House, M.D., STD Doctor

Authoresses Notes
House is temporarily demoted to an STD clinic. As if regular clinic duties weren't enough trouble; House now has to deal with paranoid patients, hookers, and Cuddy's dominative air after accomplishing this feat.
PG-13 for some sexual language
Intellectual/Comedy/General Lost of references to diseases and their cures... well, STD's and their cures... if there are any.

"You're useless!" Cuddy cried, throwing her arms into the air.

"Pace a little faster," House observed, tilting his head to the side a bit. "I can see your panty-hose riding up."

Cuddy slammed her fists down on her desk, staring House squarely in the eye (House took note to remember the date; Wilson would never believe him). "It's only about sex with you, isn't it?"

House raised his eyebrow and leaned on his cane, "Well, here? Only if you want to... it might be a little uncomfortable-"

"Stop! Stop it, stop it, stop it!" Cuddy threw her hands up in the air, filled with rage. "The only reason I haven't fired you is only because you're the best damn doctor we can afford, and you - you make lewd comments at every moment! If you didn't save lives every four or so months on impossible cases, I'd have fired you by now!"

"You touch me, Doctor Cuddy," Greg threw his head back, taking Vicoden with him. "Really, you do,"

"That's it!" The female fumed. "I'm demoting you until you can straighten out yourself!"

"Demotion, Doctor?" Greg feigned shock. "What could be worse than clinic hours?"

She put on an evil smirk, "Well, I figured since you like sex so much, I'd give you a fun job."

House raised his eyebrows again, genuinely interested. "Oh...?"

"Yes." Doctor Cuddy scribbled something down on a piece of paper, handing it to her employee.

"Will you tell me?" House said, folding the paper and putting it in his breast pocket.

"STD clinic," Cuddy said, without looking up from her paper.

House let out a long, hard laugh, then looked at her. "Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought you said STD clinic. It's quit alright, we can still have sex. I have no STD-"

"You're working there," Cuddy said in the same manner as before. "until I say otherwise. You're starting tomorrow, doctor. Unless we have a patient with an incurable disease that only you can cure, you're to stay there." She stood up from her desk and gathered her jacket and car keys. "I'm stopping by 7-eleven on my back from Olive Garden. Would you like anything to drink?"

"An STD clinic? Oh, God," Foreman (random fact: That's the name of the authoresses German teacher) burst out in laughter. "Now I'm tempted to get an STD... On the other hand, no, I'm not; I don't want House anywhere near my man-parts."

"No, you don't want House near you, period. Primarily because he breathes fire when he works in clinics... Trust me, I've seen it." Doctor Wilson said from the door of the Rest Room (it was originally a waiting room, but the House team had dubbed it their own quarters, with a little basketball hoop over the trash can and everything). "He even grew out his fingernails long, just for the pleasure of the poking out the ends of his gloves. He stole Cuddy's nail hardener that week... Oh, it was priceless."

"Do you need anything, Doctor Wilson?" Cameron asked ignoring Foreman and Chase's fits of laughter.

"Oh, no, I just came to tell that little story. And to pick up House's gameboy," Wilson held up the little contraption as proof. "He's hoping that nobody will come into the clinic."

"Um... I have an appointment today..." A man said once he reached the front desk of the STD clinic. House sat in a nearby chair, peering at the man over his gameboy; he was in his mid twenties and looked nervous as hell. This made Greg smile a bit.

"And what is your name, sir?" The receptionist asked, looking down at her computer.

The man jumped and leaned over the counter, close to her. "Alexander Taip," he whispered quietly.

"Are you afraid somebody will recognize you?" House chimed perkily, turning off the gameboy and putting it in his pocket. Standing up carefully, he leaned on his cane. "I'm Doctor House, and I will be tending your STD today," He raised his voice at the last few syllables, causing the man to turn a few shades of red and the people in the waiting room to hush.

"Come along," House said with fake cheer as he limped-slash-led the man into the clinic room. "I contemplated asking if you wanted your usual room, but I'll save that for my next patient," he said shortly, lobbing himself down in a swivel chair. "Well, sit down."

Alexander sat reluctantly, looking at his surroundings.

"First time at a clinic or are you afraid that anything will jump out and eat you?" House rolled his eyes, and whacked the young man in the leg with his cane. "Pay attention, idiot!

"What are your symptoms?"

The man rubbed his leg, "I... I don't know... Itching, irritation-"

"Congratulations," House said loudly, his voice filled with sarcasm. "You have just listed most of the symptoms for every STD in the United States! How did you do it?"

"Um, well-"

"Stand up," House demanded, stamping his cane on the floor for emphasis. Nervously, he stood. "Straighten your back!" He immediately straightened. "Turn around," Alexander turned. "Turn back around... now stick your right leg out... Good." House smiled in a demonic fashion. "I rather like this, I feel as if I could be a drill sergeant. Or the person who directs the Hokey Pokey; did you know the man who created it died the other day?" House managed to sound scandalized while saying that last sentence, "It was a rather odd funeral. First, they put his left leg in... Am I boring you, Alex?"

He shook his head slowly, confused. "Yes- I MEAN NO! Of course not, sir! No, sir, not at all, sir,"

House stared at him quizzically. "Does your girlfriend smell like beer? Baking bread? Notice anything when you're 'down below', if you know what I mean?"

"Well... She got a piercing on her-" House stared at him. "Err. Yes. Like a bakery. And when she comes it's... it's so gross, it's a frothy gray stuf-"

"When was the last time you screwed her?" Greg asked, observing his cane.

"What?"

"When was the last time you put it in her?" House asked, pausing after every word, thinking. "I'm sorry; it took be awhile to find all the one syllable words."

"Not recently..." Alexander said quietly his eyes darting around.

"Have you eaten her out recently?" The doctor was smiling. It was fun to mess with this patient's head. He was so gullible! 'Probably just graduated from Catholic school,' He thought giddily.

A mumble escaped the boy. "I'm terribly sorry for the fact that you have recently gone mute."

"I said yes. Two weeks ago, and then this disgusting foam came..."

"Alright, now," House stood up and snapped on his medical gloves, fishing out a random needle from the drawer, "I'm just going to stick this needle into your penis and the results will be back- hello? Oh, damn, another one bites the dust." He prodded at the newly passed out figure on the table. When Alex didn't move, he smacked him on the knee with his cane. "You have Candidiasis... or a yeast infection. In your mouth and probably on your penis, too; you can choose several treatments... yogurt - which contains lactobacillus, a friendly bacteria that kills yeast, acidophilus tables or salves , crushed garlic loaves - which have allicin, an antifungal - boric acid has been quite popular recently. Gel-caps are filled with boric acid and power and are inserted in your penis, at bedtime. You could always use Clotrimazole, nystatin, fluconazle, ketoconazole. Send in a picture of the infection sight of your girlfriend. Then send her in, we'll need to treat her with amphotericin B, caspofungin, or voriconazole," House wrote out his prescription on a notepad. "Eat a yogurt twice a day - morning and night, and use your choice of treatment on your man-zone. Personally, I think the yogurt or garlic would be funny," he raises his eyebrows at this, and limped out the door to the waiting room.

END

Authoresses Notes
I always thought it would be funny if House worked in an STD clinic. And we just finished up our STD unit in health, and I just saw an episode of House, so I thought 'Why not?'

I hope you all found this as amusing as I did. )

Vicoden If you don't know what that is, those are the m4g1c p1llz that House takes oh-so-often.

The entire last paragraph No, you weren't supposed to understand that. At all. If you're a Med student and you don't get it, I'm ashamed in you! Shame, shame, shame.

Resources: wikipedia(dot)org

Note: I am thinking about writing more chapters - each one with a different STD... what do you guys think?