Disclaimer: I Do not own any of Tolkien wonderful characters. Know that…
Here is a story all of you may remember from about a year ago. It was part of my short story collection before fanfiction admin decided to delete it. So now it will stand alone, along with a few other stories I may decide to upload.
How it All got Started!
(Here's something shiny for you today in a 3-part story thing.)
"HERE YE! HERE YE! ALL YE GOOD TOWNS PEOPLE-YE!"
This is the story that so many have wondered about. It answers the question that so many have asked:
"When you eat jellybean flavored lip gloss why does it taste like fish?"
No…wait that's wrong…
How did Legolas come to be at the cheese castle?
I have spent many a day and many nights pondering over this thing and then one night near 2am it hit me!
Suddenly it all made sense at that moment I knew how Legolas came to be at the cheese castle.
And so I have been inspired to write this account of how Legolas came to the cheese castle.
In the fanfiction universe, the Lord of the Rings Fandom world to be exact, where all the authoresses live (Including me), one must always be very careful.
There are many dangers that you have to look out for like, evil authoress and their pets, some insane fan girl rulers bent on stealing your precious Lord of the Rings character that you worked so hard to steal or :Cough, cough: buy or rob your castle that you worked so hard for or a variety of all of those.
I thought of this as I sat next to Jackie in the auction room, armed with my biggest cheese turkey and cheese ball gun sending shifty looks to anyone who got close to me.
This seemingly calm place could be full of fan girls and evil people that are just waiting for you to leave the building with your new Lord of the Rings character that you just bought with your hard-earned reviews and whatever else you had to offer.
That's what we were doing here in the first place in this room that closely remembered a movie theater.
A group of hunting fan girls captured Aragorn in Gondor the other day and Jackie, along with about every other authoress in the fanfiction world was gathered here to try and buy him.
Jackie had called me at 4 am screaming in the phone to me about getting up and getting dressed and rushing down to the auction house.
I wasn't very happy about having to get up so early but I went anyway, she's my bestest friend after all and I know she has been following the great Aragorn hunt in the 'Fanfiction Daily Times' and had her heart set on buying him.
She had saved all her reviews and money and neopoints and whatever else she had to save to buy him for months and months and now hoped that she had enough to get him and take him back to her castle without fangirl interference.
I smiled to myself and put my feet up on the back of the chair in front of me revealing my cheese colored striped socks from under my black Capri pants.
Jackie was staring straight ahead, unblinking with and expression of extreme concentration on her face, waiting for the auction to begin.
I myself wasn't here to bid on Aragorn, no no for I was after someone else.
The one they say no one can catch, not even the most skilled fan girls stand a chance. The one that half of all the girls in the world were currently attempting to stalk, hunt or capture.
Yes, I speak of Legolas.
They say that no one can capture him but they don't know me.
I am quite the elf hunter if I do say so myself. I have trained at the fan girl academy for 4 years and have learned the proper ways to take down an elf. I have learned the arts of loud ear shattering squealing, stalking silently through the forest, what creatures of the fandom are evil, what types of meow mix are edible, how to overthrow an Elven establishment, how to sneak into one and much much more.
After all I am the one responsible for that whole incident with Haldir that made front page head lines about a month ago …Hehehe, He's probably living somewhere in the fandom locked away with some evil fan girl. I do feel a bit bad about that.
The key word here is 'a bit'.
Yes, I have a plan to steal Legolas that I shall put into effect one of these days in the near future.
I smiled again and pulled my cheese colored hat over my head. Jackie suddenly shrieked and grabbed my hand as the curtain went up and the creepy old auctioneer followed by three girls walked on to the stage.
All the fan girls started shrieking and jumping around.
"Quiet!" the auctioneer commanded
The noise continued, from our seat in the 3rd row Jackie and I could look back and see everyone going nuts. Jackie insisted that we come five hours early to make sure we got a seat.
"Quiet I say!"
Still the uproar commenced.
"YO, SHUT UP!" He shouted into a microphone
Silence…
He cleared his throat and continued in a bored tone.
"Welcome to the 8th auction of an unfortunate Lord of the Rings character. I see a few familiar faces out there from last time and I also see the one that called the last auction."
The spotlight swooped down on me.
"Uh hi?" I said, "Yeah, its me THE Cheese Turkey!"
Lots of people clapped. Hey, I got a really good deal for Haldir, The great sought after Talking Cheese of Cheesetopia that said 'no' after every word. It was a great conversation piece.
"But anyway, this auction has been called by Queen Sponge Monkey, Hanna M and Lorthriel for the auction of Aragorn, the poor man who was captured from Gondor last week as I'm sure you know. So with out further delay…let the auction begin! Bids start at-
Hanna grabbed the microphone, "Bid start at 10,000…whatever you have to offer my fellow fan girls!"
Queen Sponge Monkey grabbed it next, "WOOOT!"
Then Lorthriel took the microphone and whacked Sponge Monkey over the head, "Remember, Winner get Aragorn for keeps!"
The fan girls went wild again and started bidding everything they owned. I sat up and listened intently, this was pretty cool. I heard bids of gold encrusted sporks, silver monkeys, sacred Meow Mix from the holy temple of Emperor Chi Ghu Woot, the rare uni-browed chickens, extraordinary uskarats (Don't ask), the all blessed cheese cake from above, the penguins of five colors, dreaded and feared plot bunnies, and lots of other stuff that any authoress, including me, would kill for.
Jackie was silent for a while waiting for the uproar to die down a bit so it was certain that her bid would be heard. Then she stood up and shouted:
"THE Great Parrot Mask of OZ!"
The room fell silent and everyone turned to stare at her. Hanna nodded to her.
"Going once…going twice…s-
"SPONGEBOB SQUARE PANTS!" another girl stood up and shouted
Everyone gasped and looked back at her. The greatest want of all humor authoresses, the great random sponge that bears the name of Bob. Almost nothing was better than that!
Hanna, Queen Sponge Monkey and Lorthriel all gasped too. They nodded eagerly.
"Going once…"
Jackie sat down and sighed defeated. Nothing could beat spongebob. I pondered all options quickly.
"Going twice…"
I just about shouted and whispered an idea in Jackie's ear.
"Sol-
"A CHEESE TURKEY!" Jackie yelled as loud as she could
There was a collective gasp from everyone in the room, even the creepy old auctioneer blinked rapidly. Hanna, Queen Sponge Monkey and Lorthriel grabbed the gavel from him and whacked it against the podium as hard as they could.
"SOLD TO…what's your name?" Lorthriel asked
"Jackie, Queen of Squirrels!" Jackie informed and bowed
"Ok! SOLD TO JACKIE QUEEN OF SQUIRRELS!" Lorthriel screamed and whacked the gavel once more for good measure
Jackie smiled hugely and hugged me.
"ThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyou!" she exclaimed
"Your welcome! Now come on we have to go up there, they are about to bring Aragorn out!" I replied and pulled her up to the stage with me
I whistled for my cheese turkey that was waiting outside and a few moments later he came stomping in he floated over to the stage and landed with a thud. Yes, my cheese turkeys are much bigger than normal turkeys. This one was about the size of a horse.
While the deal was being finalized and Jackie was trying not to pass out, I grabbed the reigns of my cheese turkey and led him over to Queen Sponge Monkey who happily accepted him.
I would miss that cheese turkey, he was one of my best ones but it was worth it. I gave the cheese turkey one last pet and turned to Jackie who was overly happy, as I haven't seen her in years.
It was then Lorthriel pulled Aragorn out onto the stage and all the fan girls in the room went wild. They were restrained my very large security guards with nightsticks.
Jackie just stood there gaping at him, I waved.
"So which one of you just got me?" he asked sort of annoyed
"Her, I'm Cheesy by the way," I said.
"HI ARAGORN I'M JACKIE!" Jackie screeched loudly
"Okay, hi," He replied and sighed, "So where are we going?"
"OH! To my castle! Do you like parrots? My castle is parrot themed! I like parrots, but we have to go soon before the fan girl attack and I don't want them to get you. But don't worry I'm not an evil fan girl; I won't attack you or anything! I'm nice compared to some of them and-
"Jackie, I think he gets it," I said.
Jackie smiled hugely and fainted.
(Later that night at the cheese castle)
I sat on the cheese shaped couch, watching TV, sipping on some hot chocolate, and eating a box of mint chocolate Girl Scout cookies.
The castle was quite a silent lonely place with no one here but the cheese turkeys and me. I usually invite friends over but it was late and everyone else would be sleeping by now or typing away on their stories as 2 am was as good of a time as any for creative genius to hit.
I got up from the couch and walked over to my precious computer and got on AOL instant messenger. I randomly selected a chat room and said 'hello this is Cheesy but you can probably guess that from the screen name.'
I was instantly hit with about 50 instant messages all asking me if they could have and cheese turkey, saying that they saw me at the auction today or some other random question.
I answered 'no' to all the ones requesting a cheese turkey and deleted all the messages of the annoying fan girls, with all their annoying obnoxious screen names, asking me to capture someone for them. A few minuets later another message popped up from someone I recognized.
THEPinkPrincess…
Kileana, my archenemy, she was just as good at fangirl hunting and knew it too but she used her skills for EVIL fangirl things that we won't go into now. She owned an ugly pink castle far south of mine and was still angry over the fact that I refused to join forces with her. Ever since we have been constantly trying to out do each other in everything.
'Hello, my inferior friend.' The message said, 'You will never guess what I just got. Its something very…'shiny' as you would said.'
Oh she was good, she knew I couldn't help but ask no matter how much I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of doing so. So I did ask her.
'Oh just a little something one of my minions dug up for me on restricted websites,' She replied with her usual annoying attitude.
'Just spit it out!' I said angrily
This Evil Rabid Fangirl knew just how to annoy me.
'Fine since you obviously cannot control your temper…I have what every fangirl and hunter have been looking for endlessly since we began to invade the fandom…I just got the blueprints, access codes and that strange Russian Polka dance of Mirkwood. And I think you know what that means…'
I spit my hot chocolate all over my computer and gasped loudly. Blueprints, access codes and Russian Polka basically meant she would have Legolas delivered to her on a silver platter…that would be quite interesting if you took that last part literally…but no matter, she couldn't be the one to capture Legolas! I had to do something and I couldn't do it alone I would need help…from one of their kind.
I needed a rabid fangirl, one that I knew and had accidentally converted into her fangirl ways. She was a great hunter and had just captured Pippin a few weeks ago. I knew she would be down for another hunt so I grabbed the phone and called Casey.
"HUH? WHO'S THIS?" came the screeching voice of the little red haired menace to elves everywhere, there was a gasp, "ARE YOU A STALKER? OH MY GOD! IT IS!"
"No, no Casey listen! It's me Cheesy! You know…'the shiny cheese girl'?" I said loudly and slowly
There was a long pause and I had thought that she had hung up on me when there was a loud happy scream.
"OOOOH CHEESY! IT SOOOOOO GOOD TO HERE FROM YOU!"
I held the phone away from my ear as she screamed into it, "Yes Casey and I have a matter of great importance to talk to you about."
"Okay then cheese lady, what is it?"
"What would you say if I told you that the plan we have been working on to capture Legolas would finally put into action?"
More silence, I soon realized that she did not understand me. I sighed and dumbed it down a bit.
"You and me, shiny plan, Elfy now!" I said slowly
"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY! WOW YOU MEAN IT CHEESY!" Casey exploded
"Yes, yes I mean it! We are going to leave tonight as soon as possible. I'm going to get Jackie here and we are going to head to Mirkwood. Can you be here?" I asked forgetting to dumb it down
"Uuughhhhh……Yea! I can buy the toaster!"
"NO! You come to cheese shiny place now!"
"Okay, yeah I can do that too! You still want the toaster?" Casey asked
"NO! Just come! Turk-out!" I said and hung up
I had much to do to get ready and so little time to do it. Kileana had cronies everywhere some were probably already in the Mirkwood forest right now.
OoooO
"Cheesy, this is madness!" Jackie exclaimed as we set off down the silent streets of Cheese and Crackers, the town that I live in, on giant cheese turkeys, "How are we possibly going to get into Mirkwood with no access code, blueprints of Russian Polka? Your plan is good but still Kileana is going to have like 50 fangirls in there you don't think they will notice you?"
"I know, I thought of all that too. That is why after Kileana's minions get past all the security systems and its all clear, we walk right in after them disguised as one of their own. Fan Girls United has so many members its not like they will recognize us," I said munching on some mint girl scout cookies that I brought along, "Besides we can just ask Casey what goes on there. Didn't you serve a semester at their school Case?"
She nodded like a spaz making her red hair fly everywhere.
"See Jackie? We just have to dress in all pink and act stupid," I said and turned my cheese turkey left, "It will work, I know. And even though we don't have blueprints you forget that I have been to Mirkwood before on official fanfiction business."
Casey gasped, "Did you see Elfy!"
"No, unfortunately I didn't, though I did see Thranduil and Elrond. Why Elrond was there is just further proving my theory of Elven Lord Conspiracy."
Jackie laughed aloud, "Let's not go into that again!"
"Fair enough, but it will happen one day I tell ya!"
"How much further is it to the shiny elf place! My butt is numb!" Casey complained.
I rolled my eyes, "I told you, it's about 10 miles to the gates and then we will come to the 'teleportal' thing that should put us right outside Mirkwood."
"Then Elfy! But this is sooo boring!" Casey exclaimed throwing her arms in the air and almost falling off the cheese turkey.
"Then shut up and think of Elfy until we get there!" Jackie suggested
Casey pouted but did it anyway.
OoooO
The border patrols at the gates were some tough people to get past. The wouldn't let just anyone into Middle Earth, you had to have a special passport, papers, salsa dip, and good and proper reason for wanting to get though. They rarely let fangirls in and under no circumstances, no way no how did they let Mary Sues in. But somehow they kept getting in anyway making it hard for the rest of us good law abiding citizens (Heh, yeah right) of the fandom to get past.
The rules of that gate were as follows…No taking anything into Middle Earth that you planed to leave there that could alter the story in anyway, No taking things and or people out of Middle Earth, No unruly conduct, No harassing and or annoying the citizens of Middle Earth, No sale or trade of anything from the fandom in Middle Earth, No photographs of the citizens of Middle Earth unless you have their written permission and absolutely, under no circumstances is the writing of any fanfiction of any kind to be constructed in Middle Earth.
I and just about everyone one else to past through the gates and enter the portal has broken every single rule and then some. And boy did I have a good time doing it. My Favorite was when I visited Rivendell and followed Elrond everywhere. And no matter how many times he told me to call him Lord Elrond I would call him nothing else but 'Eyebrow Man'.
I laughed to myself as the three of us slowed our cheese turkey and the border control people came over.
"Passports, papers and salsa dip!" demanded a tough looking woman in a full body suit of armor
The three of us surrendered these objects and waited.
"All right, everything seems to be in order," She said and handed back our passports and papers but she kept the salsa and stared eating it, "What's your business in Middle Earth?"
"We are delivering a letter to the king of Mirkwood asking permission to write a fanfiction based in his home," I said and took a letter out of my backpack.
"You'd better let me see that. It could be a bomb threat, or have sleeping powder in it so you and you evil authoress kind could take over Mirkwood and overthrow the rule of the Elves and cause imbalance in the world of Middle Earth and-
"Dude, it's a letter about a fanfiction," Jackie said flatly.
"Yeah…check it out it you want," I said and handed her the letter.
She took it and looked at it suspiciously. She sniffed it and even licked it before she returned it. I am so going to need a new envelope…
"Its fine I guess, but I had better not here about you 3 causing trouble! You may enter the portal now," She said wagging a finger at us, "You have 48 hours!"
We nodded in thanks and she opened the gate and turned on the large swirling green portal that generated lightning and a strong wind. Why portals always do that is beyond me, must be a portal thing…
I patted my cheese turkey when he started to get nervous (he never liked this part) and we rode forward and got sucked up by the portal.
TBC
OoooO