Editt: Yes, terribly sorry about the spelling errors, Julie. I have fixed them and re-posted the second chapter.

Authoresses Notes

Terrible sorry at the long wait in between chapters; I've been quite busy almost failing school. Anyway! Grades are better, so presenting, chapter two of House, M.D., STD Clinic.

Enjoy;

Chapter Two

"Good morning, Doctor. Are you on your way to the clinic?" Doctor Wilson greeted House with enough sarcasm to drown Jim Carey. "May I hold your files, sir? I need you to tend to this awful ooze I've been dealing with af- OWSONOFABITCH!" Wilson gripped his left shin with both hands, dropping his coffee mug. "What the HELL was that for? Is that tipped with iron?"

House gripped his cane with his hand and limped towards the clinic. He was aiming to hit Wilson's neck, but his shin was closer (and yes, his new cane was tipped with iron).

"Don't talk to House," Wilson warned as he limped into the Rest Room.

Foreman turned the page of his book, "Hey, there's a new disease in here, it's called 'House', other common names 'louse of unusual size'. It can commonly be found working in cahoots with STDs," Chase stifled a laugh.

"Good morning, House." Cuddy said respectfully, entering the doctor's clinic office.

"Good morning attractive colleague and upper who has a secret obsession with sleeping with me but won't admit it and decides to go into denial about it by sticking me to STD clinic duties," Greg answered without looking up from his gameboy.

Cuddy was silent for a moment then spoke "You know, that was kind of clever, but I don't think anything would want to have sex with you. Not even... a horny dog, for lack of a better analogy,"

"You just said 'anal'." House observed, looking at Cuddy over Metroid Prime.

The superintendent made an irritated noise before stomping out of the clinic. House smiled- but only a little.

A knock sounded on the clinic door and Greg apprehensively looked up from his game, and then flicked his eyes back down. It wasn't a familiar knock. The door opened- the person carried a file with them; a patient.

"Spectacular- the clinic isn't even open and Cuddy is sending me patients." House clicked off his gameboy and put it in his breast pocket. "Well, sit down,"

The person just stood there. A girl, with dark brown hair that had been curled over night and artificial nails, but obviously a professional - she wore a pinstripe skirt-suit with horn rimmed glasses and high heels. "Um..." She gestured to where House was sitting (which happened to be the patient table).

House sighed sarcastically and stared at the swivel chair under the desk. The girl moved to get it then sat down, crossed her legs and folded her hands over her knees.

"I am Doctor Gregory House, M.D., and I will be tendin... ahh, screw it, blue is not your color." Greg sighed, rubbing his hand on his forehead.

A quizzical look, "Pardon, what?"

"Blue is not your color," the doctor pointed his cane at the woman's skirt and lifted it up a bit. "Granny pants." She smacked his cane away and looked scandalized. "Now that we've gotten the awkwardness out of the way, you may introduce yourself and your symptoms."

The girl, still taken aback, did so anyway. "I... my name is Katja Melbourne-" House cut her off.

"Real name, please. I'm not going to post your records all over the walls at the strip club advertising that you have an STD."

She scowled. "Melissa Rowling- itching, infection, pimples on my naughty - You are the rudest, most inconsiderate, psycho pervert in this hospital."

House looked genuinely surprised. "You know worse? Oh, do give me their number so we can exchange notes." He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "It was a joke. How long have you been having these symptoms?"

"About two weeks- maybe more, I don't know," She turned her nose up away from him.

"You been having infection on your 'naughty' for two weeks and didn't see a doctor? How pitiful can you get? Are you lying to me? I thought we had something for a minute…"

Her face twisted in a look of rage and she stomped her heel on the floor. "Look, I'm a patient, you're the doctor, and would you just frigging DIAGNOSE me already!"

House looked taken aback, then grinned, pulling latex gloves out of the drawer and snapping them on. "Alright, we'll get this done quickly. Pull up your skirt, please."

Melissa's back suddenly became rigid. She pulled her skirt tightly across her knees as if to deny House access. House tapped his cane impatiently on the floor and checked his watch every few seconds.

"That's okay, I can wait." He said, leaning against the counter. Melissa grimaced and very reluctantly pulled up her skirt- slowly, though.

"Ell oh ell, jay kay," (a/n: 'lol jk'… chat speak, I can so imagine House saying that) House said, pulling the gloves off with another loud, decisive snap. "Do you know what a nit is, Miss Rowling?"

Immediately Melissa brought her skirt down. "No, care to enlighten me?"

The doctor opened a cabinet above the sink and fished his hand through it, before pulling out what appeared to be a large picture book that read "CRABS". "A nit, look, here's a little picture, but anyway- a nit is a lice egg- they attach to hairs and are impossible to brush off and have to be removed with a comb or yanking them off. Nits are oval shaped and usually yellow or white- incredible small, too, dreadfully so even- and take about one week to hatch," he showed her the picture on the page, then turned it to the next one. "A nymph is a baby louse. It looks like an adult louse, but it's smaller. They mature in about one week after hatching. To live, much like their adult form, they must feed on blood.

"The adult louse can get from one millimeter to three millimeters in size. It's also called a crab, because when viewed under a magnifying glass it resembles a miniature crab. They have six legs and the two from legs are very large and look like crab pincers. They are tan to gray-white in color. The females, of course, lay the nits. You can tell which ones are female 'cause they're bigger than the males. If a louse falls off a person, it will die within one or two days." He showed Melissa the diagram of the louse life cycle and the picture of the adult louse.

The look on the woman's face couldn't be described as "horror" or "complete and utter shitting-your-pants fear", it was indescribable- and completely and truly amusing to House.

"I have crabs? I have pubic lice? NO THAT IS SO GROSS." She screeched loudly at the top of her lungs. Greg winced and covered one of his ears.

"Go to the supermarket or something and pick up some permethrin/pyrethin lice shampoo, but you have to shave/comb your pubes in order to remove the nits- the comb comes with the kit of lice shampoo. Lice can live on bedding and clothing, too, so those must be sterilized or treated. There's also lindane lice shampoo, and it's not recommended for pregnant or nursing women or for children less than two years old." House paused for a minute and grimaced, "How much would it suck to have crabs when you're pregnant? Poor ladies can't even see their pubic hairs, much less treat them…"

"Can I go now? Please?" Melissa sounded urgent and was twitching. Maybe it was the knowledge that a tiny crab was crawling on her, maybe it was because Gregory House was such terrible company.

"Why, yes, of course, I don't want your bugs. Oh, but you know what they say-" House raised his voice and Melissa ran out the door. "It's better to have lobsters in your pianos than crabs in your organs!" (A/N: I would like to thank Hakuniko for that comment, she told me it in Deutsch I klasse,)

House limped to the Room of Rest a little after noon. Wilson raised his eyebrow at House inquiringly. "Slow day down in the clinic. Oh, your ice is melting! I could get more for you." House faked sympathy as he noticed Wilson nursing his shin with a large bag of ice.

"No, really, that's okay, don't bother yourself." Wilson glared at his friend before picking up the bag and putting it in the freezer and taking out a fresh bag. "How was Katja Melbourne this morning?"

"You mean Melissa Rowling? She was the stripper that jumped out of my birthday cake last year! Fancy that, eh? Kinda regret eating it though… She has crabs." House sat across from Wilson, slinging his cane on the back of his chair. "I heard a weird story the other day, too. Guy was celebrating his seventieth birthday. So his buddies decided 'hey, let's get him a stripper to hop outta his cake'. He died on his birthday. The stripper that came out of his cake was his eighteen year old granddaughter,"

"Bummer," James said, smiling widely. "What happened to the daughter? She still a stripper?"

House jumped with his eyes wide with shock. "Doctor James Wilson! How dare you think of your own daughter like that?" An ice pack was hurled at House, who barely managed to duck in time, but still got showered with freezing cold water.

After Wilson's laughter died down, House stood and limped over to Wilson, reaching for his cane absently. Not finding it, he smacked Wilson on the head. "You think you're damn funny, don't you? Well, I got news for you, buddy, I will get my revenge on you." He stalked over to his chair and retrieved his cane before limping out of the room.

Later on that evening, Wilson was awoken out of his sleep by a circle of male strippers (seven in total)around him- all dressed as police officers, with badges covering their no-no's. "Excuse me, sir, we're going to have to conduct an urgent strip-search, we've gained news of an illegal contraband on your persons," Suddenly loud music was pumping through the air and the strippers were dancing exotically all around him.

Authoresses Notes:

I love the feuds that Wilson and House have. :D House: 2, Wilson: 0. All information contributing to STDs were found on wikipedia(dot)org. Oh, and thank you for your reviews! I have had three reviews and three hundred hits! That's the MOST I've had ever! Thank you all for your subtle support!

Note: It might take awhile for me to update because my internet has been taken away (I'm connecting to the neighbors) and won't let me sign into my account on my computer. Bad, bad!

Editt: For those of you that don't read the beginning of the chapter, I edited all the problems with the story. And I'm grounded from the internet- damnit! Mutti took my antennae away, so it's very hard for me to update.

Lots of love, Flame.