her mouth.

"I think I'm so much better off in Philly, not sure I could've, can handle all of this" Natalie told him and she saw his face drop for the first time tonight.

"John?" she questioned his sudden change in attitude

"Do you really think that? That you're better off in Philly than home here?'

"I.. I don't know.. I mean.. I was just saying that, I think I just meant that things are a mess right now so, maybe I'm better off not being here to deal with it, I'm just not as strong as I was back then John"

"That I don't believe," he told her as he started the staring, as if to stop her from doubting herself, doubting his wisdom on her. Natalie blinked at first as the blue met blue but then steadied her eye's to stay focused and straight ahead on him.

John watched as her eyes looked into his soul, they didn't speak for a few minutes and then he mumbled out loud what he was thinking in his head.

"Man, I missed those eye's" he said out loud and never even realized he said it to her. Natalie smiled at seeing that he didn't know that he spoke.

"I've missed yours too," she said softly and for a moment he got confused but then.. Then he just didn't care about the confusion, he got up out of his seat, she stood, he walked closer, he brought his hand around her waist and was about to kiss her hard, just like he use to, just like he had been dreaming about all these months, he moved in closer, Natalie wet her lips in anticipation and then they were yet again interrupted.

"Excuse me, excuse me" the waitress said as she had a feeling she was interrupting. John took his hand off her waist realizing for the first time that they weren't alone, that they were in a public spot; they had been so tuned into each other that they both forgot for a few minutes.

"Are you Natalie?" the waitress asked as both John and Nat gave her a look of annoyance.

"Yeah, why?"

"I was told to give this to you" the waitress told her and she handed her a glass of red wine.

"What?" Natalie asked sharply as she got edgy.

" A man asked me to give this to you" the waitress answered, seeing the intensity in Natalie build up.

"What man? Where is he? What did he look like?" Natalie asked as she canvassed the bar with her eye's looking for someone strange to stand out, anyone to stand out, this was getting weird, really weird. John saw her seriousness and he listened closely as the waitress answered her questions.

"I.. I'm not sure what he looks like, this.." the waitress went behind the bar as Nat and John followed. The girl took out a note on a napkin; there was also a twenty-dollar bill with the napkin.

"I found it on the bar a few minutes ago"

"Do you remember anyone, what the man that was here before you found the note looked like?" the waitress said no.

"Nat, what's going on?" John questioned as he saw her pick up her cell phone and start dialing.

'It's probably nothing but I need to make sure" she told him as she held the phone to her ear waiting for an answer.

'Hey"

'Hey babe, I'm glad you called, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted in my office this morning"

"Jake, that isn't why I called, I just had a question about Bison, is he still in put away safe and sound?" she asked Jake as John stood a few feet away, he listened to her first words and wondered what this Jake thought she had called about.

'He's still in Jail, why? What's up? Is something wrong?" Jake asked her on the phone.

'Okay, thanks, No nothing is wrong, just being paranoid"

'Are you sure? Not like you to be paranoid without reason"

'I'm fine Jake, talk to you soon" she said and hung up the phone before he even got a chance to say goodbye. She looked up and saw John still staring at her, she walked a little closer and started to open her mouth but her phone rang. She stared into his eyes for a brief second before she looked away and answered her phone.

"I told you I was fine" she said nastily into the phone, maybe she shouldn't have answered it but she knew he wouldn't stop calling it till she did, and if she turned it off, he might think something was wrong and come here, she definitely wanted Jake to stay in Philly.

John again listened closely to her words, her conversation to this Jake person on the phone.

"I just got a weird feeling, something didn't add up, there is no problem, I promise, I would tell you if there was something to tell"

"Natalie we need to talk about us"

"I know, when I get back, I promise you we'll talk when I get back"

"Why can't we talk now? Are you with someone? Are you with John?"

"Jake, I thought I made it clear I don't want to talk about this now, when I get back"

"Are you coming back Natalie?'

"Of course I'm coming back, my life is there isn't it, my work" Natalie told Jake in the phone as she turned and walked away from John briefly.

"He is there, with you isn't he?"

"Stop being so paranoid Jake, It's been a long day for me, you are acting like a jealous boyfriend or something"

"Maybe that's because I am!" Jake shouted into the phone, actually he shouted so loud John could hear him loud and clear, John had followed behind her when she had walked away a few minutes ago. She knew he was behind her but she was really trying to calm Jake down so that he would know she was all right.

"Jake, please, when I get back home, we'll discuss everything, everything, you and I, how we want to proceed with things when I get back to Philly"

John heard her call Philly home, his day long smile was being deflated and fast, then he heard her say something about them discussing how to proceed, he saw her get a stubborn face on and he again listened closely.

"You are with him aren't' you? Are the two of you in bed right now?"

"Good God Jake, you're being an ass! I'm not in bed with him, I'm not in bed with anyone and even if I was.. It's none of your business! We are not in Love remember" Natalie screamed at him into the phone before even realizing that she was tipping her hand, John now knew about Jake, Jake always knew of John. She had wanted to so avoid this, avoid the fear that she knew would come with this situation.

"You may not be in Love Natalie but I am!" Jake screamed so loud this time Natalie had to pull the phone from her ear or she might go deaf.

"When are you coming home?" Jake asked softly as he realized his temper got the better of him.

"In a week, I'm sorry, we can talk then, don't worry so much, good night" Natalie told him as she was about to hang up.

"Be careful" Jake told her

'You too' she replied, hung up the phone and turned to John, who was staring at her back.

Nat studied his eye's for a few minutes, as he studied hers, it was gone, the brightness that was there earlier in each of their eye's, it was gone. They both knew the happiness the joy of seeing each other today may have been over.

John finally got up enough nerve to asked the question he wanted to ask but before he asked it she answered it.

"He's sort of my boyfriend, he wasn't happy I was coming back, he's not to happy that I can't open up to him, not particularity happy that I don't love him the way he loves me. It was suppose to be casual, this thing between us, nothing more than that but somewhere along the way.. It became more for him but not for me," she told him as she opened it all up for him; she was probably more open than she ever was.

" I think I need some sleep, this opening up thing is exhausting," she said trying to make a bit of a joke. John didn't laugh, he just studied her eyes, and he thought, he thought as without words they moved outside in the parking lot to leave.

"Let me drive us back to the hotel, you seemed pretty freaked back in there, what was that all about?"

"Nothing really, probably just something stupid, I thought maybe the red wine thing had t o do with a case we just finished but the guy is still in Jail so I was freaked for nothing"

'Are you sure it was nothing?" John asked as he unlocked her side of his car. Natalie just ignored the question of her being sure it was nothing, as much as she would have loved to tell him she was sure there just was something about what happened tonight that bothered her, and she just couldn't put her finger on it. Nat chose to ignore it for now.

Natalie took a seat in his car and automatically got comfortable in the seat, she put her head back against the seat and closed her eye's briefly for a few seconds, she was exhausted, and she hadn't been sleeping well the past few weeks, hell the past few months, hell the past six months. John saw her eye's start to flutter as he started to drive, he smiled, she always fell asleep in the car, they had taken a few car rides to Ac and stuff awhile back, a long time ago actually and she always almost fell asleep the minute her head moved back on the seat. He continued to see her fighting it; she was so stubborn, still so very stubborn.

"Don't fight it, sleep, I'll carry you in when we get to the hotel"

"No way Mcbain, you're not carrying me anywhere, I can stay awake, the hotel is just a few blocks away'

"You're almost asleep Natalie, don't be so stubborn, give in to it" he told her as he moved his arm over towards her, he drove with one hand and used his other to pull her close to him on the seat.

Natalie was really tired but then, then she felt his hand on her, pulling at her waist to move her closer to him, although she was waking up, waking up filled with.. with.. What was the word she was searching her brain for, a word that meant she wanted him; she longed for him, to hold him, to touch him, to.. to.., she shook her head clear, clear of what it was about to tell her. She decided that maybe it was best to be asleep, pretend to be asleep, then she wouldn't be tempted, she laid her head on his chest as he drove, he pulled his arm in around her even tighter and held her as he drove with one hand.

John felt it, it was unbelievable, it felt unbelievable to have her in his arms again, well his arm to be exact but none the less his arm was around her and she was resting on his chest, she seemed to be asleep and he brought his hand up to her face, he caressed it gently with the back of his hand as they approached the hotel. He turned off the car but didn't move he wanted to stay this way a bit longer.

Natalie had been awake this whole time, she felt him hold her tighter as if not wanting to let go, she felt his hand on her cheek, and then she knew they were at the hotel and she felt him stay in spot just holding her, she heard his words, the words he spoke thinking she was asleep.

"You don't realize how afraid I've been, afraid to Love you." John said as he smoothed her hair back on the top of her head, he looked at her beauty and he smiled, he smiled and saw her open her eye's, she stared back at him for only a second and then she moved herself up in his lap, she crawled herself over and up on his sitting position in front of the steering wheel of his car.

Natalie straddled him as she saw the look in his eye's, look of shock or was it something else, a look of longing to be touched that was mirrored in the blue, longing to touch each other, she didn't hesitate, she moved in with her mouth and her tongue and she kissed him. He was startled at first, for a second he almost thought she was dreaming, but then he heard her, her words and he knew he wasn't dreaming, this was real, so real, it was them, fear and all.

"Kiss me John, Kiss me long and hard like you use to" she said and he wasted not time analyzing it, he pounced on her lips long, long and hard just how she always liked it, just how she always wanted it, just how she still wanted and liked it.