How it all got Stated Part 2
"I guess Cheesy kinda stole me too. But what happened on the night of my abduction is still kinda foggy. I think I was drugged or something…" – Legolas (From the Desk of Miss THE Cheese Turkey, chapter 1 'The Diary of Legolas')
Eehehe! I quoted my own story AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OoooO
There was a loud sonic boom, a crash of lightning and a rumble of thunder and Jackie, Casey and I appeared on the other side of the portal right out side the forest of Mirkwood in Middle Earth. It was nighttime and it was almost pitch black in the thick trees in font of us.
"OOOOH scary dark forest!" Casey screamed
I quickly shushed her, "Be quiet! Do you want all of Fan Girls United to know we are here?"
Casey rolled her eyes and was silent.
"Okay Cheesy, what's next?" Jackie asked
"We should leave the cheese turkeys over there behind those bushes and continue on foot. They are too wide to fit on the narrow path and will just draw attention when we get to the palace," I said and got of the turkey.
I grabbed my stuff and led him over to the bushes.
"Stay here Brutus," I said and patted him, "I'll be back for you soon."
Jackie and Casey followed suit and we left the turkeys there and continued on.
"Okay," I said and fixed my cheese colored samurai sword on my belt, I put a can of instant cheese magic in each pocket of my pants, slung my cheese ball gun (Its like a paint ball gun except it shoots cheese) over my shoulder and loaded up on other cheese based weaponry, "We have to be ready for anything in this place. There are giant spiders, orcs, and evil black squirrels and other creepy animals that could attack us. And don't step in the black river or you will fall asleep. Got it? Okay! Let's go!"
So we entered the forest and stuck close to the little path that Bilbo and the dwarves traveled on. It was a good one or two days walk through Mirkwood and I hoped that Fan Girls United hadn't already gotten here and where a head of us. There was really no way to tell unless we heard the boom of the portal.
I quickened my pace and turned on my flashlight when I suddenly head a noise coming from the trees above me.
"What's what that!" Casey asked, "I head a noise?'
"Shhh! I head it too!" Jackie said looking around, "It might be a spider! Or orcs!"
"It's like the Blair Witch Project!" Casey screeched
I stared at her blankly, "Riiiiight. No, I think it's just a spider."
"Just a spider? Those things are huge I mean-
"Shh! Maybe it will just go away," I said but loaded my cheese ball gun anyway.
We walked on faster than before almost at a run and we just about fell into the river. We came to an abrupt halt and crashed into each other and almost fell in anyway.
"Okay, so where's the bridge or little raft or something? Isn't there suppose to be one?" Jackie asked looking around, "Don't tell me it's on the other side?"
"I think it must be 'cause I don't see the thing," I replied shining my flashlight on the other side of the riverbank.
"Then how are we going to get across the shiny water?" Casey asked
"Look! There's a trail of stepping stones we could follow!" Jackie announced
I quickly considered our options and came to the conclusion that yes, it was the only way across.
"Okay," I said nervously and carefully hopped to the first stone.
It was all moss covered and slimy and I would have fallen off if I hadn't been wearing my favorite pair of cheese colored combat boots. I waved my arms around wildly trying to catch my balance. When I was steady again I looked back and waved to Jackie and Casey who didn't look too thrilled about it either.
I jumped across the next few stones with out incident, but when I got about half way across; I heard the loud boom of the portal and almost fell off the rock. I swayed back and forth like a crazy person and clung to the rock. So Fan Girls United had come…but it might have been someone else, the portals were always quite active.
But my fears where confirmed when Casey stuck her nose in air and started sniffing louder that a hound dog.
"It's them!" She said as she hopped like a monkey to the stone behind mine, "I could smell their cheep perfume smelly stuff for miles!"
I quickly crossed the remaining distance and waited impatiently for Jackie and Casey to get across. Then we hurried on through the dark silent forest. The stupid tress just seemed to go on and on and on. I looked down at the path as I walked, watching all the freaky looking leaves swirl under my feet.
I was getting really bored and kind of tired when suddenly there was a loud hissing from right next to me. I looked wildly and I head Casey gasp loudly. I spun around and saw that there was a huge spider between Jackie and I and Casey.
I pointed my cheese gun at it and held some instant magic cheese in the other hand. I threw the cheese at it and shot it just as it lunged at Casey. The instant magic cheese exploded all over the spider turning it into a wheel of cheese in less than 5 seconds.
"Fast thinking, good job Cheesy!" Jackie said as Casey stepped over the wheel of cheese like had the plague, "Its not going to eat you Casey!"
I picked up the wheel and chucked it into the forest so the fangirls wouldn't find it and realizes I was here.
"Humph! I'm tired and I hate this icky yucky forest! It's ugly!" Casey exclaimed and kicked a tree
"Well, I'm not too fond of it either but should keep moving there might be more spiders around here." Jackie said looking up at the trees, "I thought I heard something…"
"Me too," I said keeping my cheese gum close at hand.
Suddenly there where louder hissing noises and about 15 huge, enormous, big big big spiders fell from the trees and came scurrying out of bushes. The three of us screamed and took off running as fast as we could. Apparently the stupid spiders were getting bolder and building their nests right next to the path.
I was beginning to think that we out ran them when one dropped down right in front of us. Jackie who was leading and was running to fast to stop and run the other way, jumped and vaulted over it. She threw some magic cheese at it and the spider changed into another cheese wheel. I was going to pick it up like I did with the other one but the other spiders where too close so I left it and ran off.
When we couldn't hear the scurrying of the spider legs I stopped and looked back. I saw that the spiders had stopped and where eating the cheese wheel. When they had eaten their fill the turned and started to walk the other way only to turn into cheese as well.
I stopped running and alerted Jackie and Casey.
"I'll be right back, I'm going to go collect it and then let's stop for the night. I don't think the fangirls will be able to catch up with us now," I said and walked off to collect the cheese.
Then I took it and went off in different places in the forest and hid it. It would make a nice treat for some squirrels or something…do squirrels even like cheese? I don't know whatever…
When I returned awhile later, Jackie and Casey had set up camp. Casey was sleeping in her pink tent with a pink eye-mask over her face and Jackie was sitting there eating some of the mint girl scout cookies that all of us loved so much.
"You can sleep Cheesy; I take first watch and wake you up later, okay?" Jackie said and shoved another cookie into her already full mouth, "I've eaten enough chocolate to stay awake for at least 5 hours."
"All right then but be sure to wake me up!" I said and crawled into my tent.
OoooO
I awoke the next morning to the sound of loud screaming and crashing of something. I said up and looked around only to realized that Casey had put her Ozzy Osbourne CD in and put headphones over my ears.
Not a nice way to wake up I tell yeah…
"Thanks for the lovely wake up Casey," I said looking at her grinning face.
It still looked like nighttime in the thick forest but I could just see a few specks of light coming through the trees. It was amazing that anything could live here.
After a small breakfast of chocolate and other things that would make any dentist cringe, we packed up and set off again. After about 3 hours of walking, Casey began to ask 'Are we there yet?' over and over again until Jackie threw nasty leaves at her.
"Did you see if the fangirls passed us yet?" I asked
"No, but they are getting closer. Casey said she smelled them again that's why we woke up." Jackie replied
"…That is soooo weird. She smelled them," I said laughing.
Jackie laughed too but Casey was listing to her CD player and dancing to the Macarena as she walked. Casey liked dance mixes. Her favorites were: 'Baby got Back', 'Cotton Eye Joe', 'Tootsie Roll' and 'The Funky Chicken'.
"I should teach this dance to Elfy when we get him. I think he would like it," Casey said swaying side to side.
I pictured Legolas doing the Macarena and laughed so hard I almost tripped over a pink scarf.
"Hey, what's this?" I said picking it up
Casey gasped and grabbed it from me, "This is no normal pink scarf in the middle of the creepy forest! This is the scarf of Kileana!"
"You mean she is a head of us?" Jackie screeched, "But how? I mean there is no way she could have gotten here that fast! She lives further south than you do."
"Unless she was already here!" I exclaimed, "Oh no, this is really, really bad. That means she is probably already inside the palace! Jackie do you have the escape plan number seven?"
"You mean the Instapoof? Yeah, but every fangirl in at least 50 miles will hear it." Jackie said, "And you do know, we can only use it once in seven hours."
"Well it doesn't really matter now if she is already ahead of us. Besides, she won't know exactly who it is," I replied.
Jackie nodded and took a green bottle from her backpack. The powder inside looked strange and smelled even stranger. She took the lid off and sprinkled some on each of out hands. Casey tried to eat it until I told her not too.
"How does this shiny work?" Casey asked sniffing at the powder
"We all think of the place that we want to be, then we clap our hands and we will appear in the place that we thought of." Jackie explained, "Now listen carefully Casey, we want go to the Mirkwood palace, the shiny elf place? Just there and now where else, okay? Can you say that? M-
"I'm not stupid!" Casey said and frowned, "I know where Elfy is!"
"Okay then, just making sure." Jackie said and held her hands up ready to clap them
I nodded and we all clapped at the same time.
OoooO
As planned the three of us reappeared about 200 feet from the gates of the Mirkwood palace. Then there was a tremendous boom from the after effect of the instapoof. We looked around and saw no fangirls or any signs of them.
Part 1 one the plan was complete! Now we would wait till the fangirls came and deactivated the security system more advanced than that of the one in Fort Knox. It was like this solely for the purpose of soooo many fangirls out there that would want to steal Legolas.
We hid ourselves in the bushes and waited. When Casey said she smelled them coming, we changed into our pink disguises and got ready. I left my large cheese gun carefully hidden in a low tree and anything else that symbolized me as THE Cheese Turkey with it.
By the time we were finished, we looked like three normal rabid fangirls complete with hot pink heart shaped sunglasses. To further disguise ourselves, we put on matching pink ninja masks.
It was just about dark when the real fangirls of Fan Girls United came marching in. We heard them before we saw them. All that loud high pitched squealing and yelling, any elf in a hundred miles was likely to hear that. But most of them wouldn't be too alarmed. With the opening of the portals the elves got many unwelcome tourists. Usually the threat of death-by-arrow was enough to frighten them away.
With a pink cape, crown and scepter with a pink heart on the top
I could see Kileana come strutting down the path with her nose in the air. The blond, pink clad girl stopped a few feet from the doors of the palace and unrolled the scroll she was carrying. I had a very good idea that these were the blueprints.
Her fangirl army had hid in the surrounding area, somehow managing to hide all that pink. A few of them even hid right next to us but our disguises worked and they thought of us as one of their own.
I saw Kileana grin evilly as she studied the paper and suddenly eight elves jumped out of the trees and demanded to know what was going on. Without even looking up Kileana waved her hand and instantly 20 fangirls sprang out of the bushes and pounced on them! The poor elves didn't stand a chance against the mob of fangirls and were quickly tied up.
Kileana then leaped around expertly dancing the Russian polka that was in fact not only a favorite music genre of the elves but also the key to deactivating the security system. Who would have guessed that? No wonder why people accused elves of 'fairy leaping'.
There was a beep and whoosh and all the bright lights and tripwires and security cameras that Kileana was so careful to avoid, shut off and the doors creaked open to reveal a dark silent hall. Apparently all the elves were asleep…
But Kileana wasn't fooled. She threw a stick in and the second the thing touched the floor it exploded into a thousand pieces without making a sound. This was the important part that she had to do exactly right or she would go all explody like the stick. Kileana nodded and one of her minions set up the radio, complete with its own generator and put in a CD and stated it up.
Through the speakers came the blasting music of the Russian Polka techno party club remix thing. Kileana winced at the annoying music but began to do the elaborate dance anyway. She leaped over the doorframe and landed on one foot on the second tile from the right. Then she danced sideways, forward two tiles, back four, left seven, forward nine and so on until she safely reached the other side of the room.
Then she abruptly stopped dancing and dropped to the floor on her stomach as two huge swords suddenly came flying out of nowhere and stabbed into the wall where her head had previously been. Then four laser guns blasted the wall over and over again. When the blasting ceased, the wall was charred black and smoking.
Kileana got up when she was sure it was safe and pushed a button on the wall with her nose. This turned off the rest of the crazy stuff and the hall was clear.
I stared in wonder. Where on all Middle Earth had elves gotten laser guns! It just didn't make logical sense, but then again nothing in my life ever made sense so I don't see why I was so surprised.
Kileana looked back and called for 15 of her fangirls to follow her. The three of us quickly got up from our hiding place and ran in.
"Okay, here's like the plan thing. The stupid, ugly, mean laser things blasted the blueprint things. So we like don't know where Leggy's bedroom is. So you girls like split up and go like look but don't you dare get like caught okay then?" Kileana said in that annoying hi-pitched voice of hers.
The other fangirls and the three of us nodded and ran off in different directions. I stood off to the left, deciding which way to go.
"Elf Hunting skills don't fail me now," I thought as I ran off through a large wooden door.
On the other side of that door there were three hallways off of it. I sighed and stood very still for a moment. I had to think about this logically, obviously if I was even going the right way, only one path was going to lead me to Legolas. I had to do this the way I was taught if confronted with this situation. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes…
"Eeeniee, meeniee, miney-mo. Catch an elf by the toe, if he hollers let him go, Eeeniee, meeniee, miney-mo!" I said and ended up pointed at the hallway on the left
"Okay then. I hope this is right!" I said and took off
There were lots of ways to go off that hallway; I cut through the throne room once and then again as I ended up backtracking. This place was like a maze! One of the doors led me down some stairs and I ended up in the dungeons I think. Another door led me to the kitchens and then to the laundry room. And then back to the throne room!
I wasn't getting anywhere. I hoped that Casey and Jackie were having better luck. I hadn't seen them or anyone for that matter. Not even an elf or fangirl. I was walking around thinking and not paying attention where I was going when I noticed that I was hungry. Yes I know, what a time to think about food but I had gone without chocolate for over an hour and was in bad need of some.
I fished around in my backpack for my mint chocolate chip Girl Scout cookies when I realized there was a hole in the bag and they had all fallen out except for four.
I sighed and angrily pushed open some random door and walked through it. It took me a moment to realize that there was a light on in the room, and when I looked up a blue eyed, blond haired elf was staring back.
My mouth fell open and I almost collapsed from shock. I finally found him! After all these years of thinking up plans and evil schemes and there he was staring at me like I was going to bite his head off! It was the greatest moment of my life I think. I slapped myself hard across the face before I attempted to say something.
But for the first time of many times to come he beat me to it.
"Who are you!" Legolas yelled getting up from his chair and coming over to me, "And why are you in my bedroom?"
Then he gasped, "IT'S A FANGIRL!"
"No, no, no I am not a fangirl! I know that I probably look like one in all this pink crap, but I'm not! I promise!" I said
He didn't look convinced. In fact I think it has quite the opposite effect because he grabbed his bow and pointed an arrow at my head.
"Dude! If I was a fangirl wouldn't I have attacked you by now!" I shrieked and fell to the floor covering my head, "Just hear me out before you kill me okay?"
Legolas still didn't look convinced but I didn't have an arrow through my brain so I guessed I had his attention. I didn't really know what to say. This was sooo the wrong way of going about this.
This encounter brought shame to my flawless record of elf hunting. If things had gone as planned I would have know that this was his room, I wouldn't have just stumbled in! No, no, if things had gone as planned I would have been dragging him off in a potato sack by now.
I had no idea what to do, so I improvised!
I held out the near empty bag of Girl Scout cookies, "Do you like mint chocolate chip Girl Scout cookies?"
Legolas looked at me like I was the stupidest person on earth.
"Do you honestly think that I…wait, did you say MINT chocolate?" he asked titling his head to the side
I nodded.
He carefully inched forward like I was some rabid wild animal and grabbed the bag.
"Its not poisoned is it?" He asked and sniffed at the suspiciously
"No, I was just eating them," I said blankly still not believing how badly I had messed up .
"Better not be," He mumbled and shoved the four cookies in his mouth and chewed them noisily.
"Can I say something now?" I asked still sitting on the floor
"I suppose, but no evil fangirl tricks! I'm warning you, if I so much as think that you are plotting something I won't hesitate you shoot you...you…you evil spawn of Sauron!"
I raised an eyebrow, "Dude, you are weird…but whatever. Like I was trying to tell you, I'm not here to 'get' you or whatever it is you think I'm here for. But there is another girl who is! She is an evil fangirl that wants to take you to her castle and lock you away forever."
I conveniently failed to mention that I in fact DID have similar intentions.
"I believe you are familiar with the fandom world where the Authoress live in their castles?" I asked, "Well, even if not, they are very very bad places that no one wants to go to! Especially an elf like yourself that so many fangirls that are after am I right?"
He just glared at me.
"Well, yeah. But I can get you out of here and we can go hide in my secrete fort until the evil fangirl is gone. She can't get you in my fort, its fangirl proof."
I was lying so bad it wasn't even funny.
"And why should I believe you? What if you are working for her and lying to me so you get me to go with you and then you will hand me over to her?" Legolas asked
I sighed, "Well, I really wasn't going to say anything because I could loose my job. But if it is the only way that I can get you to believe me then I guess I will have to tell you."
"What is it then?"
"I really don't want to say, can't you just go with me? I really like my job," I said and started to cry.
I think I should now say a big thank you to my Evil friend Noliee for teaching me how to cry on cue.
"If you want me to go with you, then you are going to give me proof that you are here to assist me and are not some evil fangirl!" Legolas said and threw the cookie bag at me
"Well, fact of the matter is, I am an ancient monk from the holy temple of Emperor Chi Ghu Woot sworn to protect all elves everywhere," I said seriously.
When we were little, Jackie and I pretended that we were employed in the said occupation.
Legolas rolled his eyes, "How stupid do you think I am. I'm not-
"I have a business card!" I said and tossed it to him
Thank you Jackie and you computer genius-ness.
He looked at the card for a long, long time and thought about if he should trust me or not. Then Legolas sighed and stopped holding me at arrow-point.
"Fine, Miss…" He looked at the card, "…Miss THE Cheese Turkey. I will go with you but if-
"Great!" I yelled and leaped up, "This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship Legolas!"
That was when I made my move, I grabbed the sleeping spray from my pocket, sprayed it in his face, slapped a piece of duct tape over his mouth and before I had finished tying his hands behind his back he was already asleep. Then I took a needle out of my backpack that had a tracking device in it and stuck it in his arm.
Then I laughed evilly. Legolas was mine! All mine and no others! MUWHAHAHA!
TBC
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