Vin: Dislcaimer: This is a parody of Vincent Valkaries 'The Silver Healer'. This is all fun and games, people. Flames are much appreciated, as we like to laugh at them and quote them. So far, our favourite reviewer has been "Final Fantasy Fan". This person makes our day. All of you should strive to be just like 'Final Fantasy Fan'. (read the "Golden Healer")
Kad: and uh… Vin wrote the intro this time! And the ending! Yay! I'm not allowed to write anymore. I've lost my privileges. But I still wrote the song. No one can take that away AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA!11111
Vin: Good day to you all.
(Note: we were rushed. Hojo had a gun to our heads as we wrote this.)
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Mystery Science Theater 7000
Chapter Two:
The Torment Continues
--------
In the not too distant future,
Last Sunday around 3
There were 3 morons named KadVinClo
Very different from you and me
They had a job compiling fanfiction
That was enough to give someone a conniption
They did a poor job keeping up the pace
And Hojo didn't like them
So he shot 'em into space!
"I'll send them cheesy fanfics,
"The worst I can find (la-la-la)
"They'll have to sit and read them all,
"And I'll monitor their minds (la-la-la)
Now keep in mind they can't control,
Where the stories begin or end (la-la-la)
Because they used those special parts,
To teleport their ff7 friends
Kad: IM UR ENeMY!1
Vin: AMPHOTERIC EQUILIBRIUM1
Clo: "LOLLERCOASTER"
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other science facts (la-la-la)
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just KadVinClo,
I should really just relax".
For... MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 7000!
The familiar tune of Gloucester High's school bell rang at 10:40am, signaling the start of period 2. As the lingering notes of the jaunty melody faded away, Vin rushed into her chemistry class—flinging herself successfully into her chair. Luckily, Ms. Walton, her semi-insane teacher, hadn't noticed her exuberant—albeit late—entrance as she was too busy giggling to herself about Gay-Lussacs gas law.
"Heaven's to mergatroid, " Ms Walton grinned, snapping her fingers, "heavens to Betsy, by Jorge that's the best gosh-darned equation I've ever seen. Isn't that great?"
She was met with a general murmur of consent, and Ms Walton continued babble on about gas equations. Vin reached into her bag to get out her chemistry notebook. There had been a tricky problem on the homework given the day before that she wanted to ask Ms Walton about. Vin frowned, however, as she rummaged around in her bookbag. She couldn't find it! She had just used the same notebook for her period 1 class—Japanese Geography…She had even taken notes in it about The Tale of Genji.
"So, " Ms Walton continued, "if you're ever walking down the street, and some stranger comes up to you and says 'the atmospheric pressure of Butane is 96.7 kilopascals' you can say 'Heavens to Betsy, that doesn't make any sense'. And you know why?" Ms Walton struck a pose, waiting for an answer, "because, " she answered herself a few seconds later, "he hasn't told you whether it's STP or SATP….."
(Vin: She has actually said the above dialogues many, many times. I am honestly not making up her dialogue.)
Meanwhile, Vin had given up searching through her book bag, and instead took to glaring at it in annoyance. She conformed to the notion that perhaps she had left in her period 1 class. That, or she had dropped it.
"Ms Walton?" she raised her hand, "I left my notebook in my last class. Can I go get it?"
"Heaven's to Betsy. Heaven's to Mergatroid. By Jorge."
"I'll be quick, I promise."
Ms Walton gave her consent, and Vin took off to the other end off the school in search of her notebook. As she turned the corner, she spotted a familiar figure.
"Hey, Kad!" she called out. Kad turned around and waved vaugly.
"What are you doing here?" Kad asked. Vin shrugged.
"I lost my notebook. But it's so weird; because I had it last period…" she trailed off. Kad raised an eyebrow, and pushed her hair out of her face in surprise.
"Really? That's weird. I had my comic last period, but when I went to take it out to work on, it was gone."
"Whoa. That's…really weird." Vin mused. The two girls stood in silence, pondering at their misfortune.
"Wait a minute…" Kad said slowly, "I…wait, I know what's going on."
"You do? Awesome, because I really need my notebook back…."
Just then, lightning flash and thunder boomed and maniacal laughter filled the air. Kad and Vin found themselves in a familiar chamber. Both girls rolled their eyes.
"Oh please—"
"This is—"
"HELLO GIRLS." Professor Hojo shrieked, clasping his hands together. Vin cleared her throat.
"Kay, like, no offense Hojo but…this really isn't the best time mmk? I have chemistry to win at. My education is at stake."
"DON'T SCREAM IN MY HOUSEHOLD," the professor yelled, "SIT DOWN AND READ/WATCH THIS FANFICTION THAT I HAVE SO DUTIFULLY FOUND FOR YOU."
"Why?" Kad asked, "there's no point in this."
"Because, " Professor Hojo breathed, holding up their notebooks "if you don't…I'll punch your notebooks in the noggin."
So, the two girls, in fear of having their notebooks punched , sat down and quietly watched/read the fan fiction prepared for them.
---
The Silver Healer
By Vincent's Valkyrie
Coming to Valayris finds herself on her back in the middle of a thick forest. The trees fill up the sky blocking any sign of the true time. Sitting up she rubs her eyes.
"How long have I been out?" Valayris asks herself.
The forest's vibrant green and lush surrounds are a harsh change on her Valayris's eyes from the dull gray cave.
"Where am I?" Valayris asks squinting, "What happened?"
Vin: The forest will clearly answer her
Kad: forest: lol hay
Vin: Valayris: Doko desu ka yo?
Vin: Forest: Asoko desu
Kad: Valarys: Arigatoe gosaiimashita
Vin: forest: loller desu
Kad: …Valayris really needs to get her eyes checked. People are splotches and her eyes can't adapt to a lot of green…
Vincent could fill her in she thinks. Where is Vincent? Looking around she fails to find any sign of him.
"Vincent," Valayris says.
No answer.
"Vincent," Valayris calls.
Vin: VINNNNNNNCEENNNNNNNNNNNNTTT!
Kad: wheres Vincent lawlz?
Vin: Forest: Stop shouting. Desu.
Vin: Vincent: my name is vincentoe kai thnx
Kad: Forest: My name is Vincent now.
No answer. She was starting to worry. What if Deep Ground killed him while she was unconscious? She would be alone. Valayris did not want to be alone, not again.
"VINCENT!" Valayris cries.
"Shh..." Vincent hushes.
Vin: Vincent: Shut up, bitch.
Kad: Vincent is dead, but the worst part is now she'll be alone for a few hours
Vin: NOT ALOOOONE!
Kad: omg nooo
Looking up she sees Vincent sitting on a branch high above her. He hunches forward gripping his shoulder.
"You're hurt," Valayris states.
Kad: Vincent: No I just like touching my shoulder.
"I'm fine. It's just a flesh wound," Vincent assures her.
Vin: Dude, Vincent is so going to fall off the tree.
Vin: And also?...How did she hear Vincent go "ssh" IF HE'S IN A TREE.
Kad: Vincent: I'm fine, the flesh on my arm is just disintegrating… that's all.
Kad: maybe it's a very small tree.
Vin: It's a baby tree
Kad: lame.
Vin: Jeez, Vincent...
Kad: well how would he be able to climb a regular tree with an injured arm anyway?
Kad: moreover why would he go through the trouble
Vin: Seriously / He could just ...stand behind the tree. Or something.
Vin: It's not like his safety is guarenteed.
"Vincent, get down here," Valayris says.
Vincent looks at her with a look Valayris couldn't quite describe. Looking at Vincent Valayris senses an independent spirit living in him, one that takes orders from no one.
Kad: Vincent only obeys Cloud.
Vin: Vincent looks at Valayris with a look of sheer hatred.
Vin: Valayris: Vinnie get down here now lololo
Kad: This look only confuses her.
Kad: you dont order people around. I mean, that's how I talk to my dog.
Vin: Seriously
"Please," Valayris adds trying sound polite.
Kad: And failing miserably.
Hesitating for a moment before jumping down he lands gracefully in front of Valayris. Blood trickles out of the wound exposed by his singed cape, staining his red cape a deeper red. Valayris heart sinks, guilt creeps over her. It was her fault he's hurt.
Vin: Blood just pours out of his wound
Kad: well way to go, Vincent morphes into a dog that'll obey her every command.
Vin: Vincent: lol :3
Kad: Vincent: lol im ur pet puppy i will obey u mast3r
Kad: Vincent: Haha well, you DID say please...
Kad: And it was ALL HER FAWLT.
Vin: OF COURSE
Vin: Damn those 60HP soldiers shooting Vincent...man.
"Oh, Vincent, I'm sorry" Valayris says her tone morphing into a soft motherly tone, "This is all my fault."
Kad: yes. yes it is.
Vin: It's like that one scene in the Matrix
Kad: …morphing.
Vin: Where the silver mirror goop goes down Neo's throat and he makes that weird sound.
Kad: haha yes
Kad: lol...Morphius... 'I can fly. Actually, I can't. I just said that so you'd think I was cool...'
Kad: uhh… Does Valayris think she's his mother now?
Vin: Ewww gross.
Kad: Valayris: lawls lets play house! I can be the mommy and u can be the daddy!1
Kad: …or the dog.
"No it's not, it comes with the territory of protector," Vincent says.
Looking at his gloved hand Valayris notices the hand, which had been holding his shoulder, is soaked in blood.
Vin: Vinnie is SO DEEP LAWLS
Vin: Vincent's hand is melting.
Vin: It's because the lust between them is OH SO HAWT.
Kad: But if Vincent was wearing gloves, how was his hand soaked in blood.
Vin: ...THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD.
Kad: Blood just sprays out Kill Bill style.
Kad: it's like Valayris can cry an ocean of tears and Vincent can bleed an ocean of blood.
Kad: they're perfect for eachother lawls
Vin: So kawaii desu
"How long ago since you were shot?" she asks.
"About an hour or so," Vincent answers.
"Why didn't you wake me?"
Vin: Vincent: Oh you know...
Kad: Vincent went the extra mile and timed himself
Vin: Vincent: Just, ya know, got shot like an hour ago...
Vin: Jeez Vincent...shame on you for not WAKING HER BECAUSE YOU WERE SHOT.
Vin: Vincent: Pssssst. PSSSST. VALAYRIS? Pssst...wake up, man.
Kad: Vincent: Valayris wake up! waaake uppp Valayris! we're goin to caaandy mouuntaiiin!
Vin: SHUNNNN
Kad: SHUUUUUUUUNNNNNN
"You were heavily sedated. I couldn't have woken you even if I had wanted to," Vincent explains to her.
Kad: Which he didn't.
"I'll take care of that wound now," Valayris tells him in hopes to right her wrong against him.
Vin: Well, of course she was sedated.
Vin: Vincent: Oh, you're going to heal me? Cool, lets have secks.
Kad: Valayris: Lawls okai!
Vincent looks at her with intrigue. "Time to see the white mage at work," Vincent thinks.
Vin: Vincent was always a deep thinker.
Vin: Vincent: Tyme 2 duel.
Kad: yeah his mind is going a mile a minute.
"First to remove the bullet," Valayris explains to him.
Vin: Of course.
Kad: Then we're done!
Kad: She says as she leafs through her book of "First Aid for Dummies".
Vin: Vincent: No, I want that bullet to stay in there, please D:
Kad: Valayris: no im ur mast3r u will do as i say
Vin: Vincent: But I want Cloudo-chan-sama-kami-box-neko desu yo D:
Holding her hands out she cups them slightly as if awaiting something.
Kad: Like the dilly-dally ghost to punch her in the noggin.
Closing her eyes she begins to glow in a soft silver light. Vincent shivers at the warm sensation inside his shoulder. Vincent feels the bullet break into tiny pieces then travel through his body. Looking at Valayris's hand he watches while the bullet reassembles
Vin: Uh, so...if I had bullet fragments pushing themselves out of my body?...Yeah, I'd be screaming in pain /
Vin: Vincent: Hurr hurr it kinda tickles :B
Kad: She shattered the bullet and sent them piercing through his internal organs
Vin: Whats the point of the bullet reassembling anyway.
Vin: Vincent: Jee, thanks for killing me more...bitch D:
Kad: oh it's a memento
Vin: A token of their love desu!
Kad: Valayris wants to remember this moment forever and ever… And everrr…
Vin: Cloudo's gonna be jeeaaaalllous
Kad: oho
"That is amazing," Vincent states as Valayris drops the bullet into his hand.
Kad: Vincent: That is amazing.
Vin: Way to be eloquent, Vinnie.
Kad: he states.
Vin: Okai...dude. If like...someone saved me from dying...the LAST thing I'm going to say is a plain "That is amazing"
Kad: Valayris: here u take this. Now whenever you look at it you can remember the searing pain and agony you had to endure, and how you wished you were dead.
Admiring the bullet Vincent is impressed with Valayris's healing skill. Vincent had used restore materia before but he never truly got the hang of it and this woman heals people without any materia at all It was an amazing sight.
Vin: ...? wtf?
Kad: ...
Vin: HELLO HE FOUGHT SEPHIROTH
Vin: OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO KNOW HOW TO USE MATERIA
Kad: He used heal dozens of times. It's not that special.
Vin: Vincent: Uh Cloud D:...wtf is this materia stuff...
Kad: so it's really nothing special that Valayris can heal, because anyone can do it- it's just they're all too lazy to equip materia.
Vin: Pretty much /
Kad: …it's like they're living in Lazytown…
"Now lets heal that wound," Valayris tells him.
Kad: Vincent: Oh yeah. That.
Vin: Vincent: LOL OKAI!
Placing her hand on the wound she brings her lips, shimmering in silver light, to her hand and kisses it. Upon contact a silver light sieges through Vincent's shoulder. Vincent winces for a brief moment with the unusual feeling. Leaning back Valayris removes her hand. Looking at his shoulder, the pain had gone and even his clothes and cape were fixed.
Vin: So...she kisses her hand?
Kad: ...
Vin: How is kissing her hand going to heal him.
Kad: and apparently this is also handy to mend clothing as well.
Vin: Vincent: Man, this pain hurts way more than Sephiroth's Supernova...
Kad: Supernova is nothing compared to this.
Vin: Hell, Sephiroth himself is nothing to this.
Kad: and you know, if this is how healing magic works… how awkward must it have been for Cloud and his party to heal each other in the heat of the battle …?
"Amazing," Vincent sighs rotating his shoulder.
"Glad I could help," Valayris smiles.
Kad: Vincent is amazed.
Vin: Valayris: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Vin: Because that's the most amazing thing Vincent has ever seen.
Vin: Ever.
Kad: Jee i hope VV won't put us through that whole series of smiles again.
Vin: DX hopefully not.
Vincent's positive responses to her healing powers makes Valayris wonder if she kept impressing him with magic maybe he would open up to her.
Vin: Translation:
Kad: wth
Kad: oh im anxious to hear this.
Vin: if Valayris keeps on using her magic powers, maybe Vincent will give her hot, passionate secks.
Kad: duh, but that was her plan right from the start.
Vin: How silly of me to forget xD
Kad: Now the author decides to state it out in the open. In case we weren't clever enough to figure it out.
Valayris smiles, "Vincent...Thank you."
"For what?" Vincent asks looking at her questioningly.
Kad: oh here we go.
Vin: OH GAWD NOOO
Vin: Vincent: Just tell me so I can ditch you.
"I owe you my life. Without you I'd be on my way back with those scumbags to be poked and prodded at and then probably killed."
Vin: O NO THOSE SCUMBAGS
Kad: scumbags: lol lets poke her with a stick
Vin: And uh...I'm pretty sure that being 'poked and prodded' would be the LEAST violent thing they'd do to her...D:
Kad: when they get bored of that they'll just kill her, so you know.
Vin: Scumbags: This game sux.
"Cloud asked me to protect you. I have accepted that duty. Like I said before I will protect you at all costs," Vincent tells her his voice turning cold.
"Oh," Valayris sighs her heart sinks hearing his frozen voice.
Vin: Vincent: My...beloved Cloud 3 3
Kad: Valayris: this... Cloud...
Vin: Vincent: We made love every night when we were together...
Kad: Valayris: sirens blare kill bill style
Vin: Valayris: I MUST KILL THIS CLOUD RARWRAW.
Vin: And you know...she'd so be able to kill Cloud
Vin: Because, you know.
Kad: With her zawesome healing magic, like duh
Vin: Despite having killed Sephiroth...
Vincent is a wandering soul crying out to Valayris to be saved from its walk of solitude. Valayris could feel his torment, living breathing inside her like a lonely animal. She knew loneliness all to well. If he just opened up to her she might be able to free him of his solitude and lighten his heart, just like Cloud and the gang had done for her.
Kad: ...
Vin: I…don't even know what to say.
Kad: … if only she could slice through his torso and chop away at some of those other useless organs… why, then she could alleviate some of the solitude from his heart.
Kad: Just like Cloudo and the gang had done for her. Awwww :)
Vin: Vincent: So...uh...About Cloud...
Kad: Valayris: DONT CHANGE TEH SUBJECT!11
Vin: Why would Vincent be 'living inside of her'
Vin: Vincent: WHY DID YOU EAT MY PET RABBIT, YOU BITCH.
Kad: The rent's cheap.
Kad: But Vincent's a lion, apparently.
Vin: O YEA.
"Where are we headed to next?" Valayris asks breaking the silence that had fallen over the two.
Vin: Vincent: To Cloud's house.
Vin: Vincent: Rather...I AM going to Cloud's house. You're.….I dunno. Staying here. Or something.
Kad: There's a party goin' down. Only cool people allowed.
Vin: Vincent: You can only come if you kill someone, and then bring their body up.
Kad: A party's not a party without rotting corpses.
"I want to take you some place safe. I want to see if I can figure out what Deep Ground would want with you alive," Vincent explains.
"Why do you want to know that?"
Vin: Vincent:….I just told you.
Kad: Valayris doesn't listen to him. She's distracted by... other aspects of him.
Vin: LIKE HIS CROTCH.
Vin: coughs
Kad: …yeah.
"I want to aide my friends and...,"
"And?" Valayris continues.
Kad: Vincent: let me finish
Vin: Vincent: SCREW CLOUD INTO THE GROUND.
Kad: Vincent: Use your corpse for admission to the party.
"Get Midgar safe from the disease," Vincent replies emotionlessly.
Kad: …I liked our answers better.
Vin:/ Since when would Vinnie care about disease. It's not like he can get sick.
Kad: Vincent doesn't care about people.
Vin: Except for Cloud.
Kad: That's right.
Vincent starts to wonder what she was getting at with these questions.
Kad: Vincent: lawls wat could she b gting at wit awl dese questiens?
Vin: Vincent: Stop talking, ur making mie wittle brain hurt D: D:
Kad: Vincent wallows in a state of sheer oblivion and stupidity as Valayris carries through with her master plan of evil.
Vin: BECAUSE SHE REALLY IS PROFESSOR HOJO!
Kad: Valayris: pulls off mask- HAHAHHASHKFHAHFAHAH!1
Vin: He should so totally have a theme song.
Vin: Why doesn't Hojo have a theme song.
Kad: that was... that only makes perfect sense
Vin: Clearly.
Kad: Hojo's theme song would be... some kind of freakish disco techno trance thing. And he'd dance to it all disco style… creepy.
Vin: I'm going to make it up.
Vin: I'll record it too
Kad: omg you should
Kad!!
Vin: 3 yes.
Vin: BUT BACK TO MSTING…
Kad: we can send it to professor Hojo. For Christmas.
Vin!! Yes.
Kad: YES BACK TO THE TORTURE
Kad: ahem…
Vin: cough
Kad: breathes
"Oh," Valayris sighs.
Vincent was becoming good at smashing her dreams of romance that started living in her since she began feeling Vincent was her Red Knight.
Kad: do we even have to comment on this?
Vin: barfs
Vin: barfs
Vin: barfs
Vin: dies
Kad: … "Red Knight"?
Kad: get up.
Vin: fien.
Vin: Just...GOD WTF IS THIS.
Kad: lol you can die after we're done
"Guess time will tell if he truly is my Red Knight," Valayris tells herself.
Kad: Valayris is… evil…
Kad: ……evill...
Vin: I don't even have anything to say xD
Kad: That's because Valayris is in league with Professor Hojo and Mr B Natural… o.o;
"So where is safe?" Valayris asks looking at Vincent.
"Junon Harbor,"
Kad: Isn't that the military base?
Vin: 'Safe'?...'Safe' isn't a noun, sweetheart.
"Oh, Ok,"
"We will stay here till morning,"
Vin: Valayris: Oh, okay.
Vin: Vincent:..Stop that.
Kad: Valayris: But it's 1 in the afternoon
Nodding Valayris lies down on the forest floor. The wind blows carrying on it a biting chill. Curling up Valayris tries to fight off the shivers.
Vin: So she...just...xD
Kad: ...
Vin: She just throws herself on the ground.
Kad: Why doesn't she have the common sense to make a shelter?
Vin: Seriously Oo;..it's like...hello. Cold out.
Kad: even if it's a...branch. That's better than lying in the middle of the forest floor.
Vin: Vincent:...wtf are you...DOING?
"I could be in my warm bed right now," Valayris thinks to herself, "Damn Deep Ground."
Vin: Oh, damn those scumbags...
Kad: But these soldiers weren't even any threat. They just kinda… stood around, waiting to be shot. It clearly stated Vincent responded to them harmlessly existing, with a homicidal rampage…
Vin: They just wanted to go camping.
Vin: Way to kill everything, Vincent.
Kad: Vincent: oh it was self-defense i swear.
Hearing her ragged breathing Vincent walks over to her. Unbuckling his cape from around his shoulders he lays it over her.
Vin: kasjf! IT'S HIS CAPE!
Kad: And Valayris succeeds yet again! Lightening strikes as she bursts into a maniacal laughter of evil.
Vin: So, she's just lying on the ground, hyperventilating without a care in the world.
Vin: Awesome.
Kad: But she knew Vincent would strip down for her.
Vin: Ohh yeah. Good thinking.
Vin: And we all know Vinnie's a mancake.
"Thank you, Vincent," Valayris sighs wrapping the cape around her.
"You're welcome Valayris," Vincent sighs.
Vin: Vincent is sighing with exasperation.
Kad: …sigh Is this almost finished?
Vin: Vincent: Hmmmmmmm raises eyebrow
Kad: it's like, sigh replaced smile. Those r VV's favourite werds:D
Kad: Those and 'morph'.
The relaxing smell washes over Valayris sending her peacefully into a sleep state.
Vin: Vincent smells so gewd!
Kad: Vincent's BO smells great!
Vin: He must wash his cape regularily to wash off all the blood and sweat and grime
Vin: I bet he has a portable washing machine.
Kad: I bet he does!
Kad: That or healing magic also counts as laundry detergent.
Vin: OBVIOUSLY.
In a few short moments Vincent hears Valayris's breathing change.
Kad: So he knows the poison worked.
Watching her slumber Vincent admits to himself that Valayris was beautiful, especially in the fire's caressing glow. Looking upon her his vision begins to blur and for a brief second Valayris morphs into Lucrecia.
Vin: barasjgksfjhasdgklHUER890UU890
Vin: GF
Vin: DJD
Vin: JDGH
Vin: no
Kad: akjsfhakgfh
Kad: kjashf
Kad: kasjfkgahj
Vin: NNNNNNOOOOOOOO
Kad: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo
Kad: we can die in a few minutes, almost over
Vin: Vincent: lol u pretty desu yo hurrr
Vin:Vincent: prettier than my beloved Lucrecia
Kad: What's he on?
"Lucrecia?" Vincent asks quietly leaning closer to the sleeping figure.
Blinking once Vincent looks, the figure was Valayris this time, not Lucrecia.
Vin: Lucrecia: s'up
Kad: Vincent: damn.
Vin: Does he honestly expect Lucrecia to answer?
Kad: And the moral of the story is?
Vin: LAY OFF THE CRACK, VINNIE.
"Lucrecia why can't I let you go?" Vincent asks
Vin: Lucrecia: Because you tied me up and left me in your closet
Kad: Lucrecia: Because i didnt want to be saved lawlaz
Kad: 2 b cont 1nud3!1
Kad: XD
Vin: KLAJSDH! ALSKDJALDKFJA OH GAWD
Kad: That was AWFUL! D:
Kad: ……I want to die now.
Kad and Vin managed to get their notebooks back, and were able to get back to class, although quite late. Now go away.
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reviewplzkthnx.