Title: Inside Out
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 10k
Summary: Santana's back from Indiana for Senior year. She lived here five years ago, but there's something different about the place.
Warning: G!P
Notes: I've started a new fic, for some reason, and I'm totally involved in that but I'm slowing up on updates. Apologies but writers wall and all that. Especially after all these years.
/
Nothing about this feels right.
They haven't spoken in four days, and it's the longest they've gone without speaking which is entirely unsettling for Santana. Her body has literally vibrated with the restraint she put into not texting Brittany literally anything, just to know she was there. It's been like Brittany hasn't existed in Santana's world for the past four days and honestly, she doesn't think that she wants to live in a world like that because it's only trebled her existing agony and she's had to deal with that on top of Diego checking in on her every two minutes when she was home, and honestly, going to school seemed like the only way to handle everything.
But that comes with seeing Brittany, and Santana wants to more than anything, but she also knows nothing is the same so how the fuck is she supposed to react?
"Earth to Santana?" Quinn interrupts and Santana blinks away her thoughts, looking to her friend in the drivers seat. "You sure you're okay to be here?"
She told the blonde over the phone two nights ago what happened, and despite Quinn clearly agreeing with the (hopefully temporary) parting of ways, she was actually kind of sweet and told Santana that everything happens for a reason, and that there's obviously something between her and Brittany because they wouldn't have made it this far if there wasn't. It isn't just a lust and teenage hormones, and Santana's thankful that she opened up to her friend because actually hearing it out loud has cleared a couple of unanswered questions in her mind.
Like whether she's one hundred percent sure that Dani isn't the one for her.
How could she be when she's this damn hung up about ending something that didn't even start with Brittany, if she wasn't sure of that?
How else could she explain the tears she's cried, the angst she's felt and the many, many packets of tissues she's gone through whilst watching The Notebook for the hundredth time whilst relating to her current situation?
It's not like it was ever a doubt, but they say distance makes the heart grow stronger and it turns out that distance is only four days. Four days without any contact with Brittany and Santana feels like her world is falling apart, but she doesn't want to tell Quinn that. She doesn't want to be that honest with her, even though that's a little unfair. Quinn's unwillingly involved after seeing the spark that surges between them and updating her on the fact she wants to put the car in reverse and get the fuck out of here, just isn't cool because it puts her friend in a difficult position.
That's not what friends do, but Santana can't find it in herself to admit how damn nervous she is.
This day is already going to be too much.
So she pulls a half-smile across her face and clears her throat as she says, "For the last time, Fabray, yes. Let's go."
Quinn eyes her for a moment, but Santana swings her bag over her good shoulder as she hobbles out the car.
/
Everyone stares at her as she walks down the hall.
She can hear the whispers of oh my god, she's back and a few fellow classmates imitating gunshot sounds which right now, freaks Santana out a little but she knows she's going to have to get used to it. Teenagers are assholes at the best of times, and some are even celebrating that Figgins got wiped out which makes her feel sick to her stomach, but they'll never understand because they weren't there, and this event isn't going to go away completely anytime soon. It's the biggest thing that's ever happened to this damn town.
"What class have you got first?"
Quinn's warily eying the crowd, tightening her grip around Santana's good arm and it feels kind of nice. They've had some tumultuous times in their relationship, but Santana knows the foundations of their friendship are strong despite all the crap they've been through. All that Puck stuff is kind of in the past now, especially after he took a bullet for her and as a best friend, Santana can't really argue that he dived in front of the gun to save Quinn. That speaks more than any words ever could, so for now, Santana's good with those two.
But that's not really what she should be thinking about right now. She picks out her phone and flicks through her schedule on her phone, finding that Spanish class is first and fuck. The cold realisation of who she's partnered with in Spanish smacks her in the face and she knows that today is only going to get worse because she's got to dive into the deep end for first period.
"Shit," Quinn whispers, reading the screen over Santana's shoulder. "Do you want me to see if Mr Martinez will let me sit in with you?" She asks, biting her bottom lip as she meets brown eyes. "I can be your like, assistance animal."
For the first time today, Santana laughs. "Shut up, idiot," she retorts and continues down the hall, ignoring the stares. Another thing she's going to have to get used to. "I'll be fine," she breathes, and knows she says it more to convince herself. Maybe saying it out loud will help her. "It'll be fine."
Quinn seems to understand that she's only convincing herself, so just stays quiet as they walk to class.
For that, Santana's grateful.
(She might break otherwise.)
/
Dani's waiting for her outside Spanish class.
It's not what she needs right now, but she's gotta go with the plan of healing being number one priority, and after Brittany called off their thing – or whatever the hell it was – she's too messed up in the head to break up with Dani, as selfish as it sounds. Pretending is going to be easier for now, mostly because her dad has promised her he's going to be super tight on getting her better, and that means no after-school visits from Dani which might develop as regardless of injury, they're still hormonal teenagers.
Or at least that's the excuse Santana and Diego conjured up last night at dinner.
"Hey, babe," Dani greets, her brown eyes glistening as a smile tugs at her lips.
She's not in her Cheerios uniform and Santana notices immediately, cocking her head to the side as she takes in her girlfriend's outfit. She's only in jeans and a t shirt, and Santana takes a moment to admire her because she does love her – that's never been the problem. The problem is that she just feels this different energy with Brittany and thinks that it's something so strong that it needs to be focused on, and she knows she's in this for a little while longer.
Even though that doesn't feel like the right thing to do.
No, scratch that, it's not the right thing to do.
But all she can think about is her dad's words in her head about handling the pain she's inevitably going to deliver, and she needs to be in tip-top state to approach that situation. The least Dani deserves is a real explanation, and Santana knows it's not going to end well and she doesn't want Dani coveting her truths just because Santana's hurt. The girl's a good enough of a person to do that, and to be honest, Santana wants to be on the receiving end of a massive rant about how terrible of a person she is. A little punishment feels suitable, right now.
"Hey," she breathes, accepting the kiss her girlfriend gives her and following it with a smile. Her hand tightens around her backpack strap and she drops her gaze down to her girlfriends lack of Cheerio's labels. "How come you aren't wearing your uniform?"
"I asked Sue for some time off," Dani replies and grabs at Santana's good hand. "I want to help you get better."
For fuck sake.
Why can't Dani be a terrible girlfriend? What kind of person asks their coach for time off their one true passion, just to look after their girlfriend who was recently shot? Oh, yeah, a good girlfriend who obvious loves their girlfriend more than cheerleading, which for Cheerio, is like a huge thing. Although Santana knows Brittany would do that too but–No. This is the type of thing she needs to steer clear from because comparing the two will only drive her up the damn wall and the last thing she needs is to lose her mind. She's pretty sure it's already wandered off somewhere.
"That's so sweet," Quinn chimes in from the left. "Isn't it, Santana?"
It nudges her back into the conversation and out of the pit her mind was taking her down. Santana blinks rapidly and smiles weakly.
"That's kind of you, babe, thank you."
She sucks her lips in at the same moment an itch forms at the back of her skull, signalling that there's someone else here now before anyone else can say anything. It's the same itch that just made Santana's heart skip about three beats and the mere presence of said person, just restricted Santana's lungs to ten percent capacity. Brittany has a physical reaction to Santana's body and that's one of the many reasons why she knows she can't give up all hope on the girl.
How could she deny such a connection?
"Hey guys," Brittany sings sweetly, but Santana knows by the way her smile doesn't reach her eyes that it's all fake.
Clenching her jaw, she forces a smile and bobs her head instead of verbalising a greeting. Dani hugs her hello instead, and Quinn just grins awkwardly as a weird silence sets in. There's no urge to speak, and Santana knows she needs to revert the lack of conversation because right now she can't deal with Dani asking why there's tension, and honestly, if she did ask, Santana has no idea what she'd say back.
That she's falling for her girlfriend's best friend? That they just called it off – even though it wasn't really anything – and that they've fooled around and now nothing is the same and can't ever be again? There's no real way to phrase that, so anything else is a good choice. Literally, anything.
"Have you got Spanish, babe?"
Pleased for the question, Santana glances at her girlfriend and manages a smile. "Yeah."
She bobs her head alongside her words, but it's only when she thinks about the class, or rather who is in the class with her that her face drops. She quickly looks down, desperately trying to conceal the expression that passed over her, but Dani sees it and wraps her arm around her shoulders, quickly comforting her which makes her panic. But a split second later, she's hearing a question that's easing her and now all she's focusing on is not finding the blue eyes she can already feel burning into her head, because of course, the class is with the owner of said eyes.
"Is it your shoulder? Is it hurting?"
Well, it hurts all the time, but Santana can use this as an escape route. "Yeah, but it's manageable," she weakly replies. "We should get going to class."
Dani pinches her lips together and pulls one side of them up. "Britt's in your class right?" She asks because of course she'd know that; just in time to ask Brittany to walk Santana to class because her shoulder just hurt. Maybe she should've just said the pain was too much and gone to the nurse instead.
"Yeah," Santana weakly agrees, not seeing any other way out of this. She wants to talk to Brittany, but after the other night, she doesn't know what to say.
"Will you take her and look after her please, Britt?" Dani pleads, staring at the blonde who's chewing her bottom lip. Can't blame her for being uncomfortable, Santana's feeling the same, but it's not like Brittany can say no. How would she explain that?
"No problem, Dan," the blonde smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes again. "Let's go, Santana."
The lack of nickname doesn't go amiss, and Santana grits her teeth as she accepts the kiss her girlfriend presses to her cheek before wandering off down the hall, forcing a smile at Dani who spins away and disappears amongst the crowd. As expected, the journey is short but painfully silent to Spanish class and it's only when Mr Martinez smiles and waves them in that any words are spoken.
"We never did that assignment," Brittany whispers and memories of that night where they almost kissed flashes back to Santana. A softness settles in her chest, but it rapidly twists into a sharp reminder that those alone times can't happen anymore. The shooting changed everything and now it's ended up with Santana pining over her girlfriends best friend with no hope as to what's to come.
She doesn't even know how she's going to break up with Dani anymore, or when she's going to do it. Somehow Dani's become even more attached, probably due to the potential loss she could've suffered if Jacob had aimed the bullet a couple inches lower. The gunshot hasn't only just physically wounded her, but it's damaged Santana emotionally, too. Prior to the shooting, shit was fucked up but now it's trebled.
It's just a great time to be alive.
"Do you think he'll ask us about it?" She continues, hoping to bypass the memory quickly.
Brittany lingers though, her face flashing with sadness. Guess not. "I don't know," she says and pulls out both chairs when they get to their table.
It's a simple gesture, but Santana feels her heart bloom in reaction and knows she's going to have to kick herself out of this, still she gingerly perches on the chair and throws her bag down to the side, forgetting it's to her left and well, no chance she's getting anything out of there. Brittany sees the motion before she makes it, hand snapping out and removes all necessary bits from inside, spreading them out in front of Santana, who just freezes.
As much as she's enjoying the way the blondes skin is brushing over her own, it's making the hairs on her arm rise and that just goes on the list of things she's going to have to get under control. Although she's not sure how – her entire being just reacts when Brittany's around, and it seems her skin isn't the only thing that's caused by the touch because a gap tumbles out her mouth before she can stop it.
Luckily, Mr Martinez comes over to interrupt the weird moment, and Santana breathes a little lighter, thankful for the way she knows Brittany's looking at her because she just flinched at her touch is no longer there.
"Ladies," he draws, his voice deep and thickened by his accent. He presses his knuckles down on top of the desk and leans forward, grinning widely. "I have given you extra time for your assignments," older brown eyes flicker between the two. "It's only a few days, but I'm sure you'll be able to sort it out."
If it wasn't for the half-breakup they just endured – only half because it's technically just a pre-emptive stoppage – Santana would be over the moon at the suggestion, but right now it feels like a kick in the teeth. Sure, spending time with Brittany after school is an option, but due to the weirdness lingering and the fact they've barely spoken, it kind of makes her dread it. Maybe she can get Dani involved so it won't be weird, but she's also sure if Dani was there, it would be more weird. There's no way in hell her girlfriend wouldn't be able to see the tension if they were just alone together.
At least if she's with Brittany, she could like, try to make it normal.
But what is normal with them? Isn't it the way they were?
In which case, she's going back to it being unbearable. After the motel thing and the moment in Figgins office, there's no way in hell that wouldn't be the elephant in the room.
"Great," Brittany's the first to reply, her voice croaky and Santana, for the second time, flinches in reaction. Only a completely different way this time. "We'll get that done."
Santana has no idea if there's even a smidgen of hesitation from the other girl – she looks at her but she just can't tell – but she guesses this class is going to show whether this assignment thing is going to be an issue.
So instead of replying, she forces a not-really-there smile and opens up her notebook, desperately trying to ignore the distance between them.
/
Okay, so if that Spanish class was anything to go by, this whole assignment thing is going to be a major pain in the ass.
The entire hour they spent together, Brittany was basically clinging onto the side of the desk, as far away from Santana and in response, Santana felt herself shift over until they were as physically far apart as possible. There was minimal chat, only the necessary school-related conversation, and Santana spent the entire time watching the clock, counting the minutes that the blonde didn't speak to her and added it to her list of things she hates.
So, when the bell rings, relief floods through her chest, but Brittany's shooting up out of her place, ready to walk off until the name just spills from Santana's mouth even though she's pretty sure she didn't do it with conscious thought.
The blonde pauses, thumb hooked in her backpack and doesn't turn for a whole nine seconds. It's the longest damn nine seconds of Santana's life, but it gives her a fleeting moment to think of the next thing she's going to say. She didn't even mean to call the other girls name, but it was another natural reaction to Brittany walking away from her. She just didn't want her to leave.
"Could you help me pack my bag?"
It's weak, and later on, Santana will smack herself in the head because it was also super lame. Still, Brittany's golden and can't resist helping her, so she takes a deep breath and Santana watches her shove all the crap on her desk into her backpack and zip it up, then she's darting out the door before Santana can even think of another thing to say to her.
How the hell are they going to do an assignment together if they can't even be around each other properly?
Sighing loudly, she climbs to her feet and swings her backpack over her shoulder, keeping her head down as she ducks out into the hallway and looks left to right, hoping to catch the blonde head of hair that was speeding away only moments ago. Instead, brown eyes lock with another pair and Santana manages to whip out a smile as her girlfriend bounces over to her from where she was waiting by the lockers opposite the door.
"Hey, baby," Dani presses her lips to a tanned cheek and then pulls back, her face contorted with concern as she glances to the left, down the hallway. "Brittany left pretty fast," she comments and Santana's throat thickens. Shit. "Did something happen?"
"No," Santana almost spits out the response because no, technically nothing happened. That's the fucking problem. "Think what happened with Jacob just messed her up."
It's a reasonable response, but she still feels guilty for it, even if she isn't lying though. That whole incident has caused some serious mental issues with some of the students that were in the library that day and it was the cause of this whole fucked up love triangle between her, Dani and Brittany (well, at least the beginning of the end of it) so it's not untrue to assume that Brittany's in her head about it. Santana is too, just more focused on the messy triangle that the event led to, which is fucked up in itself but she's not going to bring herself to ask why.
There's enough going on.
"Weird," Dani adds and Santana brings herself back to the conversation, sucking in her lips and squeezing her girlfriends hand. She's not sure it's a solid enough reply, because there's clogs visibly ticking in her girlfriend's eyes as Dani's stare lingers down the hallway to where Brittany retreated.
"I'm sure it's nothing. Shall we go to Biology?"
It's the only thing that comes to mind, having quickly flicked through her class schedule in her mind and Dani shakes herself out of it, beaming a grin at Santana, seemingly losing her train of thought before they make their way down the hallway to their left.
Santana doesn't breathe any easier.
/
Another day goes by without further Brittany interaction, and Santana's sitting outside for lunch.
Despite the air still being chilly, she didn't want to spend her lunch cooped up inside because the school is giving her some unwanted feelings for a plethora of reasons, and Dani seemed to accept it without question, inviting Quinn along and turns out they'd created some weird bond whilst at the hospital together. Honestly, Santana doesn't know if that makes her feel better because Quinn would probably help her if push came to shove with the lies, but she also doesn't want to put the girl in any further uncomfortable situations.
Anyway, Santana pushes those thoughts to the back of her mind as her girlfriend and friend begin talking about the newest gossip in school – shit moves quickly at McKinley - and stares out at the field, watching a few Cheerios practise a routine, wondering if Brittany took a time out from them like Dani did after the shooting.
She isn't there, and that totally wasn't the (only) reason for coming out here to have lunch, but it was a bonus. She kind of hoped to get a look at the blonde from a distance because honestly, she's missing the crap out of Brittany and just looking at her for a bit, seeing her in her natural habitat smiling and shit would've made her feel a tiny bit better. Her life is majorly lacking blonde hair and blue eyes.
"Babe?"
The voice of Dani slaps her out her mind. She really hopes she wasn't thinking out loud. "Yeah?"
"I was just asking Quinn how Brittany's doing," Dani continues and due to the mention of a certain name, Santana's attention snaps to her girlfriend. "You had class with her yesterday."
Yeah, and it was fucking awkward.
"Yeah?" She repeats, unsure if there's a question there or whether it's a statement. Dani saw Brittany disappear down the hallway literally as the bell rang after all.
"And how was she?" Her girlfriend's eyes slide left and right, her voice slower like she's talking to a dumb person and Santana feels irritated by her expression. Still, she was so preoccupied for looking for Brittany on the field that she wasn't even listening to the conversation prior, and Quinn's giving her a wide eyed say something look like she knew where her mind was.
Wouldn't surprise her, she probably was staring and half of her is now panicking that Dani noticed.
Although Dani does kind of getting super involved when she's gossiping. Maybe she's as oblivious to that as she is to the situationship between Santana and Brittany.
"She was a little off, but so is everyone," Santana digs a response from the deepest part of her brain. It feels like she's been shot in the brain at this point because she's usually so quick to the mark and since the shooting, all ability to bullshit exquisitely completely removed.
Dani buys it at least, poking her lower lip out and shrugging at Quinn as if Quinn asked the question.
Wait, which would mean that Santana isn't the only one that Brittany's ghosting.
"You haven't talked to her?" Leaves her mouth before she can stop it. Dani's head snaps around and hazel eyes bug in response as Quinn shifts awkwardly in her seat.
But it's not the kind of awkward that Santana wants to see, because the short haired blonde is doing that patting down thing on the top of the fabric that sits on her thighs and Santana's seen that a million times before.
"No, I–Uh," Quinn clears her throat and heat blooms over Santana's skin. What doesn't she know? "Brittany's just… been busy."
It's bullshit, and those words nearly spill from her mouth but Dani jumps in before. "Busy with what? She's still in Cheerios, as far as I know, what else is she doing?"
Hazel eyes flicker to brown ones, holding them for a long moment and nothing needs to be said to know that whatever's coming is going to be something Santana's going to hate.
"She's just busy," Quinn repeats and there's a sudden hardness in her tone like she's irritated. "Go ask her if you're that interested."
Santana flinches at the way the words are hissed her way. Of all people, the blonde knows that wasn't the right thing to say and the urge to snap back burns strong, but Santana swallows it. It would reveal too much, and so she resists the kneejerk reaction to kick the bitch underneath the table and forces a sarcastic smile, cocking her head to the side with narrowed eyes. Quinn will get away with that this one time.
Only because Dani is right here.
"Okay, Quinn," she says through gritted teeth, putting on a genuine smile towards her girlfriend. Over her shoulder she sees Brittany bounce on to the field, hair pulled into a high pony and a huge grin on her face, and whereas she thought previously it'd make her feel better, it just sucker punches her in the gut instead.
She's sitting here, resisting the urge to slap Quinn for her remark, whilst trying to maintain a coolness her girlfriend won't see through, and now Brittany's over there, and it all feels too much. She takes in the way Brittany grins at the other Cheerios as they wave their pompoms, and she feels her good arm tense, fist clenching beneath the table, a shooting urge to pelt it over there and wrap her up in an embrace almost being overwhelming.
But that's not her place anymore. She's not sure it ever was and the jealousy she feels is unwelcome. There are far bigger issues to deal with at hand, ones that her dad keeps reminding her of and she can't spend days and days sulking over the (not) break up because stress hinders recovery, and the fact Dani is going to see it way sooner if she does and that's just something she's totally not prepared for.
So it's time to go to the nurses office. She could do with the break.
"Think I'm gonna go see the nurse," Santana grimaces, feigning a sudden onslaught of pain. She grips her shoulder for added effect, but when she finds hazel eyes squinting back at her, she knows it's a weak move.
Dani visibly worries, teeth gnawing her bottom lip and eyebrows pulled together in the middle of her forehead. Her hands gently squeeze at Santana's biceps and helps her get up from the bench. "Want me to come with?"
"No," Santana retorts, too quickly. She takes a long second before speaking again. She's gotta cool down. "Gonna have a nap, I think."
She doesn't hesitate to use the lack of response from the other girls to grab her bag and throw it over her shoulder, flashing a small smile at Dani who looks like she wants to argue but knows better. For that, Santana's thankful, and quickly flashes a glare at Quinn as she skulks back towards the school.
She misses the way blue eyes watch her retreat.
/
There's a wet towel on her forehead and she's staring up at the ceiling, drumming her fingertips against her chest.
The nurse massively overreacted upon her arrival, but Santana assumes that school nursing didn't include how to deal with the aftermath of a school shooting or anything other than a headache or a papercut. Probably a dumb idea considering the recent events, and she holds back several comments as the nurse bounces around, fretting over what to do and whether or not an ice pack is suitable or whether she should take her temperature.
Santana reassured her that she didn't need either, mostly because she just wanted to get some alone time after Quinn's ill-timed comment and after the uppercut of seeing Brittany all happy and shit, just existing perfectly and being perfect herself, and took it upon herself to lay down without instruction.
The nurse seemed hesitant, but when Santana pulled the curtain over and said she needed a rest, there was no argument.
So when she hears someone knock gingerly at the door, she wonders if there's someone genuinely ill that might need the space, but a gunshot wound is a pretty good argument so she closes her eyes instead. There are a few whispers, none of which are audible, but Santana knows that the nurse freaked out so hard, she'd probably only disturb her if there was another shooting or like, a pencil stabbing, so she doesn't need to worry.
Well, until there's a presence in the atmosphere and the hairs on the back of her neck stand.
She knows this feeling all too well.
"She's resting, at the moment," she hears. It's the nurse but there's a harder tone there now making her words clear. "No, you shouldn't go in. I strongly advise against–"
The curtain rails screech as they slide along the pole, but Santana snaps her eyes closed, feeling the towel on her head become colder when her skin flares up at the familiar presence. The noise happens again, assuming it's the curtain shutting behind the person that's now standing beside the bed and Santana feels her throat thicken when she smells what she can only describe as the most angelic scent that's ever graced her nostrils.
"San?"
It's whispered quietly, but Santana doesn't flinch, even though in her mind she's already jumped out the ground floor window. She does everything she can to keep as still as possible because why is Brittany here? How did she know she was here? She wasn't lying, she wanted some alone time and now that the blonde is here, she can feel the genuine agony kick back in because she's tensing in reaction and straining against the pulsing wound in her shoulder. Right now, the nurses office is completely appropriate.
"I know you're awake," Brittany continues, and Santana hates that the girl knows her so well already. How does she even know that? "You don't have sleepy breathing."
Logical, really. Fuck it.
Santana slowly opens her eyes, finding the blonde standing beside her bed, reaching out to palm the moist towel on her forehead. Blue eyes are trained on the movement, jaw clenching as Brittany solidly avoids brown eyes, but all Santana can do is marvel at her face. Technically, they barely know each other, but in some ways, she feels like she's known Brittany all her life. She feels like she's known her in another life, or a previous life, and she feels like if she went blind, she'd still be able to draw every inch of the girls face.
She's really got it bad.
"I saw you when I was on the field," Brittany breaks the silence, and Santana still hasn't said anything but she's guessing the silence spoke volumes. "I asked Dani and Quinn what was wrong and they told me," she continues and panic sets in, hot and fast. Isn't it a bit obvious where Brittany went once she knew? "I lied and told them Sue needed to see me," she covers and Santana's left wondering if the girl can read her mind, or maybe she feels the same about knowing her too well already. "I just wanted to see you."
It's so honest, but so painful, and Santana doesn't want to hear it. She bats the hand on the towel away and props herself up on one elbow, ignoring the flinch the blonde makes at the movement because no, she doesn't get to react like that. She called it off and it pisses Santana off, even if she knows it was for the best. There wasn't a lie in anything that Brittany said that night, and Santana knows but she's still fully aware of how weird Quinn was being earlier, and when she's weird it's never for no reason so she's got her guard up.
There's something going on, and she doesn't like it.
"What do you want, Brittany?" Comes out her mouth before she can stop it. Blue eyes finally find brown ones, and they flash with hurt.
But the answer that comes from the blonde is as innocent as it was the first time. "I just wanted to see you."
It's not fair. Santana knows that. But the way Brittany's looking at her right now breaks down all the resolve she's been building whilst lying here. Nothing's changed. Nothing about the situation was different and she's struggled for days now without the blonde that her guard is up a little. She's not the best at feelings and stuff anyway, especially when they're in such a fucked-up package like this one, but she can't be mad at Brittany.
All she wanted was to see her, too, and she can't deny that she feels at ease in a way she hasn't in days now, just with the girl standing here, staring down at her with these big, puppy blue eyes that are darting between dark brown ones.
"I wanted to see you too," Santana replies, because it's the only thing that comes to mind.
She clenches her jaw against the words, guilt now intense inside her chest. Prior to them stopping this thing between them, it was almost like she was partially numbed to the guilt, but now it's not there – now she has to fight it, instead of feeling it – it's so fucking present and heavy that it weighs down on the centre of her chest like an anchor. But it also comes with the sharp reminder of what Quinn said.
What's Brittany been so busy with? Why hasn't she been around if she wanted to see her so badly? Why did she have to wait until Santana walked into the nurses office to see if she was okay? Why hasn't she text, or called, or even sent a fucking pigeon with a note so that it wasn't traceable?
"How have you been?"
Santana ignores the question, frustration coursing through her veins. "Where have you been?"
Brittany jerks her head back, confused and shocked by the question. "What?"
"Just wondering where you've been," Santana half-snaps back.
She has zero context as to what Quinn said, but she can feel vibes and it just feels different so she's doing the same shit she always pulls and gets defensive. There's something about Brittany that's switched off since the shooting and she wants to know why. Sure, it's mentally tiring, but there's a change in the way she's being with Santana and honestly, there's so much shit going on that clarity in one area would be beneficial.
"I don't get what you're trying to say," the blonde replies, but her voice is small and in any other situation, Santana would be unable to not swell in adoration at how cute she looks, but right now, she's pissed.
"No-one's seen you, and Quinn said you've been busy," she mimics the other blondes voice, but Brittany doesn't smile. She can't blame her. "And you seem to be doing just grand, so I'm just wondering where you've been."
There was no pre-thought to her words. In fact, she's surprised she said anything but she guesses anger makes the truth come out. She isn't telling a lie because it sucks that she, Quinn and Dani have been suffering and Brittany's been prancing around in Cheerios, looking happy and not checking in on her 'friends' like they didn't all go through shit together. Coming back to school was a big deal and Santana might be overreacting, but Quinn's made her comment now and it's playing like a broken record inside her mind and fuelling the burning disappointment that the blonde is doing just fine without her.
And she nearly tells Brittany all that, but when she sees the glare that Brittany's throwing her way, it makes her stop in her tracks. The words fall out her ass – same as her heart – because she's never seen Brittany so tall, and angry, that if, again, they were in another situation, would probably register as hot, but with the tension between them, all she feels is fear.
She's never seen the blonde look so intimidating.
"Some people call it a distraction, Santana," Brittany growls, baring her perfect white teeth, but her eyes are narrowed almost to a close as she takes a step forward, tops of her thighs bumping against the bed. "I can't stand seeing you with Dani," she continues and it's the first time the blondes ever admitted to any type of jealousy out loud, and in reaction it sucker punches Santana in the gut for the second time today. "I can't stand that we can't be us," she gestures between them. "And I hate that all of this happened just when we could've been something."
Such a simple statement. One that Brittany's clearly mulled over and Santana feels a cool wash of relief, because there's that security she's been looking for. All the doubt she feels suddenly pops and disappears like a balloon, but it's badly timed. There's a reason why Brittany's pissed, and there's a reason why she's been staying away that is so much clearer now.
Brittany's hurt.
"I don't care what Quinn thinks," the blonde continues, tears filling the ocean blue glaring intently but voice dripping with frustration. "I'm just trying to get through each day at a time because this isn't just about you," she points towards Santana who flinches in reaction. "And I won't apologise for how I deal with the ashes of what's left."
Santana's speechless. Her mouth opens, closes, then opens again and she scrambles for any type of response, but she's torn between throwing her arms around Brittany and apologising, or finding the right thing to say back that she misses her opportunity. Brittany straightens up, wiping away the tears as they fall on to pale cheeks at the same time a deep, gruff voice comes from the other side of the curtain, but it doesn't stop from the words tearing through her chest.
The ashes of what's left.
"Is Miss Santana Lopez here, by any chance?"
All Santana wants to do is continue this conversation though, without interruption. She doesn't know when she's going to get the chance again and it's fucking with her head because the voice sounds kind of official, and she was waiting to for the cops to come and take another statement now she's back at school. Apparently visiting the scene can revoke memories that haven't come forward before, or at least that's what the cop at the hospital said, but Brittany's here and they're finally talking and she doesn't want it to end.
"She's resting at the moment."
Brittany lifts her chin, eyes sliding to the curtain and back again. "That's my cue to leave," she says, her voice monotonous and cold. "Goodbye, Santana."
There's not another moment before the blonde is turning away, pony whipping as she spins and she holds open the curtain to reveal a guy in a suit that's obviously a cop. Santana's mouth drops open to say something, to say anything, but only silence comes out. She doesn't even know where to start. There are a thousand counter arguments she has and later she'll think of it, but right now she's mute.
So, she clenches her jaw and nods stiffly, face hardening as she glares at blue eyes that disappear only seconds later.
The cop, who's balding and burly, awkwardly looks between Santana and the space where Brittany just was – even the nurse is sitting there staring – but Santana just shakes it off and throws her legs over the side of the bed, using her good arm to support herself by gripping the side. He shifts a wad of paperwork under his arm and clears his throat but gets straight back into police mode and steps forward with a stern expression.
"Have you got a few minutes to go through some questions, Miss Lopez?"
It's a welcome distraction from what's just happened, so letting out a loud sigh, she agrees. Anything to get away from her thoughts.
/
"Oh my God, Santana!"
Due to the 'few minutes' being an hour and a half, Santana misses a class and because it's with Dani, when she leaves the nurses office, she's bombarded by her girlfriend and a flurry of kisses over her face. She doesn't make the conscious decision, but she pulls away quicker than she should, shaking her head as she puts distance between the two of them and Dani tilts her head to the side curiously as they stand in the hallway.
"Everything okay, babe?" Dani says, holding her hands out like she's about to calm down a wild animal.
Which actually, pisses Santana off a little. "I'm fine," she spits, still frustrated from the 'chat' with Brittany, but fully knowing she can cover it after the grilling she just got from that cop.
Apparently, they needed to delve into the details of why she thought it was necessary to shoot Jacob, but it's not like he died or anything, and it was completely self-defence because he did have two guns, so who was to say there wasn't a third? But at that point in the questioning, Santana got majorly aggravated because the balding bastard with a badge decided to interrogate her like she was the one who bust in the school with a fucking shotgun and rehash over the statement she's made like, ten times already.
Regardless, she told the same version like she has done every single time a cop has interrogated her like this.
She doesn't think she'll ever forget it.
"What did the cop want?" Dani presses on, ignoring the way Santana's flinching away from the touch as she waves her off and they begin walking down the hallway.
But the question makes her stop. "How d'you know he's a cop?" Santana asks, cocking her brow.
"I ran into Brittany, and she said she saw you in the nurse's office with the police."
The name rings in Santana's head, a flood of memories crashing into her thoughts, but she blinks it away and looks down to the ground to find the words to reply, throat suddenly thick. That fucking guilt is kicking in again, but all she can think about now is the guilt she feels for Brittany because she obviously didn't realise how much the blonde's suffering.
I can't stand seeing you with Dani.
It's just repeating over and over. How could Santana have been so blind? Just because the girl is beaming on the outside, doesn't mean there's not an emotional hurricane spiralling around inside her mind, and she, of all people, should understand that. She knows that this connection isn't just one sided, but that doesn't make it any easier. In another life, perhaps if it was unrequited then she could suffer in silence and deal with it, but she knows at some point, everything's going to come out.
Secrets can't stay secrets forever.
"Where was she going?" Santana asks, wanting more than anything to find the blonde and say the things she wants to. Like how she can't stand being away from Brittany, that she hates that all this crap happened and now they can't be more but there's still opportunity. The way Brittany said it was like the ashes were already there. Whatever they had has burnt down; is dead and gone, but it can't be.
What they had was something they can't ignore. Not forever.
"I saw her with the new transfer guy," Dani doesn't seem to find the question strange, which is strange in itself, but brown eyes narrow and bore into Santana's after a few seconds. Santana would notice, but she's too busy wondering who the hell the transfer guy is. Is that why Brittany's been so distant? Is that what Quinn meant? Who the hell is this guy anyway? "Did they want to speak to her, too?"
"I don't know," she spits, beginning to head down the hallway again with her girlfriend who follows. "I think I'm gonna go home," she adds. This day is too much to deal with and now she's put some obvious interest into Brittany's whereabouts, she knows it won't be long until Dani catches on. The façade is breaking down with every second that's passing.
"I'll come with you," Dani offers but like before, it pisses Santana off which is irrational and unreasonable, but she just wants to be alone.
She spins on her foot, halting rapidly and Dani stumbles into her a little as she mirrors the movement. "No, Dan," Santana's voice is harsh, but she softens it with a half-smile. "I just need to be by myself for a bit. I'll see you tomorrow."
And despite knowing that her girlfriend's going to ask her a thousand questions at some point, Santana can't find it in herself to care right now. So, she shrugs her bag further up her shoulder and leans in, pressing her lips to Dani's cheek before turning away.
(Dani notices the lack of I love you though.)
(Even if Santana doesn't.)
/
Puck comes back to school the next day.
The news spreads like wildfire, after he's being held up as another hero of the school and weirdly, Santana actually finds herself excited to see him. They may not have had the best start, but there's been some reconciliation there, and seeing as he jumped in front of a bullet for Quinn, she guesses she can forgive him for the whole bet thing that Azimio mentioned. As far as she's aware, Quinn's happy too and until he fucks up again, Santana will bite her tongue.
There are more pressing matters at the forefront of her mind, still. Blonde-haired, blue-eyed problems.
Anyway, Santana's making her way across the parking lot when she sees Puck. He's climbing out of Jake's truck, with Rachel in tow and Santana feels a small bubble of happiness for the girl because that's been a long time in the making. Relationships are never easy when people get hurt, and even though it was Kitty that was on the receiving end, Santana knows what it's like to be caught in a love triangle. No-one gets out unscathed. But maybe they can make it work.
"Puckerman," she calls, earning the attention of the jock who's got his arm in a sling, much like Santana did, but after four days of that thing and the inability to do anything normally, she grew tired and stopped wearing it. "Good to see you back."
Rachel flashes a small hello her way and tugs Jake inside, leaving them alone. Puck nods at his half-brother and the two disappear inside, leaving them alone in the parking lot. Santana takes a moment to study the jock, the way his face is tired and how he's got a shade of green to his face, mostly because she saw it in her own on her first day, and the nausea wasn't down to the memories of this place.
"You good, Puckerman?" Santana asks, gesturing to walk into school. It's best if they go in together. They've both got a badass reputation now, a nice change to Puck's usual bad, badass rep – and she knows what it's like to be back. Those assholes are going to do the gunshot sounds and fuck Puck up in the way they did with her.
"As good as can be right now," he grunts, keeping his head down as they enter the school.
Several students part as they head down the hall, and Santana keeps a sharp eye on a few hockey players coming towards them. "Expect these dicks to," she forms her fingers into a gun and flicks her thumb, as if to cock it. "Give you a reminder."
Puck scowls but his shoulders lift a little, his left side wincing at the movement. "They don't scare me."
"The sound will, though," she retorts, because she isn't one to be scared but even she jumped at the noise. Gotta be some PTSD shit. "But it'll die down after a couple days."
The jock doesn't answer, choosing to head left to avoid Rick and his band of idiots trapsing around like they own the place. Santana follows quick on his heel and gets the vibe he doesn't want to talk but half of the reason she wanted to check in on the guy is because she had a few questions of her own, but she doesn't know where to start. Still, it's a long few seconds before she finds the ability to phrase what she wants and clears her throat, earning a quick glance from Puck.
"Heard there's a transfer guy that's joined your team," she says, and it isn't as casual as she hoped it would be. "Know about him or anything?"
Technically, they've built bridges between them, but to be conversing and not either arguing isn't familiar ground. Half of the people that are staring at them as they make their way through the hallways are probably wondering why the fuck they're talking in the first place, not even gossiping about Puck's return, but as she thought earlier, until he steps over the line and does something to Quinn, she considers it all in the past and so she guesses they're like, friends now.
Although this is the first time she's attempting a friendly conversation, and it just so happens to be about this new guy. Not smooth at all.
"Sam?" Puck chimes in, and Santana's shocked to hear the name. Hasn't Puck been in hospital and like, not around to know this kind of stuff? "Yeah, he's transferred from Tennessee."
"How'd you know him already?"
Puck slides his eyes to her like he isn't sure why she's asking. "Met him at the hospital," he explains, and they come to a stop outside Puck's class. "His sister was down in the kids bit and he walked past my room wearing a McKinley shirt, so we got talking." He pauses and stares down at Santana, narrowing his eyes. "Why are you asking?"
Santana shrugs like she's not even that bothered. Again, not smooth. "Quinn mentioned him, that's all," she replies, but the double meaning doesn't go amiss, and Puck's brows pull together, mouth dropping open in half-shock, half-hurt, and it takes a second for her to realise that she could've meant Quinn was asking in a non-platonic way. "No, no," she interjects, shaking her head. "She just said there was a new kid, so I thought I'd see what you knew as you're resident badass."
The jock doesn't seem to buy it, and why would he? It's a weak ass suggestion and the lame compliment on the last part was even weaker. Like he'd buy that.
"What's the real reason?" He quirks his eyebrow in a don't lie kind of way and Santana rolls her eyes, running her tongue along her front teeth. "You're as much of a scheming asshole as I am," he continues, and she can't argue. Sure, Puck was a dick back was back in middle school for giving her a wedgie in front of everyone, but she got him back by putting hair removal cream in his shampoo to remove the skunk strip in revenge. She never went down without a fight. "You're just better at hiding it, so what do you want with Evans?"
It's a dilemma.
On one hand, she wants to see if there's any reason she should be concerned about Brittany and this Sam kid because Puck won't sugar coat it, but on the other, the mere question itself will create a thousand more questions about why she's asking, and it's not like she feels like she should hide it. If anyone knows the blonde, it's Puck – they were together for over a year – so she'd get her answer, but he's also just got back to school, and fuck knows what's going on with him and Quinn, but it's going somewhere, and he's got enough on his plate.
Adding Santana's emotional problems and probably irrational fear that Brittany's moving on already isn't something he needs.
"Seriously," she assures, shrugging for effect. "I'm just wondering."
"You wanna fuck him or something?" Puck stops in his step, middle of the busy hallway, his face now entirely confused, and Santana knows her reply was convincing enough because he's now baffled as to why she's asking. But it doesn't stop her from looking around awkwardly to see if anyone's listening in. That's so not a rumour she needs spread around.
"God–No," she gets out through a laugh, almost puking at the mental image. She's probably got a bigger dick than Sam, even if she hasn't even seen the kid yet but she's proud, but Puck's still eying her like he's not understanding the sudden interrogation. "Quinn just said something about Brittany and him," she finally admits, knowing she can't really dodge this. Had she put some thought into it before seeing Puck, she might have covertly been able find out some information about this Sam guy, but she's blown it now. Might as well be real. "I just wanted to know what his deal is."
Puck's eyes narrow as he studies her, and she shifts uncomfortable in her spot. What is this? A fucking interview? "Have you broken up with Dani?"
Brown eyes bug open, Santana's head jerking back. "No," she chokes out, cheeks heating up rapidly. As far as she's aware, Puck doesn't know anything about her and Brittany, but now she's panicking because he's looking at her like he knows everything. Has Quinn said something to him? "Why would you say that?"
"I know chicks," he retorts like it's no secret. It isn't. He didn't get his sex shark nickname for no reason, so Santana guesses he isn't lying. "And I know there's something going on because Brittany wasn't bothered when we broke up," his nose wrinkles but he shrugs with one shoulder, visibly wincing at the movement. "Which is weird 'cos chicks dig me, but I'm guessing I wasn't bothered that we split up because of Quinn," he pauses, the words lodging in his throat like he didn't mean to say it. "But, um, anyway–I thought she might be in the same boat, and turns out her Quinn–" Puck gestures to her with his thumb, looped around his backpack strap. "–Was you."
Santana doesn't reply, instead chewing her bottom lip. She doesn't know what to say. There isn't anything that wouldn't be a dead giveaway because this topic hot. Like, smoking hot, and she really didn't give Puck enough credit if he's actually figured it out on his own. Sure, he wasn't bothered about the breakup because he was into Quinn, and a shot of excitement buzzes through Santana when she processes his words properly because shit, yeah, maybe Brittany didn't care that much because Santana was in the picture.
Does that mean Brittany was vibing it as much as Santana had been since the beginning?
Puck clicks his tongue; a smirk growing across his face and the sound sharply interrupts Santana's thoughts. "So, I'm right," he comments, not really asking for confirmation. He continues heading down the hallway and Santana's legs automatically follow; her mouth opening to try and argue but there's no words. Literally, no fucking words. "Well, I guess you need to sort your shit out then Lopez," he continues and slides his eyes to her. "Because Sam seems cool, and I know Brittany's helping babysit his little brother and sister on Friday and he's currently the Quarterback while I'm out of action."
Fear spirals through Santana, her feet immediately slowing down their pace until Puck's more than a meter away from her. He doesn't stop though, just spins and begins backing away but facing her with his hands out.
"Girls like Britt don't stay single forever," he reasons, and Santana heart and feet stop at the same time as the jock disappears with an apologetic smile.
Fuck.
/
Not a huge amount of chapters left in this story!