Their Own Silk Stalking
by Athena13

Chapter 1

Cassy watched dispassionately as Tom's fingers convulsed when the handcuffs were closed around his wrists. She could just see the side of his face in profile and yet even across the darkened squad room she could see the minute signs of Tom's surprise and distress at the sensation of being on the other side of an arrest. Still, despite this almost instinctive sense of his feelings she felt nothing. No sympathy, no shame or sadness. She couldn't even muster up any satisfaction despite the damaging cut he had delivered hours before.

"He'll be arraigned in a few hours," one of the officers present informed her of her partner's short-term fate..

Sergeant Cassandra St. John looked over to the shaded windows and realized that the sun had already risen. Absently she wondered why she didn't even feel tired either.

"Alexander wants a copy of the tape," Harry, referring to the District Attorney, informed his still-suspended detective. "Do you know what's on it?"

"Tom's version of a confession, I guess." Cassy shrugged carelessly not bothering to pretend to meet her Captain's eyes.

"St. John?" Harry said impatiently. His fugitive detective had left a confession and a trail of blood in his office, he needed a little more help than guesses in order to hold off the D.A.

"I don't know Harry, I only heard the end. He said to look for a body..." Cassy broke off abruptly. Even though she was dead she couldn't bear to even utter that woman's name.

"Let's listen to the tape," Harry said as he stalked into his office, waving away the uniforms who were still obviously debating whether to tape off the room as a crime scene.

Cassy didn't move to follow. She had no desire to hear Tom's confessional. She had already heard enough and it would just be more meaningless words to color the final breakdown of Thomas Ryan. Finally after years of waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under her it had happened. Cassy was too numb from the pain to even wonder whether it was his true feelings or whether they had managed, finally, to destroy the feelings that had brought them together in the first place.

"St. John!" Captain Harry Lipshitz's voice thundered out from his office.

Cassy obediently turned towards his office in response, but something made her hesitate. 'I'm suspended, he's not my boss!' she thought angrily, seizing upon the rationale to justify her course of action. Without a word she turned the other way and walked out of the bullpen and out of the building. She had never seen a more beautiful sunrise.

>>>>>>>

Captain Harry Lipshitz sat on the hard bench of the Palm Beach criminal court waiting for the clerk to call the docket. For the first time since his youth Harry had a sinking feeling in his stomach being there. Yes there were times he had been there to watch his officers be arraigned or even sentenced, but none of them were Thomas Ryan - a young man he and Frannie considered a son. He was there to vouch for his officer and friend in the hopes that bail would be granted while the District Attorney and Internal Affairs figured out just what Tom could be charged for.

Despite the taped "confession" and the endless interviews, no one was quite sure just what Tom had done wrong besides leaving town during a pending I.A. investigation into a crime for which it was now apparent he had been set up to commit. A few people were dead, but the extent of Tom's fault in those deaths had not been established. And Tom's acceptance of responsibility and blame was, Harry suspected, more from a sense of guilt than actual fault.

Still, Tom had left town and that would be a key argument the assistant district attorney would argue in urging the judge to deny bail.

Tom's hearing was due next and Harry was actually relieved that Cassy hadn't shown up. After listening to Tom's confessional, which Harry thought was more of a love letter to his absent partner, and speaking briefly with Tom in the jail Harry figured that her presence would be more of a distraction for Tom than a help. Though Harry did wish he knew where the woman had disappeared to. If she didn't show up by the end of the day he just might put an APB out for her.

Harry's musings were jarred by the sight of the District Attorney Craig Alexander himself entering the courtroom. Harry's jaw tightened. 'That son of a bitch is here to personally put Tom down!' Harry was enraged. How many times had Tom and Cassy's investigative work saved Alexander's butt or made him look good? Maybe it was time for Harry to retire. Losing Chris and Rita had been bad, but he still had Cassy and Tom and the work. Now there wasn't much left. He could always take up golf while Frannie was out doing her thing.

"The court calls the case of State versus Thomas Ryan," the clerk called from the box beside the Judge's bench.

Tears filled Harry's eyes as a shackled and disheveled Tom Ryan was led into the courtroom like a common criminal. Blinking quickly behind his glasses, Harry pushed aside his personal feelings and sat up straighter. A reassuring smile was firmly in place when Tom turned and saw him. Harry saw Tom's eyes scanning the courtroom and knew he was looking for Cassy.

Harry drummed his fingers impatiently as the charges were read to the judge. Judge Jacob Fein was a fair judge and one that Tom and Cassy had often appeared before, Harry hoped that the familiarity would work in Tom's favor.

"Your honor," Alexander stood up and began the State's argument. "We recognize the exemplary, until now, record of Sergeant Ryan and despite his flight from Palm Beach during the Internal Affair investigation the State would be willing to agree to release under supervision."

Harry canceled all of the bad thoughts he'd ever had about Craig, in the past month.

"Does the State have anyone in mind for such supervision?"Judge Fein asked.

"The State would be willing to release Sergeant Ryan to the care of his superior officer Captain Lipshitz," Alexander responded.

"Harry." Jake turned to his old friend. "Are you willing to accept responsibility for your detective and vouch for his remaining in the jurisdiction and making any required court appearances?"

"Yes, Sir," Harry had stood up and walked towards the bench.

"Fine, have Sergeant Ryan check in daily with the Probation Department." Judge Fein banged his gavel and granted the State's offer.

Harry turned towards the District Attorney and shook his hand. "Thank you Craig," Harry said appreciatively.

"Just make sure you stick around this time," Alexander said threateningly to Tom Ryan before turning and leaving the court room.

"I'll take him," Harry told the court officer.

The Deputy wasn't inclined to remind the Captain about any pending paperwork and with a nod from the Clerk shrugged and walked away to take care of more dangerous prisoners.

"Thank you, Harry," Tom spoke for the first time.

Harry nodded and began to lead Tom from the court room. As they walked he pulled a cellular phone from his pocket. "Frannie, Tom's coming home to us," Harry informed his relieved wife. Next to him Tom sighed. "What?" Harry asked after he ended the call.

"I wish I wasn't so much trouble for everyone, maybe I should just stay in jail," Tom said despondently.

"Don't you dare talk like that!" Harry turned angrily to face the young man. "You got a real raw deal Tom Ryan and while I won't pretend you've handled all of this in the most rational manner, I will not tolerate you giving up. That damn tape was bad enough!"

"Yes, sir," Tom said, but not very convincingly. "Did you know Alexander was going to release me?" Tom asked.

"No, I had no idea," Harry shook his head.

"Where's Cassy?" Tom finally asked, his heart pounding his chest like a clock, or a time bomb. Somehow, it had felt that way with every second that passed without being to convince Cassy that he hadn't meant his cruel words back on the island. As stubborn as Cass had always accused him of being, she was right up there next to him and the longer she had to convince herself that he had meant what he had said the more impossible it would be to convince her otherwise.

"I don't know, she walked out of the station this morning and I haven't heard from her since. She's not answering her phone," Harry admitted as he turned onto the road towards home.

Tom sighed and rubbed his forehead to try and dislodge his pounding headache. "Did she say anything?" Tom asked.

"No," Harry informed him.

"Damn," Tom swore under his breath.

"I listened to the tape," Harry said meaningfully.

"Meaning you know what I said to her." Tom closed his eyes and leaned his head back, too tired to even be still furious with himself.

"I'd ask what possessed you to say that Tom, but I doubt you could answer me." Harry shook his head. He couldn't help but think how grateful he was to have such an easy relationship with his beloved wife. Well, easy might not be the right word, but certainly not the sad and torturous relationship his two favorite detectives put themselves through.

"Possessed is probably the right word," Tom admitted, his chest constricting.

>>>>>>>

She hadn't even bothered taking off her shoes as she sat curled in a lounge chair on her deck overlooking the ocean. Her will had carried her out here as soon as she had gotten home obviously harboring a desperate belief that being near the ocean would calm her as it always had done before. Now, four hours later she was stiffened and parched and no closer to any solitude than she had been from the moment Thomas had told her he was marrying Virginia. It was the moment that it had all come crashing down around Cassy, somehow the vortex of her life had finally managed to pull Tom's life down with her own. Once again.

She was thirty two years old and couldn't think of one damn accomplishment. With a bitter smile she recounted the state of her life. A failed marriage. Partnered with the man she whose life she had ruined so that she could slowly deteriorate what leaving him had left of his heart and soul. Suspended from her career. Suspended from her life seemed more accurate in her estimation.

'Why didn't I walk away from the partnership when I realized he was still in love with me? Or wanted to win me,' Cassy asked herself for the thousandth time, this time with the correction Tom had forced on her the night before. In either permuation it was a useless question and one she had answered for herself about four months ago. Right before Tom had met that woman. With a ragged breath she buried her eyes into the heel of her hands. Futilely she rubbed them trying to ease the burning sensation. Still, she couldn't even bring tears to her eyes. Dry. She was just wrung dry.

Her heart ached as the sound of Tom's confessional replayed itself in her mind. In all the years and all the situations they had been through together, never had she heard him sound so...broken. Even in the hotel room his desperation still had a spark of life in it. Some hope, however, angry and twisted.

She had once said that hope sprung eternal for Tom Ryan. How different had she been herself waiting around all this time for something to drop out of the sky and make it possible for them to be together? They made themselves out to be star crossed lovers, when in fact he had never really loved her. No, he loved a woman who didn't really exist.

Cassy's arms dropped to her side as tears finally came to her eyes. Well, something had dropped from the sky and now she knew what she had to do. With tears falling in earnest down her cheeks she rose slowly and headed for the telephone.

>>>>>>>>

Tom shivered as he faced the closed door. It was another warm Spring day in Palm Beach, yet he couldn't fight off the chill in his heart as he steeled himself. As another minute passed his look of trepidation turned to a scowl. Her car was in the driveway and her windows were open, he knew she was home. After another ring and another minute of waiting he awkwardly pulled his keys out of his pocket. He slid the key into the lock and as he began to turn he realized it wasn't locked. His hand tightened around the door knob, half in anger and half in trepidation. It wasn't like Cassy to leave the house unsecured, there had been a few too many close calls.

"Cass," Tom called out as he walked into the townhouse. His eyes scanned the room and found evidence that she had been there. The deck doors were standing open, her purse was dropped in the middle of the living room floor and a full glass of water sat on the coffee table. His hand touched the glass and confirmed that it had long gone warm. There didn't appear to be any struggle and his shoulders relaxed. He ignored the twinge in his injured arm.

"Cass?" he called again as he eyed the still blinking light on the answering machine where his messages remained unheard. Or at least not listened to again as he assumed she had heard them when he had left them.

Tom headed up the stairs and continued his search. When he walked past the spare room that doubled as guest room and office he noticed some paperwork on the desk, but no Cassy.

Cassy's bedroom door was wide open and he immediately recognized her form curled up under the bed sheet. Tears came to his eyes as his intimate knowledge of this woman clued him in to her emotional state. If the uncharacteristic clutter downstairs wasn't enough, she had similarly dropped her clothes to the floor and left them where they fell. He walked towards the bed, heedless of the finery and frippery that his sneaker clad feet trampled over, and knelt down at the side of the bed. The knot in his chest tightened as he studied her tear stained face and almost fetal position. With his uninjured arm he reached out and tenderly stroked her damp cheek, his breath stirred the hair lying on her cheek.

How could he ever say he never loved her? His mistake was not in marrying her but in letting her go, in letting his stupid pride be more important than his wife. Did it really matter if the sheets were feminine looking sometimes? Was it so hard to pick up his clothes after he got undressed? Or not throw the wet towel onto the floor after he showered? Was his freedom to live like he always had more important than her comfort and security?

Somehow, at the time it seemed important. Perhaps if he had been willing to bend she would have too? It wasn't as if neither of them had done so over the years of their professional relationship both before and after their marriage.

"I didn't mean it, any of it," Tom whispered as she opened her blue eyes.

"Tom?" Cassy's sleepy voice broke through his self-flagellation. He watched in fascination as her unguarded tenderness abruptly ended and she remembered the circumstances of their waking lives. "They let you out," she observed as she backed away from him and began to sit up.

Tom ignored her obvious desire to distance herself from him and sat down on the side of the bed.

"I don't think you should do that," Cassy said warily as she clutched the sheet to her chest.

"What?" Tom looked at her in confusion. He had expected her to either get up and act with the same cold dispassion she had at the station or to put on her armor of anger and order him out of there. Her expressive body language took him off guard.

"You shouldn't be here." Cassy pulled the sheet closer around her naked body.

"I was hurting and I wanted to hurt you." Tom reached a hand out towards her.

"I was trying to help you." Cassy looked away, ignoring his hand.

"You were also trying to make me see something that I..."

"You couldn't admit you were wrong." Cassy gave a bitter laugh. "So you told me it was a mistake to marry me and you never loved me. Maybe our marriage was a mistake in a lot of ways, but I never thought it was because of a lack of love. You weren't just lashing out, Ryan, it was too calculated and way too cutting. If you wanted to lash out you could have kicked me out or called me a bitch, you didn't do that," Cassy shook her hair, oblivious to the strands of golden hair that stuck to her damp cheek.

"It wasn't calculated just easy for me. I took what I know to be your biggest fear and I used it to hurt you so that we would both be hurting. Maybe it was my twisted way of trying to bring us closer together, not have you saving my ass or telling me I was wrong," Tom wondered out loud.

"Easy? You call that easy?" Cassy turned to glare at him.

"Don't you think I don't know your fears like the back of my hands? You've accused me of wearing my heart on my sleeve, maybe I do, but you wear your fears on yours. And that was the very fear I've always blamed for driving us apart. I know that you've always been afraid I couldn't really love you because of the way your mother abandoned you as a child. It was like you don't trust me or my love for you," Tom explained with brutal honesty.

"So you've been angry with me all of these years and it was just waiting for the right time," Cassy didn't bother to ask out loud how that explanation was supposed to make her feel better. Or trust him.

"Yes."

"Did you love her?" Cassy's sudden change of topic caught Tom off guard.

"I thought I did." Tom's face stiffened and his eyes darkened in pain and anger.

"What does it take for you to be sure Tom?" Cassy asked, her strategy now becoming obvious.

'Don't let it be said that Cassandra St. John thinks fuzzily after being woken up and days of likely sleep deprivation.' Tom gave himself a mental shake. "Cassy we'd known each other for years before we got married," Tom reminded her.

"And yet after three months you got engaged to...her," Cassy pointed out. "I've seen it so many times over the years. You fall so fast and so hard, it was no different with me. When we finally got together, however, you couldn't help yourself from doing everything you could to protect your turf and push me away."

"What are you talking about?" Tom's forehead crinkled in confusion.

"We're talking about me and you. We fought about sheets, about towels in the bathroom, about leaving things on the floor, our schedules and just about anything that either one of us had to change or compromise on in order to live together. That didn't look, sound or feel like love Tom, but I still believed it was. Now I see that you sought your goal and you won and when you got it you didn't want it anymore. What kept you running after Virginia was that just when you thought you had won she ran off again."

Cassy stood up and began to pace at the foot of the bed. "All I've heard for years is how I hurt poor Thomas and his fragile heart, but not once did I hear that I could put whatever pattern of sheets on the bed I wanted or that you would pick up your dirty socks and hang up your wet towel. Not once did you offer to compromise," Cassy said with barely suppressed rage.

"This from Miss 'the-dishes-have-to-be-cleaned this way'! You didn't exactly offer compromise," Tom shot back.

"I might have, but you were never home to hear it." Cassy refused to have another argument about who was worse.

"I was working!" Tom said angrily.

"Most of the time, but not all of it. I'm not pretending I was anymore prepared to be married than you were," Cassy conceded.

"Then what is your point?" Tom said in frustration.

"How do you know you really love someone? You thought after three months that she would make a better wife than I did and you knew practically nothing about her. And even after you did discover who and what she was you stubbornly and recklessly continued to try and convert her, to save her. Maybe you were trying to save me from feeling unlovable, as you put it," Cassy said the last part as if she was surprised by the conclusion.

"So I can't love, that's ridiculous." Tom waved his hand to dismiss the notion.

"I'm not saying you can't love Tom. You're one of the most compassionate and caring man I have ever known and I know that you love your family and friends fiercely. I just can't tell when and if you love a woman behind all of your need, hope and stubbornness," Cassy said sadly. "I know I'm not expressing this very well."

"What is your point?" Tom demanded.

"Maybe you never really loved me, but the biggest mistake was this partnership. If we hadn't inadvertently played these games all of these years maybe you wouldn't be where you are right now. I should have left when I meant to leave," Cassy said bitterly. "You asked where we go from here, away. We don't go anywhere, I go away, once and for all."

"What a surprise, things get messy and Cassandra St. John has to leave!" Tom stood up. "Just like her mother!"

"I'm nothing like my mother was!" Cassy stood up, angered by his comparison. "You are not my child, however much you may act like one."

"What am I to you. We've spent a lot of time discussing my feelings, but how did you feel about me. You're the one who left the marriage." Tom walked over to her and wrapped his fingers around her upper arm.

"I left the marriage because there was no marriage." Cassy looked him in the eyes as she spoke.

Tom's eyes closed and he dropped her arm. "She could never take your place, no one ever could." Tom opened his eyes, which were now filled with tears. "I never meant to hurt you. Please don't leave."

Cassy's heart ached and her fingers tingled with the need to touch his pained face, but she knew she couldn't give in to the pleading. She had left him once and it was the hardest thing she had ever done. Leaving him and all chance of even seeing him would be even harder, but she didn't see any other option now. "I"m leaving Palm Beach. It's best for both of us."

Tom stared silently at her, his hazel eyes boring holes into her soul. Just when Cassy thought he was turning to walk out his hand shot out and he buried his fingers in her hair.

"Then you're going to leave knowing how much I have always loved you and just what you're walking away from," he promised before capturing her mouth in an almost punishing kiss.

Cassy's fingers dug into Tom's back.

>>>>>>>
A few hours later

Tom stood by the side of the bed and drank in the sight of Cassy's naked form sleeping on the bed below him. With the tips of his fingers he traced over her hip to her breast, his body surging with renewed arousal as her lips parted to sigh in response to his touch, even in her sleep. Trembling, he pulled his arm away.

Shoulders slumped in resignation he turned and walked out of the room.

Cassy's eyes opened and drank in her last sight of him.

End of Chapter 1