Because of you

Ron,

Will you ever know how much you mean to me?

Will you ever know how much I love you?

I guess you think I hate you, just because we fight all the time.

Ha. I wish. I wish it was that easy to just erase you, to get you out of my mind. It certainly is not. I wish I didn't have to feel this way. But yet again, I love it. I love loving you even if it hurts a lot sometimes.

I used to lie to myself for too long.
I used to fight my feelings for too long.
Now, I know I was wrong, but it's too late now.

At the beginning, I just comforted myself by saying I hated you. But hate is so close to love. And suddenly I found myself falling hard for you. And now, I'm in love with you.

It seems like ages ago, when I was free from you. I tried to free myself, believe me, I did. But it just didn't work. For the first time in my life, my precious books can't help me, no one can.

Krum was nothing. He meant nothing to me, I felt nothing touching him, hugging him, dancing with him. I just kept smiling because I had to… I just accepted to go with him to the Yule Ball to show you that I was a girl after all, and to make you jealous… For a minute I thought I succeeded but a couple of days later, everything was once again, exactly the way it used to be. For you I was once again your best friend, only.

I know that just a year ago I was the one talking about independence and that we don't necessarily need men in order to succeed, to feel whole. Well, I was proved wrong.

When my parents died I thought I would either get crazy or die myself. But that night you just sat beside me and looked into my eyes. You didn't say you were sorry, you knew how much I disliked when people said that to me. You said the most simple phrase in the world, "It will be ok". And I just believed you. Because it was you who said it would be ok and it had to be ok, because you said it.

You are the only person who can make me believe anything without any proof at all.

You were my support, without you I would have fallen. You're the reason I'm still here. Because of you, I keep fighting for the war, my war, Harry's war, everybody's war.

I love you and I can't help it.
But what's more, I love you and you simply don't care.

And the funny thing is I don't know why I want you so badly. It must be for lots of different reasons.

I love your smile, even if most of the times; it's not directed to me, the sparkle in your eyes every time you are up to something, your soft voice, the way you move, the way you laugh… The way your do everything is just lovely, adorable, perfect… You are perfect.

But I think the reason I fell in love with you so deeply is because every time you talk to me, you hug me, you're with me, I feel protected, safe at last. Maybe Harry is everyone else's hero, but you're mine. And not in the way Harry is a hero. But in a better and more special way.

You know, every time I go to bed, I promise myself that I will get over you, that the next day will be a new one and I won't need you in order to keep myself alive, I won't want you so much, I won't love you so desperately.

But I wake up and every morning just a glimpse of you is enough to make me change my mind immediately, to fail dismally. And without wanting to, I think to myself, how could I ever give up on someone like you? Someone so… so… indescribable?

I've dreamt about kissing you. So many times. And it tasted like heaven. People say that we don't usually remember our dreams. I do. All of them. Because all of them are about you and my dreams are the only place where I can truly be with you, talk to you, confess in you without fearing that you will turn me down. You never do, in my dreams.

And then I wake up with a strange smile on my face. I feel happy for just one second. That's how much it takes for me to realise that it wasn't real, again. It never is.

But I don't ask so much as a kiss from you, I only ask for a hug. I need to feel you around me, I need you to make all this pain go away, to chase it away, just with your arms around me.

I don't think it's normal that every time I was with Krum, my head was full of you.

I'm so scared sometimes, of my actions, of my feelings, of my thoughts.

Of myself…

I'm scared now.

Can't you see that this love is tearing me apart, damaging me, killing me from the inside?

Don't you care at all?

I want you to be my rescuer. I want you to come here and protect me.

Can you do that for me?

Ron?

Can you?

Please?

Hermione.