Italics denotes flashback or memory

Chapter 10
Wednesday, May 26, 1999

"Pride isn't worth being alone," Evelyn St. John warned her daughter, tears in her eyes as she remembered the man she had once come to love and the opportunity she had wasted.

"But how can you be happy with someone you allowed to steal your pride?" Cassy wasn't convinced.

"The time will come Cassy when you're alone like I am and you'll wonder why you believed your pride was more important than your heart, than forgiveness," Evelyn warned.

The words her mother had said to her a scant seven months before echoed through her mind as she hung up the phone. As she remembered her disbelief of her mother's rare, but insightful advice the tears began to flow down her cheeks. Clutching a pad to her chest she began to sob. So many times she had chosen pride and logic over the dictates of her heart. And now someone was trying to make sure that she didn't get the opportunity to make up for the pain she had caused or come to terms with what she had given up. Like Patrick.

Homecoming King and Queen. Head Cheerleader and Star Quarterback. Best Athlete and Medalist Gymnast. Favorite Couple. If there was a cliche to put to her high school relationship she and Patrick had filled it. And at the end of those three years she had walked away with nary a glance to return to Florida and attend college without any ties to the boy back home. It wasn't that she didn't love him, it was jsut that Cassy had instinctively known that a long distance relationship wouldn't work so she ended it. She had spent years congratulating herself for the mature decision since she and Patrick had remained friends, only drifting apart after her marriage to Tom and its subsequent dissolution. Not wanting to admit failure Cassy had let a lot of old friendships drift away during that time. And now Patrick was dead, because of her.

"Cassy?" Tom's voice broke through the haze of depression and despair that had settled over her. "What happened?" Cautiously he sat down on the bed.

Instead of answering him Cassy held out the pad she had been clutching to her chest.

"Oh Cass," Tom sighed as he saw the notes she had taken from a conversation she had had with the Austin, Texas police. The gruesome details of Patrick Jensen's murder were scrawled across the lines of the pad.

"I missed the funeral," she said as she took the tissues Tom held out. "It was this morning. I never got to say goodbye. I don't even know why I said goodbye. To so many people."

Tom looked at Cassy with a tinge of surprise in his expression. Her words sounded remarkably like regret or self doubt. Both things Cassy rarely wasted time and energy on. "You can still say goodbye. When this is all over."

"He was, they were killed because of me, Tom." Tom felt her begin to tremble. He swallowed past a lump in his throat as Cassy looked up at him with a vulnerable look in her blue eyes. He pulled the pen from her limp fingers and placed both it and the pad onto the bedside table. She might still hate him, but she obviously needed him as well. As he had longed to do many times over the past weeks Tom leaned forward and took her trembling form into his arms, careful of the wires from the heart monitor that still sprang out from her hospital gown. His eyes closed as Cassy embraced him, her fingers digging into his back.

Five minutes later Cassy's trembling had eased, yet she still clutched at him as if he was her lifeline.

"Tom?" Cassy looked up at him.

"Yeah?" Tom pressed his lips to her exposed forehead.

"Please be careful, promise me you're being careful. I couldn't stand it if something happened to you," she said fervently.

"You mean you'd cry more than this?" he teased, trying to lighten the moment.

"I'm not kidding, I need..."

Whatever Cassy had been about to say was lost as Doctor Dupuis entered the room.

"I'm sorry, Cass, I didn't know you had a visitor. I'll come back later," Sam Dupuis apologized.

"Sam." Cassy turned the wattage up on her smile. Tom couldn't help but feel brushed aside. "I've been on this monitor for about thirty hours now, do you think maybe we can shut it off now? You said yourself the normal time is twenty-four hours and everything has been fine."

Sam's eyes narrowed at her blatant attempt to charm him.

"I'll promise to lay here and get sleep for the rest of the time. I can't sleep on my back," Cassy prodded.

"She has you wrapped around her fingers doesn't she?" Sam asked rhetorically as he walked over and turned off the monitor.

"Thank you!" Cassy breathed a sigh of relief. "That beeping was driving me insane."

"I'll have the nurse remove the sensors and then I'll examine you and then you'll get that promised sleep." Sam tried to be stern.

"Yes, Sir." Cassy saluted.

Tom pasted on a smile to hide the fact that he wished he could have heard what Cassy had been about to say to him.

"We'll be back in a few minutes," Sam warned the pair before leaving the room.

"You were about to tell me something," Tom reminded Cassy.

"We can talk about it after I'm out of here." Cassy was clearly back in control of herself. "I'm being released late this afternoon. We really should discuss the mechanics of security and getting my clothes and stuff from my house. I don't want to go back there right now," she admitted quietly.

"I'll have it taken care of. Harry won't let either of us near the scene," Tom disclosed.

"Have there been any breaks? Who's in charge of the investigation if he won't let you near the house?" Cassy was worried.

"Peterson and Benedict are the leads. Harry and I are also working on the situation, but I'm viewed as more of a potential target at this point." Tom ran his hand through his hair in obvious frustration. The only reason he was putting up with it was because it was the only way he could hope to get Cassy to keep herself safe once she was released from the hospital.

"Bradley told me that Harry had contacted him about their case," she referred to the lead officer in Austin. "There was some physical evidence they're working on, but no matches yet."

"Sterling's team found some hairs that might lead somewhere. Austin is matching it up now. How did you get Bradley to talk to you?" Tom asked.

"Harry warned him I would be calling," Cassy admitted she hadn't done any fancy footwork. "He wouldn't let Sterling talk to me yet though."

Tom nodded but was suddenly bereft of words.

"Tom...did you mean what you said in the hotel room back in Key Nuevo?" her expression was eerily blank yet earnest.

Tom felt as if he had been punched in the chest at her question. The answer were words he had replayed over and over in his mind for weeks and that sat at the tip of his tongue every moment he spent with her. This was the first time, however, that she seemed ready to really listen to him. Yet for some reason he couldn't quite grasp he suddenly wasn't ready to have that conversation. 'Trust,' his inner voice told him. Glad that he wasn't on a heart monitor, Tom sat down on the side of Cassy's bed. Both Cassy and Virginia had done a number on his ability to trust. For the first time he could empathize with Cassy.

"I didn't mean it. I was hurting and I wanted to finally see you hurting too. I guess at the time I felt as if it was always me hurting." He could admit that much, but not ready yet to tell her more.

"So you did love me?" Cassy studied every nuance of his expression.

"I..." Tom's breathing sped up as he tried to find either the courage or the words.

"Sorry, Tom, my patient needs her rest if I'm going to spring her this afternoon," Sam interrupted saving Tom and disappointing Cassy.

"We'll talk about this later," Tom promised and flashed her a charming smile. "You get some sleep and be a good patient."

"Look who's talking." Cassy raised her eyebrows at him.

Tom walked with his head down through the corridors of Palm Beach Memorial Hospital. It wasn't exactly the place where he wanted to be alone with his thoughts, but Harry had distinctly barred him from any other public place for the time being believing that there were too many unknowns in the situation to make him a target.

At the time Tom hadn't been too upset. As a cop he had to agree because they had no idea how many people were involved in whatever was going on or what their goal was. As a man he hadn't wanted to be far from Cassy's side either. Despite the doctor's assurances, he had a feeling there was more going on than they had been told. Cassy being kept on the heart monitor past the standard safety zone, for one thing, had concerned him. He had also expected Cassy's emotional reaction to Patrick's death and to the gruesome and scary scene she had endured.

But now he felt trapped. He had not expected Cassy to even tolerate his presence once her initial trauma was over. He definitely had not expected her seemingly open communication.

Seemingly. That word highlighted the depth of his distrust. While Cassy's leaving their marriage may have hurt him, it hadn't been a surprise or the result of deception and yet he still couldn't bring himself to fully trust her now. Thanks to Virginia.

He should be glad, grateful even, that she seemed to want his presence.

"Need," he said softly to himself. She had begun to say she needed something...him? Cassy very rarely said she needed anything or anyone. Least of all him.

Full of nervous energy Tom continued his mechanical trek through the hospital, unexpectedly finding himself at the maternity ward. With a wistful smile on his face he stood in front of the display of babies. It seemed sort of barbaric to invade their privacy this way, but Tom couldn't help but feel jealous at how simple their lives were. He wished he had that type of innocence.

When he was younger he had assumed he would be a happily married man with children by this time. Looking at the little babies now, he was suddenly more relieved than he had ever been that he hadn't had children yet. How could he raise a child when he couldn't even raise himself.

End Chapter 10