Don't leave

by halfravenhalfclaw

Everything was fine. Sirius had been acting distant and cold towards Remus since he came back from his four-month mission with the werewolves. But everything would be fine. They just had to stick together, like Sirius had said the day they left Hogwarts.

Sirius wasn't just the life of the party; he was the party.

He was the excitement you felt when looking forward to something. Like Christmas morning or after a long day in school knowing there was chocolate pudding for dessert that night.

He was the music. Sirius was the party song after you won a Quidditch Match and needed to celebrate, the sorrowful song when you just needed to feel the sadness and he was the love song saying all the right words, making your heart explode.

He was the drink that made you feel lighter. Feel relaxed and free and happy and like you could do anything, like the world belonged to you.

He was the next morning when the hangover set in, but you never regretted a thing and wanted to do it all over again.

And he was Remus'.

He was Remus' best friend. His boyfriend. His everything. Sirius was the one to hold Remus' hand when he was scared or nervous, the one to laugh at inside jokes with and the one to curl up together on the sofa with.

As they were now. Remus and Sirius were one big pile of limbs, blankets and love on the sofa in front of the fireplace in the common room. Peter was eating crisps in hopes of making the hangover tomorrow more tolerable. Lily was leaning on James while snoring lightly and he looked like the happiest man on earth.

The party had been half graduation party and half engagement party. James had very romantically set the whole thing up in private before it was announced to everyone. Sirius already knew, of course, and had had to promise Remus at least ten chocolate bars to make up for keeping a secret from him.

Everything was perfect. But it was already way past midnight, and it was officially the day they would be leaving Hogwarts. They would join the Order of the Phoenix and help end the war. It was scary, but they had to do it. If not them, then who else?

"Moonpie? Sirius' voice was low enough so only Remus could hear. He hummed in response. "Could you turn down the volume on your thoughts? You're waking the neighbours."

Remus snorted and hit Sirius playfully. At least he hoped he hit him and not the armrest. "Shut up. How'd you even know?"

To be fair, Remus often thought about the war, but Sirius had a knack for knowing exactly when.

"You're making that face."

"What face?"

"This one." Sirius grabbed Remus's head and gently pulled till their lips touched. "All scrunched up. With normal worries your right eyebrow is further down, war worries it's the left one." He pressed a kiss to each eyebrow. "You're my adorable little Moonpumpkin and you mustn't let your worries blind you. As long as we have each other, everything will be alright. Okay?"

Sirius was so stupid, and Merlin Remus loved him.

"Okay."

"Say it," Sirius demanded with a sly grin on his perfect face.

"It."

"Ahh, you live to tease me, Moonshine." But then he lowered his voice, sending puffs of air with each word. This was just for them. "Say it, please."

Remus had never been good at saying 'no' to Sirius.

"As long as we have each other, everything will be alright."

...

"Morning, Remus."

Remus immediately put down the book he had been trying to read. Sirius was often busy or stressed out these days, so he hadn't had much time for Remus in the week after his return. But when he did, Remus wanted to make sure he made the most of it.

"Morning, Padfoot."

Sirius scrunched his nose but didn't comment. He put down the tray with breakfast on the guest-bed that Remus was currently occupying and then sat at the foot of the bed, not next to Remus like he usually did. Like he did back at Hogwarts, or even just four months ago before the mission.

Remus slowly began eating. This is fine, he told himself. Sirius was stressed and overwhelmed, so he didn't have the energy to carry a conversation. He was trying his best to be there. Remus was sure of it.

Plus… it must have been hard the past four months. With James, Lily and Harry going into hiding, Peter being too scared of the world to set foot outside his house, gradually emptying chairs at Order meetings, and having to go through all of it alone.

Sirius got up suddenly. "I have to go now."

Remus froze with the teacup almost at his lips. "Go…?"

"Dumbledore needed someone for a last-minute mission, and I took it." Sirius was already halfway out the door. He used to kiss Remus goodbye before leaving, though he tried not to think too hard about it.

"Right now?"

"It's urgent."

Remus swallowed thickly. "For how long?"

"Two weeks."

"But…"

Sirius' eyes narrowed. "But what?"

During Remus' months with Greyback's pack, he dreamt every night of being curled up in Sirius' arms. It hadn't been awful there, in a weird way. Obviously, the living conditions had been less than ideal, as they were sleeping on the ground and weren't always sure if they would eat. But Remus had felt a sense of belonging. The other werewolves were like him, and they understood his struggles. Remus wanted to help them because he knew they could be good people if given the chance.

The mission wasn't supposed to last as long as it did. When Greyback realized that Remus was 'pushing his agenda' on the other pack-members, he decided to make an example of him. It was only because of Nicolas, a young and brave werewolf, that he was able to escape.

Sirius was tapping his foot on the ground.

"Full moon is in six days."

He stared for a moment and very suddenly looked both exhausted and much older, but then snapped out of it. Sirius leaned his head back and groaned loudly at the ceiling. "Sure. Let me just go tell Dumbledore I must decline the mission because my whiny boyfriend can't handle being alone for a fraction of the time he left me."

"That's… that's not—"

"Fine! I'm sorry. I need to leave now. Mary has agreed to come by and check up on you." Without giving Remus even a second to react, Sirius stormed out the door and slammed it after him.

It was fine.

It was fine.

Remus was fine.

Sirius was going through a difficult time right now, and whatever this mission was, it was clearly important. He was doing this because he cared. Maybe this mission was so important that it could turn their luck in the war. Then the Potters could come out of hiding, Peter didn't have to be scared and they wouldn't lose any more people. That was why he had to leave so suddenly, and why he took it even if it would mean he missed the full moon. The sooner the war would end, the sooner they could all be together again. That was why he did it. Sirius was doing this for Remus.

The gaping hole inside him would go away, and everything could go back to the way it used to be.

...

Remus was laying down, staring at the ceiling when he heard the door opening. He sprung up immediately. It was a childish reaction, really, but he couldn't help it. Remus had now spent more time alone in their flat since coming back than time not alone, and he was eager for any sort of human interaction.

Although the sight that awaited Remus had him freezing on the spot.

Sirius was clutching his side where a big, red wound was made visible by the giant hole in his shirt. They made eye contact for a moment before Sirius continued limping over to the couch and laid down with a grunt of pain.

That broke Remus out of his trance. "Sirius! You're bleeding."

"I'm fine," he responded through gritted teeth.

"No, you're… let me help."

"I'm fine."

"But—" Remus took a step forward.

"Merlin, will you just shut up for two seconds please." Their eyes locked and they both froze in place. Sirius' expression softened and he quickly looked away. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I want to see if I can heal myself without a wand. Just… give me a second."

Remus didn't respond.

While Sirius was holding a shaky hand over his wound and breathing deeply, Remus' gaze shifted away. It landed on one of the framed photos. The one of their graduation day. Remus smiled slightly. He missed the Marauders. He missed their innocence and worrying about having time to plan pranks between classes and homework. He missed falling asleep in front of the fireplace when Sirius would have an arm around him while discussing Quidditch strategies with James and Peter, who did his best to contribute. He missed talking about books with Lily.

Remus didn't even know if they knew he had returned.

A loud sigh from Sirius broke him out of his thoughts. Remus suddenly felt unsure what to do. "Are you… okay now?"

"Okay enough, at least."

The silence stretched between them. Which was fine. When two people had known each other as long as they had, they didn't need to talk to enjoy each other's company, so it was fine. Remus was completely fine, and Sirius was just tired from his mission.

Then an amazing idea popped into his head. "Do you want dinner? I got all the things we need for shepherd's pie." It was one of the only things he could cook without messing up somehow, and Sirius usually loved it.

He grunted. "Can't we just order takeout?"

Maybe Sirius was just starving and wanted to eat as soon as possible. "Sure, of course. Pizza?"

"Chinese."

"Your usual?"

"No, er, can I get the one with the rice instead?"

"Sure. I'll place it for pickup—" Usually when they ordered takeout, they would take a nice stroll through the streets to pick up the food. Sirius used to cast an illusion charm so they could hold hands without anyone knowing.

"Can't we do delivery instead?"

Remus hesitated. "Yeah, no, of course we can. I'll go do that."

He felt Sirius' gaze on him as he left for the kitchen to place an order over the phone. Remus didn't particularly like talking on the phone, and Sirius was usually too interested in muggle technology to let an opportunity like that pass him by, so he used to order for them… but change was good. Change was great.

And as a change, he stayed in the kitchen until the delivery person showed up, because if they weren't in the same room, then it wouldn't feel weird.

As another change, they ate in the living room without being curled up on the couch together. Remus liked the armchair better anyway.

For the first time in years in Sirius' presence, Remus was desperate to fill the silence. He poked at the food.

"I really missed this sort of thing on my mission."

Sirius looked over at him slowly. "Okay."

"Cause like, if it weren't because of Greyback, it wasn't that bad, you know? But they didn't have a lot of food, still don't I suppose. No blankets either. Nor shoes. Nicolas said they always lose people during the winter. I wish someone would do something—"

"Oh for the love of—" Sirius cut himself off and began rubbing his temple. "Sorry. I just came back. Can't you at least wait a few days before spewing that all over me again?"

Remus lowered his gaze. Sirius had never talked to him like that before.

He tried keeping his voice steady. "Yeah, of course. I'm sorry."

After that Remus could barely get the food down and he was so stuck in his own thoughts that he hadn't realized any time had passed before Sirius got up and announced he was going out to tell Dumbledore how the mission went. With a 'floof' from the fireplace, Remus was all alone again.

He gave up on the food and stuck it in the fridge.

But everything was fine.

Sirius had been living alone for four months, and they would both have to adjust to being around each other again. There would be plenty of time for that now that they were both here and hopefully, it would be a while before either of them had a mission again.

...

The extra time alone didn't do anything for Sirius' mood

His temper was short, and he quickly shut down any form of conversation that wasn't about housework. Sirius had expressed long ago that he didn't like not knowing what Remus was doing on his missions or where he was, so he tried talking about it, but that just seemed to worsen his mood.

So now Remus spent most of his time alone in the guest room, wishing he could understand why Sirius acted this way, so he could fix it and not have to spend every waking second longing to be with the person who was just on the other side of the door.

One day he decided he couldn't take it anymore. He hadn't spoken to anyone besides Sirius since returning because Peter was never available and whatever charm was protecting the Potters didn't allow phone or Floo calls.

But James had given Sirius a magic mirror years ago which allowed them to communicate during detention and later, Order missions. So after gathering a lot of courage, Remus stepped out of the guestroom.

Sirius was sitting in the middle of the living room with papers spread everywhere. Whatever he was working on had a repelling charm cast over it. All the papers appeared blurry to Remus, and his gaze involuntarily shifted away when he tried to look at it. Clearly confident in his charm, or just not aware that Remus was there, Sirius continued without pause.

"Hey." Remus cleared his throat. "Hi."

Sirius didn't even spare him a glance. He shifted through the papers and almost ripped the page in half. "What? I'm busy."

"Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. Can I… could I borrow the mirror?"

Sirius paused suddenly, then levitated the mirror into Remus' hands. They stared at each other for a prolonged moment. Sirius' eyes were glassy, and for just a second, Remus thought he was going to say something else.

Sorry.

But it was over quicker than it started, then Sirius continued looking through the papers as if the moment hadn't happened. Maybe it didn't.

Remus stood still a few moments, mirror clutched in his hand, just to see if Sirius was going to say anything else, maybe take a break and they could talk with James and Lily together. But nothing happened so Remus quietly returned to the guest room. Which was fine. Sirius was very busy and understandably annoyed at being interrupted. They could always do it later, anyway.

He had to take a few calming breaths when sitting down before calling.

"James Potter." His own image disappeared and was replaced with a view of a ceiling, but he could hear a faint crying. "Hello?"

"Oh hey, Moony!" Lily's tanned face and red hair quickly appeared in the frame. Despite her smile, there were big bags under her eyes, but it was hard to tell if that was from the stress of the war or having a small kid. "It's so good to see you again."

"Hi." Her smile rubbed off on him. He couldn't remember the last time someone had been excited to see him. "How are you?"

The look in her eyes was suddenly duller. "Oh, you know… anyway, James is trying to make Harry go to sleep, so far unsuccessful, as you can hear."

He couldn't help the slight chuckle. It was so nice to worry about normal things. "Yeah."

"Anyway, what about you? Are you calling for something or just a quick chat?"

"Uhm, yeah. Actually, I… I could really use your help."

"Of course. What's up?"

"I…" He swallowed. Saying these things out loud had always been difficult, but Sirius had also always been great at making it easier. In their first few years at Hogwarts, it was because he just couldn't take a no, but later he was much gentler and never made Remus feel stupid for feeling the things he did. Lily was great at it too, and Remus was grateful for her, but he just couldn't go on without Sirius. But that was why he was here. Lily would know what to do, and then everything would be okay.

"Things between Sirius and I have just been kind of… weird since I came back. I think he's upset that I was gone for much longer than planned, but he doesn't really want to talk about it. Or anything for that matter. He just seems so upset all the time."

"That's… odd." She frowned.

Remus's heart rate picked up in an instant. "What is?"

"Oh, oh no I didn't mean it like that." Her eyes were big, and she held up her hand defensively.

"Mean what?"

"Well…" She hesitated and while her eyebrows furrowed. "How long would you say he's been acting weird?"

"Ever since I came back, like six weeks ago."

She scratched her chin, peeling at a little scar there. "A few days ago, James and Sirius were talking for hours, and they seemed to be having fun. I said hi as well, and he didn't seem like that to me."

Remus wrapped his arm around his legs. Sirius used to love when he curled up, stating that it was adorable. But that was so far away. The last time Sirius had been acting this weird around Remus was back at Hogwarts. He figured out he was gay, which was quickly followed by the realization that he had a crush on Remus, which promptly caused a lot of panicking. Back then, Remus had thought Sirius didn't like him anymore because he had done everything to avoid being in the same room as him.

His throat was suddenly dry.

"Do… do you think he doesn't want to be with me anymore?"

"What?" Lily jumped forward as if she could leap through the mirror and shake some sense into him. "No, of course not. You guys are… you. I've never met anyone who felt more right than you two, and whatever this is, you'll get through it." She shook her head at herself. "Just… try and make him talk with you. He owes you that much, and if that doesn't work, call me and I'll give him an earful."

A slight smile forced itself onto his lips. "I don't even know what to say to him."

"I'll help. Come on! Get your pen and paper and we'll make a list."

Remus let her optimism carry him on, but if he was being honest with himself, he was slowly coming apart. Sirius had been his anchor through all of this; the only good consistent thing in his life was their relationship, and Sirius was the only thing that had kept him sane while he was captured by Greyback. Knowing that if he made it through that, Sirius would be waiting for him and then everything would be okay. Remus couldn't do any of this if he didn't have Sirius.

But Lily was right. A plan was what he needed, and then everything would be okay.

...

Remus had decided on the best way to go about it to guarantee success.

One, he would serve Sirius' favourite food and drinks, so he would go into this in a good mood.

Two, they would talk about everything and apologize for the misunderstandings.

Three, have some much-needed cuddle time in the same bed.

Four, live happily ever after.

He was just fixing up the last few things to make sure everything was perfect. Then he would get Sirius and set the plan in motion. And then everything would be okay. Sure, the war would still be there, but they would have each other and that was enough to get through it.

Remus was quickly gathering the courage he needed to get through this when Sirius barged out of their bedroom.

"Sirius! I was about to…" As he turned around, the words died in his mouth. Sirius was holding two big bags and stared at Remus with wide eyes. "What are you doing?"

Sirius threw the bags down. The bang echoed in his head. "I can't do this anymore."

Remus was suddenly very dizzy, and he had to hold onto the kitchen counter. "Do… do what?"

"This." Sirius gestured between them. His hands fell flat against his sides, and he swallowed before continuing. "It's all too much all the time and I need to be alone. I found a new flat and I'm moving there now."

Remus's fingers tightened around the edge of the counter. This couldn't happen. If Sirius moved, they could never work things out. If he took the mirror with him, Remus wouldn't be able to talk to Lily or James, and Peter was still locked up in his own flat. Remus would be all alone. And Sirius was just leaving. Had he even planned on saying anything?

The word forced itself out of his mouth before he could stop it.

"No."

Sirius was about to reach for his bags but stopped. "No?"

He took a deep shaky breath. "You can't just leave all of a sudden without giving any explanation as to why."

"You know why."

"No, I don't." Merlin, that word was liberating. "You never talk to me anymore. I keep trying and trying and trying and you keep shutting me down. I've been trying to be patient and I keep making excuses for you, but you're not giving me anything."

Sirius crossed his arms. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Well, I do."

They stared at each other for a few long minutes. Neither wanting to give in. Remus had never won this game before, but he had to try everything possible to make sure he could work things out with Sirius. Then finally, finally Sirius spoke.

"Okay."

Remus wasn't sure if he had heard him correctly at first, but then Sirius sat down at the table. It had lit candles and Remus suddenly felt silly, but he sat down and tried his best to ignore it. The plan was back on track. They just had to talk, and everything would fall into place.

The fear that Remus would lose all his friends if he messed this up kept growing in the back of his mind. Tears were already stinging in his eyes. "I just… I feel like you're so far away all the time. Everything has been so different since I came back; we haven't done any of the things we used to do. We haven't kissed, even hugged and barely touched each other in almost six months. I missed you when I was away." Remus wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "I miss you now."

He had expected Sirius to think it was silly. To say that Remus couldn't possibly miss him because he was right there, so Sirius' next words were a surprise. "I miss you too."

But that was good. Sirius still wanted him.

"Then let's just stick together, and then everything will be fine. Right?"

"Remus…" Sirius turned his head towards the ceiling. His mouth formed a little 'o' and he exhaled slowly; he was holding back tears. "That was a childish dream. I wish the world worked like that, but with war and protecting the people we love… things have changed."

"What changed?"

"You did."

Had he? Remus had been so focused on how Sirius had been acting that he hadn't even noticed his own behaviour. Maybe Remus did change, but so had Sirius.

"Why don't you call me 'Moony' anymore?"

The silent pain in Sirius' eyes was enough for him to know that everything was different. What they had had back then… their hopes and dreams for the future. War had stolen it.

"It doesn't feel right, that… was a different you. It was a different time. I'm sorry." Sirius quickly got out of his seat and sneakily wiped his eyes when he had his back to Remus. "I need to leave now…"

No.

No, no, no.

"I don't want you to leave."

Sirius was shaking. "I don't want to leave."

"Then don't," he cried. The last sliver of hope was slipping out of his hands and he was powerless to stop it.

"I have to. Remus, I'm really, really sorry, but I just can't stand being here anymore. You changed and it hurts. It's best that I leave now, but… I hope we come out on the same side after all of this is over." Sirius grabbed his bags and pushed the door open, before leaving though, he turned around for one last look.

Please stay.

"Goodbye."

The door clicked as it closed after him.

Remus couldn't move.

The pain pressed in his chest against his lungs, and he couldn't breathe. The room was spinning around him. Dizzy. Nauseous. Sirius wasn't there to ground him.

Sirius wasn't there.

Sirius…

After all this time, there was an aspect of Sirius' personality which hadn't changed, and it probably never would. He wasn't the life of the party, but the party itself.

And maybe Remus should have known better, because nobody could stay at a party forever.

They always eventually came to an end.